WWYD - being excluded

[Noisytraffic]

My DP is British born but his family are Asian. All but the Grandmother speak very good or fluent English.

When they are talking to each other or DP, they speak in their language, which excludes me from the conversation. I've repeatedly been upset and cried to DP so he now replies to them in English to remind them to speak it too. It works with some of them, but not all. One family member is a particular problem (the one who is 100% fluent in English, ironically).

I let it pass when I am in their house, but when they visit us, AIBU to be very offended and hurt at being excluded in my own home?

Unfortunately, it is not a language that can be learnt easily, so that is not an option. They speak a dialect of a tonal language so there are no classes etc for me to do. DP teaches me odd bits, but in 5 years, I've picked up about 10 words because it is so difficult. I'm a natural linguist, speaking 3 European ones fairly well, but this one is just beyond me.

I'm also worried about when we have children as I don't want them growing up thinking that it is acceptable to exclude people. I've already told DP that I will insist they speak English when I am there when that day comes. They will speak the 2nd language with their family when I am not around.

Any advice? WWYD?

I would find seeing his family a few times a week and being excluded by language when they are capable of speaking English very isolating and hurtful too. Their annoyed reaction to being repeatedly reminded to speak English at a dinner table to include me would not be acceptable.

Sorry, but would be a deal breaker for me, and I would not choose to make the situation even more difficult by bringing children into the mix.

Why should she have to learn another language to speak in her own home, in her own country, around her own dinner table, over a meal she has prepared?

She doesn't have to. But when you choose a partner with a different first language, compromises havd to be made on both sides for a nicer life.

But surely it shouldn't be an option to exclude the GM? If it has to be one of you, I would think it should be you. She is old.

But surely it shouldn't be an option to exclude the GM? If it has to be one of you, I would think it should be you. She is old.

Similar here. DP born in UK. His Mum has reasonable English. His Dad lost half his hearing as a teen, and didn't pick up a massive amount of English. They have retired back home to care for the respective parents (DH's Grandparents).
Were here now sob. Tonal language, dialect spoken at home. No books, courses, local speakers other than DH within a 50 mile radius of home, and I'm tone deaf. It's a nightmare to learn. It DS learning the original, not dialect. I'm picking it up with them. But even if I know 1000 words, its not going to help when they keep switching, and wertyu could mean 7 different things depending on tone and context. And politics is a whole different ball game to hello, my name is, what are you called, how are you today?

The language of the house is this dialect. I tune out now, but it drives me up with wall. Today, for example "come on, were going out" where??? "For a walk" OK, is it far "no". Two hours later, with knackered 6 and 4 year olds, I realise they want to do a further loop, and were not even half way? I spat my dummy out. DH also has tears from me on occasion. I don't want to know that the next door neighbours grandmother's nephews brothers pig has had to be taken to the vets. I DO want to know they are planning a full day out tomorrow, and were leaving at 8am!

Were here on " holiday". Whenever people asked where we were going, I got wow, lucky you type responses. The reality is DH and I are sharing a 3/4 double, there is no heating, the shower is dodgy, and the food is great for my waistline. I'm stuck here for 10 days . We can't stay in a hotel - tried that, even I knew Grandma wasn't impressed when that one came out!!!

Noisy. I'd say you have a couple of choices. It sounds like the learn the language has been tried, and unsupported. So, you could either go out, and do other stuff when they come round. Accept you will feel like the hired help when they visit, or demand the family language is English in your house.

I order to support the kids bilingualism (well, tri, but let's not go into schooling) I use the time when DHs family are at ours to achieve stuff, and leave them to it.
My kindle reading, and MN time has been huge this "holiday". I avoid, because I married my husband because I loved him, and everything his multi language upbringing has made him. I want my kids to have a great start in tonal languages (and let's face it, Mandarin must be one of the most powerful tonal languages in the coming world), and to get all those plusses, there are some minuses. I've taken the passive response, but we are separated by flights and time zones. So this is not a daily occourances. Only you can decide if you want to fight or become passive in your response.

And to those saying " Just learn the language" read what Noisy has said. Not common enough to have resources online line, and an extended family who won't help. Tonal language, so precision really matters, and tutor feed back invaluable. How the fuck is she supposed to learn????

Sorry, that's a bit long and ranty.

I have a dh whose family speak another language, frankly your only route to happiness I is chilling right out. A bit like when a group of people are hooked on talking about a TV show you've never seen!

Leave the room and watch TV if you're at room, go to theirs every other time. It's fine to give him family time. Then when you need to be there ask for translations or start your own conversation in English by things like complimenting an outfit or asking about their day. One to one periphery chats are easier than group chat.

Frankly mil an I like not talking! I have also made an effort to learn a tricky language which helps. If your kids can learnt it you can?

... And maybe invite them round less?

Oh and obviously don't be daft and cook for them if you're going out on the piss doing your own thing

YANBU. They are excluding you and your DP really does need to step up and spell it out to them. Otherwisethis is how the rest of your life will be. Are you prepared to be treated like this indefinatly?

