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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel tricked and taken advantage of?

508 replies

OohMavis · 09/02/2016 14:28

I'm a cakemaker. Valentines is a busy time of the year, but last week DH's brother asked me to make a cake for his girlfriend, so him being family, I fit him in last minute with a discount, price was agreed last week.

He came to pick it up today but instead of paying me, he's told me to ask DH for the money, because DH borrowed it from him Angry and off he went with his cake.

I had no idea DH owed him money. It was for some tickets to a show they went to together which his brother bought on his card for convenience. DH just forgot about it.

AIBU to feel as though he's basically got a free cake out of me, and feel really bloody annoyed and tricked? I'm not going to be paid for the cake (our finances are completely joint, BIL knows this, it would be utterly pointless for DH to pay me). My time has been wasted. I turned down a paying order for him.

Just so angry!

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/02/2016 16:12

But I'd be annoyed that I'd spent hours of my time effectively and unknowingly paying it off by making a fancy cake (at a small loss financially, and possibly of a future client), when you/your DH could have just nipped to the cashpoint to get the money if BIL had only asked up front!

It would be the same!
The OP would be less that money and in the payment. Net result: no more money in the joint account and her working making the cake.

The small loss and of a client was her choice to risk when she took the BIL's initial order.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 16:13

So if you hadn't have given him discount, would he owe you money?

Yes. I quoted him £30. I'd usually charge £55-£60 for the cake I made him.

OP posts:
Cleensheetsandbedding · 09/02/2016 16:13

YANBU

Ive have similar happen to me. Some people have the cheek of ten arses !

rookiemere · 09/02/2016 16:14

I'm with Lewji - I don't get all the high emotions at all.

  1. OP made a decision to turn down full price customer in order to bake cake at cost price for BIL. No one else's decision but her own.

  2. BIL decided to recall past DH debt in order to avoid making cash payment for car. Note DH is not disputing this past debt.

OP could you not just have said at the time that your business was separate so you preferred to be paid in cash? Or failing that if DH hands the money over to you to put through the business, as all your cash is joint and you're not disputing that he owes BIL money, then it's the same result isn't it Confused?

Or would you prefer that your DH didn't repay BIL what he owed him, which is the only logical conclusion to draw?

Next time I would let friends and family know that at peak holiday periods you can only make cakes at full price. These are your main money making opportunities and it does not make business sense to miss out on them to do someone a favour.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 16:15

Lweji I do understand the logic, it's all neat and tidy on paper but I just feel like he's been dishonest and a bit shit.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 09/02/2016 16:15

Your BIL has played you well.

It would be quite funny if it had been your DH who was the cakemaker - seeing as he was the one who had forgotten the debt.

But it is YOUR time he has wasted not your husband's.

Chalk it up to experience - no more cake favours for family and hopefully your husband is going to make it up to you on Valentine's Day (not with cake).

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 16:15

Even on an interpersonal level, I don't get why the BIL is underhanded. He suggested a means of payment which the OP was within her rights to refuse. Presumably she didn't refuse because it would have been really uncomfortable to demand cash from a family member her DH owed money to in circumstances where she and DH have joint finances. I agree that the DH is the one in the wrong if anyone. I really doubt that the BIL was intending to be sneaky - surely all families set off debts like this all the time (only it's usually the person owing money insisting that they don't take money off the person they owe).

DinosaursRoar · 09/02/2016 16:15

sadly, I guess that needs to be the end of favours for your BIL. While technically he was in the right, he was sneeky getting a favour first of a discount without mentioning it would be paid for by the debt.

LovelyFriend · 09/02/2016 16:15

So your DH just gives you the money and you put it into your cake account - problem solved?

But yes of course BIL should have discussed this with you when you discussed the price of the cake - he was underhand.

3sugarsplease · 09/02/2016 16:18

I agree with you OP, I think what he did was very sly. You could have fulfilled other orders and potentially made more money and then paid him back. What he should have said is "DB owes me X for tickets I purchased could you make my girlfriend a cake and we will call it quits?"

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 16:18

We can't forget the maths (conveniently for those who can't be arsed with the maths) because they mean that the OP wasn't actually out of pocket and didn't actually make less money than she should have. Or make a free cake.

Please, we all can do simple addition and subtraction. The question was not about "Should we reimburse BIL for show tickets?" it was "AIBU to feel tricked?"

No one has advocated for not repaying BIL and of course the DH should have attended to it before then. All of that is beside the point of whether it is OK for the BIL to unilaterally decide he will take out the debt in cake without giving the OP a choice to buy in to the idea.

