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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel tricked and taken advantage of?

508 replies

OohMavis · 09/02/2016 14:28

I'm a cakemaker. Valentines is a busy time of the year, but last week DH's brother asked me to make a cake for his girlfriend, so him being family, I fit him in last minute with a discount, price was agreed last week.

He came to pick it up today but instead of paying me, he's told me to ask DH for the money, because DH borrowed it from him Angry and off he went with his cake.

I had no idea DH owed him money. It was for some tickets to a show they went to together which his brother bought on his card for convenience. DH just forgot about it.

AIBU to feel as though he's basically got a free cake out of me, and feel really bloody annoyed and tricked? I'm not going to be paid for the cake (our finances are completely joint, BIL knows this, it would be utterly pointless for DH to pay me). My time has been wasted. I turned down a paying order for him.

Just so angry!

OP posts:
Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 17:40

Sorry Grape, I'll make sure I'm painstakingly clear in future Confused

OP posts:
flippinada · 09/02/2016 17:40

OohMavis you're not talking gibberish and I don't understand why some people are having a go at you or why you would find being taken advantage of in this way would upset you.

fascicle · 09/02/2016 17:41

bettyberry
ooh I hate it when people do this! to me its clear he wasn't going to pay from the start.

You could be talking about either brother, betty.

Strictly speaking, neither brother has paid off their debt as expected, but whilst one is seen as forgetful, the other is underhand, rude etc.

GruntledOne · 09/02/2016 17:41

Only if the OP would have declined mates rates if she knew her BIL had done her DH the favour of loaning him money.

It's not a massive favour in circumstances where her DH has previously loaned him ten times as much for two years. And connecting this with the alleged favour is twisting the argument; the reality is that she is saying she would have declined mates' rates if he had told her he was proposing to get her to repay the debt with her work (at a very busy time of year, remember) rather than just going off and asking her DH for the money.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 09/02/2016 17:42

Yanbu. Because either way, to keep your books straight you are now going to have to pay yourself the missing money to your business account to put it back in your personal account. It's hassle you didn't need.

Your Bil should have been honest about his payment intentions though, because now he's shot himself in the foot for all future cake orders if you were me. He would have to wait until I'd checked whether dh owed him anything and I'd be less inclined to offer a friends and family discount.

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 17:43

He should have been upfront and remind you or mention the debt.
But overall it is still the same.

This is the crux of it. Yes, it is the same overall. I don't think anyone (even those of us who struggle with their numbers Wink) is disputing that. But the real issue is that he should have been upfront and he wasn't. So, basically, it's what you said but the other way round:

'Overall it is still the same. But he should have been upfront and remind you or mention the debt.'

He SHOULD have been open and transparent and had the basic courtesy not to try to manage the OP and her DH's money for them. He may not technically, financially, have pulled a fast one, but morally that's exactly what he did. Anyone who doesn't or won't see that surely has a bit of a problem with basic manners and moral compass.

Log it in your books (if you do kep them). What the fuck is that meant to mean? Hmm

PippaHotamus · 09/02/2016 17:43

I think you've been very unfairly caught in the crossfire here. If this is a normal game your DH and his lovely brother play with each other, then that's their problem (eejits)

But to involve you without your consent is underhand, and wrong and cheeky and immature and just a tiny bit nasty.

I think your DH and his brother need to grow the fuck up, if this is how they normally behave with money.

I'm sorry you got shafted, and you did, no matter about the money, it's the principle. It isn't your war.

rookiemere · 09/02/2016 17:44

This is a parallel universe to me.

So OP would be perfectly happy had BIL gone to next room, taken 30 from his DB and then given it to her to pay for the cake. In fact no it would have been 40 as that's what the ticket cost. So in that scenario OP would in fact be 10 worse off as a family.

This all stems from the fact that OP agreed to do mates rates. Simply do not do them at busy times in future, or if you do stipulate terms- I'll need cash up front to buy the ingrediants.

Simple as.

In future tell your DH to settle up his debts asap. It's highly rude not to pay someone money you owe them for a long period ( regardless of what DB has done in the past).

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 17:45

But in practice she doesn't have to ask DH for the money because they have a joint account. She only has to transfer money from the joint personal to business account. She is not repaying a cash debt with work, she's repaying a cash debt by setting it off against another cash debt. She's not losing anything - she offered the rate knowing it was a busy time of year. And the fact that they have lent BIL money before doesn't meant that he can't expect to get money he's lent them back.

flippinada · 09/02/2016 17:46

Lea I agree. I'm genuinely baffled by the unpleasantness being shown to OP on this thread. Her BIL hasn't behaved well yet because she's upset about it somehow she's the one in the wrong. How the hell does that work?

