DP wants to work away...struggling to cope

[laurajaneP]

Hello Everyone

DP is ex forces (left many years ago now) and since leaving has always struggled with 'Normal' 9-5 jobs, although he now has a very good job which allows him to be home pretty much every evening.

We have a DD (13Months) and he has mentioned on numerous occasions how much money he could earn doing his line of work in say London or a bigger city...which is very far away from where we live. We are not hard up for money nor is his job at risk he simply sees how much money he could earn and wants to do it so I can give up work and be a SAHM and pay off our mortgage. (I only work PT so have plenty of time with DD as it is)

He knows my feelings on this..i feel it is un necessary and he would miss out on so much, plus I do not want to live away from him Monday to Friday, I am under no illusions if he was at home on weekends he would be tired, wouldn't want to do much and also that once mortgage was paid off he would naturally want a bigger house etc and so I cant see any end to this whatsoever.

Some of you may think im mad to complain but I love him and would miss him terribly, also I do not want to effectively bring up our DD by myself!!

Have had huge argument and now he feels I am being un supportive of what he wants to do and I am feeling very upset as we are just at loggerheads. Don't know where to turn.

Has anyone got any experience of living apart like this? do you think im being selfish for saying this really isn't what I want?

Unless he is an incredibly talented individual in some domain and earning a fortune it's not going to be cost effective to move to one of the most expensive cities in the world, is it?

Oh I totally agree sorry I didn't mean to hijack was just a bit winded by balloon slayers response that could have been a snap shot of my life if I had hot sex.

It would really concern me that not only does he want to move, he's come up with some fairly spurious reasons why you and your child shouldn't join him. I don't think his desire to move to London is, in itself, a concern. Personally I'm allergic to the concept of living in the south east, but even I can see that wanting to live in London for career reasons is a mainstream and legitimate viewpoint. And that could arguably still be the case even if the extra costs of living there swallowed up any salary increase. If he wants to take the next step on the ladder and that requires a move, it's fine to aspire to that. But if he wants to go, and you've indicated you'd go too, saying he doesn't want you to come and you should leave your job is bollocks.

He doesn't want to be at home full time with his wife and child. He wants a parallel life and to assuage the guilt surrounding that he will lob some tasty cash her way.

Please don't marry this man, OP. He isn't committed to a marriage or you or your daughter in the real sense of the word.

As MrsAntithetic says and FWIW, I'm in the situation BalloonSlayer describes and I didn't find the post rude.

I think what stops SAHM feeling put upon and DH being a "Disney dad" in a working away situation is taking the decision together in the best interests of the family.

As someone in this situation and again FWIW I can't understand anyone choosing it unless (a) dire straits/ lack of other options (MrsAntithetic/Acrossthepond) (b) you don't like each other that much/ you need time to breathe (evelight) or (c) ignorance.

My OH's workplace is littered with divorced men who are single, getting on a bit and who cut fairly tragic figures, men in bad relationships who don't like being at home and men (they're all men) with at least one and often multiple divorces to their name. I'm afraid a lot of the chaps visit prostitutes too, bizarrely, they seem to do this when on their way home to their wives (God knows).

Sorry to paint a depressing picture and I don't want to imply doom is definite if your OH starts working away, I just think it's worth sticking to your guns if you're not keen because partners in different places is at best difficult and at worst really damaging for the relationship IME.

Interesting. I know a man like this. He is ex-forces. The civilian job he now does is extremely dangerous and takes him away out of all contact with his wife and child for a month at a time. More or less a carbon copy of his forces life.

I am fairly sure he 'needs' the job psychologically and not for the money.

There are several men I know who do work away in London, living in a flat all week and travelling home at weekends. I know one who works overseas for months on end and another who works on a an oil rig.

Their respective wives all handle it differently BUT in reality I think it needs two people to agree this is what they want. Indeed, the man who works away for months on end his wife has refused to join him as she does not want to live full time with him but in a sense enjoys her own life and the excitement of seeing him once in a while. The man who works on an oil rig never comes home but his wife flies out to an exotic location (their kids are grown up) and they travel the world on the money he earns and then she comes home to a nice little flat and sees family and friends and enjoys herself in that way until the next trip.

