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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and Birthdays

39 replies

Freddiethefirefly · 16/01/2016 22:11

AIBU...... It's my birthday this week, not a significant one. I have been with DP 10 years and after the first one or two, I realised he wasn't really 'into' birthdays. ( my first birthday with him,he got me a clock and my 40 th, a pen)......I am not materialistic( they have been the only two gifts as we are usually broke)

However, I am hurt that on my birthday he finds it funny to not even wish me a happy birthday and pretend he has forgotten....he won't do anything with the children, they are 2 and 4, so I shall make a cake with them, as they love birthdays.

I know...a real first world problem, so now I expect nothing but am sad, especially when he will make jokes about it....

OP posts:
Diggum · 16/01/2016 22:21

That's actually really mean.

I'm generally very relaxed about birthdays/anniversaries etc. (small gifts for birthdays, don't really mark anniversary) but not even to wish you a happy birthday or help the kids do some cards is really shitty.

Plus I've chosen not to be interested in certain celebrations, for myself, but I'd like to think if they were important to me DH would step up, as I would for him.

Your DH needs a proper word about this. It's very unkind.

RubbleBubble00 · 16/01/2016 22:28

My dh is the same as his family never bothered. U sat him down and told him what I expect on birthday - card, small present - depending on how broke, dinner brought or.made by him. He's done well so far esp.since kids arrived

Quoteunquote · 16/01/2016 22:33

If it is important to you,sit him down and gently explain it to him, that you require him to think carefully about what he knows about you, and find gift that reflects this, as well as take the children to choose something from each of them to give you, as it means a lot to you.

He may well be frightened of getting it wrong, so avoids doing anything. ask, communication is key.

Personally I hate anyone getting me gift, as I feel I have everything I want/need and hate anyone robbing me of the chance to get myself anything I require and hate unnecessary tat , after 24 years with DH, he never buy me christmas or birthday presents, but will buy me odd items if he comes across a special vintage item/ book /art he knows I would love.

Original poster
Freddiethefirefly · 16/01/2016 22:46

Thank you Diggum, Rubble and quote for the advice and kind words!

OP posts:
hellswelshy · 16/01/2016 22:52

Well I would feel like you. My oh doesn't care much for birthdays but I do and so do my dds! Give and take, he should make an effort even if its a little cake etc.

Baconyum · 16/01/2016 22:54

What does he expect for his birthday?

Fratelli · 16/01/2016 22:59

That actually sounds really nasty!Flowers and Cake for you. Nobody should need to be told but it sounds like you may have to tell him. I think it's nice for the kids too. A homemade card and homemade cake by him and the kids is best imo as kids love that!

TendonQueen · 16/01/2016 22:59

It's really not asking a lot for someone to recognise your birthday, at the level of saying happy birthday, doing something you enjoy with you to mark it, and even getting an inexpensive but thoughtful present (or even just a present!) Don't feel it is unreasonable to ask for this from someone who loves you. Sit him down and say you've decided you've kept quiet about this for long enough and it would make you very happy to have XYZ done on your birthday. You said it was this week - if it's not yet happened, talk to him ASAP. Don't waste a single birthday more feeling silently sad about this.

Wineandrosesagain · 16/01/2016 23:09

Agree with PPs; tell him how you feel and what you would like him to do (and it's not too late for this year's birthday - he can still get you a gift/bake a cake etc just a day or so late). Also, children do love birthdays and will be excited to be involved. Doesn't have to cost much money. Do you buy him gifts? If he doesn't sort something out for you then I'd stop buying him anything.

Though to be honest, I would think him very mean (especially the bit about 'he thinks it's really funny' - WTF? - and not doing anything with the children). Sounds like a bit of a twat actually.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 16/01/2016 23:13

DH did this - so I ignored his birthday and he got upset!!

Now does card s kids gift and a cake!!

It can be improved!!

Happy birthday btw -

KinkyAfro · 16/01/2016 23:28

I hope you return the sentiment when it's his birthday

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2016 23:36

"on my birthday he finds it funny to not even wish me a happy birthday and pretend he has forgotten"
Finds it funny? That is pretty shit behaviour.

