Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being way over-cautious

148 replies

HelsBels3000 · 29/01/2016 17:29

My eldest DD (7) had a friend round for tea, all fine, had a good time and ate and played together nicely. I had previously arranged with friend's Mum that I would bring her DD home afterwards. DH suddenly announces during the day that he was going out with friends for drinks that evening - and pretty much driving past friend's house on his route. I thought nothing of it and asked that he would drop friend off on his way past - on his way out. Journey is approx 15mins each way.
DH arrives home and is told of this plan, refuses and says he will have to take friend home AND our DD in the car with him and then return home again to drop off DD, and go again - as he will not be alone in the car with someone else's daughter. I think he is being ridiculous. He thinks he is being cautious. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
HelsBels3000 · 29/01/2016 20:53

Actually limited if you read my OP - it says that DH proposed to take our DD with him, return her to go to bed and then head off again to meet his friends. Which incidentally, was the solution we agreed on. I still think he made unnecessary work for himself by driving 45mins instead of 15, but he feels he was guarding against any accusations from parents - who we aren't familiar or that friendly with and have never met DH, only me - if he were to turn up at their door with their daughter, unaccompanied.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 29/01/2016 20:56

"Does it really? What's your evidence?

I have no evidence either"

I didnt say I had no evidence. Confused. I know people who have had their lives wrecked by malicious allegations.

pudcat · 29/01/2016 20:58

I know people who have had their lives wrecked by malicious allegations - yes if I had not had a TA in my room my career might have been ruined by a child and his friend saying I hit him.

Sallystyle · 29/01/2016 21:01

Yet on this thread the assumption is that no man should ever be alone with a child who they probably know through regular contact with their own children.

I totally understand my husband feeling the way he does. I don't think he shouldn't ever be alone with another child because I know he is not an abuser, but I understand him worrying about it. I know he would also worry that it would make the parents of the child uncomfortable. Like I said, he never used to think like that but now he is aware that the parents might not like it and it could, no matter how unlikely, lead to trouble.

He will take home my niece on his own because he knows my brother trusts him, but he wouldn't do it for a child if he didn't know the parents well.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 21:05

I did read your OP, OP.

I still think your husband was putting obstacles in the way because he just didn't want to do it.

jevoudrais · 29/01/2016 21:08

I was abused for over four years and it all started when my friend's Dad used to take me home in the car.

Obviously very close to home for me so probably biased, but I completely understand your DH's view.

Libitina · 29/01/2016 21:13

Your DH is being sensible imo. Why leave him open to allegations?

pudcat · 29/01/2016 21:15

I still think your husband was putting obstacles in the way because he just didn't want to do it. A long distance mind reader. !!!

Original poster
HelsBels3000 · 29/01/2016 21:17

He's way more direct than that - if he didn't want to do it he would have just said 'No I don't want to do it!'

OP posts:
Greengardenpixie · 29/01/2016 21:23

Tbh, i think that the girl may feel uncomfortable hence the reason for taking dd. That would be the only reason though. I would be thinking of the child. She would be happier with her friend [ your dd] going with her.

OzzieFem · 29/01/2016 21:24

I think your husband is being very sensible. YOU did tell the child's mother you would be bringing her home yourself. Imagine how she will feel if a strange man suddenly turns up, alone, with her daughter.

If this happened to any child of mine, I would never trust you again.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 21:26

I'll take your word for it OP. So how was it resolved? Did you drop the child home while your husband's plans were undisturbed?

naysayer · 29/01/2016 21:27

I am with your DH. Friend of my DD's was once late being picked up from nursery and the owner offered for her DH (the nursery co-owner) to drop the girl off on his way home after shutting up for the night. The mother (a friend of mine) said she wouldn't want to put the male in a position where he was alone with her daughter and refused. I think it was the first time either of the nursery owners had thought about it this way, and TBH me too. She was right. Adults have to protect themselves.

pudcat · 29/01/2016 21:33

limitedperiodonly the OP has said that her husband took her in the way he propsed

Hillfarmer · 29/01/2016 21:34

What is he protecting himself from?

Original poster
HelsBels3000 · 29/01/2016 21:37

I actually happened to tell the Mum the updated plan (our children do an activity at the same place after school) and she didn't seem disturbed by it.
DH took my DD with him on the drop-off journey and brought her home before he went out to meet his friends. I stayed at home with our two other DC who were in bed and asleep.

OP posts:
PegsPigs · 29/01/2016 21:44

That's a shame HelsBels that he was worried about the possible fall out from being alone in the car with her. Would never have occurred to me. My DD 2.11 has had 2 male childminders as part of the husband and wife teams and I'm completely fine her being alone with a man.

Jesabel · 29/01/2016 21:46

The little girl was probably happier travelling with her friend though.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 21:48

That's all fine then.

But as another poster said, if he was the sort of man to abuse a seven year old stranger, he'd more than likely be abusing his own child.

So if you or he or anyone else is worried about false accusations he should never be with children unless there is an independent adult there to supervise. But what if that adult is part of a peedo ring? It's been known...

exLtEveDallas · 29/01/2016 21:49

Yeah, sad as it is my DH wouldn't do this either...and having spent the last year working at a primary school where I couldn't even patch up a child's knee without an open door/other person in proximity, I understand his thinking.

Jw35 · 29/01/2016 22:01

A child abuser wouldn't take these precautions so not sure how doing this actually prevents abuse?

It wouldn't have crossed my mind. My dd has been dropped off by friends dads many times. If I did trust both parents I wouldn't let my child go in the first place

TheCatsFlaps · 29/01/2016 22:59

Sympathise entirely with your DH's POV. Men are in the unfortunate position sometimes of an automatic assumption of guilt by certain people, whether justified or not. A single allegation can do tremendous damage, so he is being sensible - call it a sign of the times?

NightWanderer · 30/01/2016 00:43

I also think it's normal for your child to go along. Even if just for the company. My son and I always walk his friend home after he comes over to play. The friend would be a bit horrified if I offered to walk him alone, I think. They are both seven.

ToucheShay · 30/01/2016 01:26

I agree with your DH too, especially as your families don't know each other well. It was the right thing to do.

Once we started with sleepovers with DC's we didn't know as well as others my DH refitted the locks on the bathroom doors to stop the kids accidentally bursting in when he was in there , and took to wearing full PJ's at night. Also, I dealt with any 'night time' issues. DH just felt it protected him and the children from anything embarrassing or potentially worse, and I agree.

noddingoff · 30/01/2016 01:39

Perhaps he's being a little over cautious, but then I'm thinking as a woman and it is hard to put myself in a man's shoes and think about what worries them.
As a comparison - if DH was buying a car and went to meet a male vendor at the vendor's house in the middle of nowhere, he'd think nothing of it. I'd definitely think twice if it was me going and would probably want company, even if the guy sounded really genuine. DH would respect this even if he thought I was being over cautious and wouldn't urge me to go on my own.
My concerns are slightly illogical as I'd happily share a drunk taxi ride with any of our male friends and go to sleep at their house while sober DH drives to pick up their girlfriend at the airport, and I know which is statistically a more dangerous situation, but hey ho different comfort zones and all that.
I think it's important to respect comfort zones as well as statistical likelihoods, and your DH - and maybe the girl and/or her parents- would be pushed out of theirs.