AIBU to want to call police on MIL??!!

[paperchase0verdone]

Ok, so this is a long thread so please bare with me! lol
My DW's Gran passed away on November 6th 2015. Funeral was booked for the following week.
Now Gran was the type to always have money, she didn't buy much and was a bit of a money hoarder, well a hoarder all around TBF. So Gran has 4 children. My MIL being one of them and the only girl.
Gran had cancer and other complications so had to spend near off 6 weeks in the hospital. Gran left my MIL her bank card and asked her to pay of Provident for her every week (£50) Gran received DLA and Income Support. So as her bills came out Direct Debit (only had SKY at that time which was £27 a month) Gran came out to find most of her money gone (!) out of her bank but never said anything to my MIL as she was to ill to even worry about that (Gran died a week later at home)
Funeral bill comes through. MIL took £700 out of Gran account to pay deposit on funeral. Left to pay was £2400. Gran's benefits were still getting paid and we presumed MIL would pay it towards funeral. Gran was gifted a £450 cheque from Marie Curie which was delivered AFTER Gran was gone. Again, we thought it would go towards the funeral bill. MIL had applied to the benefits to help pay and they awarded her £1600 towards funeral cost, which left £800.
Now if we take into account the £450 from Marie Curie, that would leave £350. Gran was due her final benefit payment on the 9th November (not sure on the amount) So there's us thinking all paid off! Great.
Oh how wrong was we?!?!
MIL had in fact SPENT the cheque of Marie Curie, has SPENT every penny from Gran's bank account (the benefits still paying in) and the funeral home were giving her FINAL DEMANDS to pay the remaining balance. MIL has admitted to taking money from Gran account, making the account over drawn.
I'm FUMING! So is my DW but not as badly as me. I'm on the boarder of going round there and just kicking off because as Gran's kids WONT pay, I'M NOW HAVING TO PAY THE REST OFF!! Well, I say I but I mean we. But you know what I mean. We have 2 children as well as a Foster Child and spending that amount out is just going to kick us where it hurts.
MIL still has Gran bank cards, wont hand anything over to us because she knows we will see she has been taking money which would have paid this off. AIBU to want to go to the police? DW thinks I shouldn't but isn't this THEFT & FRAUD? Surly so. DW doesn't think it is theft. I said it is because it isn't money MIL is entitled to or deserves.
She spent bloody charity money FGS. Money that could have gone to someone else, someone living, someone who deserves it. Not on bloody handbags (MIL had a new handbag every few days, fags, the whole lot) She was living the life of bloody riley.
So yes, the question is, AIBU about wanting to call the police and see if we can press charges? See if they can shut her bank account off? Get MIL done for fraud? This whole situation is stressing out my DW so badly. Not sleeping, not eating, crying, snappy. Just awful.

Basically you HAVE to be above board and on record with every dealing you have with the authorities (benefits, council, whoever - probate etc)

and in doing so you will be obliged to declare what has happened, in detail, I imagine -

so you cannot NOT incriminate her, without incriminating yourselves by lying.

People will find out. You need to protect yourselves.

in other words I think you have very little choice about involving the police.

There will be no 'final' benefit payments it stops when someone dies and I would be phoning the dwp and Other outstanding things.
You have to. We did it with my nan..

Seems crime and bad behavior runs in the family and your DW has been covering up due a misplaced sense of shame. You need to reassure your DW and tell it has to stop. Call the police.

This has to be reported. The authorities and bank will find out in due course when they get sight of the death certificate. Police, DWP, solicitor, bank... take your pick. Your MIL is in deep shit and deservedly so.

I think it would be virtually impossible to prove that any money taken before your dw's gran's death was not given with permission. Any money taken after her death could be disputed, and any benefits paid in after death would need to be repaid.

What does Mil say about it all?

Regardless of the emotions of all this, it's fraud. Plain and simple. And there are NO mitigating circumstances for claiming benefits after someone is deceased. Unless she had power of attorney prior to death then it's fraud. After death, it's theft from the estate.

Your MIL is in deep - she can't claim the benefits indefinitely and when she does inform them of the death, they will need a death certificate. Can't get out of that one.

I am so pissed about MIL spending the money after Gran died, even more pissed that while Gran was in hospital MIL was helping herself to her money for fags etc but yet I'm fucking raging she took money for a charity and spent that.

We have only just really found out about all of this. MIL took the Final Demand letter from funeral home to DW's Uncle and then he got hold of us because he couldn't pay it.

We called Gran Best Friend and she told us everything. MIL wouldn't hand over any other papers - no bank statements etc. As she knows we would be able to see all payments go out.

MIL has no intention of paying this funeral off. Nor does anyone. Apart from my DW. My DW and Gran has an amazing r/ship that MIL was jealous of. So can understand why DW would want to pay it of, she says Gran would be turning in her grave knowing what was going on.

When my mil died, her bank accounts were frozen immediately. She had a whole load of brand-new clothes she'd recently bought, hanging on the wardrobe doors, with labels intact. We couldn't even return them to have her account credited, as her cards were stopped.

What a dreadful thing to have to deal with, on top of grieving.

The best way she could honour her gran is to get justice for her by making sure that crime doesn't pay.

The lack of will is a red herring. Any money she had should have paid the funeral first and then her husband. If no husband, her kids would share equally.

