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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that I am expected to be frugal whilst DH spends what he likes?

80 replies

ItsNotIt · 18/01/2016 14:30

DH and I both work full time, we have 2 kids. All money is pooled into a joint account, it's all 'our' money.

I can, in theory, buy what I like, but I just get a bit pissed off that DH is always nagging me not to spend too much and saying that anything I want to get is expensive, yet there is no expense spared when he wants something! We are comfortably financially so it is not a financial issue, I feel it is more of a control issue.

I rarely buy myself clothes, make up or anything like that but if ever we are out and I want to get anything, DH will start trying to talk me out of it, or will say that I don't need it and will then walk off. If I want to buy anything major then there is never any chance of that as he feels he can make all the main decisions. Yet when he wants to buy himself something he'll go off and spend £500 or so at one go on things like a new camera!

If I buy something he does not approve of or thinks I don't need then he sulks, even something like a £5 bra from primark. I'm getting to the stage where I feel anxious about buying anything and mentally start justifying things in my head in case I have to explain to him why I got it.

How can I start ignoring what he thinks and buying what I want (within reason?)

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/01/2016 14:31

Yes that is extremely controlling and verging on financial abuse. He certainly doesn't view you as his equal.

Jibberjabberjooo · 18/01/2016 14:32

Have you spoken to him about it?

Original poster

ItsNotIt · 18/01/2016 14:33

I have spoken to him but he says he doesn't do it

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 18/01/2016 14:36

Get a separate account and withdraw your half of the let over free money each month. Or have your wages go into your account and put a percentage o f the bills money based on your income into the joint account. Then buy what you like without his controlly attitude.

Thumbcat · 18/01/2016 14:36

Why do you put up with this? Get your own bank account and pay into a separate joint account for household expenses. I think if you continue to put up with this then he'll continue to act like an arse.

Lucked · 18/01/2016 14:37

Although I am a fan of the joint account perhaps the two of you need some allocated spending money in personal accounts and then larger item need to be agreed.

You certainly need to sit him down and call him in his behaviour and make it clear very clearly that you have had enough.

TheMaddHugger · 18/01/2016 14:38

Totally Abusive

he has you scared to spend you own money

FourForYouGlenCoco · 18/01/2016 14:38

YA obviously NBU. I'm a SAHM, DH is the only earner, we are comfortable but not rich - and he is forever asking if I have enough money, if I'd like a bit more, if there's anything I'd like to buy for myself. He wouldn't dream of moaning at me for buying things, especially essentials (bras, new clothes that I needed, etc).
Your situation seems very very off, lots of red flags waving right now. I'm sure people will be along with better advice than I can give, but please don't think this is normal. It sounds like an incredibly stressful way to live.

TheMaddHugger · 18/01/2016 14:39

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

Yes separate your money into your own account

Lucked · 18/01/2016 14:39

I would be tempted in the meantime to always use cash so he can't see where money has been spent and point out to him that he maintains he has no problem with your spending if he asks about it.

Katenka · 18/01/2016 14:40

Yanbu. At all.

We have a joint account for bills and savings. The rest goes in our own accounts to spend as we like.

Dh isn't controlling with money but did used to sulk. They would deny it. So i tackled it by pulling him up when he was doing it. Rather than ignoring it or bringing up later.

Either separate your money. Or pull him up every time he tries to stop you or sulks. And point out exactly what he is doing.

DoreenLethal · 18/01/2016 14:41

What you need to do is every time he spends £500 [pr whatever] take out the same and then pop it into your account. Then he can't argue can he?

Lucked · 18/01/2016 14:41

I wouldn't split the spending money in proportion to wages - both should be equal and I say this as the higher earner in our house.

SanityClause · 18/01/2016 14:42

Perhaps you could agree to each take "pin money" from the joint account every month, that is for your own personal spending. Then, if you want to buy a £5 bra from
primary, you will be doing it with your own money. As will he, when he decides to buy a £500 camera.

If he won't agree to this kind of set up, then your problems could deeper. But cross that bridge when you come to it.

notquitehuman · 18/01/2016 14:43

While joint accounts are handy for bills, this is why it's often better to have your own separate account. I have an account that's solely in my name, as does DH, and on payday we transfer our share of the bills into the joint account. He buys some stupid shit sometimes, as do I, and this avoids us arguing over money.

Your DH does sound quite controlling though. How would he react if you suggested this sort of system?

SanityClause · 18/01/2016 14:43

*Primark

DYAC!

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 14:45

Is he the type of person that is ok with making big purchases but balks at spending money on every day items like bras? i.e. if you suddenly decided you needed a new car, would he support that?

My husband and I try to talk each other out of buying things that aren't immediately necessary, but it's equal and if the other insisted that they really needed the item, then the other would back down.

If he doesn't listen when you try and talk him out of buying something, and you need that item, then you should tell him firmly that it's your money too and you have the right to spend it.

Arfarfanarf · 18/01/2016 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause · 18/01/2016 14:46

I'm not sure my post was clear. I mean, you could agree an amount to take for personal spends, and each transfer that to a personal account. Then, no one can complain about the other "wasting" money, as you are each spending your own money.

Grapejuicerocks · 18/01/2016 14:51

Ignore and refuse to feel guilty. Easier said than done but he probably doesn't realise how bad he is. He is thinking in terms of what is important to him but you need to spell it out to him what is fair. The guilt is your feeling not his. He doesn't feel guilty when he spends and neither should you.

Spend what you want. Don't feel guilty and calmly say. This is important to me just like the £500 camera insert latest spend was to you. Each and every time.

If this approach causes resentment from him then you have a big issue in your relationship that goes deeper than money.

IAmNotAMindReader · 18/01/2016 14:52

He tries to make you feel uncomfortable about buying things. Make him realise his stupidity by making him uncomfortable about trying it. Stop and say "Really so you don't want me to buy essential underwear, you'd rather I go around with the elastic hanging out of everything and holes everywhere while you spend X amount on Y."
Especially if he does it in public to you, doing it back to him will give him a taste of how embarrassing it is. Then sit down together and reorganise your finances. Have a joint account that everything goes into, that can be the bill account. Then have another for joint savings, this can be for household emergency repairs etc, holidays or just to save etc. Then the rest gets divided equally between you. Then if its not in his account he can't have it and the same goes for you. The cost of children goes in with the bills not out of your account.
Pull him up every time he does it.

ouryve · 18/01/2016 14:55

You need to have words with him and you need to be specific so he can't deny what he's doing. If he keeps denying, even with specific examples, then you need to call him out as a liar.

TooMuchRain · 18/01/2016 14:55

Do you keep track of your finances with a monthly log or similar? It might help you both to see who has spent what on personal things. I just mean that sometimes perception can be skewed by several inexpensive things vs few expensive things and it's useful to start from the facts when you discuss things.

gandalf456 · 18/01/2016 14:56

You earnt it, you spend it. Mine is like this but I've managed to reign him in. I don't know how I did it but listed every big expense he made and said that I did not moan when he bought a guitar he never plays, an expensive jacket, a collection of scalextric cars etc, etc. I think I forced him to think about what he was spending. I also completely ignored him and went out and spent what I wanted, giving him short shrift every time he mentioned it. I also threatened to give up work, saying I might as well not earn my own money since I cannot spend it

Fairylea · 18/01/2016 14:59

This is madness.

We have a joint account for all bills and outgoings. Everything goes in and then we transfer a set and equal amount each to our own single accounts to spend as we wish. I'm a sahm by the way. Dh is better at saving and so currently has £1500 saved in his ! I spend all mine so have about £100! We both get the same each month so it's up to us what we do with it. Could you do the same ?

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