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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at my husband's phonecalls

98 replies

chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 12:53

My husband rings me several times a day. Sometimes its just for a chat, sometimes its for a reason. If I don't want to chat, he can often get stroppy about it (in my opinion - he would say that he didn't) and if I don't answer the call or return his call he keeps trying until I do.

We've just had another argument again (second in two days about this issue) as he has rang me several times in the last hour and I've not heard the phone. He sent me two emails (I work from home and I am on the computer all day) and it was only after an hour that I noticed and rang him back. His argument is that he thinks something has happened and that he worries if I have not called him back.

I've told him that there is no need to worry. I have been sat at my desk all morning. Nothing has happened. He thinks he is caring, and ringing me all the time is his way of showing this (as well as to discuss whatever issue he has called me about).

AIBU to want him to call less often?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 10/02/2016 12:55

Yanbu. That's weird.
My DH never calls me in the day. I might get a WhatsApp if he needs to tell me something but that's about it.

BramblePie · 10/02/2016 12:56

Jesus - YANBU. I think this is a form of control? Checking up on you under the ruse of appearing caring. You should put this into "relationships".

ExplodingCarrots · 10/02/2016 12:56

Yanbu. It sounds exhausting. It seems he's doing it to check up on you OP. Does he have trust issues?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 10/02/2016 12:57

What job does he do where he gets time to do this? If I were his boss I wouldn't be best pleased with his use of time!

acasualobserver · 10/02/2016 12:57

His behaviour is utterly unreasonable. This would drive me mad. Can't he just send a 'thinking of you' text?

Monstertrucker · 10/02/2016 12:58

That would seriously get on my nerves! I can't actually remember the last time my DH called me for no real reason. And he sometimes works away!

AJ279 · 10/02/2016 12:58

My OH works away and always find the most inappropriate times to call. Drives me nuts. Yanbu.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 10/02/2016 12:59

It'd drive me around the bend!

Eebahgum · 10/02/2016 13:00

If it genuinely is a caring thing perhaps he could restrict himself to an "are you ok?" Text that you can reply "yes" to. I think he needs help with this level of anxiety though. And also think it's the sort of thing my very controlling ex would say to justify his unreasonable behaviour.

lamiashiro · 10/02/2016 13:01

That would drive me mad. ExP used to do something similar then get the massive hump and sulk if I was in a meeting or unable to launch into a length chat about nothing because he was bored.

DH and I often exchange texts but only call if it's urgent or something we specifically need to speak about.

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 13:01

I hoped I was being unreasonable.

It is too much and it drives me mad but if I ever say I want him to call less often, he gets all uptight about it. He says he's in danger of being pushed away and that he just eventually won't care.

OP posts:
lamiashiro · 10/02/2016 13:03

Ugh, controlling and needy.

BarricadesBabe · 10/02/2016 13:03

YANBU, that's unbearably clingy. I work at home too and if my DH did this I would go absolutely ballistic.

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 13:03

In a recent argument about it, I said it felt like he was being controlling. He thinks that is a problem with me, not him. I don't want to always have to stop what I'm doing to chat - or even text.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 13:08

I think he's checking up on you. Very worrying.

Do you ever do non-work things without him, eg going to a class or meeting up with friends or relatives? Does he object to that or check up on you then as well?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 13:08

How long have you been together and has he always been this way? Is this new behavior or an escalation?

BramblePie · 10/02/2016 13:10

Well if you don't answer and he gets all uppity then just say that's his problem. I wouldn't be answering the calls and the threat of him "not caring" is to scare you.

So id be leaving! Why are you with him?

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 13:12

I do non-work things without him. He doesn't restrict me from doing things or going to places. He doesn't check up on me but he knows where I am. I often go to meet people regarding work and we've agreed that I would always let him know where I was and when I was leaving (which is probably sensible as I could be going into the house of any old nutter - unlikely but probably not a bad idea to have somebody know where I am)

We've been together over 15 years - married for ten. We have always talked a lot but I think the phonecalls are more frequent now than they've ever been. Some days he drives a lot with work and just wants to chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 13:13

BramblePie seems a bit unreasonable to leave someone because they ring you more often than you'd like?

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 10/02/2016 13:16

So is it a case of him being bored while driving and fancying a chat? I think you need to tell him that you have work to do and he is interrupting you with too many calls.

deregistered · 10/02/2016 13:16

Because it's not really about him phoning you a lot chained.

It's controlling, needy, stifling and suggests he doesn't trust you.

Is your relationship healthy and happy in other areas because I would bet a large sum of money that it's not.

BiddyPop · 10/02/2016 13:16

No YANBU

Even if you were a SAHM, you would probably be getting on with things and not always able to interrupt what you are at "several times a day".

But you are actually in paid employment, and your employer expects you to be working.

It sounds very controlling to me.

To give some perspective, DH and I are both WOHP. Dh has spent a LOT of time overseas, and not always contactable or in odd time zones. I've done travel for work as well over the years.

We would often catch up at some stage during the day as things are usually rushed even when we are both at home in the mornings. A quick phonecall or text or email, to catch up, remind one to do something, let the other know info we've just got, have a laugh about something. 0ccasionally it is to check up on the other - there was a possibility of something happening that night when we left in the morning and one needs to know who's collecting DD or how many to cook for at dinner, for example.

But equally, we might be in a meeting or otherwise stuck into something when the other gets in touch. Or feel it doesn't require a response (maybe something to talk about at home, or just smile and be cheered up). It doesn't mean we get arsey with each other because we cannot talk at the time.

And despite DH spending a lot of time physically away as well as manically busy lives, we are still pretty darn close. Extra phonecalls would get my boss really upset with me, probably upset me also in terms of extra pressures on me, and that would be more likely to make me withdraw than keeping it to a manageable level of intermittantness (ok that's probably not a word, but I hope YKWIM).

deregistered · 10/02/2016 13:17

And doesn't respect your own wants and needs - your need not to phoned constantly and checked up on.

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 13:17

I would ignore the phone, texts and emails. See if he takes a hint.
Or do those annoying preset messages on text like "sorry I can't talk right now" repeatedly.

helenahandbag · 10/02/2016 13:17

He says he's in danger of being pushed away and that he just eventually won't care.

That's really controlling.

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