To get annoyed at my husband's phonecalls

[chainedtothedesk]

My husband rings me several times a day. Sometimes its just for a chat, sometimes its for a reason. If I don't want to chat, he can often get stroppy about it (in my opinion - he would say that he didn't) and if I don't answer the call or return his call he keeps trying until I do.

We've just had another argument again (second in two days about this issue) as he has rang me several times in the last hour and I've not heard the phone. He sent me two emails (I work from home and I am on the computer all day) and it was only after an hour that I noticed and rang him back. His argument is that he thinks something has happened and that he worries if I have not called him back.

I've told him that there is no need to worry. I have been sat at my desk all morning. Nothing has happened. He thinks he is caring, and ringing me all the time is his way of showing this (as well as to discuss whatever issue he has called me about).

AIBU to want him to call less often?

[Primaryteach87]

I don't think he is being controlling. He sounds bored and lonely. I often ring my mum while waiting for the train, I think it's a similar thing. Not a sinister plot to stop op living her life!

Could you buy him some books on CD for the car?

[LadyStoicIsBack]

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

'Do you have a MIL? Maybe he could call his Mum instead? '

Erm, Thread, OP has already written that both of his parents died in recent times, and that he 'used to 'talk to his Mum a LOT'....^

...something PP's (& I second this OP as it does sound like that kind of issue rather than a controlling/LTB one) have responded to with the fact he probably needs grief counselling...

So nope is the, sadly permanent, answer to 'Maybe he could call his Mum instead '

[OneMillionScovilles]

I call my DH from work sometimes when I'm having a cigarette / walking out to get lunch. He sometimes calls me. Calls are

[BrideOfWankenstein]

Found it

[BrideOfWankenstein]

There was a thread last year where OP's partner was recording her by downloading an app to her phone. And to get her recorded at all times, he was calling her a lot so she would keep her phone close.
I don't necessarily think that your DH is doing the same, but you never know...

[OfficeGirl1969]

(OH doesn't work..we text briefly like this.....
OH - There's a dead animal/cat vomit/a chicken/rat's head in the kitchen
Me - Nice. I'm saving the world. Have you sorted it out?
OH - Nope, I'm watching Youtube
Me - K. Be back at six then.......

[Trooperslane]

Sometimes I'm like that when I'm in the throes of massive anxiety.

Not sure if your DH is being controlling or not, but in my case a text to say "in work. Talk later" is all it takes.

I know my anxiety isn't rational and DH appreciates I'm not doing it to be a pain in the arse.

[OfficeGirl1969]

I'm being polite here. I'd be concerned and think this was unusual.....
Honestly, this seems controlling and overly fussy. No need

[KatieCelf]

Haha! My OH emailed me this thread asking if this was me asking!! Only tongue in cheek but still!

[Icanseeclearly]

Dp and I work together but in different departments. We know the people the other works with and have some cross over. We chat via email through the day, just "so and so just..." type things. It's nice. However, and this is key, if one or other is busy we just don't respond until we can. Sometimes that won't be until just as we close the computer down and it's never a problem. We chat because we like to not because we need it.

Boundaries are important and I am a bit concerned that your partner thinks he'll be frozen out if he doesn't have constant contact. That is a worrying state of mind imo.

[Notonthestairs]

When my DM died I rang DH every day. I am a SAHM and had generally spoken to her once a day. I wasnt checking up on him just wanting to talk to someone other than a child. Often he wasnt able to and that was fine, we both understood why I was calling. We also had a signal for when the phone call was a bit too dull and pointless (We'd ask what the other had in their sandwiches for lunch. Answer: cheese Response: What kind of cheese). Then we'd get the giggles and that would be that.
It was a crutch for a while and then I stopped doing it.
Now we are back to our normal - he texts me when he leaves work (he works erractic hours and I have no idea when he'll be home most days) but thats it unless one of us has a joke to share.
It is very wrong of him to claim that he'll feel pushed away and lose interest. Not on at all. It needs to be addressed - maybe some behreavement counselling?