Original poster
Freddiethefirefly · 17/01/2016 12:54

Thank you all, yes, I have asked him years ago, that a card and maybe to out for a meal would be nice( pre kids, and per being broke).

He just doesn't do birthdays, planning etc, and I shall just pull back on his, which is difficult as children especially love making cards, cake etc....

I shall suck it up....however...thank you all. Xx

OP posts:
Gliblet · 17/01/2016 12:59

Oh sod that, get involved with the kids making your birthday card, cake etc. Do it the day before and they can give them to you on the day.

It's up to you then how much effort you make for his birthday but personally I would let the kids loose with as much glitter as you can afford and send them in at dawn to 'celebrate'...

Katenka · 17/01/2016 13:16

Dh family don't do birthdays.

However he knows my family do and at least makes an effort.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 17/01/2016 13:48

FreddietheFireFly - YANBU and No I don't think you should " suck it up ". This lack of attention/consideration will send a message to your DC that this is ok, so it depends what you want them to learn.

At their ages anybody's birthday is exciting and an opportunity to go to town. Your 4 year old would love to help prepare a breakfast tray. Your favourite breakfast with hot drink, home-made cards, small gift(s), possibly flower(s) cut from the garden , if you have one ,in a tiny vase ( although not many flowers at this time of year, so they could be brought) .

Breakfast and hugs in bed with the children. Birthday gets off to a good start.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 17/01/2016 13:49
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TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/01/2016 14:00

So he thinks it is funny to ignore your birthday and yet you are only now considering cutting back on his? I would completely ignore his and see if that changes his attitude! He has got away with terrible, hurtful behaviour because you have done the 'not make a fuss' thing - stop right now!
Your children might enjoy the whole birthday thing but they also need to learn that everyone in the family gets treated well and thoughtfully - that is a really good lesson for them to learn.

Original poster
Freddiethefirefly · 17/01/2016 16:26

Thank you all....
Yes I am going to create a lovely day and make pancakes, get the children making cards, and buy myself some daffodils( my 4 year old DD would like it all to be a surprise, so I have told her it shall be as I won't know when these things shall appear.

BreakfastatStephanies and TheGood EnoughWife, that is a good point, I don't want the children learning bad behavior/ habits....

Xxxx

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 17/01/2016 16:34

When it's my/dh's birthday we get each other a card and then buy cards for the kids to give the other too. Token presents are also given. It doesn't have to be much but i would expect something. Don't let him get away with giving nothing, mean spirited git!

TendonQueen · 17/01/2016 16:45

I'd consider going out somewhere with the kids too, possibly with other family members and/or friends. Plenty of people enjoy birthdays and would be happy to meet up for a modest celebration. Let's see how he feels when he realises fun is going on that doesn't involve him (I wouldn't invite him since he doesn't do birthdays, however much you might want to).

I also wouldn't do anything for his birthday in future. Kids can enjoy making cakes on any given day. As it is, you're reinforcing the idea for them that he deserves treats when you don't, and that only mothers think about and plan for birthdays.

dementedpixie · 17/01/2016 16:47

We normally go out for dinner to celebrate a birthday and the birthday person gets to choose the venue.

Original poster
Freddiethefirefly · 17/01/2016 17:05

Good idea... My daughter is at pre school from 12-3..... I think we shall pack the buggy and go for a train ride to town for a round of babycinnos!

Thanks all, I have a great day planned.....💐🎂☕️

And yes....twat springs to mind...my 40th, I was heavily pregnant and we had a massive fight, as I has so ungrateful for the pen I got......he made steak and chips at 23.30 that night.....however my birthday card was homemade and wonderful....Who buys their wife a pen?..... Yes I was ungrateful ....just sad that's the best he could do....anyway, no presents before or since due to funds.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 17/01/2016 17:12

I am sure he could afford a bar of chocolate or some other cheap token gift.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/01/2016 17:41

It really doesn't take money to feel loved and cared for!

So many ways he could make an effort for your birthday if he really wanted to.