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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let DS not do his homework

141 replies

recyclingbag · 26/01/2016 11:46

DS is in Year 5.

He does well in school and working above levels etc. However his homework is causing difficulty.

He refuses to do it until the evening before it is due. Trouble is, that evening is always really busy. I don't really want them doing homework at the weekends so am trying to get it done before the weekend.

He's having none of it. This week he hasn't done it. Last week he had to do it again as it was clear he'd rushed it. He's very stubborn and telling/forcing him to do things is usually counter productive.

Do I just leave him to sort it out for himself? I'm tempted to say no TV/Ipad etc if it's not done but I also rather he just did it himself. Or make a timetable that we have to stick to.

What do you do? Do you 'make' them do it at certain times?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 26/01/2016 16:06

If homework really wasn't up to the parent to supervise / get the child to do; school wouldn't actually send it home would they? They'd do it in school...
I've never encountered a school yet who claimed responsibility for work done off the premises. Will they come round and put your kids to bed too?

Dreamonastar · 26/01/2016 16:07

I agree with you OP. I don't make mine do anything unless it's real life or death - or close to.

DoreenLethal · 26/01/2016 16:07

I hope I'm teaching children are learning to make the right choices, not follow what I say blindly

But you chose to put your children in that school, with whatever comes with it so IS the right choice to do that homework - surely?

maybebabybee · 26/01/2016 16:08

Christ, my mum didn't pander to us at all, she just didn't see it as her job to stand over us tapping a ruler to make us do her homework. It was part of her job to teach us how to manage our own time.

Worked well, as it happens.

LaPharisienne · 26/01/2016 16:10

My parents never interfered with my homework. If it wasn't done, it was my problem (and it regularly wasn't done).

I went on from my bog standard comp. to Oxford and have been to date (only in a boring, conventional way I'm afraid) successful so a hands off approach doesn't necessarily mean you're storing up problems. If you have to really pressure a child to work, won't they struggle to motivate themselves later on when that pressure disappears?

Just offering a different perspective.

Original poster

recyclingbag · 26/01/2016 16:12

Yes Doreen it is the right choice. I suppose the point of my thread is the best tactics to make him come to the right choice, whether that's making him do it at a certain time, leaving him to face the consequences at school or somewhere in between.

If I wasn't bothered I wouldn't be bothered!

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 26/01/2016 16:17

It is about choice - he chooses not to do it - how making a Roman costume even appears in the curriculum I don't know!!

iwouldgoouttonight · 26/01/2016 16:19

Completely sympathise with it taking 9 hours and basically spoiling everyone's weekend. I don't see any educational gain if this is what it takes. DS does well at school and is in either middle or top sets for all subjects so he is able to do it, and if I ask him about concepts he can explain them, its just the getting him to actually sit down and write it out that is almost impossible.

I'm also interested in how you could 'force' a child to do homework? because after DS sitting there for hours refusing to do it every weekend I'd be willing to try anything

I can see that you can force a child to go to school (and I have had to physically carry DS kicking and screaming to school when he was younger, and the teachers had to prize him off me) but you can't physically force someone to think and write?

If every privilege (all screen time, toys one by one, no friends allowed round, etc) and he still sits there refusing, I would love to know what the answer is! Especially as my DD does homework so keenly and we treat them both the same.

EricNorthmanSucks · 26/01/2016 16:20

Getting our DC to make the right choices is an ongoing process.

They might be ready for X but not for Y. And indeed even if they make the right choices in respect of X at one point, they might stop, particularly during the teen years then out of nowhere take responsibility for Y.

It's just not that linear.

In the meantime, the buck stops with us. Even when we don't want it to. Which sometimes sucks.

Stormtreader · 26/01/2016 16:42

I was exactly the same, and I'm still the same now that I'm an adult, I require the pressure of an imminent deadline to do my best work. Without that, I can sit and try and do it, but my mind will just skitter off, its ten times the effort for little or no output. Love exams, hate coursework.

Some people are just wired this way, It's not that I can't see the sense in "do it early then you can forget it!" but I need that external pressure to really focus. Also made it out of school with 10 A-B GCSEs, got a degree, etc etc so I cant say its really held me back :p

SanityClause · 26/01/2016 16:44

When DS was in infants, he was fairly rubbish at getting his homework done. I used to do all the coaxing and cajoling, and it was a PITA.

Once he reached juniors (7+) something just seemed to click, and he started to do his homework as soon as he got in, in the evening, with no fuss.

His school had a system of de-merits and detentions, and he knew if he didn't do the homework, he'd risk detention.

I would just leave him to suffer the natural consequences of his actions - not doing the homework means getting in trouble at school.

(Of course, you need to back up the school when the punishments are meted out, too.)

OneMagnumisneverenough · 26/01/2016 17:01

I'd support the school and punish at home too because the refusal happened at home

I'd support the school too, but it's really got nothing to do with where the refusal happened.... School gave him homework, he chose not to do it and got into trouble. That's his problem to deal with. It's got nothing to do with pandering either fabrica it's the opposite. It's allowing them to suffer the consequences of not doing the thing they have been asked to do by the person who asked them.

i am perfectly happy to mete out punishments/discipline for things that they have done/not done that I or DH has asked for.

steppemum · 26/01/2016 21:04

iwouldgoouttonight - reading your posts makes me think I am not insane!

i think my ds is a clone of yours!

What I find interesting is that a lot of these homework protesters are bright able kids who are doing well at school, and go on to do well at secondary/post secondary.

Original poster

recyclingbag · 27/01/2016 07:26

Well he lived to fight another day. His teacher was ill so they didn't have to hand it in.

It's now done.

We have talked about it and he's agreed to get it done the day he gets it.

Hopefully he'll stick to it.

OP posts:

dansmum · 28/01/2016 08:12

Explain why it's important...explain it's so important you'll sit with him and buy a bag of homework treats..just for him and you at your ' special'. homework time. Make it your quality time, tell him how good it is and his perspective may soften. He may hate homework because he's struggling and can't tell you. Check stuff out on the internet you both dont know together. In two years he's gonna get homework mebbe every night..so good habits will be established now. Good luck..and stick with the positive attitude..it will pay off!

lljkk · 28/01/2016 10:31

My experience was similar to Iwouldgoouttonight previous post. DS1/DD completely self-organised homework from yr2. Screaming forever tantrums from DS2, starting yr1. Something clicked in yr5 & he started doing it himself without fuss (mostly, hallalullua). Now in yr7 he still needs a lot of support, encouragement & struggles to concentrate, but does get on with it, gets it organised, etc.

What a long hard haul it's been, though. We have some leverage points & punishments if not done, but I don't know how we ever got thru those yrs with difficult DS. Or whether we were nuts to put ourselves thru it.

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