To be annoyed that I am expected to be frugal whilst DH spends what he likes?

[ItsNotIt]

DH and I both work full time, we have 2 kids. All money is pooled into a joint account, it's all 'our' money.

I can, in theory, buy what I like, but I just get a bit pissed off that DH is always nagging me not to spend too much and saying that anything I want to get is expensive, yet there is no expense spared when he wants something! We are comfortably financially so it is not a financial issue, I feel it is more of a control issue.

I rarely buy myself clothes, make up or anything like that but if ever we are out and I want to get anything, DH will start trying to talk me out of it, or will say that I don't need it and will then walk off. If I want to buy anything major then there is never any chance of that as he feels he can make all the main decisions. Yet when he wants to buy himself something he'll go off and spend £500 or so at one go on things like a new camera!

If I buy something he does not approve of or thinks I don't need then he sulks, even something like a £5 bra from primark. I'm getting to the stage where I feel anxious about buying anything and mentally start justifying things in my head in case I have to explain to him why I got it.

How can I start ignoring what he thinks and buying what I want (within reason?)

Easy solution to this as others have said. Keep the joint account for bills and pay into it in proportion to your earnings. You keep everything else and can spend it how you like. And yes, children's expenses go in the bill account. Not a personal expense. My husband and I are flexible about the latter but we don't have big expenses like nursery fees.

Even if you have a good relationship with each other and about money, eg taking money out of a joint account to buy the other a birthday present seems a bit weird to me. I like to have a bit of money for me.

Alternatively you decide what your contribution will be towards the bills and set up a standing order to your own personal account which is for your own spending money.

Why do you put up with this? Get your own bank account and pay into a separate joint account for household expenses. I think if you continue to put up with this then he'll continue to act like an arse.

Alternatively, split what's left at the end of the month and pay that into your separate account. That way you both have the same amount of spending money. That's the way we do it.

£5 bra no, £500 camera yes?
Honestly, LTB. He's a twat.

The problem with splitting what is left at the end of the month is that it will not stop him from doing big purchases during that month.

I wouold go through bank statements and CC bills and do a sum of how much he is spending and on what over a year. Do the same for you. Clothes, camera and the likes.
Present him with the list and see what he says and if eh can recongnises there is an issue.

RThen either he is happy to be more careful and less nagging because he actually hadn't even thought about it/realised (and some people are totally able to do that).
Or he dioesn't and then I wouold agree to put into the joint account yoiur wage minus xxx (ie the average amount he is spending each month or the what you can afford to have to buty clothes etc... whatever is he highest).
Tell him to do the same.
Buy clothes when you need them form that money, put some money aside as savings etc...
Then let him buy whatever he fancies with 'his' money. (I suspect iot might be less than what he spends atm)

I also second the having 'your own personal budget' each month to spend or save as you choose. Agree a reasonable amount (the same for both of you) and then you don't feel like he's looking over your shoulder when you buy something and he can save his, for his big purchases.

Me and DH agreed a similar system for opposite reasons, that I felt guilty spending on stuff and not being the main earner even though he never made me feel like that and I know I shouldn't have as I was the higher earner pre-DC.

Presumably he'll argue that the camera is a "family" camera even though you had no input into it's choice, weight, usability and he's already binned the box and "put away" the instructions somewhere safe. That sort of thing sends me off the planet !

We pool all our money but have a monthly allowance for spending on stuff for ourselves/birthday presents/nights out by ourselves etc.
A recent review showed that our interpretation as to what should come out of the joint account varied massively though.... Maybe I'm your husband joke!!

Get your own bank accounts.
Joint one covers all bills including food, clothing for kids etc... so make sure it more than covers all of this.
Decide how much will be left and how much you should put aside as savings then the rest gets split 50/50 and put into your personal accounts.
Then you get to spend what you want from that on what ever you want.
Cricket it's not rocket science.
Why do you not stand up to him?
Tell him fuck off once in a while and see how that goes.
As a PP said, go through some bank statements and show him how much he spends.
Every time you spend £5 on a bra and he kicks off say 'Hang on, you said you don't do this but here you are, doing it!!'
Pull him up every time.
Start making a list of what he buys and what it costs.
This is no way to live.
I think you'll find you'll be much better off financially if you kick his sorry arse to the curb!

