To ask if anyone has quit their good, highly paid stressful job for a smaller one?

[joanneg36]

I am seriously struggling with the 'having it all' at the moment and interested in others' experiences. Has anyone ever quit their 'brilliant' (on paper) job for work/life balance reasons and how did you manage/what did you do next?

I work four days a week in a senior-ish job. London and well paid but not law/city type money. Husband works too and earns similar. My 'four days', like many people, is in reality 7 days work squeezed into 4 and I am on email all hours. Kids are 5 and 1 and I just feel exhausted and as though I can't go on like this.

We could cope financially with me earning less, we'd have to cut back but it would be sacrifices of the meals out/foreign holidays type rather than not being able to pay bills etc. My bigger fear is about risk to my future earning potential and just general fear of unknown. I don't know how easy it would be to find a 'smaller' more part-time job in my industry but I feel I could at least try....

Interested in all thoughts - feel free to tell me to stop moaning and get on with it!

This little story struck a cord with me at the time...

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. “You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman. “You should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions. “You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, “And what do you think I’m doing right now?”

stumblymonkey, interesting as that story is people do enjoy their jobs and take satisfaction from it. Not everyone sees sitting on a beach as the crowning glory of their achievement.

Heard that story before, it's a good one. But isn't the point that the rich businessman would just end up in the same situation as the fisherman, just from a different perspective? And after a life time of hard work/stress and daily compromises?

So, put simplistically, we work really hard, long hours, stressed out for potentially good money (not always though!) in order to be able to buy the privilege to sit on that same beach as the fisherman. Or we can go for the low-level, simpler job/lifestyle in the first place which doesn't afford the holidays but enables daily access to the peace/beauty/landscape/simplicity which we can only get by paying££££ once a year on our hols.

Sadly I think we're too greedy and competitive as a species to see this reality though, I know I probably am. It's a mug's game, but most of us are trapped in it.

stacking shelves overnight in tesco is not sitting on the beach watching a beautiful sunset.

not all 'smaller jobs' are fulfilling and interesting and stimulating.

it's great if you can jack in a 'big' job and follow your dream to be a gardener or whatever but the reality is that most 'local' part-time non-demanding jobs are frankly awful.

But I suppose in theory one could get a Tesco shelf-stacking job in a beautiful seaside town.. Agree though that many/most low level jobs are unstimulating.

Blueshoes...of course some people enjoy their jobs.

I didn't post the story to suggest that everyone would be better off being a fisherman on a beach!

I thoroughly enjoy my City job but I enjoy my life much, much more since I started doing it 9am-6pm instead of 8am-10pm.

For me the learning from the story was to remember that working all hours for perceived success and more money isn't all you think it is and there's much more to be enjoyed in life that you tend to forget once you're swept up in the materialistic City hamster wheel.

Wow beta dad . That was a lot of responsibility
No wonder you gave it up

Some employers seem to want your soul as well!

I work 4 days a week. I don't answer emails on my non working day. My out of office message does tell people they can call me if urgent but it is clear that I won't be reading emails. Guess what? Nobody has ever called me. I do actually scan the blackberry twice a day but nobody knows this.

However my job was only ever a 4 day job. The organisation never had the budget to pay someone to do it full time and the role did not exist before I was doing it. Therefore I have never had the problem of reducing people's expectations along with my hours as I was not trying to do the same job in fewer hours. I can see how that would require some very clear boundaries to be set from the outset.

Fascinating what a pp said about men never replying on their non working days and women always replying. I see the same thing again and again in appraisals- men talk themselves up and women self-deprecate. We literally need to man up .

(One small caveat though- for a man to have made a decision to work reduced hours he's probably already a bit of a "don't care what people think" character. I bet a lot of people pleasing , fear-ridden full time men answer emails in evenings and on weekends)

I was curious to see who the magic circle of law firms were.

I'd never heard of any of them. Interesting that.

I don't disagree with what's been said but I don't think it's quite a binary decision choosing work or not work. Sometimes working hard for little reward is investment in your own future.

I love my job. I do feel I make a difference and I work with so many great people. It really enriches my life. I have no desire to retire, laze on beaches or achieve more of a "balance" than I already have. The money I earn allows me to be generous to my family.

I'm only in this position because 25 years ago I was a wage slave who worked long hours for not a lot of money. I had no option but to go to work. I was a SAHM with a newborn and a two year old when my XH left - shocking everyone including me because everyone thought we were rock solid- and if I didn't earn I would be homeless. (He "let" me keep the house with negative equity and no means to pay the mortgage).

It was a tough few years, but it meant that when my kids were a bit older (when I think they really do need you) I was able to negotiate working from home and could take time off without any worries. This became even more important in teen years.

