To hate hiding how odd i am

[Faye12345]

Hello all. Hope youre all ok. I wondered if anyone else hates hiding how bizarre they are? Im in a new job and its tiring because im having to adjust my personality to fit in. Anyone else with me?,

No anger or vitriol- but I do think that there is a difference between "I feel I don't fit in- I find social situations very difficult, has anyone got any advice?" and "all these people I work with are such mindless robots- all they want to talk about it last nights TV- I'm just so different from them, I like books and nature and the higher things of life"

The slight frustration on the thread is because none of the people who say they are 'odd' have either defined what constitutes their 'oddity' (other than some stuff about oversharing or being blunt) or - which I think is stranger - have said anything at all about what constitutes this supposed 'mainstream' ordinariness with which they are supposed to be fitting in. To the people who self-identify as 'odd', and say you try to 'talk in a mainstream way' at work, what exactly are you talking about to fit in?

So much of what constitutes 'normal' is dependent on place, education, social class, job, gender, etc etc. As I said up the thread, I am not at all an unusual person in anyway, and have never considered myself to be. However, in the village I live in now, I am considered very unusual (which baffled me initially), because I'm a foreigner with no previous connections to the place (virtually everyone else grew up here, or has lived here for a very long time), a working mother of a pre-schooler (also not usual locally)with a child with an unusual name by local standards, I didn't change my name on marriage, I'm a writer, a Labour voter (very Tory village), a vegetarian who doesn't have a TV, someone who's lived in a lot of different countries etc etc. Not remotely unusual things in themselves, and in my London circles I was entirely ordinary, but by the standards of here I am unusual.

That doesn't make me 'odd' - and I certainly don't attempt to shoehorn myself into a local norm, based on the behaviour of parents I met at a local baby/toddler group - but I makes me 'odd for here'. I think there's a difference.

This is not about wanting to be mundane – it’s about trying to rub along with people in what you think is a normal way, and then finding they react as if you’re from Mars. And learning over a long time that if you don’t want that reaction (which can kind of wear you down) you have to pull your horns in and not ‘be yourself.’ Even though it’s really hard to understand what it is about yourself that makes people find you so awkward and misfiring.

Yes – that’s totally hit the nail on the head !!! Thank you MadamCroquette

For years, I thought I’d just been unlucky, and really didn’t understand why 80% of the world was so hard to get along with. Then I realised that the common denominator in every awkward situation was me ……… I wasn’t asking much; I just wanted to be ‘one of the team’ rather than feeling like I was the permanent misfit.

Interestingly, I always found older people easier to get along with. I now mix with the 20% who get me. It’s made life far easier.

there's a sense of anger among people who think others are trying to be special and different. Why is it so upsetting? I'm not trying to, but even if I was, why the vitriol? It's like if you are "normal" and find it easy to slot in and say the right things and put people at their ease, you think anyone who isn't doing that has some kind of unpleasant selfish agenda. It's no wonder those of us who do have these difficulties, can sometimes feel so rejected.

I think that the point is that there isn't a group of people "who do have these difficulties" and others who don't. There are just a load of people with different personalities and interests. I'm not bothered if people see themselves as special - everyone is - it's the assumption that everyone else must be part of this big group that knows how to do small talk and is all in it together. That just doesn't describe how life is.

Everyone finds small talk a bit alienating. Everyone finds it a bit harder to get along with people who don't share their interests. Everyone has to adjust their personality a bit at work. Everyone feels a bit shy and awkward now and then. Yes, it's true that some people are more socially able and whatnot, but that just means they're better at navigating situations that are inherently difficult and trying, not that they don't find them difficult.

none of the people who say they are 'odd' have either defined what constitutes their 'oddity' (other than some stuff about oversharing or being blunt) or - which I think is stranger - have said anything at all about what constitutes this supposed 'mainstream' ordinariness with which they are supposed to be fitting in.

It's because in many cases we don't know. We know it's not working, we know we're getting funny looks and being talked about. But we can't work out how to get it right or what's required. It's hard work, baffling and can be lonely. If I could switch on social ease and chit chat and put people at their ease, I'd do it.

