Friend using disablist word to self-describe. Is she BU? And WWYD? (offensive word in OP)

[GoringBit]

Not a TAAT, but prompted by a thread about offensive words, which I don't want to derail.

I've known this friend for a few years; she has various acute health problems, and is registered disabled. We get on well, meet for coffee a couple of times a months, and pursue a shared interest together.

I enjoy her company, but she repeatedly uses a really ugly, disablist word, referring to herself as a xxx. I'm not going to use the word here, as I think it could be identifying (I doubt she uses MN, but it's possible), but it's a variant of spastic. I can guarantee she'll use it at least once whenever I see her (she also uses it in front of my DP and a mutual friend), and if it's a full day together, maybe six times or more. I hate it, it's horrible, and the first time she used it, I commented that it wasn't a great word to use about herself, but she shrugged it off and carried on. I've mentioned it, very briefly, to our mutual friend, who thinks it's done to get a reaction, and that I should ignore it, as she does.

To avoid drip feeding, friend's disability is related to her illnesses, not CP. She is in very poor health; without going into details, she is unlikely to live until the end of this year.

I get that people can self-identify, and I understand why some people reclaim derogatory words, but I just feel that she is BU to use this word, because it's not hers, if that makes sense. That said, I don't feel comfortable about commenting on it again, particularly as her health is so poor, so I've been ignoring it, but am I BU in letting her use this word?

I'm probably overthinking it, but would be interested to know what others think and what, if anything, you would say or do.

Spaz chariot is great

Morris, I've got PND (or I suppose maybe just depression now as DS is 14 months old) and I frequently refer to myself as mental (or mentile, qv. John Allison). I'd be pretty pissed off if one of my friends told me not to.

I don't really understand what the issue is. She is referring to herself, not anyone else. I used to work for Scope and know that some disabled people have a funny sense of humour as a kind of coping mechanism that non-disabled people can find uncomfortable. Please just leave her be.

I think your tripping over yourself to be righteously correct that you have forgotten that your friend is living this. Be a good friend and stop looking for reasons why she's not a nice person.

Just be kind to her.

You need to get the fuck over yourself. Everyone has the right to use whatever words they like to describe themselves, and being 'offended' won't hurt you. It might even do you some good - being offended is sometimes a useful slap in the face for the hard of thinking.

she is unlikely to live until the end of this year

You might want to get over yourself. Give her a break fgs. Do you really think given her situation you will be adding value to the time she has left? If it is so unbearable for you, leave her alone.

I think people who decide their finer feelings of what might be 'disablist' in a general (& probably theoretical) sense, are more important than someone's (whom they supposedly care about) right to describe themselves in the few months they have left to live...

Well, they're the same people who write those delightful threads like 'AIBU to throw a tantrum as my DH wants to go to his mothers funeral/final moments/ whatever and its going to effect my life in some way (like, have to get up an hour earlier, or can't go out to a dinner party, or will mean my pfb missing her dance recital etc)

Says the crip who may have very little time left and who knows where my needs come on everybody else's list - fucking bottom of the heap.

Mind you if they manage to avoid me long enough I'll have died and they won't have to deal with my disgusting rudeness in letting my illness intrude on their perfect fucking lives. So bully for them. Let the crip stagger through her last few months.

Perspective. Think about it. Hope you're nicer than the shit heads that can't get away from me quick enough:

Some disabled people reclaim words as a disabled person its not something I personally do. I am assuming she said spaz ? if this word she uses to describe herself then tell her you think its a horrible word and see what she says

The later posters still laying into the OP obviously haven't read her post at 15.54.

Nobody is really laying in to the op tbf I still think she should talk to her friend about it

This is interesting. I have a disabled friend who also refers that way to herself, and I found it discomforting at first. It's good to hear from other disabled people who use the word, and why.

Several people have posted without acknowledging that she said she is not going to challenge her friend and will value the time they have left together.

MiscellaneousAssortment Absolutely.
There is power in words, but it is only a power we give to them. If she wants to use it to reclaim power over her condition, make fun of it or just give a general fuck you to the world. She is being judged by people that are supposed to love her, but decide that their delicate sensibilities are worth more than her feelings, when they cannot feel or understand even a fraction of what she is going through.

You think you have empathy, OP, or that you are worldly. Instead, you are being a judgy pearl-clutcher that is making no effort understanding her. Do her a service and look long and hard into yourself, and see if you can be an actual support, or if you are going to be a further burden on this poor, brave woman.

Bingo!

Sadly you are right, ILS.

And there's another one.

Sorry OurBlanche

Cross post.

My only problem with people saying 'well I'm disabled and I call myself a spastic' is that I then hear other people saying, 'well my friend is disabled and she uses that word so it must be ok to use'

So I do think there is an issue with people reclaiming the word.
I am disabled and have been on the receiving end of some very derogatory terms. It makes me cringe every time I hear one of my disabled friends using the same terms. I think there are some terms that should just be confined to history and disabled people should use the terms for themselves that they want other people to use towards them.

However, for a friend who has a limited time left, I would probably let it go.

I think it's up to her to make her own decision how to describe herself.

However, it could give the impression to some people that those words are therefore fine to use to anyone else with the same condition. And if that happens, those on the receiving end could be offended.

Oh your point proven Ilovesotty with a pp
I didnt mean the op should challange her friend i just said talk to her but the op doesnt want to do that but ordinarily the people with disabilities i know will talk about this

people are not reclaiming the word.
the word spaz is not anything to do with the op's friends disability.
it comes from spastic =CP
so the op's friends is not reclaiming anything, it was never hers.

Well if she was saying it about someone else .Then it would be offensive but what she chooses to say about her self is up to her. She can call herself all the disablist words under the sun, if she likes.She's only insulting herself, which does beg the question. If shes not bothered. Why are you
I mean. I'll call myself fat, but I wouldn't let anyone else do it.

Samcro I think spaz is used pretty generically for disabled people. I don't have CP and I've been called a spaz. I think the word is hers to reclaim.

I don't think the concept of people reclaiming words about themselves, but others knowing not to use them, is that difficult to grasp. I mean black rappers use the n word, it's their prerogative to do so. But as a white person it is very clear to me that it is a word I could not acceptably use about a black person.

I'm not ducking the thread, now at DM's and on my phone with big fingers, so won't post much until later tonight, but wanted to say that I appreciate all comments - I wanted plain speaking, and have had it in spades. That's AIBU, you take the rough with the smooth.

Just a couple of things while I'm here... the odds aren't in friend's favour, but she's getting good medical help, and with luck could have many more years ahead of her. And it's he, rather than she.

I'll call myself fat, but I wouldn't let anyone else do it.
But if you call yourself fat in front of me, you are telling me that it's acceptable to refer to you in the same way.
Would it be ok for another fat person who called themselves fat, to call you fat?

You don't LET or NOT LET other people use particular terms, you either use them yourself and demonstrate their acceptability, or you don't, and challenge other people who use them.