To think DH is wrong to threaten to not speak to DS over university choice

[DPSN]

DS has an offer to study at Cambridge but is considering turning it down to study closer to home at a university with a reputation for his subject which is nowhere near as good as Cambridge's to be near his girlfriend. I think basing a life choice on a current GF is a mistake but he is very stubborn and I cannot force him to go to Cambridge. If she is the love of his life, love will conquer time and distance but if she isn't,I think he will regret turning down Cambridge for her.
I have asked him to weigh up the pros and cons of each option carefully.
DH , on the other hand, has said he will not want to speak to him again if he doesn't go to Cambridge and would want to limit financial support.
I feel I am living in a parallel world with DH thinking he can control DS' s choices with threats and bullying tactics. He says I am too soft for saying ultimately it is DS' s life and choice.
Opinions please.

Absolutely jizzy. Like you I do wonder about the cost involved and whether it's really worth it. I am seeing so many graduates from excellent unis doing jobs that are unskilled. Unless you are very academic, with good grades and the hunger, desire and determination to progress into a competitive well paying field...I'm less convinced it's worth it as time goes on.

Surely it is actually possible to administratively divest yourself of a parent who is able to fund but refuses to, for the purposes of undergraduate student loans? Would this DS qualify as independently funded if the dad went ahead with the threat and refused to fund, thereby qualifying for the maximum loans? Since grants have been abolished perhaps it will be easier to qualify as independent that it was up until now?

I think the opportunities the DS might miss go beyond salary though. This discussion is very job/ career focused.

molio yes dd did go to Oxford, and loved it, but now doing postgrad and instead of finishing it at Oxford went up north to be 'near friends' though most of her friends came to London. I am sad for her lack of ability to put into action all that feminism and individualism but there you go. I'm certainely not sacrificing home essentials for it and thats that. She can see it as blackmail if she wants but we're not that wealthy as to be able to fund just anything, just have a steady income.
Sometimes I think those who are lucky don't realise their luck enough or value it enough.

Would this DS qualify as independently funded if the dad went ahead with the threat and refused to fund, thereby qualifying for the maximum loans?

No, unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Only those with parental income under a certain level can receive the higher grant.

The rest have to manage with or without financial support from parents.

However, I think it's quite entitled to assume that a parent will support an adult offspring. Especially if that offspring is intent on making what the parent perceives to be a poor choice.

Parents are free to spend their money how they like, not compelled to fund adults living away from home, or even in their home. I wonder if OP's ds will feel 'hard done by' if they refuse to fund him or whether he will just get a loan and job and get on with it.

And yet these days headofthehive it seems you're barely allowed to wipe your own arse without a BA!

It's true this isn't just about salary. Oxbridge does provide some wonderful opportunities. I did postgraduate vocational study at a very different university, and found the two experiences very different. Additionally, the discussion seems to have veered towards the perspective of low and middle income families, ie people who don't have tens of thousands to spend on study if it isn't going to generate some financial return. Which is as much my doing as anyone's. But that may not be relevant to OP, as she hasn't said anything about their income level. If the money they'd be giving him will represent years of scrimping and going without, it's easier to justify DHs stance than it would be if they wipe their arses on £50 notes. We can't assume.

mollo I think student life us very career focussed compared to years gone by.

It's very difficult to gain independent status, my DDs friend tried to do so as her parents refused to fund but didn't manage it. She's ended up with a part time job to try and fund it herself, but it's very difficult.

And the other opportunities he might miss? Well different unis have different opportunities. Take Loughborough for sport.

A university education costs at least 20,000 a year all in and that money has to be found from somewhere.

I don't know whether it's a full 20k, but it's true that not all students are actually able to borrow enough to live on without parental help.

funny isn't feminism and individualism about choosing where you want to go for the reasons which are important to you? I'm sure my parents are sad about my path in life, but it's not their life so They don't get to choose!

I'm very uncomfortable with parents who themselves benefited from free or low cost higher education, threatening to withhold financial support from their children because they don't approve of their choices.

Completely different from saying sorry but you can't afford to help, full stop.

