To Question SILs Dramatic Demand for DH...

[RockinHippy]

To get to MILs house up to an hours drive away "right now" as she is "dying" & then when DH doesn't instantly jump & get there in half that time, rings back screaming at him that the paramedics are "only keeping her alive until he gets there"& having a go as he hasn't left

Surely they would have rushed MIL straight to hospital when they arrived just after MILs neighbour first called them & SIL?? SIL lives much closer than us on quieter roads, so was there in 10 minutes

I feel awful questioning & yes I am worried for MIL, she is ill, does have serious health problems, but SIL has form for doing this. Huge panic & say MIL is dying & DH needs to get there NOW & MIL is ill, needs hospital, but is okay. Sometimes they haven't even taken her in, just stabilised her breathing.

I get that SIL is worried, I get that she lives very close do maybe gets annoyed that she bares the brunt & MIL though lovely, can be difficult. But SIL hasn't yet made any allowance for our own situation, it's just snap fingers & gets very angry if DH doesn't jump (both DD & I ill/disabled, DD currently in a wheelchair & I really needed DHs help today ) & I resent that she seems to want to stress him out as much as possible & then have him driving to get there. If it was the first time, maybe I would be more understanding, but we've had this several times over the last 6 months or so

SIL also rang to have a go at him about something else last night, again irrational ranting, accusing him of leaving something in their storage facilities for over 3 years, when it's not even close to that long, they offered the space for as long as needed & they really do have plenty of space & it isn't in the way. So I'm of a mind that she is feeling unstable in some way at the moment & letting her irrationality tip over & taking it out on DH - then I worry that my instincts on her over dramatics might be wrong & feel bad for MIL

It does sound like your sil needs a lot more help with mil than she's currently getting. Even if it's being able to take a day off for herself from caring, running round after her, fetching and carrying for her.

Do you have space for mil to come and stay the odd night, that way dh is home with you and dd , plus there for his mum and giving his sister a break. It might open your eyes to what she has to put up with.

You're not coming across badly to me (there are one or two manipulative neurotics in this family, sadly.)

Your DH did the best he could do in the circumstances; responded but not in a harem-scarem rush. You do have to pace yourself if near death events are going to happen so frequently.

You're not coming across badly to me either. But you do need to relax about it, and realise your Dh should be there for his sister and mum right now, IMO.

I am rushing big time right now & the phone keeps ringing

maybe stop posting and deal with RL first.

Can't your DH go and stay with his DM and SIL?

My brother's SIL's DF had several times he thought he was dying (terminally ill with cancer) and they had to rush back (one time from a holiday in USA etc) but he genuinely thought he was dying and his DD didn't want to not be there.

I appreciate you're concerned because it's drama but I really do feel for your SIL, it's no fun for her and she must be incredibly stressed with what it appears to be very little respite from the situation.

I think if you and DD are currently ill and disabled then you need to look at your own support networks temporarily not just your DH.

I can see both sides. My brothers have both accused me of being melodramatic and often say "oh yes, what is it this time?!" When I used to have to call them about family issues. Thing was, I was the one there dealing with it - sometimes decisions had to be made in a hurry, sometimes I was upset / stressed/ had had no sleep / was worried etc. I was the person dealing with it because my brothers opted out, but it wasn't a role nor a situation I chose and I was doing my best. I didn't want to be doing it by myself, and to be frank, I didn't see why I should be when my siblings were equally responsible.

When my dad died my brother said "okay, I will be half an hour" and I remember shouting at him saying he needed to be quicker - if he had said 5 mins, I would have wanted him there quicker. I just needed support.

I really hope you can resolve this, your husband doesn't really seem to be being fair (he had a bowl of cereal when told his mum was with paramedics and he was needed immediately?) and you need to support him with that.

The fact is that you or dh or sil will never know when one of the incidents will actually be the one where she is dying and I think that your dh will be devestated for the rest of his life if his mother dies while he was eating a bowl of cereal instead of being with her.

That's not to say I don't understand it from your side too, but having lost a father and getting there to late for him to be conscious/know I was there so I couldn't say goodbye (I don't drive, it was 2 hours drive away, middle if night) I will never forget the missed chance and it Mars my memory of him.

You sil might well be being a git but they are both losing a parent so when they can should be dealing with it together.

I'm disabled to so I understand how it complicates things, I'm not trying to have a go.

She sounds like she just can't handle it at all. Which is miserable for you and your husband, too. You're only human, of course you resent your husband being screamed at and the whole mess, but from SIL's point of view she's drained and frightened and probably well aware that this is the downward slope and can only end one way. So she's not being very rational.

