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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you can't seriously expect people to take annual leave to attend a hen do (sorry!)?

128 replies

pasturesgreen · 29/01/2016 17:48

Apologies for another hen do thread!

Friend is getting married in the summer. Apparently, a grand total of three (!) hen dos are being organized for her.

The 'main' one, for close friends (myself included), is abroad, involves a four-night stay away and, because of dates/flights, would require taking 3 days annual leave.

Then there's a Friday afternoon/evening in a popular seaside town which is 2 hours away from where we all live and, again, would probably require a day off if one wants to make the 12pm starting time.

Finally, there's a whole day spa thing. This is local, but it'll be on a Monday, as it's the more convenient day for the bride.

I work full time in a corporate job. I'm not always able to accurately predict what time I'll finish work, plus all three hen dos are at a time of year that's usually pretty busy work-wise, and AL might not be granted anyway. Therefore I informed the matron of honour, who is organizing everything and is an old friend, that I definitely won't be able to make the trip abroad. I promised to do my best about the other two events, and I think I might be able to attend the Friday evening do and pop in for part of the spa thing, but I'll have to see if I can get annual leave.

I'm already taking a day's AL to attend the actual wedding, which is on a weekday. Matron of honour is now massively pissed off with me, saying I'll be letting the bride down if I don't go on all three events. Background: bride is an old schoolfriend and we used to be very close, but we've drifted apart somewhat over the years.

So AIBU to think AL should be used for your own holidays, to places you actually want to go to, and not to attend hen dos?

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 29/01/2016 22:10

I would decline all three invites. Would offer to go on the seaside resort one but only if changed to a Saturday. My AL is he normal amount of days, but need all of it to cover the school holidays. I would take the day off for the wedding.

MOH can be as pissed off as she likes, I'd tell her honestly that it's just not possible mid week.

OhSoGraceful · 29/01/2016 22:21

A normal hen do is a Sat night out for meal/drinks/both. Depending on location of friends one/two nights away might be needed to achieve this, but a considerate bride will make the overnight stays as cheap/ convenient as possible.

chillycurtains · 29/01/2016 22:28

No, yanbu at all. That's just stupid. Why does it need to be this whole going away, money draining extravaganza? Not just your friend's but the whole new culture of it. I truly don't understand. I had an evening out. It was fun, a laugh and we had a good time celebrating. That's all a hen celebration is.

Hope you at least have a good time at one hen do and the wedding.

Saz12 · 29/01/2016 22:32

Exceptionally rude to be snippy if someone (reasonably politely) refuses an invite, (almost) regardless of the cirumstances!!!

If you want to, then contact the bride and explain to her directly, and see if you can organise a lunch together at a weekend, or similar.

In all honesty, I DO get using a "hen do" as an excuse as a weekend away with one or two close friends, then feeling like you have to do a "bigger group" thing on a weekend evening. But this is mental.

PrimalLass · 29/01/2016 22:33

thenightsky do you have children in school? They get approx 70 days off, which is hard to cover with AL.

ample · 29/01/2016 22:37

£1,300? You could have a decent holiday for that.
Chipping in to cover the bride's cost? Is this normal? Actually, I don't want/need to know.
OTT hen & stag do's are a bit outdated now, imo.

I would do what you feel comfortable with but do what makes you happy, no one else. It's your money, your leave time.

BeaufortBelle · 29/01/2016 22:41

Well, a zillion years ago, my best friend (not the bridesmaid because I only had one and she was 17 and lived a hundred or so miles away) organised a lovely girly supper for about six of us. My work girlfriends, who weren't invited to the wedding, because it was relatively modest, organised a lunch at a City hostelry. I was absolutely bowled over by the fact that the wives/girlfriends of DH's uni friends arranged a lunch, just for me that about five of us in total attended. With the exception of the work girlfriends we are still in touch with all those people and there is a much god parenting across all the couples.

Most of them will be coming to our silver wedding party in the summer .

HanYOLO · 29/01/2016 22:42

since when are you beholden to the matron of honour? talk to your friend yourself - no-one reasonable would expect a person to go to three hen dos and I would be elastic with the truth and say your a/l requests for the trip abroad were turned down.

deffo reckon MOH's worry is financial rather than about you (though I am sure you are delightful) esp if there is a plan that the hens subsidise the bride

I'd go to the seaside weekend, from Friday evening. Or all day if you think it will be more fun that way ....but only if you fancy it.

kali110 · 29/01/2016 22:43

Although i think 3 hen
Nights are massively ott and the cost is enormous, I think yabu about taking these days off as al if you wish to go.
I always used al for events when i knew i would need the time off.