Presumably none of these people would mind at all if their employer just decided to, I don't know, dock part of their salary without telling them in advance?

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 17:48

mello, there's nothing wrong in principle with paying for the cake in this way, but the BIL essentially decided for the OP that that's how it would be paid for.

How the money is paid and the books are balanced is NOT the BIL's decision to make. It's the OP's.

Do you (and the other posters who take this view) understand that? Genuine question.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/02/2016 17:48

OP hasn't had her salary docked Hmm

rookiemere · 09/02/2016 17:50

I agree BIL was a little cheeky to ask , but OP could have politely said no and explained that business accounts and cash accounts are two separate things so she'd rather have the cash.

JohnLuther · 09/02/2016 17:50

Why is it okay for the BIL to decide how the OP will be paid?

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 17:51

I run a business as self employed. I always keep a close eye on much I earn, figures etc...
The money goes onto the account FOR THE BUSINESS.

I something like this had happened, it would mean that my accounts for the week/month would have been down by £30. So yes it would have annoyed me.
I'm running a business and I expect people to be respectful of that by paying me, as they would for any other business too. This sounds like a ery cavalier way of treating what I do, ie telling me it's not that important.

It's not the final calculations about how much she is loosing or not. It's the respect towards her as a business.

diddl · 09/02/2016 17:52

Where would the money to pay BIL for the tickets have come from?

Surely you just take the money from there?

I don't really get why you think it's pointless just because you have a joint account.

If your husband had paid the debt it might have come from the joint account & BIL might have kept hold of it & given the same notes back for the cake today!

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 17:52

Elderly yes she has because that's money that should have been on the business account.
Her businessa count and her personnal account with her DH are two different entities.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/02/2016 17:54

I think implying that the op fiddles her taxes is a really twatty way to win an argument. I thought some posters were better than that

DoJo · 09/02/2016 17:54

OP - does the fact that so many people see this as a purely common sense financial transaction rather than an attempt to 'get one up on you' or 'trick you' make you think that your BIL probably had the same point of view as those who see it as a sensible resolution to an unpaid debt?

Whether you agree or not, given that so many people wouldn't consider it sneaky or underhanded suggests that he probably wasn't trying to pull a fast one or take advantage of you, so hopefully you don't think too badly of him.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 17:54

I've said before that on paper it's nice and neat, but I still feel like I've been shat on. Not sure how having feelings means I'm talking gibberish.

Yes, you don't like it.

But rationally, I hope you can see that you didn't make a cake for nothing. Regardless of how you feel about it.
That's the gibberish part. On one hand you say you did it for nothing and on the other you say if your OH pays you the result is the same. Or you just like the feel of bank notes in your hand? Because otherwise it just doesn't make sense to claim you were not paid.

It would have been different to simply complain about the way BIL was not upfront to start with (even though it might not have been his intention to trick you), but not complain that he got a free cake.

flippinada · 09/02/2016 17:55

Well in effect she has, because cake making is her job and she provided a service on the understanding she would be paid for it - which she wasn't.

She hasn't not provided the cake, or demanded extra money for it. She's upset about the treatment she received, which is entirely understandable.

If you had provided a service for somebody on the agreement that they paid for it and then they just decided not to, wouldn't you be upset and pissed off? I know I would.

ivykaty44 · 09/02/2016 17:55

How is it sneaky or underhand to get money back that you paid out, in good faith of getting back?

Perhaps the sly one is ops dh for not paying money owed promptly

Adeleslostbeehive · 09/02/2016 17:56

Yabu. Presumably you're not only down the money DH owed BIL (fair enough that wouldn've been paid back anyway) but you also paid out for materials and ingredients to make his cake so have repaid him even more?

Grapejuicerocks · 09/02/2016 17:56

AIBU to feel as though he's basically got a free cake out of me, and feel really bloody annoyed and tricked? I'm not going to be paid for the cake (our finances are completely joint, BIL knows this, it would be utterly pointless for DH to pay me). My time has been wasted. I turned down a paying order for him.

This goes a lot further than feeling that bil doesn't respect her business as he should.

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 17:57

I agree, it shows a complete lack of respect for the OP's business. I think some people are confusing a joint account with two different people turning into the same person... Pooling money into a joint account is not the same thing as deciding that the dh's debts should now be covered by his wife's cake business, his dw's time and his dw's effort. It also leaves a sour taste in the mouth to have what you believed was a favour into a debt repayment, so it's crap behaviour whether it is viewed as a business transaction or a kindness thrown back in your face...