DP wants to work away...struggling to cope

[laurajaneP]

Hello Everyone

DP is ex forces (left many years ago now) and since leaving has always struggled with 'Normal' 9-5 jobs, although he now has a very good job which allows him to be home pretty much every evening.

We have a DD (13Months) and he has mentioned on numerous occasions how much money he could earn doing his line of work in say London or a bigger city...which is very far away from where we live. We are not hard up for money nor is his job at risk he simply sees how much money he could earn and wants to do it so I can give up work and be a SAHM and pay off our mortgage. (I only work PT so have plenty of time with DD as it is)

He knows my feelings on this..i feel it is un necessary and he would miss out on so much, plus I do not want to live away from him Monday to Friday, I am under no illusions if he was at home on weekends he would be tired, wouldn't want to do much and also that once mortgage was paid off he would naturally want a bigger house etc and so I cant see any end to this whatsoever.

Some of you may think im mad to complain but I love him and would miss him terribly, also I do not want to effectively bring up our DD by myself!!

Have had huge argument and now he feels I am being un supportive of what he wants to do and I am feeling very upset as we are just at loggerheads. Don't know where to turn.

Has anyone got any experience of living apart like this? do you think im being selfish for saying this really isn't what I want?

I didn't realise you were not married to your partner. In which case absolutely not till after you are married. It raises a lot of issues as who is paying the mortgate and is the house in joint names. You are very insecure as an SAHM with no income who isn't married and her partner works away. Certainly not.

I'm late coming to this and see that you've agreed it's a no go for now but still thought it might be useful to share our experiences in case it comes up again.

We have this situation - H works in London Mon-Fri and has done for the past four years. It started out as supposedly being for a few days a week so beware that option! Over time it became that he had to stay for a meeting on Friday or someone needed to see him on Monday and voila, suddenly it was full time.

It's really hard. I was very angry and resentful for a good few years and it's only recently I'm finding it easier to deal with. I won't move because he works utterly ridiculous hours and our son wouldn't see him any more than he does now really and I'd be lucky if I got an hour an evening. I find our current set up easier than not knowing what time he'd be home every night, plus we get to keep all our family support and quality of life that we have in the north.

We have had to find accommodation for him and it's costing us a FORTUNE - between that and the train, literally thousands of pounds a month. Because of this he's not earning any more than he was here, but he is getting way better opportunities and longer term job security.

The up side is that DS and I get to spend quite a bit of time in London on weekends (in the end we decided it would be better to buy there rather than have a Monday - Friday let) which is great. However to me this doesn't outweigh the difficulties of being home alone all week and shouldering literally everything to do with our son.

I don't understand why he wants to carry on doing this but since I won't budge either we're at an impasse. It's hard, and to my mind there's not much to recommend it, although we know lots of people who do it.