AIBU to want to call police on MIL??!!

[paperchase0verdone]

Ok, so this is a long thread so please bare with me! lol
My DW's Gran passed away on November 6th 2015. Funeral was booked for the following week.
Now Gran was the type to always have money, she didn't buy much and was a bit of a money hoarder, well a hoarder all around TBF. So Gran has 4 children. My MIL being one of them and the only girl.
Gran had cancer and other complications so had to spend near off 6 weeks in the hospital. Gran left my MIL her bank card and asked her to pay of Provident for her every week (£50) Gran received DLA and Income Support. So as her bills came out Direct Debit (only had SKY at that time which was £27 a month) Gran came out to find most of her money gone (!) out of her bank but never said anything to my MIL as she was to ill to even worry about that (Gran died a week later at home)
Funeral bill comes through. MIL took £700 out of Gran account to pay deposit on funeral. Left to pay was £2400. Gran's benefits were still getting paid and we presumed MIL would pay it towards funeral. Gran was gifted a £450 cheque from Marie Curie which was delivered AFTER Gran was gone. Again, we thought it would go towards the funeral bill. MIL had applied to the benefits to help pay and they awarded her £1600 towards funeral cost, which left £800.
Now if we take into account the £450 from Marie Curie, that would leave £350. Gran was due her final benefit payment on the 9th November (not sure on the amount) So there's us thinking all paid off! Great.
Oh how wrong was we?!?!
MIL had in fact SPENT the cheque of Marie Curie, has SPENT every penny from Gran's bank account (the benefits still paying in) and the funeral home were giving her FINAL DEMANDS to pay the remaining balance. MIL has admitted to taking money from Gran account, making the account over drawn.
I'm FUMING! So is my DW but not as badly as me. I'm on the boarder of going round there and just kicking off because as Gran's kids WONT pay, I'M NOW HAVING TO PAY THE REST OFF!! Well, I say I but I mean we. But you know what I mean. We have 2 children as well as a Foster Child and spending that amount out is just going to kick us where it hurts.
MIL still has Gran bank cards, wont hand anything over to us because she knows we will see she has been taking money which would have paid this off. AIBU to want to go to the police? DW thinks I shouldn't but isn't this THEFT & FRAUD? Surly so. DW doesn't think it is theft. I said it is because it isn't money MIL is entitled to or deserves.
She spent bloody charity money FGS. Money that could have gone to someone else, someone living, someone who deserves it. Not on bloody handbags (MIL had a new handbag every few days, fags, the whole lot) She was living the life of bloody riley.
So yes, the question is, AIBU about wanting to call the police and see if we can press charges? See if they can shut her bank account off? Get MIL done for fraud? This whole situation is stressing out my DW so badly. Not sleeping, not eating, crying, snappy. Just awful.

MIL did not spend the £1600 as the DWP sent the money straight to the Funeral Director. Which was a PHEW! on our side. Dread to think what would have happened had it been sent to her.

The worst thing is, DW had NOTHING to do with the funeral, which made DW cry (she never cries) DW wasn't even mentioned in the speech. MIL sat at the front, while DW was made to sit at the back!! MIL planned everything, including everything in Gran's flat. From sofa, to chairs to the beds but me and DW had to bloody carry it and cart it to where ever!!!

As for the thieving Uncle, they wouldn't let me call police. He robs from everyone. I told him straight he is to NEVER come to my door (I shut my windows just incase he tries his luck!) DW's whole family are losers. All of them. We have nothing to do with either of them until now, until they cannot will not pay for Gran's funeral.

It is an appalling breach of trust, I'm not surprised your angry. Can all of the family share the cost?

Should benefits not have been informed sooner? (did you MIL actually inform anyone?). My gran died recently and my mum informed all agencies within days and all her benefits and care home fees stopped very quickly after her death. Makes me wonder if your MIL is refusing to hand the bank card over for that reason.

I wouldn't get involved

They all sound like right types and I absolutely wouldn't get involved.

There is no legal requirement for you to pay for the funeral - therefore don't

I never understand it when people try to find a reason to place themselves in a drama not of their own making.
This is your Mil's drama let her ride it out

The DWP have paid for the funeral. If that money was misappropriated then let them and the funeral directors sort it out

Sorry, cross posts while I was typing.

