WWYD - being excluded

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My DP is British born but his family are Asian. All but the Grandmother speak very good or fluent English.

When they are talking to each other or DP, they speak in their language, which excludes me from the conversation. I've repeatedly been upset and cried to DP so he now replies to them in English to remind them to speak it too. It works with some of them, but not all. One family member is a particular problem (the one who is 100% fluent in English, ironically).

I let it pass when I am in their house, but when they visit us, AIBU to be very offended and hurt at being excluded in my own home?

Unfortunately, it is not a language that can be learnt easily, so that is not an option. They speak a dialect of a tonal language so there are no classes etc for me to do. DP teaches me odd bits, but in 5 years, I've picked up about 10 words because it is so difficult. I'm a natural linguist, speaking 3 European ones fairly well, but this one is just beyond me.

I'm also worried about when we have children as I don't want them growing up thinking that it is acceptable to exclude people. I've already told DP that I will insist they speak English when I am there when that day comes. They will speak the 2nd language with their family when I am not around.

Any advice? WWYD?

DP said that previous girlfriends have split up with him because of the problem family member making them feel so uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Really.

Isnt it time your DH stopped their bloody visits - several times a week I am amazed you have lasted as long as you have.

Very very rude and only people who like control are happy when someone is excluded, I have seen the sly smug face on Mils face when DH family get carried away in her language leaving me out.

Op - once a month visits - suck it up, say its rude...tell them its not done, stress this to your dp, but weekly visits?????

No fucking way. No fucking way, say - enough.

cote if op says its impossible for HER why cant you accept that?

Because she says she is a 'natural linguist'.

She sounds discouraged and maybe low on morale on this issue. I would imagine that is why she feels progress is impossible.

My DM 'suffered' this by the SIL's for years and years on family get togethers. She just used to sit listening to them telling stories and sometimes talking about her.

They thought she couldn't understand a word she was saying. DM was very clever - over the years she picked up quite a few words in fact almost everything! One particular day she was listening to them criticising her outfit and saying she was too fat etc etc (this was all out of earshot of the men in the other room) and she stood up and answered them back in English. Followed by repeating to some of bitching they were saying about each other behind their own backs! The looks on their faces were a picture! She then got up and asked to go home.

Nobody has ever spoken out of turn since - at her funeral they all turned up and I revelled in telling them all how fantastic she was for understanding the language for years and years and how she used to relay stories they told to us when we got home.

My thing is -pick up a few words even a sentence or two - 'Hallo, nice to see you' or something similar - let them know you are trying but please don't back down on making them speak how you want to in your own house.

If they don't - just pick up your plate and eat elsewhere - your DH should back you up. It's rude and ignorant.

Good luck!

It would be such a perfect situation for you to learn the language if only you could find someone decent to teach you, otherwise I do think it would be hell to also have your dcs speaking it.

I think if no-one will help you with the language you should refuse to allow your dcs to learn it.

I heard a programme about teaching Chinese (another tonal language) through singing.

Given that you speak other languages but have found no effective way to learn this one, I think you are at an impasse.

His family are being rude to not even at least attempt to translate bits of their conversation for you when in your own home. More so as they don't want you to learn it yourself, they just expect you to sit there and be fine understanding nothing.

I'd just leave the room or go on my phone when they started long conversations. No way could I sit there politely understanding nothing. I would also explain to them why I was leaving the room. I would also so what I could to reduce their visits.

I say this as someone who has learned the (European) language of my DP and his family. I remember all too well though how it feels to sit in the midst of people having a great time talking when you understand nothing. It is soul destroying. I couldn't cope long term. Equally, as an ESL teacher myself, I know that learning an 'easy' language such as English is hard enough for many people. Learning a dialect of a tonal language with no materials or teacher - I can well believe it isn't realistically achievable.

Because she says she is a 'natural linguist'

Yes Cote, so she has an excellent amazing idea of her own skills at learning a language. If she says this one is beyond her I kinda believe her.

Feel free to do so. I'm not the one getting aggressive and saying you can't have your own opinions.

Nobody is getting aggressive Cote. But it dimply isn't as straightforward as saying "oh just crack on and learn the language" is it? If only it were that easy.

Cote - OP stated in her Original Post the following: "They speak a dialect of a tonal language so there are no classes etc for me to do. DP teaches me odd bits, but in 5 years, I've picked up about 10 words because it is so difficult."

So she can't easily find a language program in the way she could for a European language and writing as someone who lived in South East Asia for several years (and I'm also fairly fluent in French and German,) tonal languages are challenging in a very different way.

I don't think this is an enormous problem tbh, all it takes is an small amount of consideration on each side.

The OP has to get used to being left out of conversations if she wants a bilingual child.

You can't raise a bilingual child in an English speaking environment; you'll have to do one-person-one-language which means that everything your DH says to your child will need to be in his native language and you'll want relatives to use that language with him/ her too (or the child will likely grow up understanding the language, but not speaking it so fluently). This is all the more true if it's a tonal language that will require significant exposure while the child is still very young.

OTOH, basic politeness dictates that there are some occasions where foreign language speakers need to be considerate, and meals in other people's houses is one of them.