DP wants to work away...struggling to cope

[laurajaneP]

Hello Everyone

DP is ex forces (left many years ago now) and since leaving has always struggled with 'Normal' 9-5 jobs, although he now has a very good job which allows him to be home pretty much every evening.

We have a DD (13Months) and he has mentioned on numerous occasions how much money he could earn doing his line of work in say London or a bigger city...which is very far away from where we live. We are not hard up for money nor is his job at risk he simply sees how much money he could earn and wants to do it so I can give up work and be a SAHM and pay off our mortgage. (I only work PT so have plenty of time with DD as it is)

He knows my feelings on this..i feel it is un necessary and he would miss out on so much, plus I do not want to live away from him Monday to Friday, I am under no illusions if he was at home on weekends he would be tired, wouldn't want to do much and also that once mortgage was paid off he would naturally want a bigger house etc and so I cant see any end to this whatsoever.

Some of you may think im mad to complain but I love him and would miss him terribly, also I do not want to effectively bring up our DD by myself!!

Have had huge argument and now he feels I am being un supportive of what he wants to do and I am feeling very upset as we are just at loggerheads. Don't know where to turn.

Has anyone got any experience of living apart like this? do you think im being selfish for saying this really isn't what I want?

My husband worked away in the week for many years, and for us, it worked great. I enjoyed the time to concentrate on my own career, him likewise, and weekends were good fun and a break from normal life.

However, the differences were that we both liked the idea, I didn't give up my career, he would have been happy if we'd all relocated to where he was, and he would have taken an equivalent job in our area like a shot!

In other words, it worked for us as there were few other options and it was partly to promote my career.

I don't know why he wants you to be a SAHM on your own most of the week. That is actually more mystifying than him wanting to further his career elsewhere.

There is something odd underlying this, others have suggested it may be to do with Army culture, masculinity or just enjoying time off from family life. Whatever it is- it's not ok for him to effectively stop your career, promote his, and disappear from everyday life!

Seems very Mad Men to me. This would be an absolute no-no for me unless in deep financial trouble. Choosing money/big house over family? Insane priorities. And seems desperate to keep you away from the city using your family ties as an excuse. Alarm bells would be ringing for me. I'm sorry op. X

What happens when he tires of London life and then decides that working abroad is the answer to all his problems?

Will you be expected to shut up and go along with that too?

As you have been tooing and froing with him on this I fear nows the time to sit down and issue an ultimatim

1. remain as you are and he accepts it and gets over himself
2. all move together
3. he leaves. As in you separate. Then he can what the fuck he likes

I can see that in a lot of careers, the next step up does need to be in London, and while the next step up might not be that much more money when you factor in high living costs in SE (particularly if you are running 2 households!), the one after it would be and you can't do that one without the other inbetween.

There is often a logic for doing a stint of 2-5 years either in London or another major city for your career.

There is no logic for the OP not going too. It might actually be excellent for her career too, if they were both earning more it might off set the additional living costs. If he was in a job he found more fulfilling, he might find it easier to settle.

But if his problem is nothing to do with work and everything to do with home, this won't fix it.

Serious chat time.

Also, as others have said, he needs to cost up rail travel (v expensive on a Friday night) and a Mon-Fri let, food (can't eat with you, tends to be more expensive) and other travel/gym.

It has to be a very substantial salary increase to make this worthwhile financially, even if all the emotional side is worked out. A few thousand is certainly not worth it.

Why was BalloonSlayer's post rude?

Frankly, if you haven't got kids yet you're not really in a position to comment on the potential impact on family life.

I think you need to have a serious talk, OP, and really tell him very clearly what you are and are not prepared to change about your living situation.

It's unlikely that anyone will admit (even to themselves) that what they really want is to avoid family life during the week, but you need to tell him how is attitude makes you feel.

A phrase that has come to me recently that you may find helpful, is that you want a partner not a provider. (need to use that one in a serious discussion with my husband, but haven't made the time yet ... long long commute and brings his work home as well ...)

I ended up being sleepwalked into this situation. It wasn't pretty, and I resented dh terribly. Then, in an effort to reunite the family, we moved with his secondment abroad, and when the DC and I moved back a month before the end of the contract he re-signed for a further 3 years. Can you spell d.i.s.a.s.t.e.r.?

There were weeks when I fantasised about divorcing him. And realised that it would make no appreciable difference to our lives.

Very long story short, five years later he is mostly around. Well, out from 6-9.30, but around. Couple of nights away a week he works away. He doesn't know who the DC's friends are, the names of their teachers.

Sorry.that was very me me me.

But unless you want this situation too, it eats away at your self esteem. There is a very particular kind of heartbreak that comes from knowing that the man you wanted to spend your life with would rather sleep away from you for four or five nights a week.

I hope for your sake that if you sit him down to talk that he will listen. I wouldn't like for you to feel as unworthy as I do.

How is

so pleased to have him safely home she won't complain about anything. And if she finds his socks on the floor after he's gone back, she'll have a little weep because she misses him so much...

not rude to anyone who has a partner that works away?

My DB commuted from Tamworth (Staffs) to London for his job for several years and a colleague commuted from Dereham (N. Norfolk) to London every day too. Its amazing how far some people are prepared to commute and still manage to live at home with their families IF THEY WANT TO.

We did it for a while. My husband worked halfway round the world for three months at a time and then was home for a month. Because the job site was remote his food and housing were provided by the company but we had to pay for his flights. He missed every holiday and family ocassion the entire time he had that job. We managed for two years before we agreed it was enough.

My husband has worked away from us (two kids plus me)for a few years now- different countries! he gets to spend a few months with us every year. However the only reason we did this was that we were not having a good relationship before that, and if we had stayed together, we probably would have separated/divorced. If we had been enjoying a good relationship, i would have never put up with it for a moment.