BeaufortBelle · 29/01/2016 22:43

Forgot to say YANBU. Bloody ridiculous.

Jux · 29/01/2016 22:59

The fewer people who go on these stupid hen dos abroad the better, the quicker they'll fall out of fashion. It is ridiculous.

StepAwayFromTheThesaurus · 29/01/2016 23:13

Getyourself: you could post that video on 90% of the wedding-related threads on here.

Ditsy4 · 29/01/2016 23:30

Didn't have them when I got married. I had a meal with my mum and sisters and my bridesmaid at the hotel they were staying at the night before the wedding. DH went to the pub with his mates. Wedding booked for afternoon to make sure he was sober when he said "I do!"

GiddyOnZackHunt · 29/01/2016 23:30

How did this (generally) get so out of hand? It is a Hen NIGHT. Going away overnight is acceptable because it's generally off on Saturday and back on Sunday.
Expecting you to take 25% of your annual leave entitlement and spend a good chunk of disposable income on their wedding is just daft.
I'm glad I'm old!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/01/2016 23:34

Is there such a thing as Matronofhonourzilla? sounds like you've got one!

"Letting the bride down" - what a load of bollocks! Just go to ONE of them, the one you most want to/works best for you with your work, and ignore the witterings of the MOH.

I had a short-notice wedding, and because of that it was on a Friday. I felt bad enough about that! Didn't have an organised hen-do at all (was pg, and really CBA with all the bollocks) but the night before the wedding, we had an impromptu gathering of a few friends at my house and it was lovely. All I needed :)

lorelei9 · 29/01/2016 23:35

OP
Id like to comment on this properly but three hen dos, and the cost, has left me in need of smelling salts!!!

AddToBasket · 30/01/2016 00:16

Just say no. Don't provide too much reason for it and don't apologise, you're not in the wrong. Be tough as boots. Only go to the bit you want to go to.

Try not to get drawn into discussions about it though. Quite often it isn't that somebody was/wasn't there that gets remembered or brooded on, it's what was said. So don't say too much!

TheMightyMing · 30/01/2016 00:27

Laughable , that is all. I think I would be giving all of them a miss. I had a mean out for both of mine (been married twice!)" basically just meal and drinks for close friends, I paid my way.i think the second time we made it to a dodgy local night club, I was too drunk to remember though.

TheMightyMing · 30/01/2016 00:27

Meal not mean!

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 30/01/2016 00:28

YANBU. Ridiculous & selfish of the bride/MOH to expect this.

I had a spa day at a local place, with one friend, on a weekend. I paid for both of us, on the basis that it was my choice of activity. My friend booked a table at a very nice tea room, everyone paid for themselves (was very reasonable).

Viviennemary · 30/01/2016 01:02

It's not U to not want to take the leave for the trip abroad. But I think you should have said either way about the other two events. You can't just say you'll try and make it.. Either opt out or opt in. I'd be a bit fed up with this as well I'mafraid.

DisappointedOne · 30/01/2016 01:06

I didn't want a hen night, so ended up with 3. . 1 evening out in the city I worked - I hired part of a local bar during happy hour and laid on some bar snacks; 1 evening out in my home town - a meal at a city centre restaurant followed by a few drinks at a bar; and a weekend away with my one and only best woman, with spa treatments and a show, hotel and flight, which I paid for.

These over the top, look at me hen nights sound hideous!

kali110 · 30/01/2016 01:42

GiddyOnZackHunt what about people who work weekends? In every place i've worked i've had to work a sat or sunday (or both).

I would never go abroad though, i hate flying, bad enough when it's dh and i!

ZanyMobster · 30/01/2016 08:02

I get 33 days plus bank hols also so wouldn't find the leave a problem at all, I used a similar amount of days last year for a girly holiday plus a day for a hen weekend last year. However I would only use my leave for such things if I really wanted to.

I would object to being expected to do this, totally out of order. I also would not arrange a 1 day hen do during the week if I actually wanted people to come.

Bunbaker · 30/01/2016 15:04

Which jobs offer 33 days AL plus bank holidays?

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