To Question SILs Dramatic Demand for DH...

[RockinHippy]

To get to MILs house up to an hours drive away "right now" as she is "dying" & then when DH doesn't instantly jump & get there in half that time, rings back screaming at him that the paramedics are "only keeping her alive until he gets there"& having a go as he hasn't left

Surely they would have rushed MIL straight to hospital when they arrived just after MILs neighbour first called them & SIL?? SIL lives much closer than us on quieter roads, so was there in 10 minutes

I feel awful questioning & yes I am worried for MIL, she is ill, does have serious health problems, but SIL has form for doing this. Huge panic & say MIL is dying & DH needs to get there NOW & MIL is ill, needs hospital, but is okay. Sometimes they haven't even taken her in, just stabilised her breathing.

I get that SIL is worried, I get that she lives very close do maybe gets annoyed that she bares the brunt & MIL though lovely, can be difficult. But SIL hasn't yet made any allowance for our own situation, it's just snap fingers & gets very angry if DH doesn't jump (both DD & I ill/disabled, DD currently in a wheelchair & I really needed DHs help today ) & I resent that she seems to want to stress him out as much as possible & then have him driving to get there. If it was the first time, maybe I would be more understanding, but we've had this several times over the last 6 months or so

SIL also rang to have a go at him about something else last night, again irrational ranting, accusing him of leaving something in their storage facilities for over 3 years, when it's not even close to that long, they offered the space for as long as needed & they really do have plenty of space & it isn't in the way. So I'm of a mind that she is feeling unstable in some way at the moment & letting her irrationality tip over & taking it out on DH - then I worry that my instincts on her over dramatics might be wrong & feel bad for MIL

[WitchWay]

Eating a bowl of cereal was the right thing to do. He had just woken up & was about to drive for an hour in a state of agitation & worry. 5-10 minutes would make absolutely no difference to the outcome here.

[Iliketoparrty]

I had a heart attack myself 8 months ago. I can completely understand the pressure the OP and her DH are under. I was legally unable to drive for a month after and could barely walk up the stairs without support a week after. So I understand how the OP is feeling if her SIL is being overly dramatic and her DMIL is not as ill as DSIL is making out.

Once this medical crisis with DMIL is stabilised I would suggest your DH talks to his sister about what is going on with DMIL and how her failing health can be managed. While he needs to be able to focus on ensuring he is supported his sister and being there for DMIL, which may mean running to his sisters and DMIL's side in times of medical crisis, DSIL needs to understand how difficult recovering from a heart attack is for the patient and their family both physically and mentally. There needs to be some give and take.

Unfortunately DMIL will not be here forever however she may have (hopefully) have some time left. Your DH and DSIL need to work together to manage the time left.

[HPsauciness]

The DH in this situation got a frantic call, similar to all the other frantic calls, saying MIL is going to hospital (although hadn't actually gone there yet).

I think having a bowl of cereal and going there in a steady calm manner is the right thing to do.

The sister could do the same, or choose not to go this time, or anything else. Everyone has to make their own decisions about when to rush to people's bedsides when parents are ill, chronically so, and go in and out of hospital a lot, especially when this has been going on a long time and is likely to do so.

If I were the sister, and I was rushing to be with my mum, I would let my brother know and then leave it. I would not spend my energy and time chasing him about what time he left, why wasn't he here, especially if he had significant caring responsibilities as in this case. Even if he didn't, I would let him decide whether he wanted to rush to the bedside, or come a bit later or whatever. Knowing my brother, he might find it all overwhelming and not go at all. I wouldn't ring him up and have a go!

Many people have caring responsibilities or for other reasons can't drop everything when someone is taken to hospital- my husband is in a different country to his parents, and so wouldn't be able to go on these frantic missions every few weeks anyway, and certainly would miss any deathbed scenes. I have children and am often on my own with them- I would have to arrange care and school and other stuff before rushing off.

Op, it sounds such a hard time for you all, and this is another layer of stress. Take good care of yourself.

[Fratelli]

I think you all could cut each other some slack tbh. I do wish your mil well.

[user7755]

How is MIL?

[Hamishandthefoxes]

It sounds a very stressful situation al round. Do you think it would be worth your DH having a word with his sister and pointing out his reality that this is one of many caring obligations which have to be balanced and she can't necessarily expect him to drop everything?

[Duck90]

witchway is right he needed to eat. A bowl of cereal is hardly waiting for a full cooked breakfast.

[Stratter5]

I was using an example of why "crying wolf" is a false analogy.
Crying wolf is a fable.
Real life is much more complicated than that.

Sadly crying wolf most definitely isn't a fable. If you repeatedly raise the alarm about something, eventually that alarm is ignored. Particularly in this case, where you've got a second party who is, for want of a better word, enabling the situation. Yes she may well be stressed, but you don't go around screaming the sky is falling in unless you know it is.

[candykane25]

I understand that and a point by a PP that it's human nature to be desensitised if there are many false alarms.
However, in this instance paramedics were called. The sister did the right thing by calling her brother. She may have been insistent and dramatic sounding but from the OPs posts it does sound like she isn't taken seriously. It may be frustration causing her to get angry, not "crying wolf".
Two sides to every story I think is the case here.

[LazyDaysAndTuesdays]

Do you think it would be worth your DH having a word with his sister and pointing out his reality that this is one of many caring obligations which have to be balanced and she can't necessarily expect him to drop everything?