I just want to check OP, did mil spend the £1600 too? If she has, she's in shit because it's clearly stared that that money MUST be used for the funeral. Fuck it, I'd phone the police. Your wife needs to realise that her children will suffer as a result of that fucker if a mil and I'd make up plain that it could ne duo affecting your relationship anyway if she doesn't wise up ANC do what needs to be done. I'm fucking raging that did used that charity money that was intended for gran. What a selfish cunt.

"I think it would be virtually impossible to prove that any money taken before your dw's gran's death was not given with permission. "

But if it wasn't used to pay Gran's bills for example & maybe a token for the person paying, wouldn't it be deprivation of assets?

If necessary I will have control of Dad's money, but surely that means that I would just pay his bills, buy stuff for him & maybe for example take petrol money for me?

I couldn't just empty the account & use the money as I please, could I?

And of course after death the POA is no longer in force & I would have no right to access the account, it would be part of the estate.

I would pay for the funeral, not the least because I'm pretty your DW would want a nice funeral for her Gran.

I'm at the behaviour of all the children! There isn't one much better than the other is there?

Now a question: having established that your MIL did indeed rob her own mum, what have you done about her son that emptied the appartment? Did you report him to the police?
And yes report her to the Police too.

it must be so hard for your DW to deal with all that on the top of the death of her Gran :(:(

Your MIL sounds like my auntie. She did something very similar a good 6 years ago now, even down to spending it on handbags. I was quite young and my parents dealt with it (I say dealt with it she hid until my dad just let it go) but she left my grans 92 year old sister to get chased for funeral debts. Disgusting. She should have been reported as should your MIL!

I'm in the US, but if UK law is similar to ours you are NOT legally responsible for paying off the funeral unless your signature is on the funeral/burial contract as financially responsible OR you were a signatory on her bank account. What's advised here is that you NOT make any type of payment on a deceased person's outstanding debts to avoid giving the impression that you are willing to pay the debt or consider yourself responsible for them.

Notify the police and give them a list of all the funds she's misused. Let them take it from there. Others are correct in that if the shit hits the fan you don't want to be dragged into it as knowing about the fraud and doing nothing about it. You owe your MiL no loyalty.

MIL says she informed them of Gran's death. MIL was the one who got all copies of Death Certificate and rights to Gran's ashes. (She dumped Gran's ashes in a CO-OP bag and gave them to Gran's sister! Wouldn't allow DW to have them)
MIL will NOT hand over and D.C. to us so we are ringing tomorrow to see whether we can get another one sent out to us (fingers crossed) once I have that I'm calling everyone I know off to cancel everything.
I really want to see Gran's bank statement to see how much MIL stole took from that, because I think it's just diabolical!
MIL isn't forthcoming. She will NOT talk to us about it, denies all knowledge, lies through her teeth about it all and plays on the 'My mum just died, I don't know how to cope, I am severely depressed' Lines.

It's absolutely theft, yes. The money wasn't hers - none of it. She literally stole from her own dying mother, and a charity providing care for people living with and dying from cancer - a charity that is always, always going to have more potential clients than funds to help. Someone capable of that is beneath contempt, and yes, I would involve police.

Ring the police, it's awful that she stole from a dying woman and then she went and stole from a charity too!

You and DW need to go round MIL and sort this shit out. Blimey I can feel your tension through my ipad screen. Why the hell should you pay it.
MIL is getting away with this and someone has to make the first move to sort the thieving cow out. Looks like that is you! If that does not work call the police. Then again they may say its a civil matter.

What benefit did gran get from her £50 provident 0aymet?
Has mil half inched that?
And no, yanbu

That's really disgusting. Your Gran may have given her PIN to your MIL, but stealing the money is theft and abuse of an old person. What she has taken since your Gran died is theft.

My Dad's younger sister and her husband stole loads of money and valuables from my grandparents when they were old and ill. My Auntie would get my Grandad talking downstairs, then her husband would go and search the house for things to take. They also hid things they had shoplifted in my Grandad's shed (we didn't find out till after they had removed and destroyed the items they stole). My Grandad knew they were stealing from him, and used to hide money and things he thought they might steal as best he could, then pass them to my Dad to put in his safe. They also used to pressure my Grandma, who had dementia, to write out cheques for £200-300 for Christmas presents for their son (needless to say, me and my brother and our other 2 cousins did not receive or want hundreds of pounds in gifts from them - they were on state pensions and living in a council house so not exactly rolling in cash!). I believe they also pawned various items, including my Grandma's engagement ring (this was promised to my Dad's older sister), though this did eventually reappear mysteriously after an absence of several months. Another thing they would do was to buy BOGOFs from the supermarket, usually things my Grandad didn't need or like (like veg, when my Dad had grown veg for him in his garden - gardening was my Grandad's hobby, and he took great pride in still eating veg from his garden, or cakes when he was diabetic). They would then tell him they had brought him whatever it was, and make him give them the money for it (though they had it free or discounted).

They were not reported to the police, although I would have loved them to be. This was because my Dad and his other sister did not want to destroy the family, and while my Grandad was alive, he would have been devastated and ashamed if we reported them. How your wife would feel if you reported your MIL is the only concern I would have, otherwise yes, she deserves to be reported. I know how galling it is to have someone act like this, know that they have done it, and have to interact with them knowing they got away with it.

Call her bluff..... all Statements and bills at yours or you phone the police.

I imagine provident is the money lending type not a savings...