To ask if anyone has quit their good, highly paid stressful job for a smaller one?

[joanneg36]

I am seriously struggling with the 'having it all' at the moment and interested in others' experiences. Has anyone ever quit their 'brilliant' (on paper) job for work/life balance reasons and how did you manage/what did you do next?

I work four days a week in a senior-ish job. London and well paid but not law/city type money. Husband works too and earns similar. My 'four days', like many people, is in reality 7 days work squeezed into 4 and I am on email all hours. Kids are 5 and 1 and I just feel exhausted and as though I can't go on like this.

We could cope financially with me earning less, we'd have to cut back but it would be sacrifices of the meals out/foreign holidays type rather than not being able to pay bills etc. My bigger fear is about risk to my future earning potential and just general fear of unknown. I don't know how easy it would be to find a 'smaller' more part-time job in my industry but I feel I could at least try....

Interested in all thoughts - feel free to tell me to stop moaning and get on with it!

In a sense yes, in that I'm in my final year of a degree that could offer a very well paid career if I took it in the right direction - one which I was sure I would take at the beginning, - however, after suffering from depression during my degree I know that I can't sacrifice my mental health for the better career options. So I am now definitely going down the less stressful / awfully paid route that will ultimately make me happier (I hope!)

Another way of solving this might be to do 5 days! That way you could have very clear boundaries around start & finish times and completely switch off when not there or be strict about only logging on for x minutes after kids are in bed. I think 4 days is very hard and for me it was 3 days or 5 days as i knew if i did 4 i would have to do the same job in 4 days for 20% less pay! If I hadn't got a new job spec agreed at 3 days i would have gone back to old job 5 days rather than the pressure of doing it all in 4.
Also could the 5th day be from home so you only do 7/8 work hours, no commute.
Then spend the extra money on a nanny/cleaner/ironer/housekeeper (not saying all of these just whatever would really help) so that you can focus as much quality time in eve and weekend on the kids.
The book "I know how she does" it made me think a bit differently about all this, worth a read.

I feel like I've missed the whole of my DD's childhood working in a job I hated and didn't leave soon enough.

Gave up the constant pressure of a full time job with good money and lots of perks for a part time minimum wage, no pressure, come and go as I please job. I sell on the side (AND declare everything to the taxman), through the place I work. I'm self employed and this year have just managed to make as much as I was earning before I left my last job.

The sense of achievement is amazing, my home life is better and I feel a million times better.

To be fair I couldn't have done the early days without financial help from DH, but the mental strain and happiness all round was worth it. Plus the fact I am now saving more than I did as I don't have as much travelling to do.

When I had my kids I was working full time. I only quit work because finding a nanny for 3 pre schoolers was getting harder!
I had 16 years at home with the kids. It was good, but I missed the work environment.
After 16 years it was so hard to return to work. I've ended up in my own business and now I've just started a new one.

If you can do part time and keep a balance in the work place that would be my advice. My kids are in 20s now!

Blody's post reminded me of something.

OP, you seem to be unable to let go and end up working 7 days in 4. Why don't you treat this job as strictly pt. It may go against your pride in your work and fear. As others say, this is the hardest time in your children's lives. Take all the accommodation that your employer offers you and keep work within those 4 days.

It might give you a reputation in the office as uncommitted but this is only temporary. Once your dcs are older and you are ready to work ft, you can just quit, get your slate wiped clean and go to a different employer.

I put all my maternity leave and pt working on one employer and then when I was ready, changed jobs into my shiny new ft persona.

It gets easier. I have 3 DC and I never went part time, at one point I had 3 under 5 and that was hellish. But we all survived and I'm really glad I didn't lean back. I didn't particularly lean in, some of the time (I suppose I started being more serious about the whole career thing after DC2, I was definitely marking time between DC1 and DC2) but I never opted out or downsized. Once the youngest one was about 3 it got much easier emotionally if not logistically - but those sorts of things can always be sorted, really. I'm definitely a work to live person, not a live to work person, but the life I want can't be done on less cash, really (we don't have foreign holidays but actually they might be cheaper than our UK ones, to be honest, and we spend a lot of money - most of our money - on the kids) - and crucially, while my job is stressy often, it's not boring. I would hate to be bored. and I think, had I downsized, that I would be bored working in a lower grade job. I wouldn't be bored if I could jack it in altogether, absolutely not - but that can only happen if we win the lottery and since we don't play the lottery I feel that winning it is unlikely. I just think that having a 1 year old and working any job is really hard, but having older kids and working an interesting job is possibly less hard than having older kids and working a dull job. I may be wrong.

