To be annoyed that I am expected to be frugal whilst DH spends what he likes?

[ItsNotIt]

DH and I both work full time, we have 2 kids. All money is pooled into a joint account, it's all 'our' money.

I can, in theory, buy what I like, but I just get a bit pissed off that DH is always nagging me not to spend too much and saying that anything I want to get is expensive, yet there is no expense spared when he wants something! We are comfortably financially so it is not a financial issue, I feel it is more of a control issue.

I rarely buy myself clothes, make up or anything like that but if ever we are out and I want to get anything, DH will start trying to talk me out of it, or will say that I don't need it and will then walk off. If I want to buy anything major then there is never any chance of that as he feels he can make all the main decisions. Yet when he wants to buy himself something he'll go off and spend £500 or so at one go on things like a new camera!

If I buy something he does not approve of or thinks I don't need then he sulks, even something like a £5 bra from primark. I'm getting to the stage where I feel anxious about buying anything and mentally start justifying things in my head in case I have to explain to him why I got it.

How can I start ignoring what he thinks and buying what I want (within reason?)

That is wrong. You both work - you should both have equal personal spending power without guilt, provided joint expenses (in that I include kid related and family related expenses eg cars, insurance, clothes, food etc) are covered first.

As some others have mentioned, we have a joint account for joint spends and personal accounts which our salaries go into (and from which we both pay into joint account). It works for us.

Dinosaur we have a jpint bank account and only that. I've never had any issues like the ones the OP describes. We also don't really have 'different attitudes to money'.
We do have different reactions and it took us a bit of time to sort out something that wouold work best for both us AND would be financially logical but tbh I haven't found it any more of any issue than any of the 100s other things where we've had to find a middle ground.

I do have an issue with having separate accounts and talking aboout 'your' money and 'my' money when you are living as a couple and married. For a start when you think like this, nothing stops one of the partner to run debts up and for the other not to know about it, even though they are actually just as financially responsible.

In the OP's situation, I would be looking at having an account for personal spending so that the situation is much more fair than it is atm. I wouold be doing that IF showing him numbers of his spending vs hers wasn't enough to initiate change in his part.
But the OP's isn't everyone.

I find it interesting to see how judgemental people can be of their DP's spending though.
As far as I am concerned, if he gets REAL enjoyment out of it and it's within out budget (meaning I get to spend money of what I like too) then I don't have an issue.

I have spoken to him but he says he doesn't do it

Surely the answer is to speak to him at the moment when he's just bought the camera or whatever. He can't deny he's done it then.

Or, if he claims that he doesn't question what you buy then, next time he does, point out that that is what you're talking about and take it from there.

I think people can change and learn and do better. Marriage is about growing together and attitudes to money/shopping can change.

My dh has learned to become more generous and not to comment on every purchase but just to nod and say 'yes dear'. I have learned to curb some of my more impulse (and admittedly wasteful) purchases. We communicate a lot and do a lot of our spending together. We consult each other on any big items - in reality we discuss anything over £20.

If he starts trying to go down the road of being miserly I say 'So, Ebeneezer do you want a marriage or do you want to save £20'.

I don't believe in separate accounts - it leads to more trouble. My parents both worked and always had separate accounts - it made it so easy for my dad to have an affair for 20 years and to omit that he had been promoted and his salary had doubled. My mother always found it odd that he seemed to earn about the same as she did.

totally agree with everyone else about both having personal spending money that is yours to do what you want with. I suspect if we didn't do this, I would be exactly like your DH - I'd question every single item my DH bought because I'm very much a "only buying stuff if we really need it and can justify the cost" type and DH buys things (comparatively small in price) just because he fancies them. So I might well buy a single more expensive item, but it would be after careful thought and consideration. Whereas DH will buy a £5 T shirt and I'll just think "you already have loads of Tshirts!!".

it made it so easy for my dad to have an affair for 20 years and to omit that he had been promoted and his salary had doubled.

the easy way to sort this out is to have salaries paid into joint account and then have spending money going out to individual accounts.

And to check pay slips, although a lot of them have gone online these days.

As for running up debts, you can still have your own credit card and run up debt even with a joint account.

however we have a rule that anything above £50 we need to discuss with the other person before spending. Not asking permission, but discussing with regard to affordability and fairness.

I'd find this quite odd. Husband and I have salaries paid into individual accounts. We each pay x amount into joint account each month. If we both have £500 left each month and he blows it on one thing as opposed to buying a few things that's up to him. Not that he does, but as long as the bills are paid, we can spend our money on whatever we want to.

I have spoken to him but he says he doesn't do it

What if you say something at the point when he is saying you don't need it/it's too expensive? He can't say he doesn't do it if he's just done it.

Stop going shopping with him; buy what you want on your own/online/whatever. Spend £500 on something if you want. If he moans, point to something he bought that cost the same or just tell him it's your money too and until he stops spending, he can butt out of what you spend your share on.

Just stop taking shit from him, basically.

RedskybyNight - you sound like me and DH, but the other way round for spending habits!

WoodHeaven - you must have similar attitudes/spending habits or you'd end up arguing, or quietly seething if you were either the 'save up and buy big things' spender being annoyed about yet another new t-shirt/jumper/pair of shoes in the house, or being the 'lots of small purchases' person who finds it bizare that suddenly there's money for a £500 camera/bike thing/new laptop/other 'one off' big ticket item, but not for their 67th £10 lipstick...

It's a bit like whenever there's a designer handbag thread (we're due another one, there's not been one for a while!) - lots of people saying how can you justify spending £600+ on something that's 'just for you' not 'family benefit' - after a while, someone will pop along and explain their Prada bag cost the equivilant of smoking 3 packets of fags a week for a year, or buying lunch at work daily for 2 years rather than take in their own (that sum might be wrong, but you get the gist).

