WWYD - being excluded

[Noisytraffic]

My DP is British born but his family are Asian. All but the Grandmother speak very good or fluent English.

When they are talking to each other or DP, they speak in their language, which excludes me from the conversation. I've repeatedly been upset and cried to DP so he now replies to them in English to remind them to speak it too. It works with some of them, but not all. One family member is a particular problem (the one who is 100% fluent in English, ironically).

I let it pass when I am in their house, but when they visit us, AIBU to be very offended and hurt at being excluded in my own home?

Unfortunately, it is not a language that can be learnt easily, so that is not an option. They speak a dialect of a tonal language so there are no classes etc for me to do. DP teaches me odd bits, but in 5 years, I've picked up about 10 words because it is so difficult. I'm a natural linguist, speaking 3 European ones fairly well, but this one is just beyond me.

I'm also worried about when we have children as I don't want them growing up thinking that it is acceptable to exclude people. I've already told DP that I will insist they speak English when I am there when that day comes. They will speak the 2nd language with their family when I am not around.

Any advice? WWYD?

[LarrytheCucumber]

It is very rude. I have had the same experience with DN. His wife is from Ukrain and they often speak to each other in Russian when other people are there. Their children are bilingual and they are probably talking about mundane things like what time the children need to go to bed, but as DN's wife speaks very good English they could speak English.

[MistressDeeCee]

Me and OH speak different languages. He is fairly fluent in my language now. I am not fluent in his. Why? Because Im lazy about it. Wish Id learned more when I hear he & DPs speak it but they speak my language too. We are both fluent in English but we never speak it at home, doesn't even cross our mind. The DCs do as they like

If you haven't learned more then 5-10 words of your DH's language then its because you haven't made an effort. It really is as simple as that, its not about no classes being available you are with a native speaker much of the time.

You say you want DCs to be bilingual when the times comes but they won't be, because you and DH will be speaking English at home. They may pick some up from other relatives but home is where it matters & even if they did by some miracle become quite fluent you'd still feel excluded wouldn't you? Yet you married a non-British man with a different culture and language from you and seem to expect things to be very "English".

I do see your point on the exclusion thing however, I can't imagine and attitude of "OK Im here now so you must speak my language even though Im not interested in yours". People speak their indigenous language naturally, its a habit thats very hard to break, just like it would be hard for you not to speak English with English speakers if English is your 1st language and there are non-English speakers around. It really is not as simple as just switching.

It doesn't bother me when DHs family are around and they speak their language Im not that focused on it really.

[MistressDeeCee]

*non-British heritage

[wotoodoo]

They probably want to have a laugh and possibly talk about you or discuss a bit of private gossip.

Make a point of saying ENGLISH ONLY when they cross the threshold into your home, or even better, write it on a notice on the door. Even better, text or email them beforehand.

Immediately interrupt them when they lapse, with a 'WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?' 'COULD YOU EXPLAIN?'

[plantsitter]

Start teaching your kids the European languages you know, and speak it with them exclusively when your H's family is around.

I was going to suggest you asked one of them to help you learn, but I see that's not possible. However you do need to get one of them on side and I reckon the rest will follow. Maybe if there's a woman of your age who you can go to the cinema with, to watch films in their native language (subtitled, of course!)?

I'm not suggesting for a second you SHOULD have to do that, but the smiley nicer than necessary approach might be the best here.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It does sound as though one particular family member dislikes you and is excluding you on purpose - but it does also sound as though you have not made much of an effort to learn your DP's native language. You live with the man and he (presumably) loves and respects you - how come you haven't learnt more than a handful of words when you live with a fluent native speaker?

However, I wonder how much your DP likes and benefits from being able to exclude you from conversations. How does he react/do you think he would react if you asked him for help with learning the language - he may not be a 'natural teacher' but surely just little everyday things like telling you the word for 'cup' or 'door' and you repeating them and practising them would help...