[Smooshface]

My mum used to be like this. We text now, much prefer that!

[helenahandbag]

Thumb

That sounds so familiar

DP: where is ?
Me: I'm not sure. I think it was on the dining table, last I saw it.
DP: I can't see it.

Of course you can't, you're standing in the middle of the room and you haven't fucking moved anything to look for it! Arghhh!

[Oddoneout63]

Try not to be too hard on DH. Mine used to call me constantly and it drove me crazy, but he had just started a new job after two years unemployed. He works away from home a lot and was feeling vulnerable and lonely being away so much. He is used to the new routine now and calls me, usually, once a day, in the evening, sometimes in the morning. Is he feeling a bit unsettled for some reason?

Don't forget that you don't have to answer when he calls. Can you send an automatic message to say "can't talk now, please send me a text"? That way if it's really important, his reply to the text can say so if he needs? I also have our home answering machine on all the time - to filter out sales calls allow me to answer his calls when I'm actually free to speak

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

We speak to each other during the day if there's a reason to, but otherwise not at all.

Do you have a MIL? Maybe he could call his Mum instead?

Have you tried answering but being deliberately vague and distracted with lots of hmms? and yes dear, and "sorry what, I was just thinking about work" so it's in fact completely pointless to call you.

Several times a day is a bit barking - has he heard of radio 4?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

To be fair, Lorelei, I'm not usually backward in coming forward and have said similar before; also "I'm not your thinking-brain dog, work it out for yourself" is a common response.
It just wears you out, having to even say that every fucking time.

chained - yes, we are not alone. Although I still think yours transcends mine in the phonecall department!

[AlisonWunderland]

I never ring my partner when he is at work and vice versa unless it is to impart important information. Anything trivial (what do you want for dinner?) that can be done by text or email. If I actually ring him, he will answer because he knows it's important, not "how's your day going?"
We do our chit chat face to face out of work time.

And he shouldn't be ringing you cos he's bored driving. It's distracting for him, he should be concentrating on the road.

[chainedtothedesk]

Thumb This scenario sounds like I could have written it. I am constantly being asked where things are and a trip to the shop wouldn't be complete without at least one phonecall. So glad I'm not the only one.

[lorelei9]

Thumb, I'd be making that statement out loud.

Or tell him the halloumi is in the attic if you have one. Or under the bed...in the filing cabinet...all kinds of fun possible.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

lorelei - yup. His brain goes AWOL when it's anything not work-related - I am expected to do his thinking for him . Clearly I resist this as much and as often as possible, but he still tries. He was phoning to ask what he should get to cook for dinner (his turn to cook) and whether or not we had any halloumi - which is fair enough, but he could have asked that before we left (or, y'know, checked in the fridge), or at least asked both questions in the same phonecall!

This is how the conversation went when he got home:
So you've already got some halloumi? (yes)
Where is it? (in the fridge)
I can't see it, is it already open? (yes)
But where is it? (in the fridge, look for it)
I've found one, but it's not open (...)
Are you sure you have an open one? (...)
Oh, I think I've found it... yes, found it!

Inside I'm going "JUST FUCKING LOOK FOR IT!!"


I need my free Wednesdays...

[QOD]

I'm massively independent and social and dh isn't. We probably what's app most days. So that's gotta be normal
anymore than that, jeez it'd drive me nuts

My mum relies on me as pretty much her only friend and will bombard me with messages when she knows I'm at work and it drives.me crazy!!! Stressful knowing they're hanging round/ clinging to you

[WitchWay]

Could you ask him to call during your "lunch break" - I know you're at home but a bit of structure to the calls might make them less intrusive - you are working after all. Decline to pick up at other times.

[lorelei9]

Thumb, he called twice while out for fifteen minutes?!

[stinkysnowbear]

DP often rings me during the day but I like it, it's usually for a few minutes and there's no element of 'checking up'. If I don't answer or I'm busy he doesn't turn into an arse in the slightest and will often text to say 'don't worry calling back if you're busy, nothing important, love you'.

I agree it sounds controlling and irritating as f*ck.