Friend using disablist word to self-describe. Is she BU? And WWYD? (offensive word in OP)

[GoringBit]

Not a TAAT, but prompted by a thread about offensive words, which I don't want to derail.

I've known this friend for a few years; she has various acute health problems, and is registered disabled. We get on well, meet for coffee a couple of times a months, and pursue a shared interest together.

I enjoy her company, but she repeatedly uses a really ugly, disablist word, referring to herself as a xxx. I'm not going to use the word here, as I think it could be identifying (I doubt she uses MN, but it's possible), but it's a variant of spastic. I can guarantee she'll use it at least once whenever I see her (she also uses it in front of my DP and a mutual friend), and if it's a full day together, maybe six times or more. I hate it, it's horrible, and the first time she used it, I commented that it wasn't a great word to use about herself, but she shrugged it off and carried on. I've mentioned it, very briefly, to our mutual friend, who thinks it's done to get a reaction, and that I should ignore it, as she does.

To avoid drip feeding, friend's disability is related to her illnesses, not CP. She is in very poor health; without going into details, she is unlikely to live until the end of this year.

I get that people can self-identify, and I understand why some people reclaim derogatory words, but I just feel that she is BU to use this word, because it's not hers, if that makes sense. That said, I don't feel comfortable about commenting on it again, particularly as her health is so poor, so I've been ignoring it, but am I BU in letting her use this word?

I'm probably overthinking it, but would be interested to know what others think and what, if anything, you would say or do.

And when I had PND and lost my mind I frequently referred to myself as mental. Still do. Anyone with an issue can stick it up their sanctimonious arse.

I sometimes call myself a crip to my closest friends. I wouldn't around other sick/disabled people because they might find it offensive.

It's a bit like black men reclaiming the n word, some are cool with it, some think it perpetuates negative stereoptypes.

Given that she's not got long to live I would really let it go.

I refer to myself as crippled - I can call myself whatever I want, thanks, it's none of anyone else's business

I have cerebral palsy. I frequently call myself crippled. However, I go mad if anyone calls me a spaz or anything similar, and I would NEVER describe anyone else by this word. Tbh, I think it's kind of offensive to your friend that you "feel the need to get it off your chest." I rather enjoy referring to myself as a cripple because being disabled is a fucking pain in the ass and it's about the only word that fully summarises how frustrating it is.

San Pellegrino is owned by Nestle??!! No....!! That's gut wrenching, weanh. Say it isn't so (sobs... not entirely missing point of thread).

she can use it - other people not so much

My, sadly now departed, friend had a car sticker that said 'raspberry ripple on board' - up to him how he referred to his disability (quadriplegia)

Thank you GoringBit

Oh I like that ghosty (that your friend had raspberry ripple as a car sticker) what a good sense of humour.

God. She's dying. Let her call herself what she wants.

I have Cerebral Palsy, my online gaming name is a slang term that references it and I refer to myself as a spastic on occasion, I'm describing myself not anybody else.

I have CP (which for a previous poster is Cerebral Palsy). I have the spastic type of CP (there are several types) and sometimes I'll say something like "I'm so spastic today" meaning it's worse than usual. If I use it to describe myself in general maybe I'll say spaz. And I use the word cripple and crip. It's really, really common in people with all sorts of disabilities.

A lot of people who don't know me well don't like it. Tough shit, basically. If I say something about being a cripple I often hear "no, you're not." but you know what I am. What gives them the right to tell me I'm not. It pisses me off. Oh and using spastic in the medical sense is often corrected too which makes me laugh when I point out it's literally true.

And by reclaiming those words that people would use to hurt me I take away the possibility of pain and more importantly the power. But that said I would never refer to another disabled person as crip, cripple, spaz or whatever unless I knew them and either knew they were OK with it or they were likely to be OK with it.

I can't be definitive without knowing what the word is (if for example it was the R word I'd really struggle with that) but I think your discomfort is something you need to work on. I think it's probably OK to make a comment along the lines of "I'm never quite sure how to react when you say that." but I wouldn't demand she stop.

You don't "let" people use words. Who do you think you are?
Your terminally ill friend can refer to herself however she likes , its not your business.

Apologies, kitsnicketno offense intended, a combination of reading the other thread and seeing friend tomorrow had me thinking about it, and I knew I'd get some plain speaking here.

For the avoidance of doubt, I'm going to say nothing more about it, not to her, to DP, or to our mutual friend. I'm also going to unclench and appreciate the good stuff with her.

I sympathise and I don't think YABU. I guess the word is "spaz"? If it is, then that is a word I find v v offensive (more that the word "spastic" tbh).

I don't think it is any less offensive to use it to describe oneself.

As you say, though, there isn't much you can do except ignore it, especially if she is unlikely to last the year.

She has hardly a year left in her body and you don't even want to be her the satisfaction of making fun of herself? Kindly be kind to her and let her laugh on herself as much as she wants ffs. I am tired of people here on mumsnet who feel they have to right the wrongs they perceive in others by correcting their language all the time and overlooking or ignoring the whole picture. Give her a break pls. If you cant bear it, why see her?

I have a friend who is a wheelchair user, and through her have met other friends of hers who regularly refer to themselves as crips and spas - ferociously clever, politicised people. They get to self-define, and I'd pity anyone who told them they couldn't.

Interestingly, I was giving a seminar the other day in which I read a passage from a novel which contained the adjective 'spastic' (used in its dictionary sense of moving uncontrollably, not of a character with a disability), and I could hear all the students (first years at university) sort of freeze, appalled. Which heartened me, as I gather variants still get thrown about as generalised insults.

i have seen and talked to people who do it and I found it offensive but once they explained, I understood it was their way of fighting so I ended up giving them a break.

my dd has cp, so I doubt I could be friends with anyone who used that word.
so if you hate it that much either tell her or walk away.(or carry on )

I have a similar condition and wouldnt mention it 6 times a day. how tedious for everyone else.
Plus I wouldnt use a word if I knew it offended people.

Valentine reclaiming a word is not about making fun of yourself.

Tinkly, I think when people know there is little time left, they tried to get courage from laughing at the world in any way they can. So long as she is not using this word for anyone else to ridicule them, I find it very hard to see why using it for herself is a problem. A body is dissolving every single day bit by bit and can't reclaim a word for her personal use only? I think OP has the right to be offended but then OP also has the right to not see her. I think it will grieve the friend a lot if she tries to tell her that this word is offensive. I am almost sure that the dying friend is using it precisely because it's offensive. I mean, that's the least you can do to laugh on what's causing you this much trouble, and of course death.

Dd calls her wheelchair a spaz chariot. She's allowed, your friend is too. A sad situation but glad you are letting the language go.

I think this woman having a year left to live is irrelevant to her choice of language to self-describe. Another person with a disability may make different language choices for different reasons, and argue the the politics of it with her, but I don't think anyone else has any right to wag fingers about 'disablism', any more than I would chide my gay friends for reclaiming 'dyke' or 'faggot' to denote themselves.

But it's really not about making fun of yourself Valentine . Quite the opposite in fact. It's about taking the sting out of words that have been used to ridicule you, so that they can't be used to ridicule you any more.

If she feels the word is (in her head) self-descriptive, then she's perfectly entitled to use it. Sometimes using such a word is liberating.

One of my friends will use the n-word about herself when she feels she done something either wonderful or stupid. Along the lines of "I said to myself, n-word,………….". I've also heard her use it to other African American friends. Her choice and I certainly wouldn't tell her it was offensive to me. And I would never, ever use the word to her, even in an 'affectionate' sense.