To think DH is being way over-cautious

[HelsBels3000]

My eldest DD (7) had a friend round for tea, all fine, had a good time and ate and played together nicely. I had previously arranged with friend's Mum that I would bring her DD home afterwards. DH suddenly announces during the day that he was going out with friends for drinks that evening - and pretty much driving past friend's house on his route. I thought nothing of it and asked that he would drop friend off on his way past - on his way out. Journey is approx 15mins each way.
DH arrives home and is told of this plan, refuses and says he will have to take friend home AND our DD in the car with him and then return home again to drop off DD, and go again - as he will not be alone in the car with someone else's daughter. I think he is being ridiculous. He thinks he is being cautious. What are your thoughts?

It's a shame that people have to think this way, but it's probably more for your DH's protection than for your DD's friend.

We had a young boy knock on our door and claim to be lost. He was about ten or eleven, and he wanted us to drive him to the other side of town to his Mum's house.

He didn't know her name, or the address, although he said he could find the house. We didn't drive him or let him into our house. We rang 101 to ask for advice, were told to keep him with us and they would probably be with us within the hour. I said we were all outside in the garden, because we didn't want to encourage him to go into strange houses or cars, but also we didn't want to put ourselves in the position where he could say something happened in the house.

They agreed this was a good idea. Five minutes later we had three police cars with blue lights on coming at us from all directions because he was missing from a children's home and 'known' to the police.

They didn't tell us much about him, but they did say we did the right thing in not taking him to his mum as he would have been at risk in that house. They also said we did the right thing in staying outside with him.

I can see where your DH is coming from in worrying about being alone with a young girl. It's a shame but it's how things are now. I remember SIL refusing to let DH change her DD's nappy when they were at our house once. We had DS by then, so DH was used to nappies and this is our niece, with SIL and BIL, me, and four other children in the room, but even so, SIL wasn't comfortable with it and we had to respect it.

It may be overly cautious, but I'm struggling to believe that some posters are expressing regret that if children make allegations they are likely to be believed these days.

He's being cautious because he has to be. It's sad.

It's not a sad indictment. My DM was sexually assaulted by one of her friend's fathers in a car dropping her off. 60 years ago. I'm glad we are more conscious and more careful these days.

It's a potential minefield isn't it!

Even worse, my friend is a Guide leader and had to take a slightly injured child to A&E while at camp. She's already rung the parents and agreed that they would meet them at the A&E department and either stay with their DD or take her home. Because my friend couldn't be alone with the injured child she had to take another girl with her on the way to the hospital. But then of course as girl no. 1 was going to be left with her parents, Friend would then be alone with girl no. 2 on the way back - so she had to take a third girl to act as chaperone!!! Ridiculous really but I suppose it's for everyone's protection.

Unfortunately he is right. If the child made an allegation of any kind it has to be investigated.

Unfortunately he is right. If the child made an allegation of any kind it has to be investigated.

That is certainly unfortunate.

I'm with your dh.

That's insane
Would he feel the same if she was a boy?
Friends' dads have driven DS places alone and it has literally never crossed my mind to feel anxious about it.

It's not a sad reflection on the world today, there's nothing new about child abuse!

It's just that these days we're more aware of what goes on and will take steps to protect both our children and ourselves. Nothing stupid about it.

My children always accompanied friends home. I'm the only driver in the house. I think they just liked the extra time.

Nothing to do with him being a man either. If I was taking a friend of my DC's anywhere (I'm female), I'd always take my own DC along as well.

... though this might be because I've had safeguarding drummed into me as also a Brownie leader.

I think this is massively over-cautious and also sets a bad example to children in terms of who they can trust.

DH used to run DDs friends around all the time. Total non-issue. I think they tended to travel in the back though, mainly for car safety reasons.

I think sadly he's right.
We once had an interesting decision to make at a multi-child sleepover when one child desperately wanted to go home (parents didn't drive) as to which of us took the little girl alone in the car and which stayed in the house with the other 5 sleeping children.

It is insane I know, but children do make things up ,especially if egged on by friends. I was accused by a pupil of hitting him on the head with a book and his friend backed him up. Fortunately I always had a TA in the room so had a witness to say he lied.

Does everyone apply these rules as a mother if you are taking your daughters friend home in the car? As a woman you wouldn't be alone in a car with someone else's child?

sets a bad example to children in terms of who they can trust. How so? Lots of children are sexually assaulted by people they know including parents of friends.

It's not a sad reflection on the world today, there's nothing new about child abuse!

Indeed. Having grown up in a country where priests got away with shocking abuse on a scale difficult to comprehend because they were decent, respectable people and children wicked liars to say such things about men of god, I find it hard to be really troubled by the idea of adults not being alone with children other than their own.

We'll I've given loads of kids lifts in my car. And my kids have had lifts from friends' parents. Never crossed my mind that there was anything wrong with it.

Is this only seen as problematic if it's a dad and a girl?

Does everyone apply these rules as a mother if you are taking your daughters friend home in the car? As a woman you wouldn't be alone in a car with someone else's child? Women can be falsely accused as well.

In this day and age, I agree with him. Were I a man I would not want the liability of being an adult man alone with a little girl.

As a practical matter - could the girl phone her mother and talk to her en route for the length of the journey, so there would be no question of anything untoward going on? Extreme I know but would get the job done.

And honestly accused, too.

Is it sexist to point out that a man is 16 times more likely to sexually assault a girl than a women is?

Pudcat- exactly, that's why I was asking.

So, does this need for caution only apply to men with girls? or does it apply to boys too? and do the women who feel that their husbands shouldn't be alone with a girl in a car apply the same principle to themselves too? After all, it's not just men who are abusers and not just girls who are victims. and

The message being sent out by women who perpetuate this idea that men should never be alone with girls in a car is:

1. that you believe that young girls will make false allegations hence the need to protect themselves.

or

1. You believe your dh is a potential abuser. in which case, why are you married to him? and do you also not allow him to be in the same space as your daughter?

Boys are obviously exempt from this level of protection given that only girls are abused - and only by men.