To Question SILs Dramatic Demand for DH...

[RockinHippy]

To get to MILs house up to an hours drive away "right now" as she is "dying" & then when DH doesn't instantly jump & get there in half that time, rings back screaming at him that the paramedics are "only keeping her alive until he gets there"& having a go as he hasn't left

Surely they would have rushed MIL straight to hospital when they arrived just after MILs neighbour first called them & SIL?? SIL lives much closer than us on quieter roads, so was there in 10 minutes

I feel awful questioning & yes I am worried for MIL, she is ill, does have serious health problems, but SIL has form for doing this. Huge panic & say MIL is dying & DH needs to get there NOW & MIL is ill, needs hospital, but is okay. Sometimes they haven't even taken her in, just stabilised her breathing.

I get that SIL is worried, I get that she lives very close do maybe gets annoyed that she bares the brunt & MIL though lovely, can be difficult. But SIL hasn't yet made any allowance for our own situation, it's just snap fingers & gets very angry if DH doesn't jump (both DD & I ill/disabled, DD currently in a wheelchair & I really needed DHs help today ) & I resent that she seems to want to stress him out as much as possible & then have him driving to get there. If it was the first time, maybe I would be more understanding, but we've had this several times over the last 6 months or so

SIL also rang to have a go at him about something else last night, again irrational ranting, accusing him of leaving something in their storage facilities for over 3 years, when it's not even close to that long, they offered the space for as long as needed & they really do have plenty of space & it isn't in the way. So I'm of a mind that she is feeling unstable in some way at the moment & letting her irrationality tip over & taking it out on DH - then I worry that my instincts on her over dramatics might be wrong & feel bad for MIL

How is everything today Rockin?

Why? An ambulance was called for me when I broke my leg. I really didn't expect all my nearest and dearest to drop everything and run.

If my 'nearest and dearest' broke their leg, I would still drop everything and run.

My nearest and dearest broke (well, shattered) his leg. DH and dd went in the ambulance, I cycled home with DS, handed him to my mum, had a sandwich and a banana and went out to the hospital.

It was a bloody good thing that I ate. The accident was at lunchtime, by the time dd had been checked and discharged and DH admitted it was close to midnight. The hospital has one manky vending machine and a cafe open from 9-9.15.

I needed to look after myself to be able to cope with everything else and I find it surprising that the op's husband is being slated for doing that.

DD is hypoglycemic, she needs to eat regularly so yes, she would eat a bowl of cereal before a long drive and (potentially) several hours at hospital with limited access to food. If she didnt then she would be on the next bed after passing out due to low blood sugar.

I live in an area where I have lots of elderly neighbours, who often don't have family who can always get to them. We have ambulances outside very frequently. Most of the time the person doesn't need to be taken to hospital. I know some of the paras through work and they have said it's often the case that because these people have no one else they call 999. i have offered to help my neighbours out a bit, but some of them are distrustful and I don't want to be a busybody. I think only the chap next door would be likely to ask for my help as we see each other more and take in parcels for each other etc. But he has local family anyway.

OP says it's her MIL's neighbour who is calling 999. Could it be that because they don't know what to do themselves they are just ringing the emergency services? A lot of people do that when they could call 111 who would send an ambulance if necessary.

Unfortunately for SIL she is the closer family member and they are usually expected to be first on scene or even take more responsibility. My Dad had that task with my DGPs. One of his sibs lived in the same town but wouldn't lift a finger. The others lived 45-60 minutes drive away, so weren't expected to be the ones called if my DGPs tripped their care alarm in the middle of the night.

It's also important to note that OPs DH has caring responsibilities too. My Dad used to visit my DGF most nights after DGM died. One night he was about to go out and I was taken severely ill. Needed to be rushed to hospital etc. I had septicaemia. My DGF died that night. If my Dad had gone out and found him I would have been given calpol and sent to bed and could have died myself. My Dad luckily made the decision that whilst DGF was frail and not long out of hospital himself, I needed to see a doctor that night and took me to the out of hours GP (mum stayed home with baby sibling), good thing too.

The reason I shared this is because OP's DH can't be everywhere at once, just like my Dad couldn't. And if he decides he wants a sodding bowl of cereal before having to dash off once again then so be it. He's not saying he won't be there. His sister may be stressed, but she needs to say that, rather than screaming down the phone at him. Paramedics don't keep someone alive until a relative gers there, they have a duty to do their best for all their patients, so SIL is being manipulative at the very least by saying that, no wonder DH wanted to speak with the paras - I would too if someone said that to me!

Op, how is your MIL?

This is a very difficult one to update as we lost MIL on Sunday morning & it still hasn't really sank in.

I'm glad this has opened a debate, I think from posts, we probably are not the only ones dealing with similar issues & hopefully the debate might help others understand that it isn't always cut & dry. Though I will ignore the unnecessarily nasty comments posted by a few of youbut I do understand the speculation as far as how much SIL does for MIL etc as I can see my posts weren't really clear.