I had no long term career plan - it was simply survival. Looking back, it has worked out well for me. So many of my friends didn't work in the early years - and are now working unhappily in jobs way below their abilities.

I don't think there are any absolute rules. People have to work out what's right for them. I'd suggest they have to think long term about the consequences of decisions.

Dowser if you are interested there is also "silver circle", "regional heavyweight" and "white shoe", among others... We like our plaudits in law

Dowser re Magic Circle law firms, not really surprising you hadn't heard of any. They make huge amounts of money selling their services to banks and corporates who pay millions in fees for takeovers and mergers and stock exchange floats. They don't need to market to the general public.

Out of interest, what law firms had you heard of?

stumbly- I have also heard that story and it always struck a chord with me. I think's probably one of those that has different meanings for different readers. For me the point is to really think about what you are doing and what you're getting out of it. If what you are doing doesn't make you happy is there a good enough reason for doing it.

This story really resonated with me when I was working very long hours in a very stressful job. There was constant pressure (admittedly mainly from myself) to constantly do more, do it quicker, take on extra tasks etc in order to get promotions. My 'beach' was the idea of eventually earning enough to afford to work part time and have more time with my DC. The catch was that the more I earned the harder it was to envisage actually making part time hours work (I knew lots of people who tried and struggled) as the expectation was that I would be available to work weekends, evenings, work from when I was at home etc. So rather than being able to have more time with DC all I could see in my future was more time at work, DC in child care for longer, work calls etc when I was with DC, unhappy parent, unhappy DC. Until retirement when DC would probably have long since left home and have little time for mum (who they barely know anyway- isn't she that one who took them on holiday sometimes and shouted at them a lot?).

As you may have guessed from the past tense, after lots of upset and worry I took the plunge a while ago and got off the hamster wheel. I now have far less money and can't spend huge amounts of money on 'stuff' for DC, meals out all the time, expensive days out/holidays etc. However, I can collect DC from school, help them with homework, give them a (non stressed and actually listening) shoulder to cry on when they've had a bad day, and generally enjoy time with them.

I know some people love their work and are better at finding a work/life balance that I was. I wouldn't ever generalise and say high pressure, high paid work is a bad thing for a parent to do. But it did not make me happy. I wish I had had the courage stop earlier. My advice to anyone feeling as I did is that you can change your lifestyle, it will need support from the whole family and some people will think you've lost your mind. But for now I'm enjoying my 'beach' and so are DC.

Can I just say that I work 4 days a week, I'm paid for 4 days and I never work on my non working day. I'm paid well for it too. It can happen!

I haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm repeating PPs. I'm in a senior role in London with 1 hour 20 minute commute each way. I'd love to work much closer to home and part-time and would willingly take a lower paid job to achieve this. The roles that meet my criteria that I've applied for, I've been rejected from. The feedback has included that 'you'd be bored'. Unless you're prepared to give up work totally, it might not be that easy to take a step down the career ladder.

Can I also say how nice to have a woth thread without a scrap on it!

I went part time in the management consultancy firm I was working and I was simply expected to do all my normal tasks/objectives/deliverables in three days instead of 5. I was asked to carry out telephone interviews during my days off, I took calls and emails during holidays, worked still 50 hours a week and as paid for three days. It was crap to be honest.

Some people/roles/industries translate well when people have a family to look after but mine wasn't. I was expected to travel (a lot) when DSs was under 1, not just in this country but also abroad (one project was in Brazil). So I left, and I now have my own business working the hours I want to work and spending lots of time with my kids, now aged 8 and 10. I love it, but my salary went from £72 k a year to just over £20. Luckily I had investments, properties and a pension so I don't have to worry too much about that now.

If you are going to do it then get a job first. Don't assume lower paid, "easier" jobs will be easy for you to walk into just because you are a high earner now.

Don't assume that employers won't see you coming as "I am making a lifestyle choice here" either.

I'd agree that seniority gives you extra flexibility. No-one is checking what time I arrive and leave at [though I am sure if I took the piss it would be noted eventually]. I can book a day to wfh if there is a school event and make up the time later etc etc.

DH and I are similar to you in that our salaries are broadly the same so there is no clear person to take that step back. My job lends itself towards it more than his but he would be the far better SAHP. So we continue on the hamster wheel while we figure out the next step.

There is some great advice on this thread. I have been in this situation and wanted to jack it all in for what I perceived would be an easier life. Here is my view, FWIW.

These next couple of years are probably the hardest it is going to be for you - 5 and 1 when you are working long hours is tough. I would suggest a combination of things that other people have suggested.

