To deal with MIL's lateness like this (sorry bit long)

[breezeharbour]

MIL is always, always late. I love her but it's getting to the point where I'm finding it really inconsiderate. It's already spoiled things I've done with her in the past- things we used to do regularly which I ended up backing out of because it took up so much of my spare time just waiting for her. She's very big on guilt trips too, so if she'd ask if I was waiting and I'd say yes, I'd get a very long spiel of how busy she's been, how much she's had to do to rush round. Usually found out afterwards it's not been true and she's just farted around basically not holding our arrangements in any kind of priority.
She does do this with everyone in the family and seems to find it as some kind of funny quirk, so it's not just me.
However DC is our only child and to me, as they're under 1, I don't feel like I can just spend hours hanging around for her as it's not fair on me or DC.

So today, DH is out and we asked MIL if she'd like DC so I can have a day off. We arrange for her to come round at 9:30. This is pretty much at DC's nap time so I figured it would be good as DC can sleep in the car. I knew she'd be late so I gave it 15 minutes or so, keeping DC busy.
She was fucking 45 minutes late with no apology, just swanned in. I'm so sick of it! It's my day off, she chose the bloody time to collect DC. I know to some, it's not a lot of time to wait, but it's every single time we do something. I didn't want to put DC down to sleep as they have an hour and I didn't really want to then have to wake them mid-nap (always has a bad ending).

So as soon as she got in, I just turned on the fake smiles and merriment and said "you might have a grumpy DGC today, it's nap time but we've been waiting up for you!" Of course the reply is "No, you won't be grumpy with me will you!" Cue DC whining.
The other thing she will do is hang around and talk for as long as possible, just about absolutely nothing and usually things she's already said to DH on the phone the day before she comes round. I got DC's bag, picked up the car seat, went to the door and was just like, right there's everything you'll need, and started to say goodbye to DC. So kind of herded them both out the door. IMO 45 minutes late means you've lost your time to chat.

Was this the right thing to do? I have said thank you, several times before they left, for having DC. I am very aware as well that every time this happens, she is doing me a favour, which makes it worse because I think she sees that as "well I'm doing this for you so how can you complain?" But to me, it's my time sat waiting as is DC's. And is having her DGC for the day doing me a favour when she'd get so much out of it too?

In future I am going to specify a time at least an hour earlier than I mean. But she probably would still be late. It's like she has to make sure she's never waiting for anyone, that whatever she's doing it has to be her time that comes first.

[diddl]

OP of course IBU to be annoyed that MIL was late.

But if MIL can't be on time when they are actually going somewhere, she's hardly going to bother to be on time when she is the one collecting, looking after & then taking back her GC, is she?

For me there wouldn't be a next time of this and if we were supposed to go somewhere together & she was late I would go without her.

[diddl]

Oops! INBU!

[Zorigami]

Hope you enjoyed your champagne bath and leg waxing

I know you've probably signed off from here now, but OMG, what happened to honouring commitments made. Fair play to you for trying to encourage a relationship with your MiL, but I think I'd have given up by now. Just out of curiosity, the things you have stopped doing with her - does she know its because you can't take her time-keeping any more.

Basically, she isn't treating your family with respect. Perhaps you should challenge (conversation, not action) some of her expectations of the way she expects to be treated. And for all the people saying get your DH to do it. If OP was doing that, she'd then get a flaming for being a crap DiL.

[chumbler]

I always arrange a time 30min before so that if mil is due 10am, I'd arrange it for 9.30, she'd arrive late at 10am so she's kind on time for me!

[breezeharbour]

Hi everyone, thought I'd come back to update.
DC home an hour late, I didn't get cross but made a casual comment about time only because MIL had said she had an engagement immediately after the time she said she was bringing DC back, so I asked if she was still going. She didn't appear to remember saying she was bringing DC back at that time, but I don't know if that's genuine or that she was surprised that I remembered. Apparently all DCs feeds were late and they didn't sleep either. So there you go. But I'm glad they're home and they did have a nice day which I am happy about.
We had a lovely chat and a hug when she left. I'm not horrible to her! However I am going to be speaking to DH to arrange that we alter times with her (for things beyond having DC as well). Considering looking at a local babysitter too, but I'm not sure.

Thank you for all your advice! It's been really helpful and next time I post I will definitely give myself time to let go of the anger so my posts say what I mean, haha.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

"Curly, I was referring to the people who's only comment was that they've never had a day off. Not. The. Point." Coffee, I know you were. The point I was making was that the OP made a big deal of this in the first post as if the main problem was that the bad time-keeping had affected her "day off". Which quite rightly sounded a bit entitled, which was what prompted people to say that she should be grateful for any (free) time off as it's worse not to get any at alI. Which it is. I don't think it misses the point. It was still part of the issue, whether someone is right to complain about lateness when they are not paying for the childcare, or whether a relatively minor "misdemeanour" in this instance is forgive able.

Put it with all the other stuff, and OP has a point about the timekeeping being a problem to others overall.

OP, I'm glad you have a plan re future arrangements. Sounds like your DC had a nice day and hopefully you got your decorating done (but fitted in some "me time" as well - we all need that, whether we get it or not!)

[LalaLyra]

Be warned OP -if you do look for a local babysitter and "deprive" your MIL of the chance to look after your DC then you'll probably be the bad guy too.

When it comes to babysitting they can do no wrong because they are doing you a favour. Even when they've gone on and on and on and on about wanting more time with the DC and would be mortally offended if you ask anyone else.

It's a weird quirk. Any "free babysitting" has to be accepted with huge gratitude even if they are late, feed your child junk food, don't let them sleep (or in my SIL's case let them sleep for 3 hours until an hour before bedtime) or anything like that. You should be grateful because it's free and other people would love free babysitting.

I think my SIL and your MIL are related. Every sodding time. Under no other circumstances is acceptable to be late every time.

[breezydoesit]

I get she was doing you a favour as other PPs have said but continual lateness is intensely annoying and incredibly rude

[LordBrightside]

If someone is continually late, they are continually letting you down. Doing that continually to a tired mum with a young baby is beyond inconsiderate and sends a message that the person being late doesn't care.

OP is NBU at all.