The men who work ad stay in London during the week are generally not in stable happy relationships though. There is a lot of 'playing at being single', drinking too much, client dinners every night, etc. Its not healthy and in some cases I think their wives sort of accept it as long as the playing away is not shoved in their face and he doesn't bring it into the family home and they can enjoy the money, and immerse themselves in bringing up the kids.

All in all I think its not something anyone should do unless it is truthfully a strong relationship and both are happy with it.

Its not workable - My husband works away three days a week and it pus a strain on things. We recognise this isn't sustainable and will have to think of our options at some point.

Sorry, Mrs! I didn't mean to sound like I was having a go, that was my cackhanded way of saying I completely get how your situation sounds massively different (in a good way) to the OP's.

I worked away for some periods of 1 - 3 months and was never happy with it. I missed my wife and it was frankly boring being on my own a lot in the evening. Temptation is to drink and just generally fall into a sort of quasi student life or work none stop because there is nothing else to do.

I have to say it made me quite ill and I never slept well. Psychologically and physically it wasn't good. No way I would do it now we have children.

I know some people have no choice for economic reasons but I agree with others the 'money' is really a justification for what this type of man wants to do anyway.

For some people I am sure its sort of like being unofficially divorced but plastered over with the pretence of a marriage and a sort of 'ask no questions tell no lies' and 'what goes on tour stays on tour' approach.

I really would not think it a sound basis for starting a married life if one or other party does not want it.

I would kill DH if he wanted to duck out of all family evenings/early mornings/night wakings/sick kids etc and left me with the kids all the time. A baby and a toddler are really really hard work. For that alone HIBU.

ABetaDad1 agree (and think my OH would agree) with everything you say - particularly how bad it is for you physically/mentally.

1-3 months is a long stint, too, although we've done longer times away and shorter and not sure which is better - at least with longer time away you get a longer time at home and more of chance you'll actually unwind so your partner can remember you ARE the man she fell in love with before you return to the stress and the grind...

I wouldn't go for this kind of arrangement at all.

Ideally I want my children to grow up in a home with both of their parents.

Dad as a weekend visitor - no thanks.

I don't know about all the other issues raised but re living apart - you do get used to it but it's hard.

We do as he is in the forces but that said he is not the father of my children.

Bonuses are you can do as you please while they are away and get you own routine, eat what you want and when, do as you please in the evenings - watch what you want on telly, read, have friends round. When you see each other you tend to make more of an effort with everything.

Down side you have to do everything, sometimes it's tense when they arrive/leave so you might row, and resentment or mistrust can creep in in both sides.

My DH felt pretty much the same as BetaDad. He missed us terribly and his life was pretty much work a 10 hr shift, home to rented room & ready meal, sleep. Rinse/repeat for 4 days. This was in the days before the internet so all we had were phone calls. He called twice a night. A bit before our sons' bedtime to chat with them for a bit, then again later at mine. Phone bills were horrendous! (This was also before mobiles).

It did take something out of his soul. But it came back once we were all living together again.

Call his bluff.

Show him a job ad that you'd be interested in, in London.
Show him a nice house which you'd be happy to live in, in London.
Tell him how close it is to good schools for dd, and there's a nice looking nursery down the road.
Near a major station where it would ge easy for you to jump on a train to visit family.

Make it all real for him, and show him you mean it, nay, are looking forward to changing your life. Not simply because he wants to live and work in London, but because you do too.

If he refuses, then you know it's just that he doesn't want to be with his family during the week.

Then, you can really talk.

Chances are he won't do that though; chances are he'll decide that he doesn't really want to work away, and perhaps he'll realise how destabilising it is to keep talking about it without hearing or paying attention to what you are actually saying.

I think part of the issue here is that you don't want the benefit (more money) this arrangement would give you so it's all downside.

