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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not cook the meal he 'ordered'?

117 replies

SassySarahSays · 17/01/2016 23:03

DP is working this weekend. Last night he got ingredients out of the freezer then sent me a message this morning which said 'thought we could have X meal tonight.' This meal takes at least 30 mins prep and lots of attention during it which, with an 11 month old who's clingy during the evening, is far from ideal. He wasn't getting home until 6 and we always eat as a family so cooking once he was home wasn't an option as it would have been too late for the DC.

When he arrived home and saw I'd prepared something else, he looked pissed off and said I'd 'had all day to sort it.' Today looked like this:

8: kids woke, we played, showered, had breakfast, went out to play in the snow and walked the dog.
11: did spellings and homework with the eldest while the younger two played, prepared lunch and put baby down to nap
1: took kids swimming and for bike ride at the park
3: did the weekly food shop, ironed all school uniform
4.30: hoovered entire house, read and played with the dc

It's not as if I've been sitting around all day doing nothing. Aibu to not have cooked the meal he 'ordered' which would've meant leaving the baby to cry intermittently for an hour and being disorganised for tomorrow? (I will use the defrosted ingredients tomorrow when he is not working so can watch baby)

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 18/01/2016 08:45

What was the meal he suggested? Surely a roast is just about the most faffy, bitty, prep-heavy, timing-juggling, messy, multiple-pan-using, attention-demanding meal there is?! Whatever the meal he suggested was, it surely can't be much more of a pain than a roast?

I can get a bit unreasonably miffed when I've been looking forward to a particular meal all day at work, get home and realise something else has been cooked instead.

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/01/2016 08:52

Well he could have helped prep it. and accept that things aren't always possible. .your day does sound busy and expecting a meal that no one else will eat to be rest when you get back is a bit rich. he could use helped when he got home

hover yku have started several threads on MN so if it was a one off and he really fancied it and you wasted the time on here instead then I can get why he was annoyed as I get pissed off at dp for the same sort of thing.

bit if it's is how it is all the time then he's a dick.head and you need to stop enabling him. trust me on that

Moln · 18/01/2016 08:55

Is there back history in posts about this husband?

Because it doesn't sound so bad, my dh might say 'could be have x for dinner tonight?' (Admittedly he wouldn't get the ingredients out before) and I might say 'yes ok' or 'no because I won't have time to prep'.

Obviously if there's been previous posts re the OP's dh being a controlling and uninvolved with his children it's a different matter. But not everyone answering will know that.

Lweji · 18/01/2016 08:56

(I will use the defrosted ingredients tomorrow when he is not working so can watch baby)

Or he cooks it. When you look after the baby snooze on the couch

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/01/2016 08:56

Yes Moln

Catpants123 · 18/01/2016 09:00

I can't see that anything he wanted would have been more fiddly or time-consuming than a roast dinner so how you managed that around three dc including a baby and bikes rides, swimming, playing in the snow, baths and hw I have no idea. Hats off.

I dont see what his contribution is however and judging by your other threads your partner is an embarrassing waste of space.

maybebabybee · 18/01/2016 09:01

I think you probably could have made it but I don't think that is the point, surely? He can't just insist you make a certain meal because he fancies it Confused. My DP might ask for something, but he certainly wouldn't throw a strop if I made something different and we had the thing he asked for on another night.

DoreenLethal · 18/01/2016 09:01

What was the meal he suggested? Surely a roast is just about the most faffy, bitty, prep-heavy, timing-juggling, messy, multiple-pan-using, attention-demanding meal there is?!

Alternatively, read the thread that it was a CURRY and the kids don't eat CURRY so she would have had to cook another meal for them anyway.

But anyway - the husband is an utter nightmare so she needs to end this relationship ASAP.

randomsabreuse · 18/01/2016 09:05

For me a basic family roast is front heavy on the prep with good breaks when nothing is happening while curries are harder to interrupt mid flow and everything happens at the end so I can see why a roast would work better with a child who fusses in the evening. Equally hoovering is more child friendly than cooking a curry - generally hoover with baby in sling but would not cook a curry even with her in a back carry.

That said I would love my DH to make a decision what we're eating for once even if I have to cook it - although he does have to wait if my (only) baby is fussing!

expatinscotland · 18/01/2016 09:06

'Surely a roast is just about the most faffy, bitty, prep-heavy, timing-juggling, messy, multiple-pan-using, attention-demanding meal there is?! Whatever the meal he suggested was, it surely can't be much more of a pain than a roast?

I can get a bit unreasonably miffed when I've been looking forward to a particular meal all day at work, get home and realise something else has been cooked instead.'

Um, no. Roast is just putting stuff in the pan and chucking it in the oven.

Do you order what you want to eat of your partner? Cook it yourself if that's what you want to eat?

MadamCroquette · 18/01/2016 09:06

I'd be annoyed. On weekdays I cook and have tea on the table for when DP gets in - same situation, it has to be then or else it's too late for kids' bedtime. And even though I only have 2 DC and no small babies, it can still be stressful getting it done. I also do the shopping, meal plan and manage the budget - I decide what we are having based on what I can manage to cook that day.