Again, I wonder how many of you would be squealing if a forgotten debt from the past were taken out of this week's paycheck without any warning. Do you expect the courtesy of communication from your creditors or is it OK for them to snap up your assets by any means, at any time? The OP's time is one of her business assets, and the BIL arbitrarily usurped that time instead of asking in a straightforward manner that the cash he had loaned be repaid. Mingling the two transactions and involving an innocent bystander, the OP, is tasteless and underhanded.

Original poster
OohMavis · 09/02/2016 16:19

I really doubt that the BIL was intending to be sneaky

If he wasn't trying to be sneaky why did he wait until the cake was in his hands to tell me he's not paying me?

I'd have refused the order if he'd told me last week and taken a paying order instead. And told DH to sort it out with his brother.

OP posts:
Rupster · 09/02/2016 16:19

Your BIL was impolite not to mention all the facts at the start. And your husband was impolite to forget he owed him money. And your BIL should have reminded him that he owed him money. And your husband should probably have told you about the money in the first place!

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 09/02/2016 16:20

The thing is I suppose, he has got his £30 back with a £60 cake.......

Even though he would have only paid £30 due to family discounts etc, he has received something back worth £60, for something he paid that was worth £30.

Groovee · 09/02/2016 16:20

Next time charge him full price and make him pay upfront.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 16:21

Ahhh that was a bit sneaky then Mavis! but I still don't think you're being angry at the right person - presumably he thought that your DH wasn't going to pay him back...

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 16:21

I think your DH owes your business the £ because you never would have paid that debt out of your business in the normal course of things, would you? No, it would have come out of the joint account or his account, depending on how you handle your family finances. So your business deserves to be reimbursed.

But at least you learnt to never trust your BiL regarding money or cakes in the future. It was sneaky of him and IMO not worth the loss of your trust or good will. I'd also make it clear to DH that he is either never to loan BiL money or he's to tell you when he has. Do you think there's any possibility that BiL told DH what he planned to do and it either slipped DH's mind or he thought you wouldn't mind the debt being cleared that way?

LovelyFriend · 09/02/2016 16:21

OP YANBU to feel tricked and taken advantage of - clearly you were both.

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 16:22

In my opinion your BIL was very cheeky indeed.

He ordered a cake from a business, that you happen to run. He should have paid the business AND ask the money to his db.

I suspect this is because he doesn't it as a real business (I'm sure he wuold do that if it was a shop for example).

I would be very annoyed too tbh.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 09/02/2016 16:22

I agree it's all neat and tidy on paper and the maths adds up, what would piss me off is BIL waltzing in after the cake was made and telling how it was going to be. The time to offset debts for services is BEFORE the service has been provided not after.

I think he was very disrespectful to you actually. Sometimes it's not about the maths Wink

Lweji · 09/02/2016 16:22

Your BIL may well have assumed you knew about the debt...

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 16:23

I think if someone is planning to get you to repay a debt by making a cake, it is normal practice to discuss this, first... It's not as if cash and a cake are actually the same thing. I wouldn't expect my boss to pay me in cake... If the bil would have been pissed off to be made a random cake when it wasn't convenient for him to be given one instead of being given cash, he shouldn't have just assumed that asking for a cake from a cake business was OK instead of asking for cash repayment, either!! Also, it wasn't the cake business that owed him any money...

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 16:23

I really doubt that the BIL was intending to be sneaky

The OP says they agreed the price in advance, so there was a discussion about pay. That would have been the obvious time for him to say 'Actually, DH owes me some money so what if we set that off the cost of the cake?'

He didn't do so. He deliberately didn't mention the debt owing until the OP had committed her time and effort and the cake was made and in his sticky paws.

Those who think this is OK, I hope I don't have to meet you in either personal or professional circumstances.

Those sneering that some posters can't do maths can take a running jump. It's not about maths; it's about decent behaviour.

Grapejuicerocks · 09/02/2016 16:23

Why underhand?
Ops family owed bil x. X owes ops family y for the cake. Logical to cancel them out. Not sneaky, not underhand. Just the obvious, practical solution. I don't think bil would have given it a second thought. There is no sneakiness involved unless bil got himself a bit of extra discount because the cake cost more than the debt.
Were they exactly the same op? How much debt was there? Was it £30 for the tickets? You say you asked £30 for the cake.

Tabsicle · 09/02/2016 16:25

I'm confused.

You wanted your husband to withdraw £30 from your joint bank account, walk down the road, hand £30 to your BiL, so he can hand £30 to you, which you then pay into your bank account.

Meaning that at the end of the day you have exactly the same amount of money in the family account but with extra walking?

Seems a bit pointless to me.

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