To think you can't seriously expect people to take annual leave to attend a hen do (sorry!)?

[pasturesgreen]

Apologies for another hen do thread!

Friend is getting married in the summer. Apparently, a grand total of three (!) hen dos are being organized for her.

The 'main' one, for close friends (myself included), is abroad, involves a four-night stay away and, because of dates/flights, would require taking 3 days annual leave.

Then there's a Friday afternoon/evening in a popular seaside town which is 2 hours away from where we all live and, again, would probably require a day off if one wants to make the 12pm starting time.

Finally, there's a whole day spa thing. This is local, but it'll be on a Monday, as it's the more convenient day for the bride.

I work full time in a corporate job. I'm not always able to accurately predict what time I'll finish work, plus all three hen dos are at a time of year that's usually pretty busy work-wise, and AL might not be granted anyway. Therefore I informed the matron of honour, who is organizing everything and is an old friend, that I definitely won't be able to make the trip abroad. I promised to do my best about the other two events, and I think I might be able to attend the Friday evening do and pop in for part of the spa thing, but I'll have to see if I can get annual leave.

I'm already taking a day's AL to attend the actual wedding, which is on a weekday. Matron of honour is now massively pissed off with me, saying I'll be letting the bride down if I don't go on all three events. Background: bride is an old schoolfriend and we used to be very close, but we've drifted apart somewhat over the years.

So AIBU to think AL should be used for your own holidays, to places you actually want to go to, and not to attend hen dos?

Expect? No.

Invite? Yes.

I have taken annual leave for hen dos of perfectly reasonable people, who only EXPECTED their mother/sisters to attend (all of them were very keen), but who INVITED more people just in case they thought it would be fun.

It would be more reasonable to make the Friday afternoon/evening be a Saturday afternoon/evening, to be the "lower commitment" option.

What?!?! £1300?
Have you actually replied to her and said 'look, I love you and everything, but your three hen dos are going to cost 4 days annual leave and £1300. Do you really think that's cool?'

Who ARE these people who arrange all these OTT hen do and stag do's we're always reading about on here? And who are the brides and groom who go along with it all?

Threads like this are here regularly and I've never read a single reply which says: 'oh yes YABU i love a marathon cluster of hen do outings which will cost me £300,000 and all of my annual leave for the next 3 years' ...

I mean no one likes this kind of shite. So who is it keeps organising them?

It's madness and so selfish (let alone the cost!!!). My hen do is a chicken curry and wine "buffet" night at mine with 8 semi middle aged ladies watchin mamma mia and Muriels wedding, gettin squiffy and having a right laugh. We might pop to the pub first for an hour or so (walking distance). It just puts so much preassure on people (i feel bad enough that three of mine have to stay in the local premier inn (but they are sharing the room so £30 each).

Sounds like the bride thinks the world revolves around her. OP can see why you've drifted apart! Go to the spa day and forget the rest, at least at the spa day you'll get something back yourself.

As an aside, I recently saw two separate studies that assessed marriage success predictors; the strongest predictor of divorce is cost of wedding - the more you spend, the less time you're likely to be married!

FUCK that for a game of soldiers. 'It's a pity she'll be disappointed, but I don't have the annual leave to go to all of these, only one. So I can't go.' End of fucking story.

Who on earth has 3 hen dos? im sorry i would go to the one most convient for you to be honest.

She is very self-centred, wanting three of these. I would just go to the spa day.

This Hen do business is getting out of control - but this is above and beyond.

One Hen - a 4 night break abroad, a night out and a spa day? Bloody ridiculous.

Choose 1 or 2 - YANBU.

Honestly, how do people actually live with themselves after demanding so much of other people's time and money for a bloody wedding!

I cannot get my head around it.

YANBU

My wedding cost about £1300. Why are you expected to pay the brides costs for the hen night(s)?

I would be going to the Friday evening do and that would be all. TBH even a weekday wedding is pushing it a bit if she wants everyone to attend.

A four night hen night is excessive all by itself. Having three is self indulgence on a grand scale
I'd disassociate myself from all of them, personally.

Good for her if she can.

Just go to what you want.

I would get snotty back at the MOH. Email back -
"Letting you down??!! Do you realise that if I go to both the wedding and the hen dos I would have to spend £1500 and take 5/12 days of my summer leave, meaning that I have no leave (or money) to do anything else all summer? I am trying to juggle things around so that I can celebrate as much as possible with you all, but I won't be going into debt for it. And to throw a guilt trip in on top is shameful of you all."

I spend about £1300 on a holiday for all 5 of us. There is no way on earth I could find that money and would have to decline. I don't work, so no AL to consider, but DH is self employed and for him to lose 4 days pay while I was away would cost us even more. What a ridiculous request.

Good question EponasWildDaughter - I really don't know. I am older so most of my friends got married before all this sort of thing was done. We might have a night out or a dinner and that was that. I have only ever been to one "hen" do in my life.

I think it takes on a life of its own; that's the problem. One person does something special, (encouraged by advertising/pr) and then you can't NOT do something just as good/better for the next one in the group. "We did an amazing spa weekend for A , what can we do for B? Not another spa day so how about .....?" No-one has the heart to break the chain.

Of course you should take the time off, it proves your commitment to your friendship. If you were a true friend you wouldn't hesitate.

I am being sarcastic of course. I think it's taking the piss IMO.

Send what honey wrote.

I love a hen weekend but three is ridiculous.

janeymoo I love the sound of your hen do, right up my street. Not so much the chicken curry, I'm a veggie. .

This hen weekend thing is ballsacks. I refuse to go on them. When I got married 15 years ago we just went to the pub and mucked about like children the week before the wedding... DH didn't even bother, he and his best man just had a couple of pints at the rugby club a few days before.

YANBU at all - the reason people schedule things on a weekday is generally to save money, so she's saving money at the expense of your time.

I have only been to three hen dos and all of them were just a meal out. This was in the days before bridezilladom - or maybe I just don't associate with narcissistic people.

Why do people find it so difficult to say "no, sorry, I can't afford it" or "I can't take the time off work"? I would have no problem admitting that something was beyond my purse or that I couldn't get the leave from work. I wouldn't at all feel guilt tripped into doing something I can't afford/get time off for.

YANBU. A day off for the wedding would be pushing it for me! The hen dos are just ridiculous.

YANBU!

If the main hen trip abroad is for a limited number of close friends and the bride's costs are being covered by everyone else then the MoH is probably concerned about there being one less sap hen to help share the costs.