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AIBU?

To be peeved at DH and DS going out this afternoon.

83 replies

redgoat · 17/01/2016 20:13

I've not been well. I'm a terrible patient so this may be clouding my judgement.

DH and DS watched the football here. As soon as it was finished, got DS to put his jumper on and said they were popping out. Wouldn't say where they were going. (He uses a stupid phrase similar to ' to see a man about a dog'.

They are still not back. DD is upset (and now in bed). I know where they are. They've gone to s local sporting fixture (the joys of being able to check payment pending on a joint account lol).

I'm pissed off. DD was initially worried (she's 8) and now upset they didn't take her. So am I. I wouldn't have wanted to go (I'm not well) but why the fuck not just say and take her?

OP posts:

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ProcrastinatorGeneral · 17/01/2016 22:21

SuperCee you don't see a problem with being a devious sexist cockwomble?

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CheerfulYank · 17/01/2016 22:41

I don't think there's anything wrong with one on one time. But then he should have said "I'm taking DS to x this week and DD can choose where we go next week."

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BathtimeFunkster · 17/01/2016 22:43

One on one time is not really something you sneak off tondo leaving one child with a sick parent.

Unless you are a dick who treats your daughter like the booby prize child.

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MrsKCastle · 17/01/2016 22:48

One on one time can be lovely, Supercee7. But it needs to be fair, so all DCs know that they are loved and that their parents enjoy time with them. Completely wrong to do it leaving the other child wondering what's going on and why they were excluded.

And as for going out and not telling your ill wife where you're going or when you'll be back... I can't find the words for that. DH and I would never go out without saying where we're going. Neither of us is controlling, it's just courtesy in a relationship, especially when you have childcare to consider.

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RubbleBubble00 · 17/01/2016 22:56

I think the problem is more that they didn't tell you their plans. Dh could have quite easily said that today's he's taking ds to this sporting thing and next time it's dd turn. He shouldn't have to take he with ds but he should make it clear that she will get to do something too with just her and dad

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/01/2016 23:00

Doing it when the other parent is ill is knobish,
Not giving a return time is knobish,

Not disclosing location is not knobish he is a grown adult who is capable of making decisions about where to take his child without consulting you.

Leaving one child out is not knobish if he intends on also having treat 1:1 time with the other one and doing so should not need to involve a great song and dance and plan unless 1:1 time is a very new thing.

Do you live in a area that is known for safety issues or does your dd have additional needs? If not she should not be worrying about a grown adult when he leaves the house allowing that to fester is knobish of the adults in her life. It is quite normal for adults to go out with or without other family members it should not be such a cause for distress.

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BertrandRussell · 17/01/2016 23:04

He's in the wrong. No question. But you are both using your children as bargaining chips. You should have glossed it over with your dd because she's only 8 and wouldn't have been worried if you had just said "oh yes, they're off out and'll be back later" And you should have a sandwich for your ds because he asked you to and he's 11.

And when they were both asleep you should have had the "conversation" with you dp about his outrageous behaviour.

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BackforGood · 17/01/2016 23:31

Totally agree with Bertrand
You had no reason to tell your dd where they had gone, other than to stir.
It's not your ds's fault he's hungry.

Yes, if either of you are going out for any length of time you should let the other know where they are going, but I don't see taking one dc to something as sexist. Either dh or I will often take one of our dc to something. It's really lovely to have some 1:1 time, much more so than the stress/ hassle of them being together when you take them out. It all balances out over time.

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KinkyAfro · 17/01/2016 23:42

More importantly, did you make the sandwich?

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BathtimeFunkster · 17/01/2016 23:47

I wouldn't be lying to my children because my DH was a dick.

With a father who likes to sneak off without her, she at least needs one parent who doesn't tell her lies.

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/01/2016 23:52

The really stupid thing is he could have said "Hey let's go to hockey! Mum can have a few hours peace and quiet and get some rest!!" where everyone wins. Yes the OP might feel left out but being a poorly grown up can rationalise it and everyone is content.
But the DH turned it into a mystery, confused OP and left out DD. Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory...