Yes SIL is stressed, though more so very bossy, a trait which has become far worse in recent years & it's still going on now as regards demanding that DH grieves at her pace & demanded they sort out MILs flat before she was even cold. DH isn't happy about it, but is coping better than he thought, so is going along with it as he feels he has no choice, she will just bin everything left to her own devices & sees it as a knee jerk reaction to her own grief so goes along with it.

In answer to some of the points raised, physically SIL did no more than we did, though that's since DH was made redundant & works more locally as self employed, so it's been easier for him to take MIL to appointments etc & he's always visited at least once a week anyway, we often did too, but current circumstances have made that very difficult as DD doesn't travel well & couldn't get her wheelchair in MILs flat. Financially she probably did do more, as MIL had paid carers & cleaners going in every day, which I'm sure carers allowance wouldn't fully cover. SIL/BIL are very wealthy though, we aren't. Though SIL has definitely felt that her paying for help for MIL gave her rights over DHs time & has been very demanding at times with no thought at all for us.

A good example of this would be her rec ntl you deciding that DH was taking MIL to a medical appointment on a weekend I had planned to be away, telling him the day before that he was doing it as she was going shopping instead. My trip was a meet up with old friends who are scattered around the country, the first time in 20 years that we had all been together & it had been planned for 6 months. It was also the first time I had, had any time to myself at all in over a year, but SIL, who has no DCs by choice & doesn't work could not see why she was BU at all & screamed at DH that he was taking MIL.

I have to agree with those who have experienced family members who over act medical problems for attention, I'm glad some of you have no idea this happens & disbelieve in it, you are the lucky ones, but trust me it does happen & it is very, very, stressful to deal with as you just never know. My own DM was like this, to the point of putting herself in hospital by eating high sugar foods(diabetic) if she wasn't getting her own way, on occasion locking herself behind a gate & stuffing her face in a form of self harm, right in front of me, but out of reach, because I had dared disagree with her, so these people really do exist.

That said, I'm not sure how much that describes SIL, I've had it to the extreme with DM & a couple of old friends, so my radar on this stuff is pretty screwed. SIL definitely over dramatised things at times & has been obsessed that MIL is killing herself with continued smoking for 6 years at least. She maybe even overdramatise to begin with this time too, but she has never been as bad as I have had in the past, so I wouldn't really say that this was the problem. Much more a case of she says jump & DH says how high & she loses it if he says no. We've been married a long time & SIL is a very different character to me. For example I took myself off quietly to the hospital on my own with the heart attack episode, so as not to worry others until I had no choice, SIL would expect everyone to drop everything & run. Though I've always got on well enough with her, she is very likeable, but I can't say I like a lot of her behaviour in more recent years. She can be embarrassingly rude to restaurant staff or her own staff for example & I'm no wilting wall flower when it comes to pulling slack behaviour into line, but she demands instant attention in everything & can get quite nasty if she doesn't get it.

I'm rambling, thanks to those of you who answered the more direct question that I had badly worded, - would paramedics actually do this - they hadn't, SIL wasn't actually there herself at the point of the first call, she was getting dressed& putting her face on & the hanging around was because paramedics had broken the door in order to get in & help MIL, (who was initially unconscious, but came round) She wanted DH there to wait for the locksmith to fix the door, non of this was made clear to DH on the phone, so he asked to speak to the paramedics as he wasn't understanding why going to MILs house was the best idea, when the hospital is much closer to our home & surely they would be taking her there if things were so bad.

Thankfully he got there in good time & got to spend a little time with her before MIL had what they think was a massive stroke on the way to hospital, this put her in a vegetive state for several hours before she finally died on Sunday

I hope that all makes sense, difficult one to write

Sorry for the loss of your MIL

These situations are difficult. DH had a number of dramatic updates from some of his sisters when his DM was ill (his family are in another country). It was only when his level headed sister said "Come home now" did he act - MIL died 4 days later.

At least your DH did get some time with his mum.

Thanks Chaz

Aw very sad update, hope you and dh can pull together as you grieve together

So sorry for you and your families loss.

I am sorry for your loss too.

I know from experience that grief caused friction, organising funerals, splitting costs.
The advice I can give do the next week or so is least said, soonest mended and accept people are not always rational at times like this.
Also, I've found that when a parent is loss, family dynamics change quite startlingly and take a good 12 months to settle down.
You can't change your SIL so just try to not let her affect you if you can.
Hope your DH is ok, and you and your DD.

Sorry to hear about this, it sounds like the last few years have taken their toll on all of you. Hope you can get through the funeral ok, it's a very difficult time and as the previous poster says, some deep breathing may be needed.

Sorry to hear this. I'm glad your dh got there.