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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone just upped and moved to another area or even country knowing no one?

51 replies

PinanNidan · 09/02/2016 12:26

Our once lovely area is awful. Grew up here. Basically previously a village, now just a through road to the city.

No community, no childcare, no activities, no work, the massive road cut us off. Even if i want to go to town for the gp or shops or whatever it is nearly a tenner on the bus with the kids.

I don't even feel safe at home. One neighbour is a drug addict with mental health problems who has been in prison. The other makes a load of noise but bangs on the ceiling at the slightest thing.

To cap it off I was threated and verbally abused horribly by a stranger near home last week and it has really shaken me.

I am on a low working income but mostly from home so could do that in most places.

A relative has offered to loan me money towards moving to a bigger house here but actually I don't want to be here anymore!
Aibu to want better :(

OP posts:
damncat · 09/02/2016 12:31

Go ahead and move! I moved to Greece and stayed 3 years, France and stayed 13, then began (not deliberately) moving down the southwest peninsula from London to Taunton to Plymouth. Only on my last move, to a small Devon village, did I move with someone. The others, I knew nobody, nor the town.

CoteDAzur · 09/02/2016 12:34

I moved to France knowing nobody. Do it Smile

A lot depends on where exactly you move, so choose the area well.

StringTheory · 09/02/2016 12:35

I moved over 200 miles from home last year and even though it has been difficult for me settle it hasn't been awful. We are financially better off, live in a better area etc. I just miss my friends and family. That's not to say I'm not making new friends now. I just make sure I get out and about and talk to people/get involved in community life.

Sounds to me like a move is a good idea for you.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 12:36

Yes, I moved to NYC knowing no one. Best. Decision. Ever. Stayed 5 years.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 09/02/2016 12:37

Yes, about 6 times! Have lived in 4 counties and 3 countries over the past 10 years. Don't regret any of the moves, weve always found friends and settled in.

barnet · 09/02/2016 12:40

Yes I moved to Norway without knowing anyone. Go for it.

Haggisfish · 09/02/2016 12:42

Yes, I moved to Scotland and back to a different part if England without knowing anyone. Took me about two years in each place to start to feel properly settled and to know people well.

TheToys · 09/02/2016 12:45

Yes, three times. One move to a different city and then two moves to different countries where I knew nobody. I always manage fine, even though I am quite an anxious and worried person.

hefzi · 09/02/2016 12:45

Everywhere I've lived I've moved not knowing anyone in advance - and that includes overseas: just do it!

Xmasbaby11 · 09/02/2016 12:47

In my twenties I lived in 5 different countries. Each time I moved alone not knowing anyone.

I loved it! Now I'm married with dc it would be a more difficult decision.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 09/02/2016 12:48

Yes, Italy. 21 years ago. Still here.

Original poster
PinanNidan · 09/02/2016 12:48

Those who have just upped and moved how did you manage work wise? Did you have a job to go to or take savings and find one when there?

OP posts:
DerelictDaughter · 09/02/2016 12:49

Yes, a few times. You definitely learn that places have their own vibe and some are harder to live in than others. Some towns and villages for example look great, the physical environment is pleasant, yet lack something. Then you move again and you realise that what was lacking was 'a good number of nice people' Grin

So if you're missing a good number of nice people around you, you might not have anything to lose. But if you end up somewhere and it doesn't feel right after a year or so, don't be afraid to try again. You will eventually find a place that feels good.

sayatidaknama · 09/02/2016 12:51

I've done this a lot. The only time it was a disaster was moving to the countryside abroad but that was probably because I am obviously not a rural dweller (and everyone was really weird).

Original poster
PinanNidan · 09/02/2016 12:51

'Some towns and villages for example look great, the physical environment is pleasant, yet lack something. Then you move again and you realise that what was lacking was 'a good number of nice people'

Exactly the problem here!

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 09/02/2016 12:55

I haven't but dp did (although he knew me)

He says it's the best thing he ever did and can't belive he stayed where he grew up for so many years.

The place he grew up was a but of a shithole too but he didn't quite get the stark difference until he moved away.

We have to go back to visit family but can't wait to get back home! His (adult) kids both want to move now too as through visiting dad they have. Found out early what it took their dad until his 30's to find out!