I think the trade off can be worth it in some circumstances, I work away and it means a job I enjoy, paying 4 times my former salary. Of course I'd prefer a job local to home with the same wage but that's not on offer.

The major issue here is that he doesn't want you to move as well. Have a think about that. Sorry.

Hello everyone thanks so much for all your replies it's really helped me to think about what I wanted to say...got home from work and we've had a good chat. He's apologised, listened to me when I said I wasn't going to stop working and said that he has been really struggling to accept he isn't on the major money he's earnt in the past (pre baby) but he knows he has a great job and he would hate to be away from us all the time so he is just forgetting about it. There was talk of him maybe only working 3 days away if the money was right but we would discuss that of it came up, all in all he has been very understanding and apologetic. He stayed he absolutely would not want to do it to be away from us and to have a 'single life' mid week and loves being here to se our baby (and me of course) every day...he must of felt bad as he then very happily took on a very dirty nappy! Thankyou again for replying sometimes it really helps hearing what you all think x

the 'money' is really a justification for what this type of man wants to do anyway.

This

If you don't want to be a single parent for 4 weeks of every month, then you need to have a serious chat about how you envision your life together. This isn't about money or more security for you and your child, it's about him chasing something and the expectation that you fall into line (God only knows where it will end).

You need to stop treating this as a pipe dream that you hope he abandons once and for all (his persistence suggests otherwise) but rather, a potential major incompatibility that you must resolve before you marry.

Sounds good OP - perhaps he was just "having a wobble" about getting married and having a very different life to the one he thought he would have.

I would say it might be worth exploring all moving if that would help longer term - really at this age for your DD is the easiest for you to explore living/working elsewhere (but both working elsewhere!). Now DC1 is at school, it would be very hard for us to just go elsewhere for 2 years, it would need to be a long term commitment if I was going to take him away from friends and a great school. We have resigned ourselves to being in this area for the next 15 or so years now.

If you fancy doing a few years in London, another city in the UK or elsewhere, now's the time to do it.

Well I'm glad he's seen sense. I expect someone somewhere made him feel bad about how much he earns or boasted about their own salary.

Glad to hear it - you can't put a price on happiness

Good!

It's not impossible, it's not always easy, nothing is. I wouldn't recommend it is a lifelong approach....

It sounds to me though that you both need to get an understanding of the type of family / parents you want to be. Perhaps he has a view that he will be a successful husband / father if he buys a bigger house and 'lets' you be a SAHM? That's not wrong in itself but if it is the polar opposite of what you want, it's going to be a problem. If he's had trouble settling in jobs since leaving the forces he may also be struggling to see his future in terms of career progression etc. so maybe he is just looking at money as a measure of success.

If you can come to a joint view of where you want to be in a few year's time, you can look at the desire to work away from home and decide if it moves you towards that goal.

If he can get a 'better' job and will want to be in another city long term, then it would seem like you ought to aim to move together eventually. But be warned that commuting into London is no picnic - I tend to be happier at the moment if my DH is away for the week than if he's commuting as at least it's predictable! And he still misses out on all the weekday parenting. And you need to think whether the quality of life for the whole family will be at least the same if not better in another location.

If he wants to work away short term to make some money with a view of coming back in a few years, you need to look at whether that REALLY makes economic sense. There are a lot of costs associated with working away - if your work sends you there short term they will cover them as expenses, but if you do it out of choice you've got to cover them yourselves. Think about all of it - rent, bills, food (more than if all family eats together), daily travel, weekly travel back to you. Car? Maybe another gym membership? Extra clothes because when do they get laundered????? The list is LONG. There is also no denying the fact that he will miss out on a lot of good parenting experiences - concerts, sports days, brownie / cub promises, etc. And there will only be a couple of nights of the week available for grown-up socialising with you and / or his mates.

Try to work it through objectively, but I really think you need to have a long-term goal in mind. Otherwise it is way too emotional.

Good luck!

OP you posted an update while I was typing - SO GLAD to see you've made progress together.