I dont think you have no other choice to report this to the police tbh, MIL is clearly hiding something, and why should you be footing the bill.

Why are you paying the bill?

I know you've said the funeral director is someone you know, but unless you signed for the arrangements then the funeral director can deal with getting payment from your MIL (assuming she was the organiser).

Serious, do not bail your MIL out.

You don't have anything to do with them. Presumably that means you wouldn't give your MIL a gift of £350? That is EXACTLY what you are doing if you pay this bill.

Tell the Funeral Director to take it up with MIL. Do not intermeddle in Gran's estate. Especially as there is a fair chance those benefit payments that were paid may need to be, at least in part, paid back.

Walk away and concentrate on supporting your wife through the loss of her Grandmother and as she tries to deal with the fact that her mother couldn't even be decent to her own dying/dead mother.

Ashes in a poly bag? They are returned in a box. Odd she went to that effort.

Gran got a cash loan from Provident (?!) We have no idea why! When Gran always had money. Wasn't sure when Provident was taken out either. Gran told her BF that there was money in the house to help DW and us travel up to drop of DS to Gran as DS is Gran's only Great Gran Child and Gran doted on the boy! But no money to be found.

We have spoken to the family about helping to pay, but with one in prison and the other one in the wind, it leaves just MIL and Uncle. Uncle wants us to deal with it because he says he cannot do it. He say he will pay us back when we pay it at around £5 a week !!!! fucking joke

I'm angry because it has all been dumped onto our laps. We are having to take over as the funeral needs to be paid. Not sure what MIL signed regarding funeral, all I know is that BF rang benefits and that was that. I presume they would want a D.C but MIL never sent one?
MIL will not hand anything over, so we know there is a battle on that one. I do want to see what she has taken stolen as I'm the one having to pay for the funeral now.

If MIL wont hand anything over, can I go into bank and talk to them if I have Gran Death Cert? Hoping polce don't say it's a Civil Matter. This woman surely needs to be made accountable for her actions.

do not pay the bill. why are you paying the bill? tell mil she has to pay it. she was given the money to do it.

DO NOT PAY THE BILL!!! It is your MIL's shit to dig herself out of. Let her do it, despicable cow.

this is financial abuse of the elderly if she was taking money from an elderly person/relatives account while they were in hospital....you need to inform the police and the benefits office....to carry on using an account of someone who has died is fraud and the account shoould be frozen.....even if she had been given the card and asked to pay some bills it is still abuse to use it for your own purpose.....had all this with a cousin after a death in the family...absolutely disgusting .....report it!

RonaldMcDonald I haven't put myself into any drama, and yes I was living my life, helping the DW through her grief when all of this came to light. This debt has just been dumped onto us through no fault of our own.
We did not push ourselves into this problem, nor create one that wasn't already there. I did not find any bloody reason to put myself into this shitty situation.
I am merely asking for advice on this as this is something I have never dealt with before. As do most people on this site do!

The MIL has given all the responsibility onto Uncle, and now Uncle has pushed it onto us. The remaining bill is £800. I feel like I'm putting £800 back into MIL pocket, letting MIL get away with all of this.

After all of this, I am going to go to the police. I do NOT want to be implicated at all in this, I have to much to lose if they ever came to our door. I have just spoken to DW and she said BF def did notify Benefits of Gran's death but no Death Cert was sent from her as MIL wouldn't hand over the Death Cert.
Which now makes me think MIL is actually receiving money from Benefits.

You will have to bare with me. As this is all new news, DW is on the phone while I'm typing all the pieces are all coming together slowly but surely!!! Sorry it's all so confusing and a bit scatty

HooseRice Gran was cremated and placed in a box, MIL promised Gran she would be put in with MIL's DS who had died when he was younger. He was cremated and has a little urn which had enough room for Gran to be placed next to him. MIL promised over and over to Gran she would be put in with him. As soon as Gran died MIL said 'No fucking way' and put her little box in a CO-OP bag and handed it over saying 'You can deal with this' ! Swear to God that is a true story. This woman is just fucking awful. So now Gran is 800 miles away and DW wanted a bit of her, just to keep close. I found a necklace that you could get so the ashed kind of floated inside the gem. DW can't even get it.

I feel so ill from all of this, I know DW must be going mad from it all, she hasn't spoken much since it all came out. I can see it on her face.