My advice is pick a place you'd think you may like to live and go on holiday/long weekend there to test your thoughts on it.

GreenSand · 09/02/2016 13:02

Yep, three times completely on my own to a new city, because that's where the work was.

Then DH and I moved the kids part way round the world, because that's where his job was. I'm doing a stint as a SAHM for a bit.

If your unhappy where you are, and your job is portable, why not move? Do you have a DP who could look elsewhere for a job, and move there?

AugustRose · 09/02/2016 13:03

We moved 350 miles to the far north of Scotland when DS1 was 5 and I was 5 months pregnant with DD1. DH loved it and I was OK with it at first but DS didn't fit in so after 3 years we moved again.

We moved 350 miles again to Cumbria where we knew only 2 people, this time though I learned to drive and had my own car and we were now only 90 miles from my family which made a big difference. We have been here almost 11 years but I would consider moving again - once you've done it and realised it isn't so daunting it makes you feel much more free.

Gattabianca · 09/02/2016 13:10

I've moved several times to new areas within UK and overseas where I knew no one. It was always fine. I think it's harder to do this when you have kids but it doesn't sound like where you are is a nice place to bring up kids anyway. I would move.

TattyDevine · 09/02/2016 13:14

I moved from Australia to the UK when I was 21 knowing nobody. Arrived on a Wednesday, was working by Friday. Didn't mean to stay forever but married my lovely British husband 2 years later and still here now after 18 years Grin

Headofthehive55 · 09/02/2016 13:22

Yes lots including another continent.

It's fine, takes ages to feel like home sometimes though. The worst bit is I found people interested at first as you were new then they went back to their own friends. Then there was an unpleasant lull until you found good friends.

I recommend growing areas, then you aren't trying to break into established friendship groups and there tends to be a succession of new people who are also looking for friends.

I've moved back to nearly home though now, and wish I could be closer to home. Yes the area I am in now is nicer, but I spend a lot of time travelling to see parents. I wish they were round the corner. That's what I found was most of all important to me. Family. I don't care about the area I live in, just family.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/02/2016 13:33

Yes, though moving for jobs as a young, single person, so the new job gave me lots to do and immediate human contact (of sorts!) but also impinged on my leisure time so making integration into the local community slower. Did it three times. Some places are easier to settle into and find things to do in than others. Very rural places are very hard work.

But, if you can work from anywhere, do it! Why not?

Choose carefully, investigate, listen to people's experiences (a few people, so you're not swayed by one 'outlier' view), visit more than once.

I think children make it easier to integrate in many ways. You'll quickly get into the habit of doing things and seeing the same people with them. The risk with working from home is not getting out enough and not integrating quickly.

steppemum · 09/02/2016 13:57

I have done it several times.
To London
To Indonesia for a couple of years
To Kazakhstan (did go with my dh though)

Go for it!

cornishglos · 09/02/2016 14:19

Yes. 3 times as a young person (to France, Spain and another UK town). It was hard because I was totally alone. No family.
My parents did it with us kids twice. Once to another UK town and once overseas. It made us all much more adaptable and worked out fine. But it can be hard at first. My top tip would be to make an effort to meet people. Do it!

BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 14:19

Hi Op.

I've done this quite a few times, and I have no regrets!

In fact, I would go so far as to say, that I actually feel a bit sorry for people who never leave their home town - life has so much to offer, why limit yourself like this?

When I got married, I moved about 100 miles South, to my Husbands home town. I worked for a big Bank and I arranged a transfer beforehand.

6 months after that, my Husband got a transfer to an Office about 250 miles away, so we both moved - again, I arranged a transfer with work.

We stayed in that town for 12 years, and then he got a transfer to an Office about 300 miles North (Scotland). Again, I got a transfer too.

After being in that Town for about 5 years, me and Husband separated, so I moved just 1.5 miles down the road.

But shortly after that, I met my current DH. He worked in a different town (40 mins North) and he commuted for years. 3 years ago, we decided that his commute was unreasonable, so we sold up and moved to a town 10 mins away from his work. By this time I was self employed and my business could be based anywhere.

So...that's 5 different cities/towns for me, over the past 25 years.

I would most definitely go for it. Life is about exploring, not staying in one place, especially if you don't even like where you are!

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