DP wants to work away...struggling to cope

[laurajaneP]

Hello Everyone

DP is ex forces (left many years ago now) and since leaving has always struggled with 'Normal' 9-5 jobs, although he now has a very good job which allows him to be home pretty much every evening.

We have a DD (13Months) and he has mentioned on numerous occasions how much money he could earn doing his line of work in say London or a bigger city...which is very far away from where we live. We are not hard up for money nor is his job at risk he simply sees how much money he could earn and wants to do it so I can give up work and be a SAHM and pay off our mortgage. (I only work PT so have plenty of time with DD as it is)

He knows my feelings on this..i feel it is un necessary and he would miss out on so much, plus I do not want to live away from him Monday to Friday, I am under no illusions if he was at home on weekends he would be tired, wouldn't want to do much and also that once mortgage was paid off he would naturally want a bigger house etc and so I cant see any end to this whatsoever.

Some of you may think im mad to complain but I love him and would miss him terribly, also I do not want to effectively bring up our DD by myself!!

Have had huge argument and now he feels I am being un supportive of what he wants to do and I am feeling very upset as we are just at loggerheads. Don't know where to turn.

Has anyone got any experience of living apart like this? do you think im being selfish for saying this really isn't what I want?

I used to work with a lot of weekly commuters. At first it was fine but many of my colleagues did start to have problems with their relationships over time.

Everything was focused on the weekend with lots of pressure for it to be 'perfect'. If there were disagreements it was hard for them to be resolved in the available time.

Many of my weekly commuting colleagues had a hectic social life in the week (an awful lot of heavy drinking went on). They would then be looking for a quiet rest at the weekends. Of course their partners had been home stuck with the drudgery and wanted to do something fun.

Many people found that their family Sundays were affected because they would either be setting off back to work on Sunday night or very early on Monday morning.

I'm not sure willing to move to London is doable for most people from a cost of housing point of view. I can't ever see a Scenario where money is more important than happiness. However it sounds to me like he may be happier away from his responsibilities for most of the week hence the reason he is pushing for that lifestyle.

YANBU, and he's the one being selfish. He isn't considering your wants and that is your problem - this should be a joint decision as it will massively affect your quality of life. He is asking you to sacrifice your needs for his and that is very unbalanced.

Is he really saying ' this is happening, whether you like it or not'? Ask him to be truthful with you; is he going to go whether you agree or not. Then you can at least stop trying to convince him not to and plan what you are going to do.

I would say if he really wants to do it for a couple of years, then you'll all go now, when DD is pre-school, see if you like living in London/the city of choice, and be able to easily move back before school if it doesn't suit you, that way you both get the experience of living in a big City and the opportunities that brings - but if the reason he wants to go is so that he can get away from living with you and DD full time, then you have bigger issues. While she's pre-school there's no reason to be stuck where you are - you are relatively mobile.

It could well be that your DH's problem isn't the jobs, its wanting to just live as a single man (that doesn't mean dating others, but being responsible for his own time and not having to consider anyone else's feelings/wants) and just "visit" you and DD. If the problem is either your relationship or his role as a Dad that's making him miserable, you going too will be a negative for him.

If that's the case, you need to think carefully if your relationship can survive being with someone who doesn't want to live with you - or if you think could do better than someone who is only able to 'cope' with you/family life in small doses.

We are due to be married later this year..all booked

First of all, please don't stop working.

Second, it's not about you not supporting him. What he is saying is that he is unhappy that you aren't accepting something that will have big negative consequences for you (being on your own all week).
I don't think he has any idea of what it means to be at home on your own all week long with a small child. How hard it can be and how isolating. He sees a chance for you to enjoy yourself and do little whilst he is doing all the hard work (and enjoying himself and what is in effect a bachelor life for the week)

Now I would actually ask him to do that himself. Take a week off and be on his own with his dd all day long. You can go away to family for the week. And then do that a few more times at the weekends. All on his own dealing with his dd, the food, the HW etc...
How does he feel at the end of it? Does he feel it's a nice thing to do or actually quite hard work and isolating?

Imo that sort of things needs to be discussed and agreed together.
DH worked away half of the week when the dcs were little. I found it VERY hard work. 1- because they were little and I had no respite (His time away incl some weekends) and 2- because of how isolating it was.
We also ended up in a situation where he struggled to get back into a 'I'm a dad routine' and resented being handed the dcs over as soon as he was back home. He didn't know the dcs routine as well as he would have so dealing with them was MY responsibility only, even at weekends etc etc.
I can see how this could work for other people or with older children (I would have less problem now that they are older for example). But he can't impose his ideas onto you (Nor can you impose yours to him either btw). it has to be joint decision that you are both happy with.

Have you tried to draw p a list of all the positives and negatives for both of you and go through that list too?

How convenient! Now that you have a small child (=a lot of work) he wants to move away and spend 5 days a week as a child free man! I would move the family to London for a couple of years, that could be a great experience for all of you.

But being forgotten at home with a baby and all the housework while he's in a big city, sleeping full nights? No way!

Feels to me that his "vision of himself" as someone else coined, is stuck in Army mode. He sees himself bravely being away from home earning money, being excused by this valiant service from parenting, night waking, potty training for all week, then returning home at the weekend to the poor little wife and child who have missed him sooooo much that he gets an ecstatic welcome and can do no wrong. He has hot sex all weekend with the wife, there is no housework to do as she has done it all during the week while he is slaving away and he gets quality time with his DC who is perfectly behaved because his SAHM wife has been working hard at the behaviour all week.

And if he leaves his socks on the floor? He won't get moaned at because he's been away, hasn't he: the little woman will be so pleased to have him safely home she won't complain about anything. And if she finds his socks on the floor after he's gone back, she'll have a little weep because she misses him so much...

