To be annoyed that nursery worker called ds sneaky?

[Twasthecatthatdidit]

DS, who has just turned 3, went into a nursery 6 months ago. He goes through periods of being settled and not settling there (eg periods of crying going in). We've also been told from time to time he has hit others in the class. He's also the only boy in his class too. The last few weeks have been v good since he toilet trained which he's taken to ( think he's enjoying the praise) but today when I went in to collect him, and was standing holding him in my arms, I was told today was a bad day and he was hit some other children and the worker called him "sneaky" because apparently he kicked someone under the table. Am I being precious to think a just turned 3 year old shouldn't be labelled sneaky, in front of him and all the others in the class? We had issues a few months where he was calling himself bad, and we don't know where that came from. Have a little niggly feeling that this worker is a bit abrupt with all the children, but also not sure if she's taken against him (eg last year I think he told her he didn't like her and she didn't take it well). Or am I being a bit precious ? Re the hitting, we had a chat with him tonight about not hurting others which he seemed to take on board, also previously I've noticed his behaviour deteriorates when tired, I wasn't here last night and I suspect he may have been 30 to 40
Mins late to bed (dh is a bit lax). Should
I say something to her about it being inappropriate language?

Frankly I wish teachers would recognise that some behaviour is sneaky more often. There is a lot of it about and it's never said.

Obviously not "you are a sneaky child" but "that was sneaky behaviour".

I very much doubt a 3 year old thought process was "I'm going to kick him, I know, I'll do it under the table so no one will see me"

His thought process would have been "I'm going to kick him"

There's nothing sneaky about that! The nursery worker sounds like she doesn't understand 3 year olds very well. If this person has a lot to do with your son, I'd move nurseries.

It is sneaky to do so and I think parents should be told so they can nip it in the bud as soon as they see it happening. Kids are smarter than everyone thinks they are. Maybe you didn't love her language but it's not a bad word to use. Maybe she shouldn't have said it in front of others.

My heart goes out to your ds. It's the idea that a 3 yo has to face every day with resignation at best, and misery at worst. Poor little chap.

There is no issue with the lady being honest with you. That is a part of her job, to have a fair and open relation regarding your child.

I think it might be worth a word to say, 'DS keeps calling himself "bad", please of course deal with him if he misbehaves, but perhaps you could speak to him separately, or if that isn't appropriate, use language that.'

My DS really strugged at pre-school. Not hitting etc, but he was manic and wouldn't listen and we were put on the road to getting him assessed, which turned out to be a red herring. Fast forward a few years and he loves school and always joins in / has his hand up, etc. I think it's a combination of increased maturity and warmer teaching style. I think sometimes a setting just doesn't suit a child and vice versa, so I guess your options are exploring other nurseries or riding it out, but maybe keeping in close contact with the staff at the nursery.

*'use language that doesn't reinforce the idea that he is bad'.

Sorry - got distracted by doorbell.

One thing that sticks out from your post is the variable drop off time.

In my experience this can really affect a child's ability to settle into an environment. Is it very variable?

Most settings have a 'start' to the day. In dds nursery there was a carpet time at 9am where they discussed what would be done today (age appropriately obviously)

If your ds is turning up at different times everyday then he could be missing important parts of the structure of the day.

I'm afraid a kids do settle better with a predictable structure to their days.

Have your nursery mentioned this?

Kids can be very blunt and honest, If your ds is hitting other dc in Nursery, Maybe it is the dc themselves who are calling him bad.

Milk, it's talking about the early years, particularly before 3, where research shows one to one with a carer is best. I guess I always saw my child ideally with one childminder who would see him grow up ( like what I had) who would have affection for him. Instead I've completely failed to deliver that, his childcare has chopped and changed. Now he's in a setting where he never seems to be talked about warmly, he often hates going in and I'm panicked about his behaviour and whether he's going to be the shunned bully. I think it hurts especially when you think real progress has been made and he's finally happy and behaving well!

I don't think his behaviour is that unusual, but I would try and find somewhere happier for him. They know when they're not 'liked' very much and it's not fair.

Honest to God moon I don't think I have read a post less helpful, more spiteful and more self centred than yours. Daughters of Eve? Spiteful girls? I am going to report. This has been a pretty good thread up until know. Go crawl back under your bridge.