I'd be open to a suggestion or request but getting the stuff out is more than that, it's basically making a decision for you - as proved by him getting shitty when you didn't do it.

If my DP did this I'd see it as him taking charge of the meal and I'd expect him to cook it.

You could communicate though - i.e. reply to his text, "sorry, too much on today to cook that for tonight, so I'll save the stuff for tomorrow."

And I agree OP your day at the weekend should be about fun stuff for the kids and getting essentials like shopping done - that's what our weekends are like too. We usually have something basic for tea at the weekend like pasta and a jar of sauce, because cooking isn't a big priority. It's still food.

GruntledOne · 18/01/2016 09:09

I can't see that it would have been impossible to cook the meal he suggested - you could have done prep while the DC played and left the hoovering till tomorrow - it's easier anyway when the older ones are out of the house. But given that you can do the meal today, I don't see what difference it made to your DH.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 18/01/2016 09:11

Wow, I think you had an amazing day with your DC and got a lot done.
Hope they enjoyed the snow!
His lack of flexibility must be annoying - after all you came up with a perfectly good plan to have the meal the next day and prepared something else for that evening. Perfectly reasonable of you I think. Him, not so much!

MackerelOfFact · 18/01/2016 09:13

Ah, my mistake. Sorry. Didn't see the curry post.

I still can't fathom a roast being easier than a curry, plus pasta for the kids, but our household is half Indian. Wink

Krampus · 18/01/2016 09:16

I wouldn't leave the hoovering, which would create a clean house for eveyone, so I would have extra time to cook 2 meals instead of one because someone had dictated a certain meal that morning. Then I would have the pleasure of fitting in hoovering the next day Confused

SoupDragon · 18/01/2016 09:19

Going by all the posts you've made about your H since you started using this name on Friday, he is a wanker. I gather he was a wanker when you posted under another name too.

TheWomanInTheWall · 18/01/2016 09:21

What's all this about the dp being hungry? She made food!

DH does roast with the kids and gets them involved in basting and stuff. Also how much work it is depends what you do - prepared bought joint in a foil tray, auntie Bessie's and some microwaved veggies - very little work!

Gobbolino6 · 18/01/2016 09:22

His approach would have irritated me beyond belief.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/01/2016 09:24

If you could have left the hoovering and/or ironing to him then maybe you could have cooked the curry and a second meal for the DC. However, I strongly suspect (without knowing the backstory) that your DH doesn't do housework so you would have ended up doing everything plus cooking two meals.

As for those mentioning the poor man working all day Sunday - he has got Monday off so he still has a break from work just not at the weekend.

OnlyLovers · 18/01/2016 09:31

YAB a bit U. For me, thinking of what to eat is the hardest and least appealing part of cooking, so I like it when DP suggests something and I don't have to.
Also, 30 minutes isn't really long to spend preparing a dinner, IMO.

Having said that, seeing as it was something the kids wouldn't eat (why wouldn't they eat it?), he should have suggested what to make for them as well, and/or made it himself.

And I think there are bigger problems in your family judging by this: ' None of them want him to take them to bed and he's not up for trying to change that.'

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/01/2016 09:34

I have now remembered your other thread. This issue is the tip of a very large iceberg. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't see household chores as anything to do with him. This is about so much more that a curry.

Lweji · 18/01/2016 09:35

The OP alone suggests he's a wanker and a controlling one.
He took the ingredients out without consulting the person who'd prepare the meal, told her only by message and the morning after and actually expected her to cook them regardless.

From this one episode I'd have been very surprised of this had been a one off occasion of twatery.

I'd leave the ingredients where they are until he cooks them.

freshcruch · 18/01/2016 09:35

I think it depends on context.

Is he generally bossy and controlling?

If my OH did this I would be OK with it, our I hate rummaging in the freezers, and get fed up deciding what to have for dinner, so in the context of my relationship it would be fine. But my OH is not a controlling man.

CozyLinusBlanket · 18/01/2016 09:41

Good for you OP. I hope that at least subconsciously you avoided it to piss him off. As you say, he was home for 90 minutes with nothing to do but have lunch, he could have done it. He didn't, because he sees it as 'your job'. And if I were you, I'd work on disavowing him of that idea.

There was a thread recently (a troll thread sadly but the point still stands) which was a man in the same situation as yours, not respected by his (fictional) partner, but people were falling over themselves to offer support and advice, and delivering the old 'if the genders were reversed there would be outrage!!' chestnut.

Funny how when the genders aren't reversed people are telling you that you and your dc's should just drop your plans and stay in to prepare a curry for the man of the house, just for him. If you were a man they'd be telling you to walk out of the house when he walked in, and go to the gym...

Lweji · 18/01/2016 09:41

Fresh, I bet if your oh had done this, he wouldn't have been upset if you had prepared something else that was more convenient to you.
That's the clue that he's not exactly a helpful person.