To Question SILs Dramatic Demand for DH...

[RockinHippy]

To get to MILs house up to an hours drive away "right now" as she is "dying" & then when DH doesn't instantly jump & get there in half that time, rings back screaming at him that the paramedics are "only keeping her alive until he gets there"& having a go as he hasn't left

Surely they would have rushed MIL straight to hospital when they arrived just after MILs neighbour first called them & SIL?? SIL lives much closer than us on quieter roads, so was there in 10 minutes

I feel awful questioning & yes I am worried for MIL, she is ill, does have serious health problems, but SIL has form for doing this. Huge panic & say MIL is dying & DH needs to get there NOW & MIL is ill, needs hospital, but is okay. Sometimes they haven't even taken her in, just stabilised her breathing.

I get that SIL is worried, I get that she lives very close do maybe gets annoyed that she bares the brunt & MIL though lovely, can be difficult. But SIL hasn't yet made any allowance for our own situation, it's just snap fingers & gets very angry if DH doesn't jump (both DD & I ill/disabled, DD currently in a wheelchair & I really needed DHs help today ) & I resent that she seems to want to stress him out as much as possible & then have him driving to get there. If it was the first time, maybe I would be more understanding, but we've had this several times over the last 6 months or so

SIL also rang to have a go at him about something else last night, again irrational ranting, accusing him of leaving something in their storage facilities for over 3 years, when it's not even close to that long, they offered the space for as long as needed & they really do have plenty of space & it isn't in the way. So I'm of a mind that she is feeling unstable in some way at the moment & letting her irrationality tip over & taking it out on DH - then I worry that my instincts on her over dramatics might be wrong & feel bad for MIL

Just to add always thought it a bad thing if the paramedics hang around. Very little personal experience, but only seen it when the person was too ill to go to hospital and needed treating at the scene first. Might not always mean that though.

Op if it was your mum would you stop for a bowl of cereal?

Yabu. He had a bowl of cereal first?? Before establishing whether it was serious or not? Yes sil has cried wold before but one time it will be serious and imagine how he'd feel if he was casually eating a bowl of cereal when she died rather than rushing to see her

TURN sometimes if the person is elderly and death is little more then hrs away an advanced paramexic may stay to manage meds until a nurse arrives and allow the person to die at home. If the person needs meds like a nebuliser then they may stay and administer that and check for improvements then move the patient to hosp where they are at risk of being left to wait or pick up an infwction. Treating the elderly is not always the same as treating a younger person esp if they are DNR and are safe and comfortable at home with approptiate care. But yes paramedics/ambulance there means serious

You can't say 'it was an emergency or the paramedics wouldn't have been there' or that OPs DH shouldn't have eaten before going when you don't actually know what (if anything) was wrong with her.

My mum had a fit last week. Dad called a Neighbour, and the neighbour called the paramedics. By the time I heard, my mum had come round and the paramedics were making her have a cup of tea and a sandwich before taking her to hospital. She stayed in for 4 days but was discharged with no firm answers. She's now fine.

MIL was blue lighted to hosp this week. The paramedics thought she was in need of admission and SIL was in a complete panic state. The hosp discharged her the next day with a 'no diagnosis/anxiety attack' on her notes.

I went to see mum the day after she was discharged.
DH won't see MIL until March.
Neither of us is in the wrong.

Paramedics being there doesn't necessarily mean it's an emergency it just means someone's phoned an ambulance. I see paramedics at calls every day that are by no stretch of anyone's imagination an emergency.

BillSykes, the mere fact that someone had called an ambulance doesn't automatically make this a crisis. After all, some people call the ambulance if they twist their ankle.

I think what is important about this is the "cry wolf" effect. If someone is in the habit of raising false alarms, or making out that something is more urgent that it is, it is inevitable that you will learn not to stress yourself out by dropping everything and running as soon as they call. Plus, making several high-adrenaline dashes across the country to non-existent crises is exhausting and dangerous. It doesn't matter how much stress the sister is under, constant false alarm calls are not the way to deal with it.

I think a "cry wolf" analogy is unfair. SIL is not a medical professional - ambulance is there, her mom has serious medical concerns/breathing instability.....she is the one who's there and it looks and feels serious to her. Presumably she also had to drop everything and presumably she also has important things going on in her life, would rather be doing something else with her day, yes?

it's easy to take advantage of the sibling that lives nearest. I don't know that OPs DH does, but in these situations it can be very unfair and unbalanced physically and emotionally.

It's a difficult situation all around at the end of a parents life. Hopefully OPs DH can have a hear to heart and gain an understanding of what's going on for his sister.

I've had paramedics out twice in the last month (once for me - not called by me, once for ds1). Mine very definitely wasn't an emergency - it was a caution after being in a riding accident where I landed heavily on my back & had numbness - I was able to drive myself home afterwards - back is still numb though. Ds1's was more of an emergency & usually would have resulted in hospital admission, although that was delayed in his case for other reasons - we went the next day). In ds1's case I was stuck on a train at the beginning of a 3 hour train journey so dH had to deal with it until I got home. Paramedics being present means the people around are worried - not that the situation is necessary life or death.

