To think you can't seriously expect people to take annual leave to attend a hen do (sorry!)?

[pasturesgreen]

Apologies for another hen do thread!

Friend is getting married in the summer. Apparently, a grand total of three (!) hen dos are being organized for her.

The 'main' one, for close friends (myself included), is abroad, involves a four-night stay away and, because of dates/flights, would require taking 3 days annual leave.

Then there's a Friday afternoon/evening in a popular seaside town which is 2 hours away from where we all live and, again, would probably require a day off if one wants to make the 12pm starting time.

Finally, there's a whole day spa thing. This is local, but it'll be on a Monday, as it's the more convenient day for the bride.

I work full time in a corporate job. I'm not always able to accurately predict what time I'll finish work, plus all three hen dos are at a time of year that's usually pretty busy work-wise, and AL might not be granted anyway. Therefore I informed the matron of honour, who is organizing everything and is an old friend, that I definitely won't be able to make the trip abroad. I promised to do my best about the other two events, and I think I might be able to attend the Friday evening do and pop in for part of the spa thing, but I'll have to see if I can get annual leave.

I'm already taking a day's AL to attend the actual wedding, which is on a weekday. Matron of honour is now massively pissed off with me, saying I'll be letting the bride down if I don't go on all three events. Background: bride is an old schoolfriend and we used to be very close, but we've drifted apart somewhat over the years.

So AIBU to think AL should be used for your own holidays, to places you actually want to go to, and not to attend hen dos?

It's common in universities and some areas of the civil service.

Fuck that shit. YANBU, definitely not.

It's all very well and good but 3 hen do's, plus a wedding - who the hell thinks they are that important in this day and age to warrant full participation in that? For £1300? Jesus christ, is this the society we live in?

If we ever do get married, I genuinely don't care what I do, and would be entirely happy with ALL my friends, including my fiancée, going down the pub and having a laugh like we do every so often. I really see no merit in "celebrating" something that requires me to (potentially) inconvenience other people into feeling they have to attend because it's a bloody tradition. If I was 21 again, probably wouldn't be an issue. But we're all in our 30's, tired and stressed, with kids (or stepkids) and I get 25 AL with bank holidays and christmas break, and I don't think there is anybody other than my fiancée and children that would persuade me to part with that sum of cash for THREE hen do's - not even my closest friends or family .

I think it's horribly entitled of someone to presume friendship equates to crippling yourself in order to 'not let someone down'.

YANBU
If she wants 3 hen do's good luck to her. It is beyond selfish to expect anyone to use so much of their AL and money for this. If she is a true friend she will understand that this is a big ask and be grateful for whatever you feel you can do.

Gosh and I get irritated with hen weekends that go over a bank holiday.

It's quite extraordinary the way some people behave around the whole subject of weddings nowadays.

Bring back the times where hen dos etc didn't exist and you got married then over to the local pub for a few hours job done and maybe a disco somewhere !!

I would avoid the hen things unless there is one you would like to go to and attend the wedding end of. I wouldn't respond or reply,to any nonsense about letting the bride down etc.

I think it's horribly entitled of someone to presume friendship equates to crippling yourself in order to 'not let someone down' In a nutshell.

NHS, local authorities etc give 33 days for those with over 10 years service.

comingintomyown youve just described a soap wedding

I think it's shocking that there seems to be a trend to pay for the bride. Words fail me.

And the dual wedding present, don't forget. Separate present for the bride...

Let's stop this codology in it's tracks before it becomes a "thing", please.

I'm of the mind that the wedding reception/ breakfast/ cocktail open house is more than plenty. No desire to spend time and money on ancillary events and no qualms about declining.

OP

I might be generalising, but how much of these three hen do's (and wedding) is going to be plastered all of Facebook and Instagram?

The whole thing is utterly ridiculous and smacks of narcissistic attention-seeking.

I think sometimes people plan mammoth dos when they are planning to vanish into their marriage and not go out with friends at all any more.

which makes it even more unfair on the friends who have allocated time and money...!

I didn't know about a separate bride gift.

So that means the bride is getting three free hen dos, paid for guests, a bridal present, paid for by guests, a wedding present, paid for by guests and a wedding that guests will have to pay to attend (travel/hotel).

I tell you what the bride won't be getting much of when she is married, and that's friendship.

3 is insane

2 is ok if one abroad and one at home for those who cant go/afford abroad/weekend away

tho needs to be ideally on a weekend so no one has to take al for home one

tho the bride can pay for herself - i did for my hen do, had weekend away 2hrs drive and nice spa/meal/club - think was £150 plus drinking money

paying £1300 for friends wedding is madness

I'm quite happy to take annual leave for a hen do abroad. However having three hen dos that all will cost a fair amount and expecting people to take annual leave for all as they are normal work days is unreasonable and having three hen dos is excessive and unreasonable. yanbu.

Many mumsnetters will deny that, but it has been shown umpteen times that is the case.

For the record, we had a small, low profile wedding and a cheap honeymoon, and are still happily married nearly 35 years later.

Crikey, I spent less than £1300 on the whole wedding! However horses for courses and all that - we wanted a small wedding, but if someone wants to spend £££ and have a big bash then that's their choice.

However this whole hen night abroad, followed by several smaller UK events is getting out of hand. Ditto bride's presents - I bet my shiny pound that there will also be an element of subbing the bride's costs on the hen do, because that seems to be a thing now.

Just. Say. No.

If she is a true friend, then she won't want her hen-do attendees worrying about the cost and trying to juggle annual leave to get there, so I would speak to her directly (and cut out the clearly bat-shit MOH). If Bride has a hissy fit then you know exactly how valuable your friendship is and you can react accordingly. In your shoes I'd be wishing her every happiness etc., but 'regretfully' declining all invites to the hen do (x3) and wedding. For £1300 you could go and have a wonderful holiday of your own and sit back and wait for the divorce to be announced

YANBU! I thought it was over the top being invited to two hen nights for one bride this Summer - a weekend in Liverpool and a weekend in "Marbs", as the bride refers to it - but three?? I'm not doing either of the ones this bride's having. It's always all about her, whatever the occasion, so I dread to think what the hen nights and wedding will be like. She'd been engaged for less than 24 hours when the Facebook hen nights group had been set up and that was back in 2013.

Just decline, and say you'll try to make it next time she gets married

I wonder if the MOH is so snippy because you're not the only one not going, and that whole hen extravaganza is falling apart! Judging by the near universal condemnation of this madness, i wouldn't be surprised!

I thought that as well Flashbang