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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not cook the meal he 'ordered'?

117 replies

SassySarahSays · 17/01/2016 23:03

DP is working this weekend. Last night he got ingredients out of the freezer then sent me a message this morning which said 'thought we could have X meal tonight.' This meal takes at least 30 mins prep and lots of attention during it which, with an 11 month old who's clingy during the evening, is far from ideal. He wasn't getting home until 6 and we always eat as a family so cooking once he was home wasn't an option as it would have been too late for the DC.

When he arrived home and saw I'd prepared something else, he looked pissed off and said I'd 'had all day to sort it.' Today looked like this:

8: kids woke, we played, showered, had breakfast, went out to play in the snow and walked the dog.
11: did spellings and homework with the eldest while the younger two played, prepared lunch and put baby down to nap
1: took kids swimming and for bike ride at the park
3: did the weekly food shop, ironed all school uniform
4.30: hoovered entire house, read and played with the dc

It's not as if I've been sitting around all day doing nothing. Aibu to not have cooked the meal he 'ordered' which would've meant leaving the baby to cry intermittently for an hour and being disorganised for tomorrow? (I will use the defrosted ingredients tomorrow when he is not working so can watch baby)

OP posts:
MagzFarquarson · 17/01/2016 23:50

Ooh cross-posts galore.

He sounds like a nob, sorry OP.

Mmmmcake123 · 18/01/2016 00:02

You both sound like you are not getting enough time to communicate properly. I think you need to text more and be more precise e.g, there's no way I'm going to be able to cook it for this evening, we're doing .... So we can have it tomorrow. I'm doing a roast to save on cooking separately for dc

peggyundercrackers · 18/01/2016 00:05

I'm surprised you went cycling in the snow... How does that work?

I don't think he was unreasonable, just sounds organised, you sound a bit passive/aggressive.

Sweetdreamsforall · 18/01/2016 00:14

I must have a good one, because dh would never dream of getting pi$$ed at me for not having time to cook the meal he wanted. I'd be happy to do anything for him if I could, but not because he expected it, or if I knew it would put him in in a sulk if I didn't do it.

This isn't the 50's.

He clearly doesn't know what it's like to run a house and look after kids/a baby properly by oneself. He must think you sit in a hair net eating bon bons and watching the dick van dyke show whilst your children roam the village solving mysteries and drinking ginger beer

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2016 00:28

Never mind cycling in the snow, I'm impressed you took 3 kids swimming including a baby, a preschooler (presumably- no hw).

I can't be arsed to do this much stuff in a Sunday. Do you always do so much, or (just to throw this out there) was it so that you wouldn't have time to make the dinner?

That said, yanbu, my dh would never dare suggest to me what I should cook.

Audreyhelp · 18/01/2016 00:30

Well if he was working I think you should have cooked the meal and missed one of the other things out.

peggyundercrackers · 18/01/2016 00:39

Arethereanyleftatall I wouldn't be allowed to go swimming in my local pool with three kids - the council rules don't allow 3kids to 1 adult ratio.

VaginaRecliner · 18/01/2016 00:41

So in essence he was ordering a special meal just for himself, as you would still have had to cook something else for the kids.

In that case, no reason why he couldn't cook it himself when the kids were in bed!

Cressandra · 18/01/2016 00:41

Kind of a shame he got food out of the freezer for the day of the weekly shop too.

You did get an awful lot done though. Weekly food shop at 3pm on a Sunday with 3 kids was brave, plus all the ironing done by 4.30. You must be a ninja shopper and ironer!

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2016 00:42

Ours neither Peggy. In fact you can't even take 2x under 5's.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 18/01/2016 07:43

YANBU. I know it's bad form on MN but I've just asked my DH, who was also out all day yesterday, 'what would you have said if before you'd gone out yesterday you'd got the ingredients out of the freezer for a curry but came home to a roast'? And he looked a little confused and said 'ooo lovely, thank you'. He said he'd be happy that I cooked for him. I cook for him the majority of nights, but he's still grateful. I think your DH takes you for granted.

PerspicaciaTick · 18/01/2016 07:54

My DH does the shopping and, on the basis of what he finds to buy, the meal planning. I do the cooking. So most meals are DH saying "We're eating X tonight".

Philoslothy · 18/01/2016 07:57

I would have cooked the meal but my husband is not an arse. I would have left your do by now.

Does your leisure centre not have rules about one to one supervision for non swimmers?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 18/01/2016 07:59

I don't think when he's worked all day on a Sunday that it's too much to request a meal he fancies.

