Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at my husband's phonecalls

98 replies

chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 12:53

My husband rings me several times a day. Sometimes its just for a chat, sometimes its for a reason. If I don't want to chat, he can often get stroppy about it (in my opinion - he would say that he didn't) and if I don't answer the call or return his call he keeps trying until I do.

We've just had another argument again (second in two days about this issue) as he has rang me several times in the last hour and I've not heard the phone. He sent me two emails (I work from home and I am on the computer all day) and it was only after an hour that I noticed and rang him back. His argument is that he thinks something has happened and that he worries if I have not called him back.

I've told him that there is no need to worry. I have been sat at my desk all morning. Nothing has happened. He thinks he is caring, and ringing me all the time is his way of showing this (as well as to discuss whatever issue he has called me about).

AIBU to want him to call less often?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 13:45

DH and I

hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2016 13:45

In a normal day we might text each other twice and I'd say 3 days out of 5 he will call me but it's usually with something he needs or he knows I'm waiting for replies on something or other.
I must admit, I don't call him though. Text is enough for me.
He does manual and drives a lot so it's easier for him to call me than text.
But it is maximum once a day!
I've seen him in the morning and I will see him in the evening.

Would he agree to be checked for anxiety as per PPs suggestions?

In the mean-time, agree on a time he will call you. Say 2pm, just after lunch. If he tries to call more then ignore him.
Tell him you will ignore all calls unless it's the 2pm agreed time.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/02/2016 13:46

manual work!

Original poster
chainedtothedesk · 10/02/2016 13:48

AnotherEmma I think you have hit the nail on the head. He has acquaintances but few close friends. I think he does just rely on me.

He does have siblings but they don't live nearby and don't seem to need to chat as often as he does. I know he feels a bit snubbed sometimes if they don't answer the phone or don't have time for a long call.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 10/02/2016 13:52

Thank you for answering OP. My oldest has went NC with his birth parents, who are divorced, and lost contact with his little sister for nearly five years. Losing my husband nearly destroyed him and he told me he was terrified of losing all his family. His dsis came to live with us a few months before my DH died, but that fear is still there. He's constantly paranoid about her being taken by either of her birth parents.

It can have a massive impact losing so many people and it would seem it's more to do with fear than control, OP. I honestly think your husband needs counselling. I do agree with the posters regarding set times for phone calls. Tell him you will talk to him at set times and maybe stretch the times between calls out, bit by bit.

eddielizzard · 10/02/2016 13:52

well the arguments aren't working.

i'd try: tell him you'll speak to him every day but only during lunch time as it's too disruptive for you. make him repeat that back. that is all you're comfortable with. then you have to do it. ignore all calls, texts and emails until lunchtime. then phone him. don't respond even to say i'll phone at lunch. nothing. and keep on every day. don't back down.

i get he's lonely and anxious but it's ruining your life. he needs to deal with it.

RaspberryOverload · 10/02/2016 13:53

I probably get a call maybe once or twice a month from DP during working hours.

Unless it's an absolute emergency, he'll time the call for lunch, and at most it's a very quick question and answer.

I also rarely call him unless it's an emergency.

I mean, I'm working, so's he, so we leave each other to get on with the job.

And even if either of us is off, we don't phone unless it's an emergency.

NameChange30 · 10/02/2016 13:54

In that case I would be encouraging to nurture some closer friendships. Maybe reconnect with old friends or take up an activity that will help him to make new friends.

In the meantime, if he's being overly needy with you and/or his siblings, maybe counselling would fill the gap?

Sounds harsh but he can talk all he wants if he's paying someone to listen!

He does need to respect the fact that you are a. working and b. need space. His needs (to fix his loneliness and boredom) don't trump yours.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/02/2016 13:54

If he thinks this shows caring then let him show you he cares. BY LEAVING YOU THE FUCK ALONE UNTIL TEATIME!

Or start ringing him at 13 minutes past the hour. Every hour.....

BarricadesBabe · 10/02/2016 13:58

How often do you talk to your partners in a normal working day?

Not at all between approx. 8am and 6pm unless there are unexpected childcare/household management issues to discuss.

HermioneJeanGranger · 10/02/2016 13:58

It sounds like boredom to me. If he's doing a job where he's sat in a car on his own for several hours a day, I can understand him wanting someone to talk to occasionally. But he's still being unreasonable - you're working and he needs to respect that. Not use you to ease his boredom and expect you to drop your job the moment the phone rings.

I mean, he's not controlling in ANY other way, so this doesn't appear to be really about control at all, especially if he used to talk to his mum a lot and now can't as she's passed away.

To answer your question, DP and I text maybe 5 times over the day. Mainly because we don't see each other all day until the evening due to our work hours. I leave home before he wakes up in the morning so I do like to talk to him a little, but if he's busy at work or I'm busy it's NBD. Plus I can't have my phone on me at work so it's only if we're on breaks that we chat.