Yet you married a non-British man - she didn't. He's British. You sound very judgey mistressDeeDee

Anyway, I had this with my exDP (who speaks fluent English) and his parents (who speak very little English). The difference being that exDP would stop to translate, or ask if I minded if he switched to their language for a bit to explain something and his parents constantly apologised for their poor English (they were LOVELY) so it felt like an entirely different experience because I knew they were trying their best and not being nasty. So I never felt left out. Plus, I did understand about 20% of it - that helps immensely.

I'm not sure what you can do except continually remind them. Or maybe speak to them exclusively in one of your other languages and when they look puzzled say "now you know how I feel!"

BitOutOPractice I said non-British heritage actually.

I wouldn't dream of going into anyone's home and keep reminding them to speak English, because they are in their home speaking their heritage language. Id be interested, and Id learn the language, at least as much of it as I could. Not dismiss it as "too hard to learn".

In this the DH has said he won't bring his DCs up as bi-lingual, OP hasn't bothered to learn the language anyway, so it'll be an English speaking household. Problem solved...do what you like in your own home, when in others you have to suck it up really, or ask whats being said. Better that than crying to your DH away from the situation surely, or complaining that your DCs won't be bilingual when you're not even interested in learning the language yourself added to that if they do learn from their relatives they won't be allowed to speak it at home anyway because their mother doesn't. Add to that a situation of DH only being able allowed to speak his language with his family when not in his wife's presence, which is exactly what would happen. Ridiculous.

There are quite a few people who appear to think English is the most important language in the world, choosing to make a different language and heritage a "thing" instead of at least trying to learn and have fun with learning too, when it would make life a bit nicer. As it is, the superiority gene just has to come to the fore so rather than try to resolve its blown up into a big drama with the goal being to get everyone to speak THEIR language because they couldn't possibly lower themselves to learn the other language.

Still it does give me a laugh back home i(n a very small village) where English speakers will come into shop and speak English to me very-loudly-and-slowly-because-that-means-I-will-definitely-understand-all-they-are-saying. Which, of course, I would even if they spoke at speed and not as if I am a mile away from them. As I bothered to learn English even though I grew up more there, than here.

Mistress Deecee - if you had read all of my posts, you will have noted that my DP and I both agree that we want our children to be bilingual. They will speak English when with me and the 2nd language when with DP's family. Additionally, with accurate reading, you will have noted me saying that I have no issue with them speaking my mother tongue in THEIR home. I merely wish to be included in conversation in MY home. Thirdly, I have repeatedly stated that I have tried EXTENSIVELY to learn the language but my efforts have been laughed at.

for you Thisaintaholiday. We considered moving for me to be immersed in the language but sadly a significant change in family circumstances made it unworkable and I can't be that far from my parents.

Thanks for super advice from so many of you. I really appreciate it.

Don't know if this has been said but get him to repeat everything they say word for word to you in English! In the end he will get so fed up with doing this that he will demand that they speak English

Hi noisy,
It sounds to me like there are one or two manipulative members of the family who are using language as a tool to get at you.
I think you need to have a close look at their behaviour and name it for what it is. Unfortunately your dp is not being very supportive in this process.
Good luck with your ongoing relationship.

Mixed relationships often have extra challenges, and being able to communicate with each other honestly about stuff when it comes up is crucial. If he doesn't take your feelings seriously, you are not going to be happy.

Only on MN would the OP be told to learn the language she has already said is very difficult to learn and we don't even know what it is (she clearly does not want to say as it may out her).

Only on MN

my efforts have been laughed at this bit concerns me a little. I suggest you chat with your DH about this, it can be very harmful. When I first started learning DH's language he teased me when I made mistakes. One day, the straw broke the camels back and I repeated all the English mistakes he makes or had made in the past childish I know but he stood there like a puppy that had been caught with a chewed toilet roll. I told him I was trying, if he wanted to make it work then I needed his support not his ridicule. So either you can be part of his family and be encouraged to learn their language or you are an outside. Ask him which one he wants?

Erm MistressDeeCee you didn't say "non-British heritage" because I C&Ped what you said. You said "Yet you married a non-British man" so you can actually off!

Nobody is saying English is superior. At all. You do a lot of deciding you know what the OP means better than she does don't you? She is quite clearly not the imperialist English supremecist that you have decided she is.

How uncomfortable for you. You say you speak three European languages well, so speak to them in another language they don't understand when they're in your home.

"Only on MN would the OP be told to learn the language she has already said is very difficult to learn"

Not only on MN, at all. Do you know many multicultural marriages where at least one has a difficult language?

You either learn the language to at least a basic level or you don't let it bother you when it's spoken around you & do your own thing. Forcing everyone to speak your language when the family is together is never an option because it is unreasonable (especially when older people with limited language skills are involved) and it can't be sustained for more than a few minutes. People revert to the language they are used to speaking to each other in, especially when this is their native tongue which they don't get to speak with others.

It's not even just family dinners. Your DC start talking in this foreign language with your DH, and you don't understand a thing they are talking about. It's not fun.

OP says that she is a 'natural linguist' who speaks three European languages, so if she puts her mind to it, there is no reason why should not be able to learn it. I know people who have learned Japanese, Korean, and Turkish because their wives/husbands are from these countries. It really isn't impossible.