SIL sounds a panicker and as if she's not really coping alone. I would agree with looking at ways she can be better supported until your DH can realistically get there - he's not on the doorstep & weather may be bad for the next few weeks.,Maybe also look at more support for you/your DH so he isn't pulled in every direction.

FixIt, the SIL said the paramedics were only keeping their mother alive till OP's DH got there. On the face of it that's highly unlikely, and in fact it sounds as if it's nonsense, otherwise OP would have heard about it. She also has form for several false alarms when the paramedics haven't even needed to take their mother into hospital. So it is a cry wolf situation. The fact that the SIL is there and has possibly had to drop everything won't be alleviated by her brother turning up.

If the poor man had just woken up after not enough sleep and hadn't eaten in who knows how many hours (and do we all know whether he has any health condition himself, such as diabetes, that might make it crucial he doesn't fast for so long?) he won't do his mum any favours by rushing out of the door and possibly coming over faint whilst driving. How much good would it do the old lady's health to hear her son had had an accident? How will he rush over next time if the car is totalled or even, heaven forbid, he suffered an injury himself?

I also think people are missing the bit about the OP having had a heart attack - it isn't the preserve of the elderly, you know - so possibly being more acutely ill than MIL, even though MIL's life expectancy may be worse in the longer term. DH is being torn in all directions here. And there you are berating him for grabbing a snack before belting out the door on what may turn out, for all he knows, to be another false alarm. One of the first rules of first aid, or air crashes, or pretty much any emergency situation is that you take care of yourself before you are in a position to take care of anyone else. He did that. Doesn't make him uncaring, just sensible.

OP I used to be in the same position as DSIL. Many a time I jumped out of bed and dashed out the door without food or even a cup of tea. I had done this alone for over a decade and it does make one into a total nervous wreck. To find out that the sibling(s) will not even get themselves into gear is totally infuriating. The children of an elderly person should all have equal responsibility for the parent and not leave it to one (adult) child. It may be that the DSIL knows of people who have become ill as a result of being left to care for the parent singlehandedly and is greatly concerned.
While I realise that the OP and DD are not in the best of health but there are others who get their act sorted instantly and get there to support the elderly person. If you cant manage without DH should his DM and or DSIL need him you should have an emergency plan if DH has to leave to see to DM or help and support DSIL. As a PP said plans need to be made ie. a bag ready to lift and run with food and spare clothes etc. I had that.
Just think how the DSIL feels, she has to deal with everything on her own no wonder the poor woman is frazzled. What will the OP and DH do if the SIL has a heart attack or stroke with all the stress of care of the DM and the lack of input by OP and the DH! It is a thought to be considered. It would be tough if the DM lost DSIL and was brought to OP house to be cared for.
I just cant understand how anyone could sit calmly eating cereal after such a call. Do OP and DH have any heart?

It's not always that easy if you are already a carer. Ds1 requires 2:1 care at all times. This is provided by myself & DH with limited respite. Things are meant to be changing (ds1 has been 2:1 for 6 months now) but the increased package keeps being put back (was meant to start this month, will be around easter now). Thankfully dh's parents are currently healthy (long may it continue) - especially as they live a flight away - but if not DH could not just dash off at a moment's notice because ds1 also needs him. It just would not be possible. And no we couldn't just get in additional help - if we could we would have it now.

The DH in this case sounds as if he is already needed a lot at home - and if the OP just recently had a heart attack/heart issues medical advice would presumably not be to just man up & get on with it.

Clearly SIL needs more support but expecting that to come from her brother may be unrealistic. If that's the case they need to look at alternatives (wherher it's more support for SIL or more support for OP & DD)

Bouquets - the OP had a heart attack last week - another reason why maybe her DH can't just dash off.

OP - people don't tend to be reasonable when a family member is ill. Also people who are seriously ill are anxious, they panic and stress. Thats how life works . You've had good advice here anyway..but your line of thinking on this isn't fair

Your MIL is ill, she won't be around forever the time will come when all this isn't even an issue. & it shouldn't be an issue for you now. This is mother daughter and son, the dynamic of it all may not suit you but you could certainly be more understanding of that. Its likely your DH can fight his corner perfectly well without you breaking down every minute detail of why you feel SIL is unreasonable. No, she isn't reasonable - she is under stress, faced with coping with and losing a parent, so please cut her some slack

Aside from that I don't get some comments on this thread. Some sound as if they're suddenly medical oracles when the illness involves an elder in-law and can decide they are crying wolf - almost as if marrying someone means you are joined at the hip and means you must have a say in or try to take over every situation that involves their family. God alone knows why.

OH's mum has illness scares sometimes Im "hmm" about it but I step off and mind my own business. He can deal with most aspects of it I don't want to be there as some sort of assessor "but is she really THAT ill?", as if him rushing off to see her on these occasions will somehow crash my world down. I think people love to "compete and win" against other family too much..even when the other party doesn't even realise its a competition.

I don't think you like or approve of your SIL very much, comes through in the detail you've given so yes, take your stuff out of her garage then she won't have that to go on about will she. Makes sense.

the OP had a heart attack last week - another reason why maybe her DH can't just dash off.