It doesn't necessarily get easier as they get older OP. In fact childcare can get much more challenging , odd though its sounds. My DD2 let herself in every evening in the first year of secondary, which I hated.I think in some ways its easier to work when they are very young ,though possibly physically more demanding . Older children need you when they need you , whereas I think for little ones it doesnt matter so much As long as you are around a reasonable amount of course .Your heart sinks at 11pm when you are just thinking about going off to bed and your teenager corners you in the kitchen for the chat/confiding session they so need... 2 hours later you crawl into bed thinking of that meeting/presentation/ whatever you have to be on the ball for next day...
But I agree, if you can possibly afford it buy in some help.

This could've been written by me, I was in a high flying career, 5 days a week in London, good pay, I didn't need to work at all but for the luxuries I felt I couldn't give up blah blah. In the end I wore myself out. One day I woke up, looked at the time and realised I was never going to get into work on time for the early morning meeting.
I'd never been late through my own fault before and I had to conceal (lie about) my apparent lay in to my boss and work from home, something he was not a fan of...
I absolutely love working, I never experienced the guilt trip of leaving the baby at home while I trotted to work in my brand new clean outfit that was about to stay clean all day rather than be puked/pood on.
So anyway I digress, I found my sleep got less and less, the fancy holidays came and went all paid for upfront no probs but had no effect on me feeling any less stressed. I kept going until one day I just thought, I need a break. So I'm now on that. I quit my job and now I am at home full time relying on husbands income until/if I decide to go back.

I've been off for a month now. I absolutely love the time I get to stay with my daughter, I have kept my nanny on until I decide whether this move is permanent, however, there are a number things that I have found difficult:

1. Not just buying whatever I want without a second thought
2. Not wearing work clothes and trying really hard to maintain a decent appearance without turning into an absolute slob (I'm talking just getting dressed and leaving the house here though!
3. previously was able to never involve my husband in minor financial decisions. Now I tend to make him aware if I'm going to spend more than I probably should. I'm finding this soooo hard. Almost like a daily confession to my husband of what I was really spending my salary on before :-D
4. Constantly worrying I've destroyed my career and what on earth I'm going to say if I re-enter the job market.

Perhaps I will sort myself out. Perhaps not. Either way, just for myself, I love and miss working and all the benefits that go with it, but I knew I could not continue the life I was trying to achieve as it was unrealistic and if I was to give any advice to anyone else it would be, don't get to that point that you can't get up in the morning like I did because perhaps had I scaled back earlier I wouldn't have felt I just had to quit then and there to simply not break down.

Good luck! :-)

I worked for years in a very well paid but very stressful job. I was rocketing up the career ladder, promotion and pay rise every 2 years, excellent bonuses. I was bloody good at it. The high income was amazing but I paid for it with my soul. I was permanently on call and it took over my life. I was starting to get ill from it anyway and fantasised about quitting in a dramatic fashion. Then I was then diagnosed with cancer at 35. Rocked my world. It looked a lot worse than it turned out to be, so the early days were very doom and gloom.

Faced with potential death I sat back and really thought about what was important to me. It wasn't money and stuff. It was people and time.

I tried to work though the diagnosis and early treatment stage as a distraction, but didn't cope well and ended up leaving. I figured out that for all the hard work and extra I did, I was never thanked, thought of as any better, or paid any more than those who did the bare minimum. If anything they just took advantage and put more on me. Life has to be for more than work.

I'm now at the point where I have been looking for work again and wanted what I call a 'little job'. So set hours, no responsibility and no stress. I'm done chasing a career. I've now found something that fits the bill and will be starting part time next month. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to work hard, enjoy my job, but go home and leave the job at work. I don't want it following me home. The pay cut is tremendous. But I deserve the free time. I've worked my cajones off for years. I've missed out on so much over the past few years due to work commitments, so I'm claiming that time back for a while.