Have you ever read a book by John O'Farrell called "The Best a Man can Get." ? It's very good.

He wants to pretend he is single.

serious chat time - if he wants to go work elsewhere you all go, or your answer is no. See what he really wants from this.

(and you don't need to actually live in London, the Home Counties are full of commuters, you get a lot more house for your money outside the M25 and still shortish commute times)

Or what BalloonSlayer said.

Don't do it. You will start to grow apart over time & if it all falls apart you will have no job & getting a new job when you have small children & no partner at home to share the pick-ups/ drop offs is not easy. Not to mention the loss of earnings & pension over that time. While your children are pre-school it is easy to move. So if he must do it, move with him. And only after you're married.

I wouldn't move or give up work for this man. He doesn't care about your aims or desires, so at some point you may well want that job and nearby family

the guy is a fucking joke

so you get to have less leisure time and independent time to yourself whilst he gets more?

and you have to "beg" him to spend time with his child?

London is great for children and there is so much to do and so many people to meet. but no, that kind of adventure is only for The Men.

fuck that. if he wants to live like a single man he can be one.

Ask him why his wonderful idea is all about positives for him and negatives for you and his children. Make sure you can rebut all his ridiculous ideas.

YANBU or selfish. It sounds to me like he's bored and wants a bit of excitement in his life and how best to do that? Go away for four nights a week, earn loadsa dosh and have a bit of freedom. Sorry. My DH once suggested getting a crash pad in London to use during the week and I laughed my head off and said 'In your dreams mate!'

My dh is based where we live but works off site which can involve being away mon-fri for weeks on end. It's horrible. He misses out on seeing the kids, even though it's usually only an hour between home getting home and kids bath and bedtime. He'd love a 9-5 if it meant being home every day but he can't afford to walk away from a secure job to one where he'll be last in so first out.

It also costs a fair bit and that's with accommodation and a small amount of money back towards food. Unless your dh would be earning 3 times what he's earning now there's no way it will be financially viable for him to work away during the week, paying his own accommodation, food, bills etc and for you to give up work.

I can understand how hard it is for him after being in the forces, it's like a different world in some ways. My dad is ex forces and found it hard changing from 24 years service to a 9-5 job but he got on with it for our family. Your dh is being incredibly unreasonable and as pp have said it would make me wonder whether he was really wanting to have a family life at weekends and living as though he was single during the week.

I'm really sorry, OP, but do you think he is trying to escape family life/responsibilities? Have the best of both worlds, even - family plus single life Mon-Fri.

If this is the case - HIBU. He can't check out of family life 'partially' like this. I've known a few people who had to work/live in London Mon-Fri and gone back for weekends - generally they live in far-off lovely places like Devon or whatever, and are earning a very high salary in London- and it does take it's toll on relationships. It's also fairly exhausting.

I wonder if he has itchy feet tbh. The fact that this is causing arguments is a bad sign - most families with a choice of one working away will discuss it rationally and calmly, and try to come to a solution for the good of their whole family. He doesn't seem to be doing that. He just seems to want to go to London, and he doesn't want you to move with him. Which seems odd to me, and puts you in a rather bad position.

BalloonSlayer has summed it up perfectly.

No way would I let DH do this unless we were totally up shit creek and there was no other option to support our family which there is not in your scenario OP. There would be an agreed time scale too.

Would also be concerned about what 'single' recreational activities would be available.

YANBU and I would be seriously considering his commitment to you and your DC if he thinks this is feasible.

BalloonSlayer- Really, what an unhelpful and plain rude response

OP- we are TTC so no babies yet but OP is forces and works away all week, home 3/4 weekends (or sometimes not at all for a few weeks) Cant comment on this in the perspective of children, but do understand from the view of 'cant handle a normal job'

My OH works very hard in the week but often comes home and still full of beans- really depends on him, I wouldn't say its a'given' that the weekend is a right off. It's something you get used to for sure, I have the opportunity to move right near him if i couldn't do it but would rather not as feel this way of living is routine now and surprisingly couldn't imagine living another way.

is it possible to try anything on a trial basis?

BalloonSlayer has it I fear...

Quite frankly, if all he sees himself contributing to raising his DD is money, he can do that in the form of maintenance while you date a man who wants to spend time in your company.

There is no logical reason for you not to all go for at least a couple of years to see if you like it and cope happily being away from extended family. If he wants an adventure of living and working elsewhere, great - but you come as a package, it's an adventure for you all now, or you split up.

I thought of the John O'Farrell book too.

If DH wants to work in London, and you would be happy to move within an easily commutable distance of London then there really shouldn't be a problem should there?

Except for that DH doesn't want you to move with him. He wants to be alone for five days out of seven. That hardly seems fair.

I have a friend whose DH has recently started working in London (we are north Midlands), and he does stay down there Monday to Thursday. Moving isn't an option for them as their DCs are school age & settled. Friend's career and both families are here etc. I don't think either of them find it easy, but make it work because sometimes a person needs a job and has to go where the jobs are. It's not a set up either would have chosen if they didn't have to though I don't think.

Agree with the PP who suggested costing the idea properly - London is bloody expensive so I'm not sure how he could earn more without it being taken up by rent etc. This might put the issue to rest without a big argument!

If it doesn't and you feel really strongly about having him at home all the time (and it sounds like you do) I would try to explain that you'll miss him terribly, love him very much and that no amount of money could make up for time with him and his time with his children. It's a noble impulse to want to provide for your family, but time and good relations are worth so much more IMHO and I'm not sure men get this instinctively particularly if they're blokey provider types? So you might just need to explain?

If he really cares about having more money, perhaps there are opportunities closer to home for him or you to earn more?

Don't let it become you/family life v his career, tho... Toxic.

OP is the new job a 'security job' i.e connected to the forces?