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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that nursery worker called ds sneaky?

106 replies

Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:16

DS, who has just turned 3, went into a nursery 6 months ago. He goes through periods of being settled and not settling there (eg periods of crying going in). We've also been told from time to time he has hit others in the class. He's also the only boy in his class too. The last few weeks have been v good since he toilet trained which he's taken to ( think he's enjoying the praise) but today when I went in to collect him, and was standing holding him in my arms, I was told today was a bad day and he was hit some other children and the worker called him "sneaky" because apparently he kicked someone under the table. Am I being precious to think a just turned 3 year old shouldn't be labelled sneaky, in front of him and all the others in the class? We had issues a few months where he was calling himself bad, and we don't know where that came from. Have a little niggly feeling that this worker is a bit abrupt with all the children, but also not sure if she's taken against him (eg last year I think he told her he didn't like her and she didn't take it well). Or am I being a bit precious ? Re the hitting, we had a chat with him tonight about not hurting others which he seemed to take on board, also previously I've noticed his behaviour deteriorates when tired, I wasn't here last night and I suspect he may have been 30 to 40
Mins late to bed (dh is a bit lax). Should
I say something to her about it being inappropriate language?

OP posts:
Hihohoho1 · 09/02/2016 23:52

All kids do sneaky things though. Look child care workers don't always absolutely watch every word they say to kids. They are human.

Personally I would be talking to my dh about getting him to bed on time and not shooting the messenger.

Don't worry about your ds being a bit of a bully at just 3.

He will punch the wrong child one day and get hurt back and harder. Them he will learn a lesson.

Tis the law of the jungle. Life lesson. We all have to learn.

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/02/2016 23:52

My DS went through a biting stage at this age and when I collected him from Playgroup and had to sign an incident form I was beside myself. You have to stop worrying about the language the keyworker used and accept this has happened. Talk to him about it and ask him why he did if. Give him strategiea to deal with frustration. Tell his keyworker and ask if they can reinforce those at nursery. Mine was basically to tell him to shout for his keyworker rather than bite to get his own way. My guess is he did it out of frustration. It will be hard for you and him if it continues but if you find his keyworker is obstructive then ask for a change of keyworker. But try to work with her. This really is a key time to get this right as some children can start reception without being able to acknowledge others feelings amd take turns which are key areas in the eyfs framework.

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2016 23:52

If he doesn't loke going there, can you find another one?

And you may not be 'routiney', but nursery is and school will be, so maybe you could help him adjust to that?

Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:53

Lots of other cross posts! We could try to change nursery but no decent one would have a space before June. I'm on maternity leave in the summer and even if he stayed where he is he would be changing class next sept - he seems to have a really good bond with that class's teacher, she often looks after him for the last 20 mins of the day.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 09/02/2016 23:54

Hi op, I just want to say I realise your son hasn't bit anyone but was using my experience as an example.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 23:55

Your child is getting two separate signals at home, he's cross about this and acting out.

You are compensating by not chastising bad behaviour in the correct manner due to feeling guilty.

But, no matter what, your child cannot hurt others.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/02/2016 23:55

You can either work with her - or complain about her - either way his behaviour needs addressing.

If you have no choice then go the nice route! He's there along time during the day.

Have a meeting and express your concerns about how he's behaving and how you address that at home -

Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 09/02/2016 23:58

That's fine bear, my niece bit at nursery and now she's the sweetest kindest child going! Gives me hope! Though I do worry about his behaviour of course. One day his worker told my dh that ds' behaviour was such that he might need to be assessed. Anyone else (OK, well his grannies) seem to think that's bonkers and that she's labelling totally normal 2 (now 3) year old behaviour.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/02/2016 00:01

If it's normal - how many times has your DS been kicked hit bitten etc?

Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/02/2016 00:04

He won't be demonstrating the same behaviour at home because there are no children here! He's not good at sharing and we're working on that. I actually wonder if he's happier at the end of the day because there's less children there...I'm aware of the research showing group care can cause aggression in boys. Yes I guess I do feel guilty, deep down I don't really like nurseries but our previous childcare let us down and we thought he would be old enough to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/02/2016 00:05

I don't know how often he's been hit - maybe 3 or 4 times? He's never been bitten, he's never bit.