I very much doubt a 3 year old thought process was "I'm going to kick him, I know, I'll do it under the table so no one will see me"

Christ on a bike. These threads, man. I knew I shouldn't have clicked. Do any of you actually KNOW any 3 year olds? They are very much capable of sneaky, dishonest behaviour. Y'know, so they can do stuff they want without getting in trouble?

If the kid was 1, I'd agree with you. There's not much "cause and effect" going on there. But 3 year olds are VERY capable of attempting to hide, cover up, lie for bad behaviour in order to avoid being told off.

Ugh.

I apologise OP I didn't realise you weren't in the UK.
Nursery staff in England follow something called the Early Years Foundation stage and are inspected by Ofsted, also at least one member of staff must be level 3 qualified in each room with half of other staff at least a level 2 qualification, so I had assumed that the staff working with your son had a basic insight into child development and would be following the behaviour management policy of the setting.
Which might be conpletely different in childcare settings outside the UK.
Hope that makes sense and you are able to arrange alternative care arrangements as honestly your son will pick up on your feelings and this will reflect on his behaviour.

Oh my gosh bearleft????Because I sympathised a liitle with a distressed pregnant OP and a little boy of three???How spiteful and self centered?

Refuse to let you derail OP's thread and will hide it now.

Daughters of eve?

Bizarre, even for aibu.

OP, you said - not until September, we're not in UK

When i was reading your post I was thinking this family is not in the UK, and I bet the assistant isn't from there either.

It all makes a lot more sense now and I hope you get is sorted out soon.

My heart goes out to your ds. It's the idea that a 3 yo has to face every day with resignation at best, and misery at worst. Poor little chap.

Very true, and it must be awful for the OP knowing this is the case despite her efforts to the contrary.

Hopefully it will be sorted out soon.

My son is very sneaky. And I tell him so. They need to know early on their behaviour is negative and does not go unoticed. I think you sound very pfb and as much as it makes us feel bad our kids can be pains to other kids and we need to deal with that instead of obsessing with the terminology others use to describe this

Re his routine, I have sorted his bedtime (he doesn't nap any more which makes it easier) which is good. Dh assures me he didn't put him to bed that late. At least one night a week I am not home so I have to trust him to do this. I don't see how to improve his morning routine without it resulting in significantly more time in the nursery. Currently he goes in any time from 8.30 (if I'm dropping) to as late as 11.30, but usually around 10.30. We couldn't always make it 10.30 cos sometimes my dh has to start v early. It was me dropping him today, he went in quite happily so I'm crossing my fingers that yesterday was an aberration, and he continues the more mature path he had been starting on. What steps can you take to help a toddler manage his emotions and not lash out when he's angry? It's difficult when I'm not there. Re empathy for others, he's shown some nice empathy for the cat in the last few days which has made me feel I'm not raising a tyrant because there were times I had my doubts last year.

Kids hit other kids. We teach them not to do it. It just takes longer to bed in with some.

I'm positive you're not raising a tyrant! I've been there, had that feeling and it all turns out ok

Although you/nursery need to continue dealing with his behaviour, it sounds normal to me for a just three year old. I'd be similarly concerned about the way they're reporting it to you - my two DS' nursery has been at pains to say that although this kind of thing needs to be tackled, it's also normal (I tend to get quite wound up when the kids aren't behaving well and they're good at reassuring me I don't need to lie awake fretting).

I dislike labelling and if they're doing this it's not ideal - it smacks a bit of not knowing what they're doing, though perhaps that's an overreaction. Reporting the incident factually as it happened would be better. Could you have a meeting with the nursery, say you're a bit concerned about his behaviour and would like to chat about whether it's normal, and ask how they deal with different types of poor behaviour so you're on the same page? Their answers will either help you worry less or give you an insight into how they're tackling things.

Apologies if you've already said this but are there non-nursery childcare options you could look into? It doesn't sound like you or DS are happy with this arrangement.

PS I'd also ask them the question about helping a child of that age deal with frustration and big emotions without lashing out. How they answer could either be useful for your reference or revealing about how they tackle things.