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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to call police on MIL??!!

111 replies

paperchase0verdone · 09/02/2016 20:39

Ok, so this is a long thread so please bare with me! lol
My DW's Gran passed away on November 6th 2015. Funeral was booked for the following week.
Now Gran was the type to always have money, she didn't buy much and was a bit of a money hoarder, well a hoarder all around TBF. So Gran has 4 children. My MIL being one of them and the only girl.
Gran had cancer and other complications so had to spend near off 6 weeks in the hospital. Gran left my MIL her bank card and asked her to pay of Provident for her every week (£50) Gran received DLA and Income Support. So as her bills came out Direct Debit (only had SKY at that time which was £27 a month) Gran came out to find most of her money gone (!) out of her bank but never said anything to my MIL as she was to ill to even worry about that (Gran died a week later at home)
Funeral bill comes through. MIL took £700 out of Gran account to pay deposit on funeral. Left to pay was £2400. Gran's benefits were still getting paid and we presumed MIL would pay it towards funeral. Gran was gifted a £450 cheque from Marie Curie which was delivered AFTER Gran was gone. Again, we thought it would go towards the funeral bill. MIL had applied to the benefits to help pay and they awarded her £1600 towards funeral cost, which left £800.
Now if we take into account the £450 from Marie Curie, that would leave £350. Gran was due her final benefit payment on the 9th November (not sure on the amount) So there's us thinking all paid off! Great.
Oh how wrong was we?!?!
MIL had in fact SPENT the cheque of Marie Curie, has SPENT every penny from Gran's bank account (the benefits still paying in) and the funeral home were giving her FINAL DEMANDS to pay the remaining balance. MIL has admitted to taking money from Gran account, making the account over drawn.
I'm FUMING! So is my DW but not as badly as me. I'm on the boarder of going round there and just kicking off because as Gran's kids WONT pay, I'M NOW HAVING TO PAY THE REST OFF!! Well, I say I but I mean we. But you know what I mean. We have 2 children as well as a Foster Child and spending that amount out is just going to kick us where it hurts.
MIL still has Gran bank cards, wont hand anything over to us because she knows we will see she has been taking money which would have paid this off. AIBU to want to go to the police? DW thinks I shouldn't but isn't this THEFT & FRAUD? Surly so. DW doesn't think it is theft. I said it is because it isn't money MIL is entitled to or deserves.
She spent bloody charity money FGS. Money that could have gone to someone else, someone living, someone who deserves it. Not on bloody handbags (MIL had a new handbag every few days, fags, the whole lot) She was living the life of bloody riley.
So yes, the question is, AIBU about wanting to call the police and see if we can press charges? See if they can shut her bank account off? Get MIL done for fraud? This whole situation is stressing out my DW so badly. Not sleeping, not eating, crying, snappy. Just awful.

OP posts:
Atthebottomofthegarden · 09/02/2016 22:32

I would give citizens advice a call.

PovertyPain · 09/02/2016 22:34

You know OP, your mil could still be taking the piss. The scumbags may actually have the money but know that if they lay the guilt on your wife, she will end up paying it.

I would tell them that you will not pay it and the funeral directors can and will take her to court, where she'll have to explain why it's not paid. That could lead to an investigation. If you put the wind up them, you might find they suddenly have enough money.

Inertia · 09/02/2016 22:39

I think you need to report it to the police. I also think you shouldn't pay anything, because all of the bills and payments will need to be investigated. Don't cloud the picture.

holeinmyheart · 09/02/2016 22:42

Well, having now read all the replies I think to keep your wife happy you are going to have to pay the £800. It is not fair but neither is life.

You then can decide to go NC with the piece of S who is you MIL.

Once the decision is made and there is nothing you can do further, the best thing to do is forget it. Concentrate on the good and positive things in your life and move on.
What is the alternative? Fester, worry, fume and seek revenge? Or refuse to pay. It all wreaks havoc with your life. The perpetrator is quite happy and you would be suffering.
I wouldn't go to the Police as it will make your wife feel bad to have squealed about her Mum. Even if her Mum is a bag of s. I couldn't do it. You have the means to revenge yourself on your MIL by not paying the final bill.

So decide what to do, do it and then forget it.

WicksEnd · 09/02/2016 22:55

DWP wouldn't have issued a funeral payment unless they'd had a copy of the death certificate OP.

PovertyPain · 09/02/2016 23:01

DWP wouldn't have issued a funeral payment unless they'd had a copy of the death certificate OP.

That's true. I think the mil is holding onto the D/C because she's still claiming mother for the gran, from somewhere. Tell her you won't pay until she hands over the ashes and death certificate. Why are you both being so passive about this? I know you said you're raging but you're still being passive regarding the payments.

MigGril · 09/02/2016 23:19

I think you need to report it to the police. I also think you shouldn't pay anything, because all of the bills and payments will need to be investigated. Don't cloud the picture

^This, surely by you paying it, then it is possibly when DWP come after your MIL for the money you will have muddied the waters. If your name isn't on the bill and you didn't sign for anything then stay well away from it.

Reporting it is the best thing you can do, they will then investigate and find out what has happened. I suspect you are right and that she's still claiming your DW's gran's payments. They will chase her for this, they take it very seriously.

PovertyPain · 09/02/2016 23:20

Money not mother.

