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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel tricked and taken advantage of?

508 replies

OohMavis · 09/02/2016 14:28

I'm a cakemaker. Valentines is a busy time of the year, but last week DH's brother asked me to make a cake for his girlfriend, so him being family, I fit him in last minute with a discount, price was agreed last week.

He came to pick it up today but instead of paying me, he's told me to ask DH for the money, because DH borrowed it from him Angry and off he went with his cake.

I had no idea DH owed him money. It was for some tickets to a show they went to together which his brother bought on his card for convenience. DH just forgot about it.

AIBU to feel as though he's basically got a free cake out of me, and feel really bloody annoyed and tricked? I'm not going to be paid for the cake (our finances are completely joint, BIL knows this, it would be utterly pointless for DH to pay me). My time has been wasted. I turned down a paying order for him.

Just so angry!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2016 17:16

I think some people are having trouble with the idea that cancelling a debt of £30 is just as much payment as handing over £30 in cash.
You forgot to add - when there's a debt of £30.
I'm surprised people think there's a difference between
Cancelling a debt of 30 with a produce of the same value
And
Paying 30 and receiving 30.
Net= 0 for both.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 17:17

Which is it op?

IF he still didn't want to pay me, I'd have taken another order.

Am I speaking latin? Confused

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2016 17:18

LeaLeander
The OP is making a huge issue.
People plotting revenge and calling the BIL names are making a huge issue.

Jux · 09/02/2016 17:18

For bookkeeping purposes, and to file accurate tax returns etc, it is important to keep the business' money separate from personal money. Therefore, cake is sold, money goes into cake account, cake account pays 'dividends'/salary to personal account. It doesn't matter that you end up with the same amount, it's the way business and accounting works.

The trouble is that people can very easily get into a habit of saying "never mind what you owe me, I'll have one of Mavis' cakes" and your books quickly become a complete mess.

nattyknitter · 09/02/2016 17:19

You are right to feel aggrieved. Your BIL is a sneaky fucker. Your DH doesn't still owe him a tenner, you forgot to add the twat tax to the cake fee.

If changing the agreement after the fact is fine for him then he won't mind if you do it.

Just make sure you don't do any cakes for him again unless you have the money upfront and no more mates rates.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 17:20

Cannot picture the circumstances under which we would say "Well, you owe me $50 but I owe you $65 so here is the $15" this makes no sense to me. Surely if she tried to give you the $50 for the dog food and you remembered about the $65 you owe her you wouldn't accept her money? If you took $50 off her for repayment of a debt while knowing you owed her more than that, that's not being generous and familial, it's the opposite!

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 17:20

OP, no, you're being perfectly clear. Grape, there's your answer.

Fucking hell, it's just rude and arrogant to basically decide that you'll manage someone else's finances for them, WITHOUT CONSULTING THEM, which is what the BIL did here.

If that isn't clear to people, then, as I said before, I really hope I don't have to come across any of you.

Arkwright · 09/02/2016 17:21

Your DH is who you should be angry with. Owing £40 that he had forgotten to pay back.

bettyberry · 09/02/2016 17:22

ooh I hate it when people do this! to me its clear he wasn't going to pay from the start.

I hate this sort of thing so much so I have a rule that my rates are my rates family or not. I have tax, insurance and materials to cover so I just don't offer discounts to family or I would never earn very much. I hate the idea that just because people are related they should be expected to work for free Angry

Grapejuicerocks how is it a contradiction? In both scenarios she is saying no to using the cake to pay of the debt and in both she is saying to got to DH to sort it out.

flippinada · 09/02/2016 17:22

oohMavis you're not speaking Latin. I feel like I've entered some weird parallel universe as well.

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 17:23

When it makes no difference to her bank account!

There is more to it than just the money; that's the entire point of this thread. Respect, honesty, courtesy and transparency spring to mind.

Nowhere has the OP disputed that her husband owed his BIL the funds, she only takes issue with how the BIL arbitrarily chose to collect via her time and effort instead of getting the cash from his brother. The net effect on their finances has zero to do with the question at hand.