We always wondered whether it had all been paid, but because MIL was saying she was NOK , DW left it. Wish we never now. But nothing we can do now.

We know MIL will NEVER pay for this funeral. Tryst me I'd love to leave it and let Funeral Director chase MIL but DW doesn't want that. She wants to pay it

Your mother in law was vulnerable. I think it should be reported. It goes to show how important it is to have a will no matter what age you are and your state of health but also a lasting power of attorney to help you in your affairs when you are no longer able to manage it for yourself. That's no help to you now though paperchase with this sorry mess on your hands.

DLA shouldn't have continued if she was in hospital for a lengthy period. They will ask for this back, and will pursue NOK. This is all going to come out one way or another - you may as well open the can of worms and try and get MIL to come clean, via police method or straight talking. Either way, it will need sorting out.

everyone will want a deathcert...the bank, benefits office, any person your gran owed money too including the provident, who i suspect from what you say wasnt really for your gran but for the MIL (she 'persuaded' gran to get the loan)....you are doing the right thing by informing the police...to be honest do you think your MIL has been taking grans money for years?....sounds suspicious to me....why would she need a loan living where she was?....the police will definately want to interview your MIL and will get access to all bank accounts and the benefits she recieved....how awful for your poor wife .....also get a death cert yourself and got to the bank and explain the situation to them so they are aware of whats happening...check out Financial Abuse of the Elderly website for more info

1. You can get a copy of the DC, but you will have to pay for it (I think it's £10 per copy, but check)

1. You need to involve the police at this point. Do nothing else until you have done this.

1. Stop speaking to the wider family about anything to do with this. Just... stop. It will be all "he said/she said/he's done/she's done". You won't get anywhere except if you turn silent and let those around you incriminate themselves. They will.

1. Concentrate on helping your DW to overcome her grief instead of all the drama. It's not of your making, so put your efforts where you can really make a difference - in caring for your DW.

1. Forget mumsnet. We're just people putting their two penn'orth in when actually you need to take action on a formal level .

1. Again; stop speaking to the rest of the family and take action instead. You will get much further by doing this.

1. MIL has committed fraud. Distance yourself from it immediately.

OP I was imagining the ashes being transferred directly into the bag (air holes and everything), thanks for explaining.

You need to list everything down and then visit the police who will be happy to advise you.

Good luck.

Why should you and your wife pay? This is your MILs problem not yours. She has spent the money meant for the funeral so why should it be your responsibility to sort it out?
I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the Police. Your wife probably wouldn't like that either.
I just don't see it as your problem. Your wife's Gran will get buried somehow, the authorities don't let people go unburied. The police may well come to your MIL themselves.
So walk away and let your MIL answer for her behaviour. If you don't she may well call on your good nature again and again and again !

Sorry about my reply. I read some of it and then I had a text from someone else and lost the plot.

You need to call the Police and tell them everything,it sounds like she was neglecting your poor Gran as well as stealing from her.

Don't pay the bill,she sorted it all and signed for it all therefore it is her responsability and no one else's.The funeral directors will no doubt be contacted by the Police very soon so they'll know that none of this is in any way your faults.The Police will also contact the benefits offices as well and they'll sort out between them any benefit fraud that your MIL as commited.

Honestly for your wifes and your sake I would cut her out of your lifes.I'm so sorry about your loss it sounds like Gran was very lucky to have your DW and you in her life.

If your MiL organised the funeral she is responsible for paying it - have nothing to do with it, let them deal with it, if they can't pay it is their problem not yours.

I agree with Bessie, do absolutely nothing other than get a copy of DC then go to police and let them deal with it all.

Going to the Police isn't strictly necessary of course and isn't your responsibility (except perhaps on moral grounds, that's all). You could just distance yourselves from this and let events take their course. And they will. Going to the Police yourselves will expedite the situation, but it will escalate anyway over time.

Wow. Stealing from her DYING MOTHER what an absolute twat!
Phone the police - this is shocking.
Regardless of whether you pay the costs to do the right thing your disgusting MIL needs to face criminal charges. Vile woman

I feel the need to reiterate my earlier point on its own...

Stop ALL contact with regard to this matter with anyone except DW and Gran's BF (as she seems to be 'neutral' in this and she has lost her best friend, after all).

Because stopping discussions about this will do you a favour.