Friend using disablist word to self-describe. Is she BU? And WWYD? (offensive word in OP)

[GoringBit]

Not a TAAT, but prompted by a thread about offensive words, which I don't want to derail.

I've known this friend for a few years; she has various acute health problems, and is registered disabled. We get on well, meet for coffee a couple of times a months, and pursue a shared interest together.

I enjoy her company, but she repeatedly uses a really ugly, disablist word, referring to herself as a xxx. I'm not going to use the word here, as I think it could be identifying (I doubt she uses MN, but it's possible), but it's a variant of spastic. I can guarantee she'll use it at least once whenever I see her (she also uses it in front of my DP and a mutual friend), and if it's a full day together, maybe six times or more. I hate it, it's horrible, and the first time she used it, I commented that it wasn't a great word to use about herself, but she shrugged it off and carried on. I've mentioned it, very briefly, to our mutual friend, who thinks it's done to get a reaction, and that I should ignore it, as she does.

To avoid drip feeding, friend's disability is related to her illnesses, not CP. She is in very poor health; without going into details, she is unlikely to live until the end of this year.

I get that people can self-identify, and I understand why some people reclaim derogatory words, but I just feel that she is BU to use this word, because it's not hers, if that makes sense. That said, I don't feel comfortable about commenting on it again, particularly as her health is so poor, so I've been ignoring it, but am I BU in letting her use this word?

I'm probably overthinking it, but would be interested to know what others think and what, if anything, you would say or do.

Best wishes to you.

I can see why you felt conflicted about this, because that word provokes such a visceral reaction of disgust.

I'm a bit conflicted myself, because I feel both that it isn't her word if she doesn't have CP, and yet I must acknowledge that disablist fuckers aren't that exact with their words, and anyone visibly disabled is going to have heard it applied to them.

I hope the prospects for your friend improve.

For what it's worth, I emphatically disagree with the idea that the general public are too fick to understand the social rule that self-deprecating humour about oneself isn't permission for friends and family to parrot the insults back at leisure.

It's not difficult to grasp; this is basic social skills, on a par with "if someone asks how you are, don't tell them the detailed truth about the D&V you had this weekend". If Anthea uses disparaging terms about herself, she is NOT giving you permission to use the same words.