You should each have spending money. I'm a SAHM, DH works, but we each have the same amount of 'spends' into our own account each month. He's been working away a lot recently so I have a good bit saved (5 kids on my own = very few shopping trips or nights out) whereas he (bored evenings in hotels with fruit machines) doesn't have much.

Everything goes into the joint account, bills and stuff for the kids comes out of it and our money is transferred out into our own accounts.

So take action. Open a bank account just in your name. Arrange for your employer to pay you salary into it then transfer an amount for yourh alf of bills , mortgage, child care into the existing joint account and keep the rest to yourself. he cannot legally stop you doing this.

We have separate accounts. Have never had joint accounts. He pays for x, I pay for y. We are both a bit cagey about money and what we have to be honest but I know where all his papers are / bank statements / share certs, etc. And he knows where all my stuff is. He has opened a bank account in my name with enough money in it to cover for a few months just in case ! (His own father died unexpectedly).

We both have a tendency to buy stuff without consulting - my worst offence has been plantation blinds for the entire front of the house and he had a little paddy. I just reminded him about the house he bought without telling me in advance and he had to swallow his humphing.

The only thing you are being unreasonable about is buying Primark Bras. Buy yourself some decent ones and make sure he knows

We have a joint account and allocate money as pocket money into separate accounts for spending on things like cameras and random tops.

Although stuff we 'need' like replacing shoes and underwear when they are past it would come from joint.

Is the OP coming back? I'm becoming very cynical about threads like this...

I agree Mrs Terry.

I might be wrong but I don't think the OP has come back, and I suspect that the real problem with the marriage is that she is subservient to her H, or she would never have let a situation like this develop. She may be afraid or at least wary of him. He is definitely controlling and that's because the OP is allowing herself to be controlled. So I don't think it's about how they divide their money (that's easily sorted) and posters have given lots of advice about that, but something less tangible in the marriage and not good - not good at all.

It would be worth you looking up the YNAB (You need a budget) software tutorials. They will teach you how to keep track of your spending (you and dh) so that you can properly budget. Once you are doing that they you can both have an assigned budget for clothes and treats and you can choose how to spend these yourselves without recrimination.

YANBU this is awful and yes very controlling. He sulks about a £5 bra. I can't get my head round that. I am am not surprised you are anxious. His making you feel that way and its not right. I think you should seriously consider having your own account, with your own money in it so you don't have to justify yourself constantly.

I don't know what each of you earn and put in the joint pot, so not sure how helpful my post will be. DH and I have a bills account which we put money in for all household expenses. The rest we keep in our own account to do as we please with. It was different when I was a full time SAHP (self employed now). DH paid the bills and we had a split agreement on what we each got in our own accounts.

When I was a SAHM and I was for 8 years I bought everything we needed for the family and house. Food, children's clothes, set of mugs, chemist stuff, my makep, dry cleaning, window cleaner, etc. I used to keep a note of everything - had a little box on top of the bread bin and put all the receipts in there. Before dc I was totally financially independent and foul stand the outlay which I think is the only position to start from. Not once did dh ever question my spending although I'm not exactly the last of the big soenders. Once or twice dh said can you go steady this month because x hadn't paid their bill and that was it.

We consult each other on any big items - in reality we discuss anything over £20.

Sandy has there ever been a time where one of you really wanted to buy something and the other was adamant that it was a complete waste of money?

I cannot imagine discussing whether or not to spend £20 with my DH. Or even £50 or £100. How do people get anything done? That smacks to me of people not trusting each other.

BadLad - DH is fine when it is something for myself or the house, but when it comes to buy presents for others, we usually disagree. He likes to get something quite cheap and ordinary (like chocolates etc), but I always want to get something that the person really likes and it always ends up being a bit expensive and perhaps 'more' than is sometimes reasonable. DH has learned that I just enjoy giving gifts to people I like.

BeaufortBelle - it is not a rule that we discuss anything over a certain amount, but we are just careful when it comes to non household spending. We went through a tough time a few years ago where money was so tight, we couldn't spend £5 without it affecting everything. I guess ever since then, we are just careful and we just spend a lot of time together. Couple that with DH being the most indecisive person - he always wants my input!

Agree with Beaufort - although I wouldn't buy something for the house like blinds without checking with DH first as he'd have to live with my choice...

But yes, having to discuss £20 purchases seems odd to me, never just picking up a pair of jeans because youve noticed there in your size in the sale...

I'm actually a SAHM now, DH's wage gets paid into his account, he transfers money over to the joint account to cover bills and family costs (we have an rough budget of around £130 a week for food, household stuff, clothes for the DCs etc, over that we check with the other one there's going to be enough in the account to cover it), he transfers money to the joint savings we've agreed then I get half of what's left put in my account - and if I want to blow it all on one big purchase then have no cash for the rest of the month, that's my business, if I want to save up a little each month then buy myself a big thing, that's my choice too. He's a saver, I'm a spender, we have the same amount so it doesnt cause resentment.

The OP's DH might be controlling not letting her buy a £5 bra. It could be she has 100+ bras and however cheap it is, it feels like a waste of money to him to buy yet another one, even though it's only £5 and she earned it, whereas £500 on a camera when they don't have one wouldn't feel like a waste.

Separate money - either he's controlling and separating out the money will help you step towards leaving, or he's not really, just has different priorities and separate money will help him 'come to terms' with your different spending habits because it's out of your 'fun money' budget.