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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being way over-cautious

148 replies

HelsBels3000 · 29/01/2016 17:29

My eldest DD (7) had a friend round for tea, all fine, had a good time and ate and played together nicely. I had previously arranged with friend's Mum that I would bring her DD home afterwards. DH suddenly announces during the day that he was going out with friends for drinks that evening - and pretty much driving past friend's house on his route. I thought nothing of it and asked that he would drop friend off on his way past - on his way out. Journey is approx 15mins each way.
DH arrives home and is told of this plan, refuses and says he will have to take friend home AND our DD in the car with him and then return home again to drop off DD, and go again - as he will not be alone in the car with someone else's daughter. I think he is being ridiculous. He thinks he is being cautious. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
missingmumxox · 29/01/2016 18:47

Whatever his protest are I would still get him to do it because otherwise you and dd have to go, he's having an impromptu night out he can help you by taking her home, in either scenario your daughter is inconvenienced so you might as well make the most of a half hour of peace to tidy up/sit down with some wine.

Don't let him bamboozel you into doing it

firesidechat · 29/01/2016 18:51

So missing you think the op's husband is making all this up and actually he doesn't feel uncomfortable being alone in a car with a child he doesn't know. He should be made to do this because he's just being lazy?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2016 18:51
  1. You believe that in a world where so many children are sexually abused (overwhelmingly by men so let's not pretend otherwise) it's good practice for people to be aware of that and act accordingly.

SWs, youth workers, teachers all know this. Possibly parents should as well.

pudcat · 29/01/2016 18:53

So, does this need for caution only apply to men with girls? or does it apply to boys too? To both in my opinion. Both boys and girls can make accusations against men and women.

abbieanders · 29/01/2016 18:58

Of course, the question intends to be slyly disingenuous and catch you out as a dreadful old misandrist (as our dear old mra friends say) but is I'm fact so sloppy and transparent that it would hardly fool a six year old into revealing his dreadful bigotry.

It also asks you to ignore the actual abuse statistics because, you know...

LaurieFairyCake · 29/01/2016 18:58

No. No one should be alone with a child, boy/girl doesn't matter.

It's not abuse believing someone's an abuser, it's about protecting yourself and doing the right thing for a child.

Every single adult who works in social care, education, government organisations, charities, churches - does this. Parents should too.

LadyPeterWimsey · 29/01/2016 18:59

The 17-year-olds in our church youth group are often given a lift home by the leaders afterwards. There have to be two leaders in the car AND the leaders can't be related to each other, e.g. married to each other. It's a logistical nightmare and I sometimes feel unnecessary but our church safeguarding policy is very tight.

I think I'm with your DH, and DH and I would not be alone in the car with someone else's child without our kids. Actually DH would try very hard not to be alone in a car with a woman, and if he works from home he wouldn't have a meeting with a woman if I were not in the house. Both parties need to be protected.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 29/01/2016 19:01

I think it's a really sad way to look at it, but I understand why he is thinking that way.

Personally I would like to think I'd trust the girl and my DP enough that this wouldn't cross my mind. It certainly wouldn't cross DP's mind as he is a single dad and has his dd's friends over for sleepovers regularly. It wouldn't occur to him to be concerned about it

I do worry about my dd sleeping at her friend's house when it's only the dad there though (but he's a bit weird!) so for me it would depend on the child and on the man as to how comfortable I was with it.

For full disclosure I was almost molested by a friend's dad who drove me home as a 10 y/o. It was only because I wouldn't take my seat belt off and sit on his lap that nothing happened (following rules - and gut - not really aware of what he would have done Blush )

RaspberryOverload · 29/01/2016 19:07

I've always had the relevant DC in the car with me if giving a lift to that DC's friends.

a) because they like the extra time to chat, and
b) because that way there is less risk of any allegations.

Booboostwo · 29/01/2016 19:08

Completely ridiculous and even if DH did take your DD with him how effective would a 7yo be as a chaperone? Suppose a paedophile gave a lift to not one but two 7yos, how would that make them safe? Or suppose your innocent DH has your DD with him as some kind of backup to convince others he's not a paedophile, why would one 7yos word that her friend was not abused count over another 7yos word that she was?

MrsUltra · 29/01/2016 19:09

Completely agree with your DH.
I am a supply teacher. Recently was driving to a school I often work in. Torrential rain. Drove past a bus stop and recognised a boy waiting there from the school I was driving to I did not stop and offer a lift for the same reasons, but did think it ridiculous, and really wished I could have done, but too risky for me as an adult, open to accusations Sad

MrsUltra · 29/01/2016 19:13

Booboostwo
Far less likely the child would make up an accusation if her friend was also there. We are talking about the risk of false allegations, not that the DH is really likely to be a perp!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/01/2016 19:16

I'm a woman and I would not be a sole adult with a child who was not mine

AppleSetsSail · 29/01/2016 19:19

My husband has done a fair bit of solo driving with our children's friends and neither of us have ever given it a second thought. I have no plans to change course.

pudcat · 29/01/2016 19:19

I'm a woman and I would not be a sole adult with a child who was not mine Agree with this unfortunately.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 19:20

He is being ridiculous

whattodowiththepoo · 29/01/2016 19:21

I am make and would have done the same as your DH.

CandOdad · 29/01/2016 19:22

As a man I agree, but I would want my wife to do the same too. For boys and for girls and stupid as this might sound but I only feel comfortable being alone in the car with my best mate who is female or relatives. Other than that who knows what colleagues, acquaintances etc. could say if the mood took them.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 19:23

He doesn't want to drop the kid off and is using stranger danger as an excuse.

Pathetic.

Booboostwo · 29/01/2016 19:23

MrsUltra what is the evidence to support this claim? Sounds completely made up to me. If a 7yo is so psychologically damaged that she makes up claims of sexual abuse about her friend's father, I don't think the friend's presence is going to deter her.

Booboostwo · 29/01/2016 19:26

CandOdad that is a completely paranoid attitude. Why are you just worried about the car? How about being alone at work with a colleague, who know what she might say? Or what if everyone else drifts outside at a party and you are alone with a friend, who knows what claims he might make?!

SeptemberFlowers · 29/01/2016 19:27

My dh would have done the same thing, and it's for his protection - he never stays alone with any child.

Same for play dates.

DreamingofSummer · 29/01/2016 19:27

He's being ridiculous

BoffinMum · 29/01/2016 19:30

Most of the rest of Europe would be Shock at some of the attitudes on this thread.

Stranger danger and associated fear of false accusations is completely out of hand in this country. It beggars belief.

limitedperiodonly · 29/01/2016 19:31

Unfortunately he is right. If the child made an allegation of any kind it has to be investigated.

Why would a child make a false allegation of sexual assault?

It's even less likely than an adult woman making one.

And they do it all the time, don't they?

He just doesn't want to be arsed with dropping your daughter's friend off when he's meeting his mates for a drink.