[Cacofonix]

OP both my parents spoke different languages and at home we spoke English. I know how you feel - the majority of my relatives can speak perfect English - yet they often reverted back to their mother tongue when at our house. There is only one way to stop this. Tell them. Ok - when in their house I think you have to let it go. But when they are in your house INSIST they speak English. Stop their conversations midflow and loudly say - 'it is extremely rude of you to exclude me from this conversation. Speak English in my house please' and repeat; repeat and repeat. Say it as many times as needed until they get it. They don't realise the impact actually and you need to point it out.

[wotoodoo]

As far as I'm concerned there is NO excuse not making more of an effort to learn your dp's language especially if you have dc as they will learn it naturally and being bilingual is a huge benefit. From the language you learn the culture and the two are important to learn together.

When I was teaching x language I had many students who were multi lingual who found this particular language difficult because they were trying to apply European logic.

Try again op, and keep trying! Practice on your dp everyday, have fun with it and surprise these relatives with your newly found positivity and interest in them and their culture and language instead of whinging at them

[Nanny0gg]

If your (future) children primarily speak English I bet they'll soon change!

But clearly, however fluent they are, the fact that they switch to their own language at work when not with customers, shows that they probably don't 'think' in English easily. So they are being lazy by speaking their own when in your house.

[Quoteunquote]

Long term train your children to be little soys and report back to you, be upfront and ask them to translate what has just been said.

It is rude and it is a way of having power over you, I would be upset,I grew up speaking a few different languages, but was taught it was rude to use them to exclude people.

The funniest one my siblings and I pulled, was when we moved to the states and found if we spoke in a Glaswegian accent fast there wasn't a single person who could understand us, it drove my mother mad, as she couldn't claim we were using a different language .

[EverybodyHatesATourist]

When they do talk to you in English I would reply back in one of the other languages you know, do it to your DH as well. See how they like it.

[2plus1plusL1]

I'm really curious what the language is-please tell us!

[OfaFrenchmind2]

wotoodoo Don't be ridiculous, some languages are a bitch to learn, especially with not common roots and very different pronunciations. I imagine OP has a full life already, and chasing down a teacher for a regional language from the other side of the world is almost impossible.
YANBU Op, they are stupidly rude.

[allegretto]

I think you can insist on English in your home but not in theirs! What are you going to do when you have children? Surely your husband will speak the language with his children?

[allegretto]

BTW my husband's aunt used to do this all the time and it didn't really bother me as she wasn't really saying anything interesting.

[tomatodizzy]

This is a difficult one because I assume they have always spoken to each other in their language. Speaking to each other in English might feel awkward.
On the other hand it is very rude to exclude someone that cannot speak a language. We don't live in the UK and never speak English when we have guests in our house that do not understand (this includes DH's family and the children's school friends) it can make people feel excluded and uncomfortable, even if we find it odd speaking to each other. I have also had many friends visiting from England, including my family. It means that at social gatherings I do need to spend a lot of time translating, especially if there is a joke or someone is telling everyone something interesting. Your DH should at the very least do this for you.

When I first met my DH I didn't speak a word of his language. I took classes, used duolingo and bought a book. That works for holidays or resturant scenarios but it is fairly useless when you are faced with a large group of people all talking at once and using slang or regional dialect. The only way you can really learn a language is to live it, I was only able to really enjoy social situations after I started living and working in his country. So it is an unrealistic expectation for you to learn the language enough to take part in these discussions.
Can you speak one on one with family members, to get to know them better? In social situations there are usually a few conversations going on simultaneously. Strike up conversations in English and forget about the other conversations. If they still ignore you, the problem may not be the language and you might need a long chat with your DH.

[OldFarticus]

OP - no advice but huge sympathy. My MIL lived with us for a while and everything was in Farsi (of which I understand about 20 words). Even the television was constantly tuned to Farsi music channels (and MTV drives me bonkers even in English). I couldn't say anything because my MIL has health problems and was pretty much housebound. It was the in laws' expectation that I would just suck it up that ticked me off and - as a pp said - the feeling of being the "hired help".

It's hard to explain - my Kenyan friend explained that her parents used to speak English rather than Swahili to each other so that the servants could not understand. Maybe it's some sort of folk memory or my own projection that makes me feel belittled by it, but I do.