Firstly, drop another day if you can and go down to 3 days a week. I worked these hours until my youngest started primary school and except on some very rare occasions (I worked in a client facing role), I managed to stick to only working 3 days. Work respected this. Also, when you go back to work full time (if you want to of course), work at home a day or 2 a week. Not having to do the commute is a stress reliever!

Secondly, stick to normal working hours in the office. Unfortunately the reality is that bosses don't care that you are working long hours and not seeing your kids, they just think - great, she's working 50+ hours and I'm only paying her for 28! The more you work these hours, the more it becomes the norm for them. I would open a dialogue with your boss and explain that you can't work these hours any longer and you are overworked. If they don't take this seriously and deadlines start slipping because you start going home at a normal time, they'll start to take notice.

As said above, you may find you get an average grading in your next appraisal but what a small price to pay for extra time to yourself and with the family.

Good luck with whatever you do!

I think the real issue is we don't really know - and can't know - the future consequences of our actions. We don't even know if we will look back and wish we were a person who found sitting on a beach the crowning glory of our achievement, or if we will be sitting on a beach wishing we had worked more.

Life post-digital revolution is evolving very quickly and we really have very little idea what work will even look like in twenty years so planning for all eventualities is very likely beyond our bandwidth.

It also isn't particularly difficult for people who are educated and with a solid professional background to take time out and be a bit strategic about their lean out - continuing with some related work, doing some upskilling or building a portfolio of augmentative or additional skills. I have met many professionals who have taken many years 'off' and, because they used their time wisely forged very interesting and fulfilling careers or returned and quickly progressed to reasonably senior positions. An example was a someone who became a volunteer co ordinator for a pilot of evidence based community health initiative the year her youngest started school, then, using her previous related-but-not-perfectly-matched qualifications, got a grant to evaluate it on a academic programme. Then, when the local authority was an early adopter at the end of her postgrad, she stepped seamlessly back into work. All of my senior NHS managers had taken 5-8 years off around their children.

I think it is also worthwhile considering that the very little available evidence we have on lifelong health and wellbeing suggests that the strength of your relationships and engagement with your chosen communities (local, work-related, familial) will determine if you have a good life in the long run. For some, work can bring community and doesn't interfere much with engagement in access to leisure and family. For others, work is pretty soulless and eats up all available time for other valued domains of living. You can slog through for a long term benefit if there is some balance but not if you are working in a cut-throat driven environment you can't stand and feel under constant threat in.

Probably the personal injury lawyers, Pannones,slater and Gordon, Irvin Mitchell, stewartslaw, Hugh James , shoo smiths, mishcon de Reya.

I'm finding this thread very interesting.

Im fortunate that I'm not in your position Op but I do empathise with you and every other stressed mum and dad who feels like they never get to do what they really want to do...just what they have to do.

I applaud the family who are going to live abroad for a year. Sounds very brave and adventurous...and hopefully soul replenishing. I hope it goes really well and you create a blog to tell us all about it.

fusionconfusion -awesome post

I worked various combinations of part time for 6 years whilst my two were small.
Went back FT when the youngest was about 2.5. That was 8 years ago.
Progressed steadily in my career since going back FT though admittedly was treading water during the 6 years of PT. However I was very clear that my PT hours were just that and did not pick up email etc on my non-work days, but I was flexible around which days I went in, around client mtgs etc. I was happy to tread water in my career whilst my kids were small.
I was able to dictate all of this due to the level I had got to before I took my mat leave. Private sector multi-national professional environment, major city but not London.
I found going back at all after DC1 very hard - it was when stat mat leave was only 16 weeks - and almost jacked it in altogether but glad I kept going for both my own wellbeing and the financial security, incl pension, my career brings for the entire family.
HTH

It's very much down to your personal circumstances, your needs and your children's needs OP.

I made the decision to take a few steps down the ladder and also work part time when DD1 was born based on personal experience. I grew up with parents that worked full time. My memories of my mum are that she was often stressed trying to do everything and she was always so so tired. As I got older we were latch key kids and I really just longed for my my mum to be there when I got back from school just like some of my friends mums were. As I got older I think needed them around more than ever.

Dont get me wrong, I had a great childhood with loving parents. I appreciate that they worked really hard to provide for us and they were in no way career types. They worked full time mostly because they had to but also so we could have extras like holidays and nice clothes. I don't really remember much about the holidays or nice clothes but I do remember coming home to an empty house.

I made a decision to step back based on my experience. I find working less is a good compromise for me and our family. I'm in no way a mummy martyr, I have suffered financially and career wise but I am hopeful that I can rebuild this when they are a bit older.