For undergraduates in the uk your tuition fees are paid by the govt as a loan, you get approx 3.5k in loans and either govt will give you another 3.5k or your parents have to support you. There latter is done in a sliding scale re parental income.
This is yearly.

We helped both through their undergrad degrees but that meant not paying off the mortgage like other peers, and no repairs or redecoration or going out and stuff.
It was a pleasure to know that the dc were having the opportunity their brains and hard work deserved.
But taking top level universities for granted and not valuing them, and assuming the bank of mum and dad is a right available under any circumstance, particularly when chasing not-so-successful friends before achieving one's own financial independence is something I find very difficult in the present economic climate.

Floisme For example, assuming I work for personal reward, I could go to Japan and see the cherry blossom in my autumn years or fund a child at uni for 2 months. If the uni is a good one then I fund it, if not then I'm off to see the cherry blossom with the money I earned through my own hard work thank you very much.

That's your decision funnyperson but I wouldn't be comfortable with it myself.

I think it's reasonable to a certain extent funny to choose what you do with your own money, but the system builds in this expectation. I think it would have been better to increase tax and tax previous graduates thus removing the link between students and parents paying for their degree.

Agreed that he wouldn't qualify as an independently funded student if his father follows through with his threat.

His father would probably have to officially disown him in order for that to happen.

It is all worked out on household income. My DD1 receives maximum student loan so far, plus has also had an array of part time jobs to make ends meet. We do provide support as and when we can (paying phone contract, small monthly cash gift so that we can afford it etc.).

If parents are on a comfortable income though, I think the government actually assumes that they will automatically pay. Some students probably do too, but of course it doesn't always happen.

It's not true that parents have to fund. I don't fund my dd and she doesn't qualify for anything extra.

I've been reading this thread with interest and it's a slight aside, but does no one else find it ironic that students are adults when people don't want to fund them, but to all intents and purposes, they're beholden overgrown children when it comes to student finance? Why is funding actually based on parental income, when, as demonstrated by this thread, so many parents appear not to want to fund (which is obviously their right)? Or can no longer afford to fund as fees are so high now? As a PP said, it is extremely difficult to gain this funding without parental support in some form or another, even if it takes your parents signing paperwork to effectively disown you (as happened to a friend of mine).

Sorry for the derail - but it would be interesting to know what would happen in a parallel universe where funding was either not required or easily accessible to all, regardless of family support.

You can be as uncomfortable as you like floisme, but having not had the opportunity of much financial support or careers advice from my parents (they do help in other ways) I want to make very sure what I'm able to give my children advantages them as much as it can. It is because they're not going to get the opportunity of leaving undergraduate study with only 13.2k of debt like I did that I need to do so. If they were, I could happily leave them to study something that isn't likely to assist them earning their way and put the money towards a house deposit for them instead.

Fair enough. I see it differently that's all.

That was to Jizzy

Of course many parents, even on a pretty good income, could struggle with university fees plus funding their child.

Tuition fees alone are mostly £9k per year now, and may rise further. Then come the student's living expenses. When my DD was in hall during her first year the rent was £136 per week.

It is a lot of money for any family, especially if their student doesn't qualify for a student loan.

It perhaps understandably makes those parents who have to pay through the nose want a greater say in their newly adult offspring's choices, but I still don't think you can force them to go somewhere they aren't happy to go. In the end they must do what is right for them. We can only offer opinions and be there if required should things go tits up.

Really, it is a system that is often unfair on all parties, though that is probably a whole other thread.

I would like to feel able to see it differently too. Personally I attach an immense value to learning for it's own sake. It's just that the wider society I live in doesn't.

My children aren't yet school age, but I expect that we'll have moved towards a US style commercial student loans system by the time they're old enough for higher education. We simply won't be able to afford to pretend the same rules apply to them as did to my generation, any more than those of us born in the mid 80s can delude ourselves that we're playing on the same field as earlier generations when it comes to housing. And we're fairly comfortable off, middle income but towards the top end of that bracket. People with less are going to have to be even more ruthless.