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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PIL won't give us their house...

139 replies

JapanNextYear · 23/01/2016 13:17

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jan/22/my-parents-in-law-have-gone-back-on-a-promise-to-give-us-their-house

TLDR

pIL offered to move out of their lovely house with garden to let family living in pokey flat in London move back to Midlands. How would this have gone on AIBU?

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 23/01/2016 13:54

I do have some sympathy re the presents. You know when you live in a really tiny house and you're bursting at the seams to the point that you can't find space for even a new saucepan without major reorganisation, and kind but oblivious people keep on giving your kids more and more stuff they don't need?
When my kids were small my lovely mil used to give them each a present every day when she came, and would bring stuffed toys not one at a time but a bagful at a time.
There is no justification for the horrible entitlement in this letter but I do understand how stresses over space can build and build.

Stratter5 · 23/01/2016 13:57

I'm somewhat disappointed by the lack of SadFace. The Guardian is no DM :(

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/01/2016 13:57

Particularly nasty how she refers to them as 'these people'. The dil from hell.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/01/2016 14:00

I'm somewhat disappointed by the lack of SadFace

Grin
Yseulte · 23/01/2016 14:00

I was completely mindblown by it.

GruntledOne · 23/01/2016 14:05

I didn't really agree with the advice given to her, namely to go and discuss all this with the in-laws. Given the DiL's entitled attitude, that's a conversation that is really not going to go well. I felt she would be much better advised to have a strong word with herself about having no entitlement whatsoever to the in-laws' house, the in-laws having worked presumably around 40 years or more and thoroughly deserving to live in their own house as long as they want to.

Bogeyface · 23/01/2016 14:07

I can see where the anger came from, assuming that the ILs had offered without pressure from anyone. A promise that would seem to give the DIL and the family a much wanted move and is a perfect solution, that is then taken away would piss me off too. Something like that is a life changer, so to have a change of mind would turn all the plans they have been making in anticipation of the move, upside down.

However, I agree with the agony aunt that instead of being responsible for her own life and lifestyle, she seems to be expecting her PIL to provide it and that is not on at all.

fidel1ne · 23/01/2016 14:10

Grin shall we try and tempt her over here?

AyeAmarok · 23/01/2016 14:11

I cannot believe that's real. I hope that the longer letter has been embellished while cutting it down.

Unbelievable.

How can someone honestly think that!

Hygge · 23/01/2016 14:12

I was just reading this. I knew there'd be a thread already Grin

I really wanted to know who's idea this was in the first place. The DIL and her DH, or his parents.

Either way, the PILs are entitled to have second thoughts, even if they suggested it to their son and DIL.

Sometimes what seems like a good, simple idea can seem very different when you start to look at the practicalities. You would have to be absolutely certain you were doing the right thing before you gave up your home for good, even if you were giving it to your adult child and his family.

For example, what would happen if their son and DIL divorced? Or if he became ill and couldn't pay the rent on the smaller house? Or if he died? Or they decided they hated the Midlands and wanted to go back to London? Or the PILs needed the equity in their home? Or a million other things?

ArmySal · 23/01/2016 14:12

I think it's fake, surely no one is that brazen?

The misspelled 'swop' hurts my eyes.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 23/01/2016 14:13

There must be good odds on her being a MNetter?

fidel1ne · 23/01/2016 14:13

We have provided them with their only grandchildren of whom they are extremely proud, who they have set up regular trust-fund contributions for, and who they regularly spoil with things I would rather they didn’t bother buying.

It must be someone trolling The Guardian Grin

Madbengalmum · 23/01/2016 14:16

Well the complainant is a guardian reader, what did you expect?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 23/01/2016 14:17

really wanted to know who's idea this was in the first place. The DIL and her DH, or his parents

Well the writer says "they had agreed". I would interpret that as the son and dil raised the subject and pils agreed. I bet if pils had offered she would not have referred to the arrangements in a passive sense.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 23/01/2016 14:17

fidel I think you might be right.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 23/01/2016 14:19

The misspelled 'swop' hurts my eyes.

It's not mispelled. It's a perfectly acceptable alternative spelling unfortunately

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 23/01/2016 14:20

I don't think it's a troll. I'm a Guardian reader (more by longstanding habit than agreeing with it these days, but ho hum). It is entirely plausible.

Hygge · 23/01/2016 14:22

I posted too soon.

I can understand her disappointment if she believed they finally had a solution to all their problems being handed to her on a plate, and now it's all fallen through.

But when that happens you can't lash out like this and start saying things like "we gave them their only grandchildren" or "they haven't worked in ten years...my mum still works and contributes to society."

You just can't. PILs have obviously worked up to retirement and own their house outright. They might not be working, but they are still contributing to society. They have paid in all their working lives, they are saving for their grandchildren's futures, they are still buying things and paying for things, and who knows what they do as retirees that may help other people.

You also can't say "we gave them grandchildren" like you did it all for them and solely for their benefit. We had a child because we wanted one, not because our parents wanted a grandchild. I'm sure the writer of this letter was the same. She had her children because she wanted them, nothing to do with giving anybody a grandchild.

So she's had her disappointment. She has to now start to accept it, and consider all the hundreds of reasons why it was probably a bad idea anyway. And accept that her PILs don't have to just hand over their home because it suits her. And look at other ways to get the house she wants in the area she wants, that doesn't include turfing out her PILs and expecting them to be happy about it.

The bit I wondered about most was that her FIL doesn't like confrontation. That could have been a big clue to how this arrangement was made in the first place. If it wasn't PILs idea, they might have agreed just to keep the peace and spent weeks feeling scared about how to go back on it without a big fight with a very angry woman.

GruntledOne · 23/01/2016 14:24

Bogeyface, I would see your point about the anger being understandable if it wasn't accompanied by all that stuff about expecting the in-laws to be grateful to their son and DiL for giving them their only grandchildren, and how they shouldn't expect to carry on living in their own house because they haven't been working for 10 years. I hate to think what's in the bit of the letter which is so staggeringly insensitive that it's been edited out.

thelouisee · 23/01/2016 14:25

Is swop a correct spelling?! No way! Shock

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 23/01/2016 14:27

The Guardian weekend has a long history of people lacking any sense of self-awareness. Julie Myerson's appalling Living with Teenagers for example.

My favourite one was a front page story on the Family section, running on to the second page, by some woman whose world had ended because her teenage son had got a small tattoo on his arm. She actually said it was worse than if he'd got a girl pregnant. I wish I'd kept it.

And don't get me started on the "Man with a Pram" column.

PrimalLass · 23/01/2016 14:27

I can see why she is angry tbh. The in-laws promised the family a better life and have taken it away without telling them, but still want them to move close by. I would lose all trust in them.

memyselfandaye · 23/01/2016 14:29

You lot are a bunch of bitches.

Won't anybody think of the childrens? She wants them to have a nature focused upbringing and clearly that can only happen if the selfish grandparents hand over their house. Grin

Anybody else think the bit about the grandparents buying the kids things that she would rather they didn't, should really say "my inlaws buy them games consoles, mobile phones and tablets, but I would really like it if they gave me the cash instead or put more money in the trust funds"?

PrimalLass · 23/01/2016 14:29

But I wouldn't send a ranty letter to the newspaper.