To think you can't seriously expect people to take annual leave to attend a hen do (sorry!)?

[pasturesgreen]

Apologies for another hen do thread!

Friend is getting married in the summer. Apparently, a grand total of three (!) hen dos are being organized for her.

The 'main' one, for close friends (myself included), is abroad, involves a four-night stay away and, because of dates/flights, would require taking 3 days annual leave.

Then there's a Friday afternoon/evening in a popular seaside town which is 2 hours away from where we all live and, again, would probably require a day off if one wants to make the 12pm starting time.

Finally, there's a whole day spa thing. This is local, but it'll be on a Monday, as it's the more convenient day for the bride.

I work full time in a corporate job. I'm not always able to accurately predict what time I'll finish work, plus all three hen dos are at a time of year that's usually pretty busy work-wise, and AL might not be granted anyway. Therefore I informed the matron of honour, who is organizing everything and is an old friend, that I definitely won't be able to make the trip abroad. I promised to do my best about the other two events, and I think I might be able to attend the Friday evening do and pop in for part of the spa thing, but I'll have to see if I can get annual leave.

I'm already taking a day's AL to attend the actual wedding, which is on a weekday. Matron of honour is now massively pissed off with me, saying I'll be letting the bride down if I don't go on all three events. Background: bride is an old schoolfriend and we used to be very close, but we've drifted apart somewhat over the years.

So AIBU to think AL should be used for your own holidays, to places you actually want to go to, and not to attend hen dos?

Yes as a slight aside, I have recently discovered the liberating power of just saying "I can't afford it". When I was younger I might have been too embarrassed to say it, but now, when I actually earn the most I ever have, but am also saving very hard for a house deposit, I just say it, as there is very little reasonable come back to it. I like it so much I plan to keep saying it even when I have more disposable income again!

Honestly, that sounds utterly ridiculous!
I'm 33 and got married last year - My hen do was afternoon tea at a very local, very cute and very inexpensive tea rooms- it was £10 a head and I paid for myself (why wouldn't I) and I was just so touched that people took an afternoon out of their weekend for me.
After afternoon tea we all went to the local pub, no pressure, some left after the tea, others of us were there until closing. It was wonderful and the only "mandatory" participation cost was a tenner!!!

3 hen do's and 4 annual leave days- ridiculous!

The Matron of Honour can fuck right off.

Not only are hen dos ridiculous and expensive now, but paying for the bride is a new and unwelcome flavour of greed. The bride is getting a wedding and a honeymoon. Why is she such a charity case just because a man proposed?

If the Matron of Honour is worried about costings and putting pressure on people to go for that reason, then she is 100% in the WRONG. Don;t take any annual leave and don;t spend anything on going to any of them. Explain you've used your annual leave on work and just will not be able to.

How could anyone argue with that reason?

Honestly, when did it because OK to be so rude and grasping? She's engaged, she's not bloody royalty.

Wow, three hen do's and expects to pay for none of them? How selfish to expect so much time and money from others.

I paid for the hen do, if inviting guests I expect to pay. All my friends have done similar.

If she is going to have three hen dos plus a wedding day, you'd think at least one of them would be at the weekend!

It all sounds mad to me. What are the bride/MOH normally like? I'd be really embarrassed to ask so much of my friends and family.

I'd pick whichever of the three is best for you and go to that, and think nothing more of it!

Fuck who has 3 hen do 's? Seriously?

I had a picnic lunch with a few friends and then had a meal in the evening - some went to picnic/some dinner and 2 went to both. I was very grateful for everyone coming - it's nice to have a lovely day with friends not spend a lavish amount.

Why on earth does the bride to be expect her costs to be covered on a holiday abroad? And why is everything on a weekday? Don't these people have day jobs?

Just accept the one you can - with three I'd assume a choice anyway- but to be expected to stump up for the bride- no - I might buy a bottle of champagne for us all to enjoy, but I wouldn't be funding any hen parties. Shows an astounding lack of common sense. Plus as you say, you've drifted apart and will do more so after she is married, I expect.

And yes, the MOH is more concerned about cost than you personally being there! How rude, really- you could always say " um - can't do any of it as I won't get the time off- fancy a day in London just you and me and lunch in Harvey Nics?"