In the interest of full disclosure, I do own my home outright, which is a great privelege and gives me options I appreciate others wouldn't necessarily be able to consider. I'm very lucky in that I don't have a lot of outgoings.

I guess you just have to decide if you want to live to work or work to live. If you can afford it, then I would do it.

I did this. Partly because work was always intruding into my time at home and partly because ar work I was either bored or stressed. I took a year out, trIed something different which didn't work out and I am now working in my old field in the public sector. From the point of view of family life it is so much better as u never have to wor past 5. BUT financially it is still a struggle for us. So I may need to find something else.

I figured out that for all the hard work and extra I did, I was never thanked, thought of as any better, or paid any more than those who did the bare minimum.

I think this can be true of any job, well paid or not. You've got to keep work in perspective. You're not irreplaceable, nobody really cares that much about you as a person and they'll see it as your decision to "go the extra mile".

And I agree that generally men seem to be better at working within their set job description and only taking on extra when they are paid extra.

Well put natty. It seems that the thought of their own imminent death really makes people focus on what is really important in life. I wonder how many in your position would have thought that they needed to spend more time at work to earn enough to buy designer clothes and it bags.

Post, completely agree. Hadn't realised how demanding teens were until k grew one of my own. Really draining, erratic and needy. Not always but you never know when so just need to be on tap to support/transport/fund/advise/be a punchbag/feed etc. Older Au pairs can be a good option if they can deal with a teen.

I've been thinking a lot more about this over the last couple of days. I think something that made a big difference to me in terms of ability to quit was (a) the fact that I've never lived up to my income and (b) the luck of being a bit older and therefore in the property market before the late 90s boom.

Because since my mid 20s I've always part owned the business I work in, there's been large periods of time where we've all only taken a small proportion of salaries (enough to get by) on a monthly basis as the easiest and cheapest way to smooth cashflow. As a result, I've always seen a large part of my salary as a bonus in the literal sense, ie not something that can be relied on.

I'm not sure how that translates into a situation where you have a regular paycheck, but I guess if I were considering stepping back, I'd start by trying to 'live down' to the income that I think I might have in the future. If nothing else, it'll help you build up a cushion of savings for the future.

Agree with above post. Lots of comments about the children needing you the most in the younger years however I think perhaps there is an underestimation about how much teenagers need you, despite the impression they give. I once read some research about how young children need quality time from their parents however with teenagers it's about the quantity of time they have from their parents. I'm guessing that's about knowing you're there when they need you.

I don't think most women are motivated by being able to buy designer clothes or it bags when they pursue their career, and I find that view a little derogatory.

I have the pleasure of working with brilliant, talented women every day and their motivation comes from lots of places - wanting to fulfill their potential, wanting to make the world a better place, wanting to lead and inspire their teams, wanting financial security for their families. Frocks and handbags are pretty far down the list.

Yes, also agree that in many ways teens need a parent around more, rather than less, even though a lot of the time they don't actually want to speak to you . . .

I don't think most women are motivated by being able to buy designer clothes or it bags when they pursue their career, and I find that view a little derogatory

While that's probably true, I do think that some people (men and women) would find it hard to give these things up if they decided to take a lower paying job/less hours.

I had a friend who was always moaning about how she couldn't afford to do less hours, and told me I was lucky to be able to afford to work part time. In the meantime, she was always dressed head to toe in designer outfits, had three foreign holidays a year, and drove a new BMW. I buy my clothes at Sainsburys, drive an old Vauxhall, and have a the occasional foreign holiday, but most holidays are camping in a tent.

What she really meant was 'I can't afford to do less hours and still have the life I've become used to'. She genuinely couldn't see that I had been able to cut back on hours because my lifestyle generally isn't as expensive as hers. (I do understand, of course, that some people just don't have the luxury of choice if they want to keep a roof over their heads)

This is a brilliant thread. As someone running a very serious but part time business I would like to network with lots of you.

I do have one success tip to advise. Please take very seriously the idea of living very near your children's school and even more importantly living somewhere where they can eventually access school and all their after school activities on foot or by public transport or failing that as part of a network of lift sharing.