[winchester1]

Another vote of sympathy and I'm in the local area and immersed in he national language but its bloody hard to learn a very local dialect that has eveolved between a few families / villages over generations esp when there are no lessons in it.

We try and talk all three English, Swedish and the local dialect with those fluent in two translating as much as they can so everyone stays involved. It is hard though when it is just OH local family they flip into the dialect as it is how they grown up talking to each other.
Is there a language that is at least close to their dialect you could learn so you maybe understand a bit more?

I've also explained I'm only speaking English in front of my kids as much as possible as thats the language I expect them to speak to me, and I don't want them to get bad habits from me in Swedish.

[wotoodoo]

Don't forget that women are seen as second class citizens in many cultures including by mils so if you are not treated very well you shouldn't take it personally.

Serve the food, clean up and talk only when you're spoken to.

[CoteDAzur]

I have experience with this on both sides of the fence. When I am with DB & our parents, we speak our native language which DH & DSIL don't speak. (Actually, DSIL has been learning and can now hold a simple conversation. DH has made no effort.)

When we are sitting at the table, we do make an effort to speak in English but our parents are not fluent in it so the conversation inevitably turns to our native language. I think DH & DSIL understand. We translate from time to time, especially if something important or funny was said, but not enough to keep them engaged.

I had something similar when I first moved to France & didn't speak any French. My friends all spoke English with me one-on-one but they would all speak French when out as a group. I didn't understand a thing for months, then understood a little but couldn't speak for some more months. I was more or less fluent in about 6 months, thanks in no small part to this immersion, though.

My two Euro centimes is that it is normal for them to speak their native language when together as a family. You can either try to learn that language at least a little (however hard it is to learn) since presumably you are in this relationship for the long term, or just do your own thing when you are with his family. (My DH reads a lot and takes some very long naps when we visit my family for extended periods of time )

If they see you reading your book or watching a movie while they are visiting your home, they might get the hint and make more of an effort to include you in their conversations.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'm in the same situation, but actually I disagree with you.
Dh has to speak in his second language all the time - work, in our family etc, and we love in England - so when he gets the chance to speak in his first language with his own family, I don't mind at all.
I don't think id much like speaking another language all day, and then not being able to chat to my own mother in my own language.
I have got to know his family in a different way - I spend 121 time with each of them, then it's English all the way. I don't mind at all them speaking Africaans when they're all together.

[Noisytraffic]

Unfortunately, as I've already said earlier, DP doesn't show any interest in helping me learn. Whenever I think I have understood something, I ask if I have heard correctly and 99% of the time they say "no" and laugh. I think they said a word that I recognise, but it turns out that they said the sound but in 1 of the other 8 possible tones, so it is a different word.

DP does spend a lot of time translating, which is hard work for him. I'm aware of this, so quite often, I zone out rather than make work for him. I also spend a lot of time talking to the children of the family in English.

Other than this, I get on with them really well and adore them. So I really don't want a row.

[theycallmemellojello]

Your DP needs to handle this. He needs to let them know that they must include you in conversations. If he won't do this, and make sure it's followed through on, then HE is your problem, and I think you'd have to rethink the relationship. However, I think that you can't expect 100% English - short exchanges in the other language when you're around shouldn't be a problem. It also might show better will if you managed to improve a bit. And perhaps be more proactive about starting conversations and being friendly in English?

[steppemum]

learn his language.

sorry, but it is entirely possible.

dh isn't English, we live in UK, when his family visit we speak his language, when my family visit we speak mine.

It completely changes the communication when you do it in another language. You are asking them ALL to change their relationship so you can understand them.

Yes i get that it is difficult, and yes I get that they are in part doing it deliberately, but 10 words? You need to make more effort.

[Noisytraffic]

Please can I emphasise that I WANT to learn the language but I don't get any encouragement at all! The family won't help me and there is no other way to learn it short of moving to the other side of the world for total immersion! If anyone has any sensible suggestions to help me, I would love to hear them.