Three? The bride and bridal party will be in so much debt at the end of this you won't be able to take any more leave off for an actual holiday.

Absurd. Just go to the spa thing on the Monday. One day's AL is fine.

Three is ridiculous even if they were just a drink at someone's house/local bar and restaurant. For one of them to be a trip abroad is simply insane.

I may be biased as I hate hen dos and never go (and didn't have one myself) Especially as you have to take a day's leave for the wedding (hate this too, I'm coming across well tonight and I haven't even had wine yet ...) I would certainly say no.

I thought hen/stag dos were to celebrate the end of your single life - which always seems a contradiction as you are getting married so presumably are happy to end your single days - and now that most people live together before marriage surely your single days ended ages ago?!

If I go away on a holidays, I want to take my son, not go away with a bunch of giggling women who I probably have nothing in common with anyway so they can get tipsy on crap champagne. The whole thing sounds hideous.

"No" is a perfectly acceptable answer. "Fuck off" is also acceptable when the piss taking reaches such monumental levels as this.

I just don't get all this expense. I don't mind a weekday wedding as often it's due to availability of the venue and costs are often cheaper too, and I'm happy to take a day off for a friend. But crazy hen/stag dos are awful.

Both me and DH bowed out of my bro and SIL's stag and hen dos. Was going to be lots of drinking and expense so I got our apologies in early. (15 years ago) I just had a meal out in town, drinks and back home. A few people bought me drinks but I paid my way. I did invite some people who needed to travel and therefore stay in the town, but I wouldn't have been offended if they declined as obviously there was an additional travel and overnight cost.

Bride is too precision for words. End of. I don't think I'd even go to her wedding either!

...precious...

Totally OTT!!

Good God! What a total waste of money. I never had a hen do (the idea didn't ever enter my head), neither did my sisters nor any of my friends. I have never been to one!

People seem to have so much more money to throw away nowadays, yet many complain about not having enough!

It's totally unreasonable of your friend to expect you to spend a small fortune and use up over a week of annual leave to indulge her with three pre-wedding parties/holidays or whatever!

How much annual leave do you get per year?

I get 33 plus bank hols so 6 days wouldn't be much trouble for me.

That's more than most people do. Pro rata I would get 23 days plus bank holidays.

That's just nuts! Totally unfair to expect people to spend that much time and money for hen do's!

YANBU. And why have 3 hen do if the same people are coming to all? I mean, I can imagine something sedate for mum and gran, a night at the pub with office mates and a spa day with close friends (actually, I can't. But it least it would have some logic!)

What happened to the time when a hen do was one night on the town? Frankly, that was a whole lot better than this sort of nonsense. I can't imagine anything worse than having to spend several days in the company of a load of women I don't know particularly well in a holiday destination I haven't chosen and doing activities I'd never contemplate doing if left to myself.

You should clearly say to the maid of honour which event(s) you are going to (with no ambiguity) so you can step away from the politics. If she says YABU just say 'really looking forward to going to the spa' or whichever one you choose. Totally ignore the emotional blackmail. You don't need to think about this or engage on this, so don't. The more you say the more it will escalate. keep it simple and positive. The bride may think its OTT anyway.

I get 33 plus bank hols so 6 days wouldn't be much trouble for me.

I don't think it matters how many days you get, it's about how you choose to fill those days. Six days of dragging around after the hen and her entourage, or six extra days on a beach (or even laying in bed in your jammies watching Netflix)? I know which one I'd prefer.

My annual leave is mine. It's for me to do with it as I choose, not to be dictated to by the whims of someone who thinks their wedding is the social event of the millennia.

Even with 33 days plus public holidays, I'd seriously resent being expected to use 6 of them up for someone else's wedding/multiple hen dos. I'd much rather use them to cover the school holidays and spent time with the children (and not pay for someone else to look after them).

I'd also expect that everyone else felt the same and would make my plans accordingly. I can't imagine thinking it would be OK to expect anyone to want to spend a full week of their life and more than £1000 having some sort of festival of me. And I wouldn't think twice about saying 'no' to any invitation that thought I'd want to do the same for the festival of all about them.

Aw, StepAway...that reminded me of this....