OP posts:
MyNameIsAlexDrake · 10/02/2016 00:05

Given your last post OP I would be asking for a meeting with the nursery manager and the key worker to talk through the issues that the key worker has indicated previously.

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/02/2016 00:06

Assessed? Hmmm what made her say that? I don't think your DS behaviour soumds remotely unusual. It is a developmental stage. I think any early years setting has to provide learning opportunities to get this right and appropriate language and strategies to praise and encourage success in this area. If this isn't happening maybe it is time to look elsewhere.

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 10/02/2016 00:07

By last post I mean your one at 23:58. You've posted a few since then.

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/02/2016 00:08

Definitely meet with nursery manager and maybe chat to health visitor?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/02/2016 00:10

"...group care can cause aggression in boys."

I'm sorry OP but it's coming across that you don't want to take any responsibility or action for your son's behaviour. You really do need a meeting with the nursery - not to complain that the worker used a negative word for his negative behaviour but to work out how to stop that behaviour.

Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/02/2016 00:15

Drake, that was about 3 months ago and nothing similar has been intimated since ( or indeed hinted at by anyone else). That was after a v disturbed night where he had only about 4 hours sleep (I had warned them in the morning). The hitting really seemed to have gone away. We do take hitting v seriously. Also the problems with sharing (hoping a sibling will help with that). Other things she's said, she seems to be stricter than us eg he's being naughty because he won't sit still on his chair (do 2 year old boys sit still?) or because he wouldn't stay lying on his mat when the worker left the room, he followed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/02/2016 00:17

Milk, that's a research finding not an excuse!

OP posts:
Original poster
Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/02/2016 00:19

There's little doubt he would be better behaved if I was looking after him I think. I could be more on top of it. When he went there, they used "the step" a lot - we started using it too to be consistent but found it counter productive unless used v rarely. His behaviour with us improved when we stopped using it.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 10/02/2016 00:25

You need to take that research with a pinch of salt. I was a sahm and my DS was only at Playgroup for 2 1/2 hours a day and he still bit, was still struggled with taking turns. Tiredness can be a massive factor. I have a feeling when baby arrives it will get worse and more confusing for him if this isn't dealt with now, especially if you continue to use nursery. A three year old can't take turns with a baby. Try not too worry but do talk to the nursery and take it from there.

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/02/2016 00:30

Just one further point,re the sitting. Nurseries and Playgroups are built around routines and getting them ready for school. Was he supposed to be sitting for snacktime maybe? That would be expected of them. You can't have all the children wandering about and not conforming.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/02/2016 00:33

Does stricter mean higher expectations? If 5 kids can sit then so can 6?

Following instructions is important to the running of nurseries.

ForgivenNotForgotten · 10/02/2016 00:36

Obviously, he shouldn't be kicking other children, and that needs to be dealt with. However, I suspect that your real problem with all this is that you feel the nursery worker doesn't like him, you don't really agree with the ethos of the place, or indeed of nursery style care in general, and you are doubting whether or not you should send him at all.

I don't like "the step" either. And I agree that many young children do better in small, more informal groups, where there is closer supervision, plus often better pastoral care and the opportunity to build more empathetic relationships (rather than just learning to conform and sit still when required).

I do see where you are coming from.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/02/2016 00:40

Sorry OP, but that research sounds like bollocks.

Most children are taught in group settings - school!

Hihohoho1 · 10/02/2016 00:43

But but he's just 3!!!

Op my oldest ds( now a respectable dad aged 26) bit the most popular girl in nursery. Apparently she hadn't moved quick enough and he wanted to get past! Wink

At the end of the day the vast majority of kids exhibit this type of behaviour because they are kids

Sort the bed time routine out and of course Support the nursery and work together.

This will pass. He will be snogging teenage girls before you know it.