OP, how often does your DH borrow money from his brother and how often does the BIL borrow money from your DH? What are their usual practices for repayment? (I would stop doing either from this day forward, for starters.)

rookiemere · 09/02/2016 17:23

But he didn't refuse to pay you OP.
If he had you'd have been well within your rights not to give him the cake.
Instead he paid for it using credit owed by your DH. He didn't get the cake for free.
The only person who has had something for nothing at this point is your DH.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 17:23

It isn't a huge issue, I'm just annoyed, and wanted some perspective. I'm not trying to make a drama.

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/02/2016 17:23

A rational person's response:

-BIL says DH owes him the amount that OP and he have agreed for the cake.
-OP rings DH as she wasn't aware of this.
-DH says "oh shit, yes, I'd forgotten about that"
-OP says "fair enough, do me a favour and transfer it over to the business account so I can balance the books."
-OP then says to BIL "yep, that's fine but let me know upon ordering if you're not paying cash next time."

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 17:24

IF he still didn't want to pay me, I'd have taken another order.

This only makes sense if you're not expecting to get the money back from your DH....

Lweji · 09/02/2016 17:24

Am I speaking latin?
Gibberish, for all the sense you're making, actually.

It seems to me that you stopped thinking rationally because you didn't like that you were expecting payment and ended up covering for a debt you didn't know existed.

Fine not to like it. He should have been upfront and remind you or mention the debt.
But overall it is still the same. Log it in your books (if you do kep them).

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 17:26

*Fucking hell, it's just rude and arrogant to basically decide that you'll manage someone else's finances for them, WITHOUT CONSULTING THEM, which is what the BIL did here.

If that isn't clear to people, then, as I said before, I really hope I don't have to come across any of you.*

^this x1000.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 17:28

Hmm of course I keep them. What's that supposed to mean?

I've said before that on paper it's nice and neat, but I still feel like I've been shat on. Not sure how having feelings means I'm talking gibberish.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 17:31

Ok, picture the reverse. "My DB and SIL owe me £40 (I know all their finances are joint). They have shown zero intention of paying me back. I now owe £30 to SIL's business. AIBU to insist that they offset the money I owe to the business against the personal debt (it will just be a matter of transferring money from the personal to the business account), or do I need to keep waiting for repayment?"

WhoaCadburys · 09/02/2016 17:33

What? You've only last money if your DH wasn't planning to pay his debts. What difference does it make if you have joint accounts? I have no idea why you are upset.

GruntledOne · 09/02/2016 17:33

He didn't arbitrarily use the OP.

Yes, he did. He decided that, rather than remind his brother about the money, he would force OP to repay without giving her any choice in the matter.

The OP arbitrarily decided that she'd rather not do the cake for BIL if she knew the debt would be paid by the cake instead of in cash. When it makes no difference to her bank account!

But it does make a difference to her bank account, because she would have taken a profit-making order instead and be £30 better off even after taking the debt repayment into account.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/02/2016 17:36

I'd have told him to speak to DH about it. I'd have most certainly taken a paying order instead.

IF he still didn't want to pay me, I'd have taken another order.

I don't think you need Latin to see that isn't quite the same. There was no mention of if he still didn't want to pay me.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 17:37

But it does make a difference to her bank account, because she would have taken a profit-making order instead and be £30 better off even after taking the debt repayment into account.

Only if the OP would have declined mates rates if she knew her BIL had done her DH the favour of loaning him money.

GruntledOne · 09/02/2016 17:38

IF he still didn't want to pay me, I'd have taken another order.

This only makes sense if you're not expecting to get the money back from your DH...

Why? Scenario 1 is OP maybe feeling annoyed but going ahead and making the cake anyway and recovering payment from her DH. Scenario 2 is OP saying no, I'm not keen on you expecting me to do all this work for you for nothing just because you haven't bothered to ask DH for the money. So I'm not going to take your order at all, instead I'm going to take the order from the next person in the queue (who I was otherwise going to turn away to help you out) who will pay me double what you're paying. Off you trot and sort the debt out directly with DH.

Scenario 2 seems to make quite a lot of sense, really.

HortonWho · 09/02/2016 17:38

Are you pissed off because if you knew he'd tell you to take it off what you owe him, you wouldn't do it and your DH wouldn't pay him back? Because you have no reason to be pissed off otherwise.