RonaldMcDonald · 09/02/2016 23:24

OP

I think you are inserting yourself into your Mil's drama

A simple 'this bill has nothing to do with us' would change everything

Saying this will not change your wife's relationship with her grandmother.

That was about love not finance.

Anything else that you do will simply enable your Mil or further inflame the situation.

These are not your monkeys and not your circus

Arkwright · 09/02/2016 23:27

I believe that her benefits should have been stopped when she went into hospital. You might find they try to claim this money back.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2016 23:28

Don't pay it. Report MIL to the police and to the benefits office. Get a copy of the Death Certificate - you can do this yourselves from the Registry office, and get it sent to her bank(s) so they freeze the accounts, which is what should have happened immediately.

Even though there is no Will, and your DW's gran died intestate, there may still have to be some kind of legal reckoning, I don't know. If you can afford to do so, get advice from a solicitor.

I wouldn't let this rest either, tbh.

Rainbunny · 09/02/2016 23:30

I have nothing constructive to add except to CALL THE POLICE! Even if your dw doesn't want to go down this path, what your MIL has done impacted you financially and may continue to. Just call the police!

stillaspooninthecup · 09/02/2016 23:39

Haven't read the whole thread as unfortunately it brings back bad memories of similar happening in our family. We did call police on our family member and the police were wonderful - they has a specialist who dealt with elderly abuse. So do please call them.

Also when we notified DWP, we had to repay overpayments so ensure that DWP are notified and that your MIL has/had the money.

PovertyPain · 09/02/2016 23:39

If you go to the bank, explain that gran has died and you feel that someone is taking money from her account, they will cancel her card. You may have to contact them every couple of days to prevent a new one being sent out. We did this when my youngest came to live with us and her father kept trying to get money from her account. She has SNs and had, amongst other things, been financially abused. The bank was great.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2016 23:43

Yanbu.

Police. Seriously - it's a no brainier.

She simply cannot get away with this Angry

Could Dw speak to her great aunt and see if she could take he ashes? Explain what gran's wishes were?

Monkeyinshoes · 09/02/2016 23:53

Do not pay it. Your MIL and Uncle can't push this debt onto you. They haven't got a legal leg to stand on. If it's not your name on the arrangements, not your signature on the forms, then it's not your job to sort out payment. Ignore they're requests and walk away.

Same with all of Grans bank accounts. Leave well alone. If she died intestate then it's her children that will inherit anything and it's up to them if they want to deal with all the paper work.

Certainly what your MIL has done is fraud but again, this is not your problem. Report if you want but whatever you do, walk away. These are not your bills to pay.

Monkeyinshoes · 09/02/2016 23:56

I mean... "Ignore their requests and walk away"

NanaNina · 10/02/2016 00:02

Well said Ronald McDonald - I don't understand why the OP thinks he has to pay the bills. They're still MILs bills even if she has spent the money.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2016 00:19

You. are. NOT. legally. liable. for. this. debt.

If your DW wants to pay it as a 'debt of honour' that's one thing. But you are not legally obliged to pay.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/02/2016 00:37

If you talk to the police try and stick to things like taking grans money taking the charity payment.

Rather than who pays the funeral bill the first things are actual crimes the last is just a civil debt

Bogeyface · 10/02/2016 00:51

What about you agree with your wife to put the money to one side and you will pay the bill after any investigation has taken place?

That way her family friend doesnt have to suffer any losses, but you dont muddy the waters by getting involved in this financially. If you do get involved then the police may well have to investigate you too, and while you have nothing to hide, it will still be stressful and you dont need that.

LalaLyra · 10/02/2016 02:01

If your DW and her Gran were close, and Gran was close to your DS, there is no way she'd want you and them to be hundreds of pounds out of pocket.

She most certainly wouldn't want you and your DW linked to any financial scamming that her daughter has taken part in. Paying the bill will put you into the middle of this mess.

Your wife is grieving her grandmother. She'll be thinking about the fact her Gran would be mortified if a bill was unpaid, but Gran isn't mortified because she's not here.

It comes down to quite a simple choice, although it won't seem like it at such a terrible time. What would Gran want you to do - bail out her daughter or make sure she doesn't get to rip off your DW and DS as well as her?

If you don't want to call the police then tell your funeral director friend that your MIL has taken control of Gran's financial affairs. They'll know that MIL applied for the funeral grant. Make them aware of the charity money and state to them that there is, you believe, plenty in Gran's estate to fund the funeral. They can then take whatever action they feel necessary.

Do not intermeddle in the estate. Protect your family.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 10/02/2016 05:26

Look, you can save yourself the typing etc whilst your wife is on the phone by going to the police and letting them deal with it all because as hard as this sounds - I do think you are probably enjoying the drama of it all.

Your wife's family sound like a bunch of chancers and I think that right now you might be enjoying being the decent one amongst them, the one those chancers and criminals now expect to pay off the bill.

So you have two choices, you can be that decent person and 'enjoy' the goings on whilst protesting otherwise, or you can say stuff this for a game of soldiers, Ive got better things to be doing, Im not getting involved - Im letting the police sort it out.

The choice is yours.

OzzieFem · 10/02/2016 07:45

GO TO THE POLICE. If you have knowledge of a crime and you do not report it you may be classed as an accessory. Even if the police will not act they will give you advice on what to do and who to contact.

Your DW relatives sound toxic and I would becom NC with all of them. You don't need the added stress these people are currently giving you now, and will continue to give you in the future if you don't. Flowers