To be annoyed that I am expected to be frugal whilst DH spends what he likes?

[ItsNotIt]

DH and I both work full time, we have 2 kids. All money is pooled into a joint account, it's all 'our' money.

I can, in theory, buy what I like, but I just get a bit pissed off that DH is always nagging me not to spend too much and saying that anything I want to get is expensive, yet there is no expense spared when he wants something! We are comfortably financially so it is not a financial issue, I feel it is more of a control issue.

I rarely buy myself clothes, make up or anything like that but if ever we are out and I want to get anything, DH will start trying to talk me out of it, or will say that I don't need it and will then walk off. If I want to buy anything major then there is never any chance of that as he feels he can make all the main decisions. Yet when he wants to buy himself something he'll go off and spend £500 or so at one go on things like a new camera!

If I buy something he does not approve of or thinks I don't need then he sulks, even something like a £5 bra from primark. I'm getting to the stage where I feel anxious about buying anything and mentally start justifying things in my head in case I have to explain to him why I got it.

How can I start ignoring what he thinks and buying what I want (within reason?)

It's funny how we're all different - but blinds apart that bra resonates. I do sometimes show him three alternatives if I'm buying curtains and let him chose .

Thanks for replying, Sandy. That wouldn't work for us. I couldn't live with seeing something I wanted for fifty quid or so, but having to wait until I discussed it with my wife. Especially if that meant that if she said "no", that would be the end of the discussion (I appreciate that you didn't say that, but it's how I imagine the situation). I am mostly a saver rather than a spender, and so is my wife, so we just assume the other is building up savings rather than keeping tabs. Both working and having no kids facilitates that.

The only thing I do when purchasing house stuff is text my two or three choices to my OH and ask does he hate any of them and if not then I choose what I want. Same as him when he choosing his vacuums [don't ask] as he is a very keen vacuumer. If that is a word.

When both work then both should have equal say on money, when one works and the other works in the home, both should have equal say on money. That's the point of being in a relationship, surely?

He is controlling and that's not healthy in a relationship

Any extra money left over divide and put in separate account and both can spend on what they like

Does he moan if you spend on house or kids or just yourself?

DH and I tend to discuss most purchases. There's no rule, as such, we just do it. So if one of us finds a book we'd like in a charity shop then we just get it, but if we see a thing which we will both use, is part of the household stuff, then usually there's a quick chat about it.

We recently got a new (second hand) car. This has been subject to nearly two years of small chats, larger chats, internet searches, and saving bits here and there, simply pulling in our horns a bit (so I held back some dosh regularly for two years, such small amounts that they were barely noticeable), and eventually there was enough money, and we knew what sort of car we were looking for, and everything gelled so we got one.

That's more or less how we work. I don't think about who's contributed most or anything like that, and if we'd had to get a new boiler in that period, then getting the car would have had to wait longer.

Our income is not fixed though. We can't rely on any particular sum coming in except my DLA, CTC, WTC and CB, which basically goes on food and maybe contributes to bills.