Nope, still not seeing rudeness. It's not actually about you, or anyone whose partner works away.

So he wants to spend 70% of his time avoiding any hands on family life / responsibility and still have his 30% of "Disney Dad", cooked meals, washed laundry and regular sex. Why wouldn't he? It sounds fucking fantastic! Unless of course you're the OP stuck with 100% of the day-to-day grind of life with small children.

OP, he is taking the piss. Everything about this plan makes life easy for him and harder for you.

I don't have experience of it myself. It can work for some people though. But if you don't want that lifestyle being left a SAHM with a baby and husband away all week then your feelings should be taken into consideration. I'd absolutely hate it and wouldn't see the point of being married at all. But everyone is different.

It does seem strange he wants to do this if you don't really need the money. And also the reluctance for you to move with him is a bit of a red flat. Hope things work out. A one year old isn't really being uprooted in the same way as an older child would be by moving.

I agree w/a PP who said that a spouse working away can work. My DH was gone from Saturday evening (after the boys went to bed) until Wednesday evening (just before bedtime) for around 2.5 years. You do get into a routine and in some ways it's easier because everything is 'your way' and you don't have to worry about another parent wanting or doing something different. But we always knew it was temporary and I do think that made it a bit easier. We eventually moved as DH wasn't able to get a job in his field where we were living.

It all sounds a bit 'Don Draper' doesn't it? A flat in the city, the wife & kiddies in a house elsewhere. Does he have friends who are doing this? Do you know how he actually came up with this idea? By comparison, when DH started working away it was because there were no openings in his field where we lived. He took a job away but we were hoping that the market would improve for him where we were living. It didn't and after two years we agreed it was time to move where he was. It was hard on our sons (who had friends, were in school, etc) but in retrospect, it was the best thing we could have done.

I know you have your wedding booked, but if you are at all unsure of his motive in wanting to, in essence, live separately I'd seriously tell him that if he wants to do that then the two of you will need to get married first, before he hares off to London, at the registry office. See what his reaction is.

I didn't find balloon slayers post rude although it did give me a different view of my life minus the hot sex and weeping.

Op there are bigger issues in your relationship that this, where is his head at? Doesn't sound like where it should be.

My life is similar to what balloon slayer describes but the difference is dp is well aware of what I do and how he couldn't work away if I wasn't willing to do this end.

We aren't choosing money or a big house over family but it really is quite black ano white for us.

Work locally, him on 25k. I would be on under 10 with limited childcare options due to. Anti social hours. His commute would cost 400 a month. Out of the house 7-7. Stuck in this two up and two down with the local drug users dealing outside my front door. The children seeing God only knows what and crap schools.

Or

He works away earns four times as much. I'm always here for the children regardless if it's holidays or sick days no child care concerns. Able to save and move into a three bed semi doors away from the best school in the area.

I would have moved in a heartbeat but as he is a contractor he could be in London for two months, Glasgow for 6. It's too much uprooting especially now eldest will be starting school in 18 months.

He doesn't sound like he respects you at all. If I phoned dp tonight and said I'm not happy he would be home. When dd was unwell and it may have needed hospital attention he was packing before I finished the call. He may be miles away but he is still very much here. His priority is giving the children the best life. Including saving so he can take breaks between contracts to spend some quality time.

Sorry that's all a bit jumbled I've never looked at it like balloon slayer put it......

adding; you can still have your wedding. I'm talking about just the two of you going and getting married privately.

So basically he wants to be single during the week in London, and a Disney Dad at the weekends?

And you to be financially (and emotionally) dependent on him? And you're not married?

Get real OP, it's a cliché but he wants the ha'penny and the gingerbread.

'which is very far away from where we live.

Can he not find a job in a city closer to where you live and then at night come home and change diapers and do all the day-to-day stuff that parents usually do?

Mad to complain? You're worth more than that. And your daughter is too.

You are being unsupportive? He is being a tool.

So many red flags I don't know where to start..... :(

It doesn't make any sense does it. Has he got a job in London? Is he aware of the ridiculously high cost of accommodation in London, and the cost of living, transport backwards and forwards. Surely any extra money he made would be eaten up by all the costs of running a second home (well room really as that's all he'd get and the average room is about £1500 per month. Maybe that's where you need to start the discussion.

I am clearly an over sensitive soul

Hope you find a happy medium OP

I don’t have kids and can imagine how this would have a dramatic effect on family life. You’re effectively becoming a single parent and for the sake of what? By the time you take out his rent, bills and travel costs, what material difference is the increased salary going to make?

The forces aspect is interesting; he might be thinking back to it and thinking about the ‘freedom’ he had and all that dosh for nights out of bed, travel etc. Doesn’t work like that in civvy street. He’s unlikely to be living in digs with people all the same age with the same interests where the craic’s mighty and you forget about those at home. The people I know in the forces have RL experience of how shitty it is to be separated from their kids and partner, there’s a constant wish to get re-posted and looking forward to the end point where you can go home to your family every night. Either he hasn’t realised the impact that that has over time, or he doesn’t care.

The fact he’s actively discouraging you from moving with him is a massive red flag. Honestly, it sounds like he’s freaking out over this impending wedding and is kicking back against his own expectation that his life is now going to be desperately dull.

Mrs, your situation sounds very different to the OP's and much like friends of mine where one partner is a contractor with some very specialised skills that take him all over the world, usually nowhere you'd want to visit, let alone bring up children. Add to this that contracts are usually 6 months at a time with only a rough idea of how long any job will actually last, it would be madness for the whole family to uproot and move each time.

This is in stark contrast to the OP's partner who has had acceptable jobs locally but "can't settle". He wants to work away but refuses to consider any more than feasible option that involves the family relocating with him.