My kids do a lot of activities at 10 and 13 but if I only have one disrupted afterschool evening. This is really important for making a working from home business viable and I think it is often overlooked.

Some of my friends are not doing the work they would like to do because they want to be there when the children get home and I think that is great and good for them. But some of them are not doing the work they want to do because they spend every evening ferrying the children to faraway very specialist activities. I appreciate that those long car trips can have value in themselves but there is just as much value in a young teenager learning to take short train trips, bus trips and walk home up the hill.

It is well worth considering living in a row of terraced houses with a back alley rather than an isolated house. We live in a row of terraces which (combined with having been very lucky in our neighbours) means that we do not need to organize play dates. This means that clients' customers in the USA can get access to me in the evenings if need be.

Of course, having your mum next to would be even better! We didn't manage that.

agree with the view that when small it's physically demanding but really the DC so long as have consistent and good childcare are less demanding emotionally. the tween/teen years much harder and dc need you more .
and if you can get to negotiate less hours then that's when its needed plus 80% of a larger salary (because you've kept working/moving up) is going to be better...

my colleague took six months off unpaid when dc was five, she really enjoyed it, spending the time after school etc. . her ds does not remember that she was there for him then in a way she isnt now due to work! but he does notice more now he is 11. so it was great for her but in long term dc didnt see the difference or remember it as a special time compared tot eh other years with the nanny. so long as you spending nice times with the dc when you not working just being at home with them local parks etc

older dc it's much more likely to be the late night chat etc.

i earn half now what i did a year ago....its been tough but i had to do it before i made myself ill and ended up losing my job completely....all i did was halve my hours, refuse all overtime and any time outside work (on call) any study i need to do regarding my job i do in my contracted hours, not as extra....my manager does 'try it on' by asking me to do things in my own time but i refuse....i got occupational health involved. I may in the future increase my hours..but thats my choice...im so much better now, and coping better with every thing.....you really cannot have it all if your health or even your children are going to suffer!

i moved from exciting but irregular shift to more mundane 9-5.30 work when youngest was born, turned out to be fortuitous due to his SN, needing the benefits of work health cover etcetcetc.. i moved to 80% for several years when separated form exp and needed to be able to pick up from after school clubs etc.

now gone back to 100 % (dc 19, 15, 13) but find they do demand a lot. i now finally have one evening out per week at a choir and they not impressed.

I used to have a very high powered job but have always put the needs of my dc first. I used to have au pairs but then when they became school age I did not want anyone else driving them around.

I have changed careers now they are older and am self employed doing my hobby turned dream job. As I am good at it it's majorly improved our finances and I choose the hours to fit round the children.

Living near good, state schools has helped enormously. Dh's friend lamented that all their income went on school fees for their dc and had none left over for things like skiing, riding or travel.

It depends on your priorities op: but your emotional health should be no.1 alongside that of your dh's. Happiness and work/life balance will follow naturally from that.

Perhaps the mistake was working the 4 days a week - you can become everyone's drudge then and in a relationship at home your career becomes the pin money job. I always worked full time and the hardest stage of all was when we both did and had 3 children under 4 (briefly) and then under 5. However it got much better and it has so so so much paid off that I kept working full time. Now the youngest (of 5 will leave school soon) we seem utterly blessed that I worked full time.

So try to get that extra day back at work and use the extra pay to pay for even more cleaning help at home.

i did though when the then youngest were at school set up my own firm. That meant my income increased many times - Always own if you can rather than being someone's PAYE slave. Plenty of women leave an employer, found teir own business and make their fortune. Leavnig the job doesn't mean you have to halve your income, quite the contrary for plenty of us. The sky becomes the limit them (unless you're mining in space - a current plan of some).

This thread made me think of an article I read the other day in Harvard business review. To sum up, researchers found that men who 'pretended' to work 60 hours were equally rewarded by their employers as colleagues who actually did. On the other hand, men who were upfront about taking time of for family commitments were penalised, just like women were.

hbr.org/2015/04/why-some-men-pretend-to-work-80-hour-weeks

What's the point in being a loyal, hard-working employee when employers just rate you on the basis of how busy you look? Such bullshit.