I don't think there is a solution, and I don't think anyone is a villain here. It's just a miserable, awful situation, and I send my sympathies.

To be honest, I think starting a thread about this is just inappropriate and unnecessary. Perhaps focus your energy and efforts elsewhere.

She does sound stressed. One hour's drive away isn't that far. Maybe she feels she is doing everything on her own and your DH needs to provide more practical help and support.

I think he has also gotten a bit used to her over reacting, so took time to eat a bowl of cereal rather than run straight out of the door

This is a vicious circle forming right there.

(I know how it feels as my mother has form for leaving messages on the answer phone which sound as if she's dying. Only for the emergency to be something like needing some help shifting a large plant pot round the garden )

With you ill, his mother ill, and his SIL playing mind tricks your poor DH must be feeling the stress right now. I second the suggestion for he and his sister to find a calm time to sit down together and discuss this amicably. It sounds as if she needs more support. If it cannot always be from her brother then maybe she needs help in sourcing some support from elsewhere.

Hang on, your DH's mother was so ill that the paramedics were there and he sat down to have a bowl of cereal first? Is this for real?

Your SIL is dealing with a parent who is likely to die soon, alone. Of course she wants her brother there with her mum in case that happens.

I think you sound terrible. It's like you and your DH have completely mentally checked out of your entire relationship. And the smoking comment says a lot.

*It's like you and your DH have completely mentally checked out of your entire relationship and responsibilities with his mum and sister

Just so that's clear.

If someone told me either of my parents were ill I would leave immediately to get there. Whether you believe your SIL is irrelevant. Your DH would have to live for the rest of his life knowing he could have got there sooner but chose not to if she sadly did pass away and he was too late.

What a difficult situation for all parties. Your sil may be overreacting this time or maybe not. As she had cried wolf before you will never know.
also know how quickly a person can deteriorate. I saw my dad one evening and thought he was in really good spirits and was improving. 24 hours later he was dead. I nearly didn't visit but was so glad I did.
Hope she is ok.

I hope your MIL is OK.

SIL does sound dramatic, but perhaps also scared that your husband doesn't take her seriously as she always(?) to check & he usually hasn't left?

Perhaps she just can't understand why he doesn't leave immediately.

Either way they do need to talk about how to approach this.

I feel for you OP, we had this regularly for over a decade with my paternal grandmother, who was a dab hand at 'dying' for attention, ably assisted by an over dramatic SIL who equally loved the attention.

Sorry if that sounds harsh and uncaring, sadly there's a significant minority of people who thoroughly enjoy the attention being ill brings. My father eventually missed his mother dying because he'd flown home too many times previously, and don't believe anyone the final time. It happens. It's not nice, but it happens.

I think some posters are overlooking the fact that with a seriously ill, elderly parent and an understandably stressed sibling who isn't, for whatever reason, good at making an assessment of the situation, you have to pace yourself.

Living an hour away, and having had similar, equally apparently serious calls in the recent past, the DH has probably had to come to terms with the likelihood that he may well not be present at his mother's death, and is trying to read between the lines of the phonecall. Any of us who live at a distance from ill or elderly parents do the same -DH and I are in a different country to ours, and have had to make some difficult calls.

If he was going to be undertaking an hour's stressed driving in the middle of the night, stopping to eat something is sensible, and doesn't make him a heartless bastard

Yes, Stratter5, we had a situation in the extended family where the person being called out on regular long journeys at 3 am to find the 'dying' woman peacefully reading the paper blew up with the caller-out, and said in fury that she would be the one responsible for making him miss their mother's last hours because of all the crying wolf. It wasn't a nice (or fair) thing to say, as the call-outs were a cry for help, really, but he was worn out.

I agree with Cavaradossi. We are having this to an extent with MIL. She is ill, and her illness will kill her, but at present her anxiety about her illness is what is making her worse - for eg, if she hears that someone else is unwell (Flu for example) she will then tell SIL that she has got flu, that she must have caught it from X, that she can't breath with it etc. SIL calls district nurse out and sometimes MIL goes to hosp.

DH has done a number of 5 hour 'final journeys' to see her, only for MIL to be discharged the next day.

SIL (thankfully) now doesn't tell us until she has the full picture and DH has accepted that he may not see his mum before she dies. What MIL doesn't realise is the strain and pain she is putting SIL under. MILs illness is having a detrimental effect on everyone and I'm actually quite thankful that DH is more removed from it.

