To get annoyed at my husband's phonecalls

[chainedtothedesk]

My husband rings me several times a day. Sometimes its just for a chat, sometimes its for a reason. If I don't want to chat, he can often get stroppy about it (in my opinion - he would say that he didn't) and if I don't answer the call or return his call he keeps trying until I do.

We've just had another argument again (second in two days about this issue) as he has rang me several times in the last hour and I've not heard the phone. He sent me two emails (I work from home and I am on the computer all day) and it was only after an hour that I noticed and rang him back. His argument is that he thinks something has happened and that he worries if I have not called him back.

I've told him that there is no need to worry. I have been sat at my desk all morning. Nothing has happened. He thinks he is caring, and ringing me all the time is his way of showing this (as well as to discuss whatever issue he has called me about).

AIBU to want him to call less often?

[RaspberryOverload]

Actually I'd agree with the LTB to a large extent.

These calls are OTT. I only ever get a call if it's something really important.

I also frequently don't tell DP exactly where I am, or when I'm leaving somewhere.

OP, it seems to me that your DH is being controlling and needy, and that you may be minimising the behaviour. I mean, ringing you until you answer when he knows you're working at home? Doesn't exactly show respect to your work if he keeps interrupting you, does it. Really feels like he's constantly checking up on you here.

It's not you, it's him.

[JessicasRabbit]

chained, I think what he said in response to you sounds like a threat. It isn't unreasonable to leave someone who responds to legitimate complaints about behaviour by threatening you.

It isn't your job to be permanently available to him just because he feels like a chat. He needs to recognise that you are an individual with stuff to do, you aren't there just to be at his beck and call.

[WicksEnd]

Just tell him that you will no longer be answering his calls between the hours of X and X.
If it's urgent, he can text you 'URGENT' and you can call him.
This would drive me insane.

[AliceScarlett]

He's not being caring, I think he's checking because he is anxious. If ge stopped you doing things I'd think he was controlling, but I'm going to go for anxious.
Do you think he is anxious?
Ask him what he think might happen to you when he is not there?

[GruntledOne]

Point out that the vast majority of people can get by without speaking to their spouses all day without feeling in any way pushed away or that they don't care. Yesterday, due to our respective work commitments, I went from 7 a.m. to 10.30 p.m without speaking to DH, neither of us felt pushed out by it. Also point out that you really need to be able to work without constant interruptions, and it will harm your family income if you're not allowed to do that. In your shoes I would also be seriously worried about what his employer thinks about all the time he's spending on the phone to you and not doing what he's paid for.

How about if you lay it on the line that you will not be answering calls more than once in the morning and once in the afternoon, it doesn't mean you're pushing him away, it means that you will actually be happier to talk to him if you know that you're not constantly having your work interrupted and you're not worrying about his work. If necessary, put in place something for genuine emergencies, e.g. that he will phone a different number.

[PovertyPain]

It would suggest that he is very controlling, however has he ever lost anyone under bad circumstances? I know that sounds strange, but since I lost my dear husband, my oldest boy is a big like this. He will phone/text me if I'm out a bit longer than usual. I know he's terrified of something happening to me as we've talked about it, and I've told him he needs to realise I have things to do. He's starting to calm down now, but still needs some reassurance at times. He doesn't need to know where I am, just a wee word to know I'm ok. He's 25 bty.

You DH could be controlling, only you will know, or he could need some form of counselling. Good luck, either way.

[PovertyPain]

Xpost with Alice. Glad I'm not a lone voice.

[Thebookswereherfriends]

Why not try giving him a couple of set times when he can call, say 11.30 and 4pm. Tell him you will call him back when you can if you miss those calls, but all other calls you will be ignoring because you are busy working.

[WinnieFosterTether]

It's very controlling and it's also about him using you as an entertaining toy when he's bored because obviously him having someone to talk to on a long drive is much more important than respecting you are actually working.

STBXH does this so I know how bloody irritating it is.

My solutions are: ignore the calls (put the phone on silent if need be); answer just in case it is important and then quickly end the call because you need to work/someone else is calling. If he keeps ringing until you pick up then the latter is probably the best option ie answer but curtail the call.

[Mrsderekshepard]

My dh is the same its exhausting and I find myself being rude with him as I know he has no real reason to phone. I feel for you op.

[chainedtothedesk]

deregistered Other than this issue, we are happy. We don't seem to argue about any other issue than this. We have the same goals and aspirations and generally enjoy each other's company. We just have different ideas of what is a reasonable number of times to chat in the day.

So how do we come to a compromise? Until a new normal is established, do we need to agree to talk just once or twice a day or only text unless its urgent? Or what? How often do you talk to your partners in a normal working day?