All I can say is there's a cognitive gap and if you haven't felt like this, I guess it's impossible to get it. But when people say "yes exactly!" it's a relief because you know you're not actually alone in it.

So much of what constitutes ‘normal’ is dependent on place, education, social class, job, gender

Good point Heavyfrost. Which does give me an insight into my experiences – I suppose I didn’t’ realise til about 10 years ago, that my upbringing was quite middle class. To me, it was just a normal background, as it was the only background I knew! I’ve often suffered because people have been derisive and called me ‘posh’ and made comments about the way I speak – I don’t think I sound like a newsreader but I speak reasonably well. Not my fault, I’ve just adopted the way my parents speak.

My three closest friends have backgrounds like mine, maybe that’s why we gelled? My work mates are a really mixed bunch in terms of background – but they’re kind and non-judgemental, they don’t care about how you speak, or your background, it’s what you’re like as a person that counts to them.

So maybe the world just lacks kind, non-judgemental people? Could it really be that simple?

I think that the point is that there isn't a group of people "who do have these difficulties" and others who don't.

Well in the case of ASD, yes that's exactly what there is.

But whether I'm normal or not - the best thing I ever learnt about social situations, is to ask people about themselves, so that they do the talking. Then you can nod in all the right places (I was always OK at doing that) when they're talking about their children or their holidays. It really takes the pressure off, and once you relax, it all becomes a lot easier.

Well in the case of ASD, yes that's exactly what there is

• but that's not what the thread's been about - people have complained that they can't fit in at work because they are not royalists, or like walks in nature, or read lots and don't watch tv dramas etc. Ie, they have interests which are so "outside the norm" that they don't have anything in common with people in their workplace. If the thread was about struggling with ASD then I think that the responses would be different. And though of course ASD takes you into a whole new ballpark, there are plenty of NT people who are shy or struggle with fitting in or socialising. In fact everyone has experienced that at some point.

I'd say the thread has been about both - there's been a bit of what you describe, and also quite a few people talking about social difficulties etc.

I don't think it's my interests per se that make me unusual, because everyone's interests are different as you say. I think it's that I'd like it to be OK to simply talk about everything and anything, but smalltalk isn't like that.

Yes agree MeetMyCat. I do do that when I remember.

I am slightly different from some although I won't use the word odd. There are lots of people on the thread. So people wanted examples:
I don't drink alcohol
I eat clean/paleo
I only drink water
I go to bed by 10pm
I like Purcell and would never listen to pop music
I don't ever watch any kind of sport

Those are just a few things but they have implications at work - lots of work places have a drinking and socialising culture.

HeavyFrost in my case I couldn't tell you why I get described as weird or misunderstood. Because I don't know. More than one person has said these things and I can create a tumbleweed situation where people stop talking by coming out with something in my way. But I cannot tell you what is odd about me because I don't think there is. But others clearly don't agree.

DG2016, I haven't worked anywhere with regular drinking in the pub afterwards since the year 2000. It's one of the things I missed about Wales when I went abroad, only to come back and see that it's disappeared - at least from everywhere I've worked in the last 6 years (5 places).

I'm doing dry January at the moment, that has no impact on my work. I have a colleague who only drinks water and is in bed by 10 - she's one of the most popular people. I think she listens to pop music, but probably a lot of things from her parents' time rather than hers.

I don't watch any sports either. That does make it harder to join in the small talk, but much easier among women than among men.

"vegetarian who doesn't have a TV, someone who's lived in a lot of different countries etc etc. Not remotely unusual things in themselves"

Well, these things are quite unusual or at least minority interests. Vegetarians are,, what? about 10% of the population, aren't they and more common among young-ish women I would have thought. Certainly not common in the countryside where agriculture is a major source of income. Not having a TV must put you in a group under 10% of the population. The licensing company certainly presumes that everyone has a TV. Living in different countries is also quite a minority thing.