I think many of you are being incredibly hard on the OP .If you live at a distance you have to accept you may not see elderly (ill) relatives for a last 'goodbye ' and need to tell people how much you love them and perhaps however implicitly, say your goodbyes when you can. And , if you need to, make your peace.What is OP's DH actually going to achieve by being there-for himself or his DM ?the SIL is another matter.
I lived 120 miles from my DPs
Father died,aged 71, the day after being diagnosed with terminal cancer .I knew he was ill ( no -one knew how ill)but had organised a birthday party for my 4 year old daughter (at home) three days before ,so couldnt go rushing up at the wekend . I was working ft . . I spoke to the ward sister at 8pm the evening he died to ask if I should come (it was February, dreadful weather 2-3 hour drive at least ). She more or less told me he wouldnt recognise me and it was unlikely I would get there in time .I had the phone call from my brother at 10pm . My father knew how much I loved him and I had written to him on his admission to hospital the previous week (no mobiles in those days). His beloved youngest sister (a nurse) was there when he died. (my brother had taken my mum back immediately the hospital called. They live 5 miles away and it was too late ).
My mother died 5 months after a terminal diagnosis . I said my goodbye the weekend before she died . She and I both knew it was the last time we would see each other .Indeed I think I gave her 'permission' to go . I was working full time, my Dcs were 14 and 10 and I could not just drop everything . I think you need to acknowledge that the OP's DH has family responsibilities . Her 'named' nurse was with her . My brother minutes away but did not get there in time . I have often heard it quoted that the dying in fact often 'wait' to leave until their nearest and dearest have left the room, if only for a few minutes...
My PIL had pneumonia and was in a hospital about half an hour drive away I had taken MIL and DD2 then 3 to see him in the afternoon .My DH was in London for a job interview ,expected home about 8pm. I asked if he shoud come straight over on his return. Nurse indicated that FIL (also had severe dementia)might be dying but 'it would be days not hours' . He died at 10pm that night . There was no point my DH feeling guilty . He had spent a gruelling day trying to get a job, in the best interests of his family .
My MIL was in a hospital local to us for 5 weeks before she died aged 93 , with dementia so severe she had no idea who we were . We were called on at least five previous occasions, including 7.30 the morning she died . My DH had walked home from the hospital at 11.30 having fed her some soup. She seemed OK . They called 90 minutes later. We got there with 5 mins to spare and held her hands and talked to her as she slipped away. I am glad for DH's sake we were there and had been at the hospital off and on for weeks, sometimes for hours -they had complicated and difficult relationship- and I think it helped him deal with it .
My 'baby' brother , aged 61 has been diagnosed with cancer recently. He lives in my home town 120 miles away . We are very close. I intend to visit regularly over the next fewmonths If, God forbid, it gets to the stage where we know he hasn't long I will go over and say my goodbye. If I go rushing over it will be to support my SIL.

Sorry for the very long post, but the point I am making is that whatever the cirumstances I think one needs to be realistic .
Agree your DH and SIL need to discuss and handle this better , for her sake .

Cavadrossi, you're overlooking the fact that the ambulance was called by a neighbour, not SIL, and the OPs DH knew this. So they knew it was a genuine emergency. There might have been a question over every detail of what SIL was saying, but the fact that she was ill enough to have an ambulance called and had paramedics in attendance was clear enough. In those circumstances hanging about and sitting down to breakfast is .

I think they do need to have a very honest chat and if he isn't willing to rush there in an emergency she needs to know that he doesn't have her back so she can adjust her expectations accordingly.

Several things jump out from your op...
It was an emergency or the paramedics would not have been there.
Your DH knew it was an emergency, yet didn't set off for half an hour.
He chose to wake up properly and eat a bowl of cereal before setting off.
30 minutes after being aware of the emergency situation at which point the sister was left with the impression her was coming as a matter of urgency. He speaks with his sister and instead of apologising / reassuring / asking for a update shows his distrust / disbelief by asking to speak to the paramedics. Agree with pp that they are an incredibly stretched emergency response resource who could have been working intensively on his mum and it's not their job to speak to relatives. At that point in the sisters shoes I think I might have lost it too!
3 years ago (?) she was happy to store something for him indefinitely. Now she's not. Fine. Except that there's no mention of him agreeing to shift it!

Reminds me of when my gran died and my grandad rang my uncle twice. First time he rang everyone to say she'd taken a turn for the worse (terminal cancer), adrenaline kicked in and we dropped everything and drove straight over. Second call "ds I think you should come" - about an hour later. He was "busy". His younger sis then went to "get some air" and called him to "get his arse there now!". He came strai away, but was devastated to be too late.