We have equal 'pocket money' here for spends. Regardless of what each person is earning at any time. However, I think your issues might go deeper. The fact that you don't get a say on bigger spends is worrying.

I think joint accounts are the work of the devil....i have never shared a bank account with a man and never would....with my ex he paid the mortgage and any car related expenses and i paid council tax, electric, oil, water, phone etc etc....he was free to spend whatever he had left and i was free to do the same.

If I want to buy anything major then there is never any chance of that as he feels he can make all the main decisions.

Do you ever challenge him on this? How does he justify this stance?

What about when he goes off and buys a camera or similar - do you ever ask him to justify the spend? Presumably you don't, so have you pointed out to him that it is unfair that he has free hand but feels that you should not?

You are afraid to spend your own money from your own full time job. While all couples need to make sure that spending is sensible and there is enough to support the family, this should be acheived by sensible discussion and not by one partner laying down the law.

It does sound like financial abuse.

Sounds like he doesn't view anything you want as important or worthy. That makes me feel sorry for you op. He doesn't care about you having things you need or enjoy, as long as all the bills are paid amd he gets whatever he wants. He sounds selfish and manipulative. I think you need to seriously discuss this so he gets chance to realise his behaviour is out of order. Fair is fair. If things don't change then separate account time methinks. You work hard for that money, don't let him control you like this.

Admittedly, I don't work, but we have a joint account and I do work my butt off cooking/cleaning/children etc etc.

I have been through this with DH earlier on in the marriage. He had just bought himself an expensive and ridiculous electric drum kit (he has used it about 5 times in the last 10 years) and when I wanted to buy new cushions for the house - he went on and on about wasting money.

I just went into a fit of tears saying I had married a control freak and selfish miser and that I felt like a slave with no equal rights, also that I could do better on my own and that he was worse than my father.

DH cannot handle tears and he even started to cry that he had upset me. I then didn't talk to him for three days. It cleared the air and worked a treat. I was genuinely upset and genuinely crying but I decided to go full 'maligned wife' melodrama and not talking to him gave him time to think what he had done.

I have only cried like that once or twice.

In time he has learnt that I have every right to buy things - and he even encourages me once in while (unless it is a handbag or shoes).

Why on earth does he think "he can make all the main decisions"? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

I wouldn't put up with this for a minute. He is being unreasonable and controlling, and that is just not acceptable in a marriage of equals. I don't think you need separate accounts, but you certainly need equal access to money. And you shouldn't have to justify yourself for buying clothes for heaven's sake.

It's time for a "come to Jesus meeting" as they say in the U.S. south (has nothing to do with religion!).

Mean with money, mean in spirit

Controlling your reasonable spending and not applying the same rules to his own=financial abuse.

There are lots of issues here, agree it is very controlling and it needs to stop, you've had list of good advice.

One thing I will say is dh and I have a joint account, we also have separate curtent accounts, we don't really have enough left at the moment to have 'spending' money each, but when we do we can spend what we what within reason, however we have a rule that anything above £50 we need to discuss with the other person before spending. Not asking permission, but discussing with regard to affordability and fairness.

Something of £500 would either have to be of mutual benefit or on the understanding that the other person would get an equal opportunity to spend such an amount on themselves when something came up.

How can I start ignoring what he thinks and buying what I want (within reason?)

You cant because I doubt your DH will ever change. I could be wrong. So I would seriously consider the future of your relationship.

Every couple I know who only have a joint account come into problems, on a sliding scale between 'financially controlling' and 'different attitudes to what money should be spent on' - yes many on MN think it's the only sensible way, but rarely do 2 people have exactly the same spending habits.

He might be 'controlling' - he might just see value in big purchases and not see value in smaller things.