LionsLedge · 10/02/2016 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 14:09

Do you think he'd consider counseling for this? Whether it's anxiety or control issues, it's not normal and it's not fair to you, nor is it fair to him if he's suffering from some type of anxiety disorder.

And the emotional blackmail is manipulative no matter what the motivation. To continue to be told 'do what I say or I'll stop caring about you' is extremely manipulative. If it continues you'll soon suffer from anxiety yourself.

lorelei9 · 10/02/2016 14:09

I would lose my mind
I know a few couples who chat about 3 times during the working day. Bizarre. I suspect they also text or call to say "I'll be home in twenty minutes" or whatever.

I think it's totally fair to tell him to calm down already.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2016 14:10

You are working. You are not available to chat, you are working. If you worked in an office surrounded by colleagues and within earshot of your boss, would he call you? No, he probably wouldn't - it would be inappropriate and could lead to career problems. SO why does he think it's OK just because you work from home? You are still at work.

"He says he's in danger of being pushed away and that he just eventually won't care."
That's a nasty thing to say. To paraphrase 'answer my calls immediately woman or I won't love you any more'. Utter bollocks. And frankly, by continuing to call you when you've asked him not to, he is pushing you away. Two can play the talking bollocks game.

"How often do you talk to your partners in a normal working day?"
Not at all. We talk at breakfast, we talk when we get home. There's nothing so urgent it can't wait.

GruntledOne · 10/02/2016 14:12

How often do you talk to your partners in a normal working day?

Hardly at all - we just call about short queries that can't wait (e.g. "Can you give DC a lift to X tonight?), and quite often we do those by text or email. We prefer to leave actual conversation for when we're together at the beginning and end of the day.

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 14:13

My husband and I call eachother during the day, but if neither is available it's not an issue.

toffeeboffin · 10/02/2016 14:13

I don't speak to DH during the day unless it's an emergency.

We see enough of each other at home!

GruntledOne · 10/02/2016 14:17

Maybe you should start another thread asking how often people speak to their partners during the working day and then show it to your DH to prove that not talking to each other all day is actually the norm amongst couples who care for each other?

Frostycake · 10/02/2016 14:19

I actually ended things with a live-in partner over similar behaviour.

He worked away for months at a time and would ring me four times per day whether I was working or not and ask what I was up to and just to pass the time.

drove. me. mad.

It smacks of 'checking up' and assumes you have nothing better to do than chat idly with them to pass their dull moments.

Does your partner follow you around the house when he's at home too? My ex was like a shaddow. He had to go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2016 14:26

That would drive me out of my brain.

Today was my "day off" - 3yo at pre-school, DS1 at school, I have the day to do stuff. DH decided to work from home. This annoyed me from the outset as it interferes with my calm freedom (he's very noisy).

Then he started coming in to "see what I was doing". Then he wanted to know what I was having for lunch. Then he needed to go to the shop to get bread for his own lunch - and while he was gone, for an outside max of 15minutes, he phoned me twice.

I got the hump. I told him that I valued my free time without the klingon 3yo, I didn't need it to be ruined by an adult manchild who was always in my face asking questions and needing attention. He apologised and said he will try to work from home other days instead. Which would be lovely.

Re. your DH - it is weird. He sounds extremely clingy and overly dependent on you - but I do think there is an element of control as well. He needs you to answer the phone; not necessarily just because he wants to hear your voice, but because he wants to know that you are available to him at all times. THAT is controlling. His arsiness when you say you don't want him to phone so much as well - that is controlling (his needs supercede yours).

Perhaps you could try to reduce it by offering him set times that he could phone you? And telling him that you won't be answering the phone outside of those times, because it's too much. See if that works.

Chewbecca · 10/02/2016 14:27

To answer the how often do you and your DH speak during the day.

DH and I do not speak during the day but we do email quite a lot sometimes, chatty, to and fro emails. I just checked and he's sent me 6 this morning so I've sent 6 too. Which I guess is quite a lot. They're all one liners. I didn't speak to him last night as I was late home so asked if he was ok, we exchanged a comment about DS's activity yesterday and I shared some new info on the health of a parent etc.

The difference is it is not intrusive. Sometimes I don't answer for hours, or even at all as I'm too busy, in meetings etc, and vice versa. That's fine, the only mention it would get would be along the lines of 'oooh, were you rushed off your feet today' or similar.

GruntledOne · 10/02/2016 14:27

How about if you just pick up the phone, say "Hi, sorry, can't talk now, work, bye"? He couldn't claim to be worried about you then.

stinkysnowbear · 10/02/2016 14:31

DP often rings me during the day but I like it, it's usually for a few minutes and there's no element of 'checking up'. If I don't answer or I'm busy he doesn't turn into an arse in the slightest and will often text to say 'don't worry calling back if you're busy, nothing important, love you'.

I agree it sounds controlling and irritating as f*ck.

lorelei9 · 10/02/2016 14:41

Thumb, he called twice while out for fifteen minutes?!

Swipe left for the next trending thread