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BertrandRussell · 17/01/2016 23:55

"I wouldn't be lying to my children because my DH was a dick.

With a father who likes to sneak off without her, she at least needs one parent who doesn't tell her lies"

Yep. That's the excuse people always use when they use their children as pawns.

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WilLiAmHerschel · 17/01/2016 23:56

One to one time can be great but the way he went about this being secretive and then excluding your dd is just mean. I'd have been so upset in her position.

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BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 00:02

Asking women to lie to their children to cover up the behaviour of shitty fathers is what the Children As Pawns MRAs like to do.

No, the problem isn't that your father abandoned the family for his new girlfriend, it's that your mother told you about it.

Little girl wonders where father is. Mother tells little girl.

Mother to blame because father has taken son out and left daughter behind.

Father not to blame at all.

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PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 00:03

He could have take them out to do something they all enjoy to give you a break when you're ill!

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SweetieDrops · 18/01/2016 00:04

I've been in your DD's shoes and it sucks. My dad always took my brother to the football at the weekend and I wasn't allowed as I knew nothing about football in his words. Never seemed to occur to him that a female child was just as capable of learning about it if he'd bothered to explain, or maybe male children are born instinctively knowing football rules Needless to say my brother inherited his shitty attitude.

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PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 00:06

Oh and I'd expect an 11yo to make their own bloody sandwich!

Agree 100% with what bathtime said why should OP lie to her DD?

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BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 00:07

Father not to blame at all."

Father is absolutely to blame.

Child should not be carrying adult's emotional baggage. The issue is between the adults.

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PiperChapstick · 18/01/2016 00:08

Bert Bathtime's comment was sarcastic and you're both 100% right - I can't quite believe posters her are saying the OP is shit stirring!

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BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 00:10

I would expect an 11 year old to b able to make his own sandwich too. But if my 11 year old was coming home very late and texted me to ask me to make him something to eat, I would.

And I would do it for my 11 year old, even if I was very anger you with his father. I oouldn't say, in words or actions "your father has been a git, and in order to show him he has been a git, I am going to refuse to look after you"

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Eminado · 18/01/2016 09:04

Bert the OP didnt say anything to the son about the sandwich

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BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 09:16

"Bert the OP didnt say anything to the son about the sandwich
confused"

She must have done. It was her ds that did the phoning and she said that after the call they both knew that she was pissed off. The children have been brought into an argument that is nothing to do with them. They are 11 and 8. Not appropriate at all.

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BathtimeFunkster · 18/01/2016 09:21

So an 11 year old mustn't know that his mother is not OK with his father treating her and his sister like shit?

Much healthier for him to think that sneaking out if the house away from the women and then phoning for a sandwich on your way home is acceptable.

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BertrandRussell · 18/01/2016 10:00

I think that the OP needs to have separate conversations with her ds and her dp. She has no idea what her dp said to their son about the trip. She needs to talk to her dp first. Then she needs to have a conversation with her ds based on what comes out of that.

The sandwitch is completely irrelevant. If it was an outing everyone was on board with, then ringing on the way home saying "please can I have some food when I get in" is fine. It was only an issue because the outing was an issue.

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 18/01/2016 10:26

BertrandRussell - no, it's not 'fine'. I remember being taken out on 1:1 trips without my siblings. All through the day it was 'don't tell them we did this, don't mention we ate that, they'll get jealous and I won't take you again'. The lad should not be dragged into parental arguments, but at 11 would/should also know through instinct that sneaking off with dad in the afternoon, without sister is a bit unfair. Then ringing/texting his ill mum asking for a sandwich when his dad, I'm sure, would be more than capable of making one when they arrived home. I agree with other posters, the son needs to know that being vauge about where you're going is not ok. He's on the cusp of becoming a teen and this is not the attitude he needs to learn right now - nothing wrong with him seeing his dad being pulled up on it (and how he treated your daughter today, which was quite mean).