I would ask to move to a 34 account model - joint current account for bills and family spending, joint savings account and an account each. Either get your wages paid in to your own accounts each and then transfer money into joint current and savings accounts, or all paid into the joint account, an agreed amount goes in the joint savings (which has to be discussed jointly before spent!) and the remainder split between you each into current accounts, no complaining about how it is spent as you've got the same amount.

I would tell him he might not realise how he makes you feel, but you feel like he's acting like he should have control over how both of your wages are spent, not you having an equal say and you feel this will stop you feeling like this.

Every time you feel guilty, step back and remind yourself that he is being the unreasonable one. You have to stand up for what is right and fair. The answer to this is in your hands. He does this because you let him. Make him see how unreasonable he is.

If you stand up to him and it's still a problem then you have bigger problems than money.

He might be 'controlling' - he might just see value in big purchases and not see value in smaller things

Really? The OP gave an example of a bra - you really think its ok for OPs DH to question her buying a bra for herself??

That is dreadful and controlling behaviour. I would find it intolerable.

As for advice about the financial issue (rather than its impact on your relationship in general) - I would go though bank/ credit card statements from last year (or whenever) and create an itemised list and total of both of your 'spending money' purchases.

I would present this to your husband to prove what is actually happening - he is spending wayyy more than you. I would then insist insist a plan to separate your finances (whatever you think would work) so that you both have access to your own spending money.

Is there a past history of overspending? Is there a large disparity between salaries? It feels like you're being punished for something. Which is not on.

Yanbu.

Agree you should each have your own account and spend what you like from it. Joint account purchases of more than £50 or whatever to be agreed

oh and he is unlikely to change in his attitude to spending, either you put up with it, find a way round that he no longer gets to see how you spend your 'fun money', or your relationship ends. DH and I have very different spending habits, I spend a lot more on 'bits' along the way, lots more clothes, make up, coffees out etc. He doesn't spend much day to day but then will spend £500 on just one wheel to use at the velodrome.

If we had just a single joint account, we would probably be constantly arguing when he thought I was wasting money here and there on "crap", me thinking his 'big purchases' were unreasonable. With equal "private money for fun" each month, it stops him commenting on my regular new jumper purchases, and stops me fuming about his rediculous bike hobby spend - we both know we have the same amount over the year that's just how we chose to save it/spend it. Some times one of us will end up making a negative comment about the other one's spending habits, and quite rightly, the other will 'slap that down' with "it's out of 'my' money".

I still maintain £500 on one wheel is obsene and have had to really bite down the urge to say so

This is exactly why DP and I don't pool our money.

We split the rent and bills 50/50 and put that money in the joint account. The rest is our own to spend as we like. So he can buy fags, beer etc and I can go to H&M without needing to justify it to the other.

Next time you want to buy something, and he starts, say very firmly "stop it". When he asks what you mean, remind him that he thinks he doesn't do exactly what he is doing right then.

When he turns up with a ridiculously expensive toy like a 500 quid camera, say "oh, 500 smakeroonis eh? I shall get on the internet forthwith and get that lovely thing I wanted for 350 quid that you made such a fuss about."

His responses will tell you everything you need to know, unequivocally.

Laguna - I can easily see someone who doesn't buy a lot of clothes/underwear for themselves would easily see a thought process of "she already has lots of bras, why does she need another one? It's a waste of money." The OP said he's doing big spends on one off things like gadgets, not multiple cheap clothing purchases. He sees the value in a good quality camera but doesn't see the value in having a variety of cheap clothing.

That's not to say the OP is wrong in how she spends, I'm more "lots of cheap clothes, just use the camera on my very old knackered phone" - my DH buys suits, shirts and ties for work, then will just replace his very limited casual clothes when they need to be binned, not buy additional ones because he fancies a change. Our monthly clothing spend is very different, but then he'll spend a fortune on bike things. I think they are a waste of money, he thinks my overstuffed varied wardrobe is a waste of money. Because it's not joint money and have the same over the year each, we don't argue about it or feel the other one's spending habits impacts on us.