To be peeved at DH and DS going out this afternoon.

[redgoat]

I've not been well. I'm a terrible patient so this may be clouding my judgement.

DH and DS watched the football here. As soon as it was finished, got DS to put his jumper on and said they were popping out. Wouldn't say where they were going. (He uses a stupid phrase similar to ' to see a man about a dog'.

They are still not back. DD is upset (and now in bed). I know where they are. They've gone to s local sporting fixture (the joys of being able to check payment pending on a joint account lol).

I'm pissed off. DD was initially worried (she's 8) and now upset they didn't take her. So am I. I wouldn't have wanted to go (I'm not well) but why the fuck not just say and take her?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I agree Hearts.

[Eminado]

Well said Hearts

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I think children seeing a healthy amount of disagreement and even heated discussion between their parents is a good thing. Seeing some conflict, seeing each parent stand up for fair treatment of themselves and the kids, and seeing the resolution teaches children all sorts of valuable lessons:

• you should stand up for yourself
  
• you should not put up with being treated like shit
  
• people who love each other can disagree and still love each other
  
• a disagreement does not mean the end of a relationship
  

So no I don't agree with hiding everything from the kids and "not involving" them in family disagreements / discussions. I don't think it means you (generic you) are using them as pawns or whatever.

[BackforGood]

Methinks there are a number of posters projecting their own experiences onto this question, and twisting what has actually been said.

[LagunaBubbles]

Op why did he say he didnt take your DD?

[redskybynight]

Not saying where he was going = not fine

Taking just DS = fine, provided of course he is taking DD to next week's match :)

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Everyone in our house gets told when they are behaving like a prat; the kids, DH, even me

I would certainly be telling both my kids that their Dad was out of order. I would expect him to acknowledge the fact, then we all move on from there and plan something nice to do as a family.

[Eminado]

^

Agree with post above.

Dont agree with you Bert, sorry.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

BertrandRussell - no, it's not 'fine'. I remember being taken out on 1:1 trips without my siblings. All through the day it was 'don't tell them we did this, don't mention we ate that, they'll get jealous and I won't take you again'. The lad should not be dragged into parental arguments, but at 11 would/should also know through instinct that sneaking off with dad in the afternoon, without sister is a bit unfair. Then ringing/texting his ill mum asking for a sandwich when his dad, I'm sure, would be more than capable of making one when they arrived home. I agree with other posters, the son needs to know that being vauge about where you're going is not ok. He's on the cusp of becoming a teen and this is not the attitude he needs to learn right now - nothing wrong with him seeing his dad being pulled up on it (and how he treated your daughter today, which was quite mean).

[BertrandRussell]

I think that the OP needs to have separate conversations with her ds and her dp. She has no idea what her dp said to their son about the trip. She needs to talk to her dp first. Then she needs to have a conversation with her ds based on what comes out of that.

The sandwitch is completely irrelevant. If it was an outing everyone was on board with, then ringing on the way home saying "please can I have some food when I get in" is fine. It was only an issue because the outing was an issue.

[BathtimeFunkster]

So an 11 year old mustn't know that his mother is not OK with his father treating her and his sister like shit?

Much healthier for him to think that sneaking out if the house away from the women and then phoning for a sandwich on your way home is acceptable.

[BertrandRussell]

"Bert the OP didnt say anything to the son about the sandwich
confused"

She must have done. It was her ds that did the phoning and she said that after the call they both knew that she was pissed off. The children have been brought into an argument that is nothing to do with them. They are 11 and 8. Not appropriate at all.

[Eminado]

Bert the OP didnt say anything to the son about the sandwich

[BertrandRussell]

I would expect an 11 year old to b able to make his own sandwich too. But if my 11 year old was coming home very late and texted me to ask me to make him something to eat, I would.

And I would do it for my 11 year old, even if I was very anger you with his father. I oouldn't say, in words or actions "your father has been a git, and in order to show him he has been a git, I am going to refuse to look after you"

[PiperChapstick]

Bert Bathtime's comment was sarcastic and you're both 100% right - I can't quite believe posters her are saying the OP is shit stirring!

[BertrandRussell]

Father not to blame at all."

Father is absolutely to blame.

Child should not be carrying adult's emotional baggage. The issue is between the adults.

[PiperChapstick]

Oh and I'd expect an 11yo to make their own bloody sandwich!

Agree 100% with what bathtime said why should OP lie to her DD?

[SweetieDrops]

I've been in your DD's shoes and it sucks. My dad always took my brother to the football at the weekend and I wasn't allowed as I knew nothing about football in his words. Never seemed to occur to him that a female child was just as capable of learning about it if he'd bothered to explain, or maybe male children are born instinctively knowing football rules Needless to say my brother inherited his shitty attitude.

[PiperChapstick]

He could have take them out to do something they all enjoy to give you a break when you're ill!

[BathtimeFunkster]

Asking women to lie to their children to cover up the behaviour of shitty fathers is what the Children As Pawns MRAs like to do.

No, the problem isn't that your father abandoned the family for his new girlfriend, it's that your mother told you about it.



Little girl wonders where father is. Mother tells little girl.

Mother to blame because father has taken son out and left daughter behind.

Father not to blame at all.

[WilLiAmHerschel]

One to one time can be great but the way he went about this being secretive and then excluding your dd is just mean. I'd have been so upset in her position.

[BertrandRussell]

"I wouldn't be lying to my children because my DH was a dick.

With a father who likes to sneak off without her, she at least needs one parent who doesn't tell her lies"

Yep. That's the excuse people always use when they use their children as pawns.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

The really stupid thing is he could have said "Hey let's go to hockey! Mum can have a few hours peace and quiet and get some rest!!" where everyone wins. Yes the OP might feel left out but being a poorly grown up can rationalise it and everyone is content.
But the DH turned it into a mystery, confused OP and left out DD. Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory...

[BathtimeFunkster]

I wouldn't be lying to my children because my DH was a dick.

With a father who likes to sneak off without her, she at least needs one parent who doesn't tell her lies.

[KinkyAfro]

More importantly, did you make the sandwich?