That works both ways though.

Is he expecting SIL to always be there instead.

I agree with PP. Two sides to every story.

[Devilishpyjamas]

You think his sister also has a disabled child & a partner who has just had a heart attack?

Poor chap is being expected to juggle the impossible by much of mumsnet..

[RidersOnTheStorm]

There were many "false alarms" for both of my DPs before they died. Each one of them could have been the last time.

Your poor SiL seems to be dealing with the bulk of the caring and needs some support. Of course she should call him if his Mum is ill.

[MidniteScribbler]

I really don't want to live on a planet where a person gets a call that their parent has needed an ambulance called and they can't be bothered to get moving until they've finished their cereal.

[Devilishpyjamas]

I can eat a bowl of cereal in one minute. Two, if it's something like muesli. Quicker than starting to drive, realising I needed to eat something & pulling over for a chocolate bar.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

I'm afraid I'd shout if my sibling sat and ate cereal before coming too!

Shocking.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Devil but would you WANT cereal when you'd had news like that?? Most normal people would not think of it!

[Devilishpyjamas]

If I had to drive & was starving yes, I'd shovel donethimg in my mouth.

I had an ambulance called for me last week & didn't have anyone rush to my side. (Didn't call anyone except to cancel an appointment) & I was stuck for 3 hours on a train two weeks ago while paramedics were called to my son. The friend I was sat next to shoved biscuits into me with a 'you must eat'. Paramedics don't always mean something serious (in my son's case it was, but still I couldn't do much about it), & in this case will keep being called.

The brother has a disabled child & a wife who has just had a heart attack. Predumably he works as well. It's not realistic to expect him to drop everything at a moment's notice & run (it would be the same for my DH who has significant caring responsibilities towards his disabled son). He also lives an hour away, which while not far does mean he can't get there instantly.

They need to sit down & work out how the SIL is going to get the additional support she needs if her brother isn't in a position to provide it. Or how the mother is going to get additional support so SIL doesn't end up having to be dealing with emergencies all the time.

I get the panic. I have phoned DH at work & said 'get home now' in relation to ds1. He works 40 minutes away. His first question is always 'do I have to cancel my meeting that's about to start?' Usually not btw - I tell him not to hang around afterwards.

[Devilishpyjamas]

It's probably the mother who needs additional support tbh - if the SIL is being called all the time. When my grandmother started to decline my mum & her brother were doing the hour jouney at short notice in response to emergencies all the time (their other siblings lived too far away or had young families & couldn't drop everything). In the end my grandmother accepted she needed a home & had a very peaceful final couple of years - the constant emergencies stopped as she had people around who could assess when additional support was needed.

[diddl]

It's rather a Catch 22 though isn't it?

If SIL isn't coping with being the first port of call, what's to be done?

[GruntledOne]

However, in this instance paramedics were called. The sister did the right thing by calling her brother. She may have been insistent and dramatic sounding but from the OPs posts it does sound like she isn't taken seriously.

But the mere fact that paramedics were called doesn't automatically make it a life or death emergency. Surely that's obvious? OP's DH clearly did take it seriously, because he left his ill wife and disabled daughter to drive for an hour. The past history of false alarms and the fact that it would be dangerous to drive on an empty stomach more than justified the very short delay in starting off.

I really don't want to live on a planet where a person gets a call that their parent has needed an ambulance called and they can't be bothered to get moving until they've finished their cereal.

Why? An ambulance was called for me when I broke my leg. I really didn't expect all my nearest and dearest to drop everything and run.

[candykane25]

I think the key word there is expect. Your expectations are different.
However someone else with different expectations is not necessarily BU

[Stratter5]

Paramedics being called is not an indicator of imminent death.

They've been called out three times in the past three months to me, all for bad asthma attacks. DD2 18yo manages to cope perfectly well without demanding her father/sister drop everything and rush home.

I think you need to find out why SIL is overreacting. Is it because she's genuinely scared, and thinks MIL really is dying, or is she not coping and needs help, or is she simply thoroughly enjoying the drama of it?

[HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime]

You think his sister also has a disabled child & a partner who has just had a heart attack?

No one else knows the circumstances of the SIL.

I am disabled and in a wheelchair. Our youngest DC is also disabled.

I would expect DH to go if he got that call.

[Shutthatdoor]

simply thoroughly enjoying the drama of it?

I seriously doubt shd is enjoying the drama of her seriously ill DM

[Stratter5]

all you like. I can assure you there's people out there who DO thoroughly enjoy it, uncomfortable as that may make you or I :(

I've experienced it twice within my own family. First with my grandmother and her DIL, and secondly with my own mother and my sister. My sister feeds on drama of any sort, and my mother is one of those people who simply has to be more ill than anyone else. It's pure attention seeking. I've seen both of them carted off to hospital on morw than one occasion, only for them to be discharged with absolutely nothing found. It's a tactic my sister used to use regularly to get out of exams she'd not revised for.

I've also seen both of them fake asthma attacks. As I said, nobody is allowed to be more ill than my mother, and nobody is allowed to have more attention than either of them.

Yes I know my family is highly dysfunctional, it's one of many reasons why I am NC. V v unhealthy people to be round. Just because you've not experienced it, don't dismiss it, and I suspect it's more common that you realise