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Is he an anxious type or very stressed at the moment? If not, it sounds stifling and controlling. I rarely speak to DH during the day unless there is a specific reason.

Ringing you because he is a bit bored is putting his feelings above your work. It suggests he thinks his needs are more important than your work commitments.

[whois]

He either has anxiety and needs treatment, or he is a controlling dick.

[HPsauciness]

Whatever the reason, it has to stop. You are working, this is not normal! If it is due to anxiety, you need to calmly explain to him that you are working between 9-12.30 and 1 and 4 or whatever and are not available to chat at that time. If it is due to being controlling, don't explain nicely, just state it bluntly and switch off the phone.

It does not sound like anxiety, it sounds like boredom and entitlement rolled into one.

[schmalex]

I wouldn't speak to my DH during the working day at all unless it was an emergency. We usually send a couple of emails but sometimes not even that if we're busy. We just talk in person when we get home!

[HPsauciness]

In a normal working day, I probably text/speak to my husband once from 9am to 5pm, usually to arrange something with childcare/check something. If he is busy, he cuts off the phone or texts me quickly. He does the same to me (so one call between us, not one each). Many days go by where we don't call/text each other at all between seeing each other in the morning and the evening because we are both too busy at work or in meetings.

[RortyCrankle]

That's really claustrophobic and I would be telling him not to phone during working time as you will not respond. I'm afraid if he said he's in danger of being pushed away and that he just eventually won't care, I would say that's his choice.

[Katisha]

How often do I talk to DH in a working day? Usually never. I might send an email once or twice a week but that will be for a reason, like checking he's remembered to leave work early for a parents evening or something. He might email me occasionally but again, usually something practical. No chatting during working day on any text, phone or email.

[BrownAjah]

That would drive me mad! I'm a SAHM and DH works erratic hours. Unless we need to talk about something we don't speak during the day at all! I will generally Skype him if I do need him for something non-urgent. As long as I know what to do about dinner I don't need to talk to him so I wait until he gets home

[Greyponcho]

If he's calling you while he's driving, he's calling you because he's bored.
For him to keep pestering you so doggedly throughout the day shows that he doesn't respect the fact that you're busy, doing work in your career.
You are in paid employment - his interruptions are taking up your valuable time when you should be working and it's not on.
Has none of your colleagues noticed the persistent calls/messages Sky writers, message o grams, carrier pigeons, other stalkerish methods of communication I can't think of right now ?
I worked with a woman who used to call her hubby at least twice a day (was very disrupting for the rest of us who cracked on with our work ), I wondered what they actually talked about when they got home?

becasue of the time he takes up, do you end up missing your breaks?

[chainedtothedesk]

PovertyPain and AliceScarlett - I think you are probably right, it is more anxiousness than controlling behaviour. He doesn't stop me from doing things or going to places but he does worry and something has happened - though I've pointed out that this is unlikely.

Also, he doesn't not have many family members - his parents have both died in the last few years and I think there are times he feels lonely and needs to chat, and he talked to his Mum A LOT. I think he sometimes needs me to fill the void.

(btw He often calls on his lunch hour or driving to / from a meeting so not all calls are made from his desk so his employers are unlikely to know how many personal calls he makes).

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

"Right DH. Let's put it to the vote. Next time X is round, let's see what they think".

Unless X is a controlling/needy pita too, they will agree with you.

If your DH genuinely thinks he's being reasonable he won't mind everyone else knowing, will he?

But I bet he won't want anyone else to know. Because he knows full well he's being utterly ludicrous with his demands 🙄

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

When he is with other people, does he still call you as often? If not then it's about boredom not anxiety.

[NameChange30]

Hmmm. I think it would be healthier for him to deal with his bereavement and loneliness without leaning so heavily on you - he is verging on emotional dependency territory. He might even benefit from counselling to deal with his anxiety.

Does he have any siblings or friends he's close to? Does he socialise with colleagues or get on well with anyone at work?

This is a massive generalisation but some men can fall into the trap of relying too much on their wives for companionship and emotional support. DH and have other relationships that we encourage each other to nurture because we know it's good for our relationship. Of course we are the most important person in each other's lives, but not the ONLY person.

[blobbityblob]

I agree with others. It's either about anxiety or controlling behaviour.

Dh usually rings me at lunchtime for a general chat, largely because I work on my own and have nobody to talk to all day and I have a tendency to depression.

But only outside that only really arrangements changing for that day, emergencies.

If we were both working outside the home, I'd probably not ring him at all during the working day. I might text to say, are you getting tea or picking up dc though.