Then he needs to tell SIL he can't go. Not 'wake up' have breakfast and then decide to go.

Nothing of which had anything to do with OPs heart scare.

If he can't help he needs to help SIL get some help. She us stressed and it does seem that burden of care is falling on her.

Mistress DeeCee, the nature of crying wolf is essentially raising several false alarms which carry the danger that when the alarm is genuine no-one will take it seriously. On the facts we've been given OP's DH has been called several times as a matter of extreme urgency to situations which aren't urgent, including some when it hasn't been necessary to hospitalise his mother. That fits the definition of crying wolf, it isn't a matter of anyone having to claim to be a medical oracle.

Gruntled So should the paramedics look at their records and see there has been several call outs to that address and not all resulted in hospital admission and say oh well there is a clear history of crying wolf here, let's not rush or let's not go?
Why should the son apply this crying wolf logic?
Maybe the son and SIL should swap places. Maybe the concerned friends/neighbours should call him direct instead of the SIL and let him be the first responder and assess the situation every single time?
The SIL is correctly erring on the side of caution.
The crying wolf thing is just an old saying, it's not real life.
Lots of people are advising the OP to discuss realistic expectations and how the son can support the sister realistically and be clear about what he can't commit to - to save the sister getting stressed and stop the OP getting stressed as well.

OPs MIL is ill, though, so it's not exactly "crying wolf" as in it isn't a total lie!

Of course she may be overdramatising because she isn't coping & wants her brother there for support.

An hr away isn't really that far to ask your sibling to come & help with regards to your mum, is it?

Gruntled So should the paramedics look at their records and see there has been several call outs to that address and not all resulted in hospital admission and say oh well there is a clear history of crying wolf here, let's not rush or let's not go?

Huh? What's the logic in that, candykane? How does that follow from what I said? Please don't try to put ridiculous arguments into my mouth. Paramedics have to act by their normal rules and regulations?

Why should the son apply this crying wolf logic?

I was pointing out the reality of simple human nature. If you keep calling the same person out to crises that turn out to be non-crises, it's simpey psychology that ultimately that person is likely to decide that you are prone to exaggeration and that, next time you call them, it will be yet another non-crisis and you don't need to put yourself in danger by hurrying. Maybe morally you shouldn't do that, but there are few people who are so saintly as to follow the perfect moral line.

I'm in SIL's situation, I'm the one who lives near my mother whilst my brother is an hour away. She's been taken to hospital by ambulance called by carers at her sheltered accommodation a couple of times, and on each occasion I waited till I had got to the hospital and talked to the doctors before contacting my brother - in fact, the second time I didn't tell him till some time later as she only had a very minor injury. If I'd been called out urgently and I seriously thought she was likely to die, I would call my brother immediately, but again I would want to make sure as I reasonably could that that was genuinely the situation before making him drop everything to come. Given the number of false alarms it sounds as if OP's SIL isn't doing that.

Devolishpyjamas - Just for the record I had serious health problems including a heart attack and was a single parent of very different children and never once did I get respite or any help from any relative. I now have permanent ill health and disabilities. It is as a result of that I have taken up Devil's Advocate for the DSIL.
As a member of a carer's group there are quite a number of carers who are left to get on with the caring without any support from family.
It is unfair to leave it all to one person. There is no need to be critical of the DSIL who is clearly at the end of her rope.

Gruntled that's a fair point about waiting u till you have more info before calling other relatives.
I was using an example of why "crying wolf" is a false analogy.
Crying wolf is a fable.
Real life is much more complicated than that.
In this case there seems to be a lot of unresolved tension about communication and family policy.
When my dad was ill, my sibling and I discussed how we wanted to handle it - I had a newborn and limited access to transport options. We decided that we would both inform each other of everything and then armed with the most up to date info we would make individual decisions about what action to take.
It was t always easy and there were flare ups from time to time because of the stress of dealing with terminal illness of a loved one.
But I really dislike the crying wolf theory applied to the relative who is usually the first responder.
I personally would perhaps want the children of an ill parent to would apply the same rules as paramedics in terms of responding to a medical crisis. No matter how many times it happens.

I haven't been critical of the SIL - not sure how you managed to read that into what I wrote. I said she needs more support either for herself or for OP & DD so DH is more able to leave.

My point was that the DH already has significant caring responsibilities at home, he can't be in two places at once & expecting him to just drop everything may be unrealistic. Especially as the OP had a problem with her heart last week.

If DH's parents were taken ill tomorrow he could not dash off as he has a son needing 24 hour 2:1, that wouldn't go away. The OP's DH sounds as if he is already having to juggle an awful lot of caring. None of it sounds easy for anyone - but I don't think he's the feckless bad guy some are portraying him to be.

Wife who has just had a heart attack with disabled dd needing a lot of care & an unwell mother. He's hardly fecking off the pub or swanning about while his sister does everything.

That's my DH with the disabled son - OP's sounds in a similar situation to mine having to juggle distant (location wise) relatives & disabled family members -and work?

Your DH gets a frantic call that his mother is seriously ill and stops to have some cereal before he leaves?? WTAF?