If he's taking advantage of her for asking for a curry which doenst take long then she must be really taking advantage of him sending him to work all day on a Sunday whilst she swims and plays in the snow.

HortonWho · 18/01/2016 08:03

Why didn't you just text him and say no time to cook it today, unless you do xyz on your lunch break. Maybe he was more pissed off at assuming you'd cook it (as you didn't say otherwise) and he was looking forward to it all day. I wouldn't have cooked it, btw.

Krampus · 18/01/2016 08:08

When I'm working I expect my dp to do half of the deciding what to eat and making sure we have the ingredients, or defrosting them. So it would be fine if he texted me in the morning to say I forgot to tell you but I got the leftover stew out of the freezer. I'm not working atm but we usually manage to have a quick conversation taking into account any particular requests. If I didnt have time to cook a request, or couldn't be arsed to cook it, he wouldn't think twice about it or strop.

I can't imagine a day, especially when ours were young, when he would have unilaterally decided what I would be cooking that day. No prior conversation, no warning to take into consideration what I was doing that day, or had already planned, what other food needed using up and knowing thay it would mean me cooking two meals. Coming home for 1.5 hours at lunch but not even think about prepping any of the dish. Then walking through the door to sit down to eat a diferent meal, moaning, telling me that I would have had time to cook it ready for when he got home (ain't my boss ), whilst I got on and got the kids to bed Shock

LineyReborn · 18/01/2016 08:11

I presume it was an online shop.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2016 08:15

YANBU. It's not a restaurant.

'Let's have a lovely meal tonight with just the 2 of us and a bottle of wine.'

Yeah, right, in which case that would be ordering a takeaway. Who has a bottle of wine on a Sunday evening with three kids who have school the next day?

2rebecca · 18/01/2016 08:20

Agree I probably would have cooked it but insisted he did housework stuff/ putting kids to bed (they don't get to choose who puts them to bed it's not a popularity contest) etc whilst I did it. I'd rather cook than do childcare after all day alone with kids any way.
I'd do ironing watching TV when kids in bed or get him to do it.
I'd do an easy kids meal for them or milder curry.
It does sound as though you prefer the kids to him as you have had lots of free time.
Sounds as though you need to make him do more household tasks and childcare and insist he puts the kids to bed half the time.

NorksAreMessy · 18/01/2016 08:21

I would have cooked the meal and DH would have been appreciative.
But that is our life, not yours.

Anotherusername1 · 18/01/2016 08:26

I think the OP could have cooked it. She chose to put the kids (and housework) first.

Maybe another day she could put her OH and shock horror herself first. You could on occasion give the kids something else and then cook once he gets home. You're actually very lucky that he's home in time for you all to eat together every day, so the odd day of beans on toast for the kids so that you can have a nice meal once they are in bed is really not going to hurt them but will be good for you.

I have a lovely DH but he gets a bit stroppy on occasion when he's hungry as well. Two days a week he's home early so he cooks. Weekends and another two weekdays are down to me. The other day he has a tin of soup or similar because I go out swimming and he's home late.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/01/2016 08:28

Did you know he had got the stuff out or did he do it then text you from work to make his demands?

It looks like you could have done it but him being pissed off and saying you had all day to prepare it makes him a bigger arse.

redexpat · 18/01/2016 08:29

Poor communication on both sides. I think in his head he said DW please would you cook this particular meal tonight, Id really appreciate it. I think he had been looking forward to it all day, so was disappointed. It could have been avoided by replying to his text with no sorry I dont have time to prep it today, we can have it tomorrow when youre off.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2016 08:35

'She chose to put the kids (and housework) first.'

Because he does none of it. Maybe he can put her first, too, shock horror, and do some of the graft in the home or put his kids to bed.

shovetheholly · 18/01/2016 08:42

I am genuinely shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

If the DH was THAT concerned about having this particular meal, he could have made it himself. I bet he was less tired at the end of his day at work than OP was doing all of that with kids. Throwing a tantrum because you're hungry and didn't get exactly what you wanted to eat is toddler behaviour, not the actions of a grown man. I don't understand this hysteria over food at all.

To me, personally, it's a basic principle of feminist equality that women should not be working 16 hour days taking care of the family and social reproduction, while men work 8 hour days in the office then put their feet up all night simply because they are the main economic provider.

If you need some time together as a couple, I suggest occasionally feeding the kids at six and then letting him cook for you both in the evening.